Ooh, good Southern girl that I am, I’ve got a lot of “yes, and…” about Kim Swanson‘s second contribution. While this piece isn’t about actors in the South (or Midwest or anywhere else for that matter), it is about manners, and there’s something to be said for being the type of person — actor or nonactor — who holds himself or herself accountable for what he or she does, makes good choices, and remains the type of person others want to be around. Because in the end, casting is about talent, skill, type/look, AND being the kind of person we want to spend time with. Oh, and that last part can be a major trump card to all the others.
Building Relationships with Etiquette
As I sat down to write this article with the topic in mind, I first read Bonnie’s article on “Relationship Over Resume,” which happened to be about relationships. It was a perfect lead-in to some thoughts I wanted to share.
When the ebb and flow of the production tide and economy are not at the high point we like for them to be is when the REAL actors take advantage of the time to improve themselves — to take class; to update headshots, resumes, demo reels, and online profiles; and look into ways to create a better career and future. This is when actors often ask, “How can I get noticed and remembered?” It all boils down to building relationships. If you aren’t working to build relationships, you’ve shot yourself in the foot.
In our society of free speech, many seem to have forgotten some basic etiquette that (hopefully) you learned from your mother or kindergarten teacher or Sunday school. I remember having my mother drill into me the words, “thank you,” and, “yes, PLEASE.” Tempers, tantrums, or self-entitlement were not tolerated. One of my mom’s sayings that has stuck with me was, “As your mother, it’s not my job to love you; I already do that. My job is to teach you to behave in such a way so the rest of the world can love you as much as I do.” I was taught that just because you COULD say something, didn’t mean you SHOULD say something. I was taught that an “attitude of gratitude” would carry me far (and, honestly, it has). These basic concepts are at the core of what I encourage actors to do.
As a casting director, I already love actors, but now I’m going to teach you how to behave so the rest of the world can love you like I do. Here’s my guide to building relationships and getting noticed:
- Don’t express or share your political or personal views with people you work with — even if they are saying something you agree with. You never know who they will repeat your comments to, and it may be to someone far more powerful with extremely different views. There is a reason why there is a curtain at the polling booth.
- Say “please” and “thank you” and use words like “Mr.” and “Mrs.” before a last name. I’ve never heard anyone complain that someone was too polite.
- Send a handwritten thank you note whenever possible. Have you ever received one and thought, “Boy! I hope I never get another one of those”? Send thank you notes to the casting director, your agent, production coordinators, producers, directors, ad agency producers, and creative directors. Having your name attached to a polite gesture isn’t going to hurt.
- When you are unhappy with how things went in your audition or how you are being treated on set, deal with it and move on. Tantrums are unattractive, and you don’t want to go down to that level. Rise above.
- A smile is contagious. It creates positive energy in the room and makes your eyes sparkle, so open up your energy gate and let everyone else join you on your road to success.
- Don’t play the role of the demanding or entitled actor or diva. It’s not appreciated.
- You are never in too much of a hurry to be polite.
- When you screw up or say something you wish you hadn’t, own up to it, apologize, and move on. What’s done is done. Just don’t do it again.
- Don’t say or do anything you wouldn’t want printed on the front page of the newspaper or you don’t think would make your grandmother proud.
- Turn the conversation around. (This was a trick my Great Aunt Jean was an expert at!) When someone asks a question about you, find a way to turn it around and get them talking about themselves. Most people love to talk about their own lives and share those moments that are important to them, and when you get them to do just that, they think you are an excellent conversationalist, and are a very caring, selfless person. It is fun and you’ll learn a whole lot more than you would by listening to yourself talk.
- Look people right in the eye. Actors are taught to connect in scenes by looking their acting partner in the eye, but often forget that simple skill works in real life.
- Never complain to anyone about anything, unless they have the ability to help you rectify the situation and make it better.
- Keep an attitude of gratitude. After reading the Bonnie’s article that mentioned Harrison Ford accepting the opportunity to help his friend by being a reader when he was passed over as an actor, I remembered an interview I saw with Mr. Ford, saying he was “grateful for the chance to just help out a friend and get to work on his craft in the process.” That turned out to be a little film he worked on after all, that you may have heard about called Star Wars.
- Sincerity goes a long, long way. All of the above is cancelled out if it isn’t sincere.
- Don’t shake hands. As a kid, my dad had us practice how to shake hands — firmly, while looking the other person straight in the eyes. In this day and age of germs and germaphobes, steer clear of the handshake, but still look people in the eye with confidence when greeting them.
Being the sweet or talkative type has nothing to do with etiquette or building relationships. Think of the icons you may aspire to be like. I don’t recall Carol Burnett or Lucille Ball needing political jokes to be funny. They appreciated that even though they could, it wasn’t appropriate. I don’t recall Louis Armstrong jumping on stage to protest an award. I don’t remember Dick Van Dyke, Donald O’Connor, or Gene Hackman needing to make a big statement — they made their statements as exceptionally talented people, and they did it with grace and class. They didn’t need shock value, political statements, sexual escapades, or inappropriate clothes to get our attention. These are the type of people I give my limited leisure time to. They haven’t lost their charm. Their etiquette spans generations. They have made their share of mistakes, but they also know to apologize and move on. Basic etiquette builds relationships. I want you to be the next one I gladly spend my entertainment dollars on! I want you to be the next icon the future generations aspire to be like!
Fantastic, Kim! As much as I love social networking tools, I think they’ve conditioned a generation of people to overshare (about politics, religion, personal hygiene, etc.), comment on issues that they’d never debate face to face, and behave with a sense of behind-the-keyboard bravado that they might never lead with, in person. And eventually, that muscle gets so strong that they begin to behave that way in person too. I’m a big fan of the thank-you note but I’m an even bigger fan of the authentic gesture. If you’re inspired to be publicly grateful, do it. If it feels like a marketing ploy, back off from it. We’ll read that as disingenuous and that won’t help you in the end. Let’s say that tempered authenticity is the goal. I think that’d make Kim’s momma proud.
About Kim Swanson
As a performer, Kim Swanson began performing as a dancer at the age of four. She studied dance with the most respected master instructors in the field of dance and went on to dance with several dance companies including “Jazz Works,” “La Troupe de Jazz,” “The Company,” “The Toledo Ballet,” “L’ Jazz,” and “Giordano Dance Company.” She continued her stage career, appearing in George M! and A Chorus Line. She also appeared in several national television commercials, print ads, and on film. After working as a professional dancer and actress, she opened The Studio, Inc., one of the most respected dance training facilities in the St. Louis metropolitan area, which is currently in its 18th dance season. The first two projects Kim completed casting for won Emmy Awards. Since then, she became the first casting director in the state of Missouri to become a member of the CSA. She has completed casting for international feature film projects — the first of which earned best movie, best actor, and best actress awards in Beijing — music videos, national television commercials, and print advertisements, having completed casting for more than 200 projects. In addition, she has become an advocate of young talent, and assisted many in their pursuit for ethical representation within the film community. Hanson Entertainment Industries, Inc., currently maintains a database list of more than 4500 talent. For more information about Kim Swanson, please visit CastingByKim.com.
This contribution originally ran at Bonnie Gillespie’s online column on August 15, 2010.