Hello beautiful people!
Let’s hug a tree!
Welp, today I’m going to give you a tour through the tree of enoughness so you can begin to use laser focus to improve ANY situation, relationship, or issue you’re dealing with at any time.
Bold statement? Yep! Watch how I break this down. 🙂
Once we isolate which of the tree’s five parts needs our attention the most, we can create changes in ONE or TWO key areas that create a healthier overall enoughness state on the topic. It’s *so* effective!
Today’s work: Pick an issue. Not the ugliest, gnarliest, grizzliest low-enoughness issue you can find. (I know, that’s the one that’s got your attention so it’s tempting, but bear with me and try this out on a lower-stress situation or relationship first.) Identify whether its wobbliest space is a symptom (the leaves), an emotion (the branches), your core enoughness in general (the trunk), your beliefs (the roots), or your environment (the soil).
Next, CHANGE one of those elements in the direction that will improve the whole situation! Yes, when you build up to tackling issues in which almost all of the parts of your tree of enoughness are unstable, it’ll require some micro-adjustments in one area after the next in some swirl of moving, incremental work to get the fortifying done. That is why we don’t start in on the hardest stuff! Those moves take practice — and getting clear on how it feels when what’s out of whack is the root structure vs. when it’s the environment, and so on.
I’m super excited to share this with you because I know the impact it can have on the quality of your life in EVERY area going forward. Aren’t you glad you’ve made it to this day with me?
Everything gets better from here. You now have the tools to make it happen.
’til tomorrow… stay ninja!
This is also a difficult task. I keep trying to envision my tree of enoughness, the soil, the roots, trunk, branches, leaves and come up with an issue. I guess a not so gnarly issue is my health? The most wobbliest space right now are the symptoms – they are not under control. What I want to change arey beliefs about my health. The belief that I can be a healthy 40 year old woman that looks good, feels good, gets off the many meds. For so long I’ve believed that, hey, this is just how it’s going to be. I’ve accepted my life living with illness, not really doing what needs to be done to improve it. So first things first: which element can I change?
I think the biggie here are my emotions. I have negative emotions about my health. I want to shift my thought process about my health and I guess that starts with challenging these negative emotions about my ability to change and become healthier. Like when I don’t “feel” like exercising or eating right. Why? I’m really trying to tackle why I continue to shoot myself in the foot when dealing with my health. I got some major ninja work to do.
Hi NaLonni,
I’m sorry to hear of your health struggles. Reading your post, an interesting documentary popped in my head and I thought I would share with you, in the off chance you find it helpful and inspiring.
Have you watched “What the Health” (Netflix)? Someone recommended it to me and I found it very interesting and informative. I thought I would never ever be vegan because I love cheese and butter and a nice steak sometimes. But after watching it, my husband and I gave it a try for awhile and we felt much better (we agreed it would be a selective veganism – if we decided to go to a nice restaurant, we could order a stake and if I went back to Brazil, I could eat as much seafood as I wanted). I will admit that we let it slip and fell off the vegan wagon, but the documentary and the studies they were talking about really opened my eyes about inflammation and what causes it.
Good luck! x
No, I’ve never seen that documentary but I have tried veganism before during my last pregnancy and I did feel really different but stopped after I had my son. I also think a lot of my issues and emotions about my health stem from relationships that are not where I would like them to be. I will check out the movie though. Thank you so much!
So, this one feels like a bigger, wobblier, multifaceted issue to tackle so see if you can find a smaller one to practice on first. 😉
When you’re practiced enough to tackle something as comprehensive as your physical wellness, then, yes, we can work on this one from multiple areas at once. The emotions definitely getting soothed will create short-term better symptoms (healthier feelings, more full breaths, a teeny spike in energy) and then when they’re a bit stabilized, you head down to the roots to work on beliefs about what is possible for a 40-year-old.
I changed my body at 46. By a lot. I lost 55 pounds in 5.5 months. I reduced anxiety. I loved myself like CRAZY (and I started doing that way before my body started changing its shape and size). I had a better, fitter, more slammin’ bod at 46 and 47 than I had EVER had. EVER. And I was a hot little thing for a couple o’ years in my 20s, so that’s sayin’ something!! 😉
Here’s a woman who changed her body at 70 (she’s 73 now). Seriously. There is no expiration date on when we can transform our bodies once we believe that we can (and of course we can; we just have to mindfully choose behaviors that align with that eventuality every day). But we have to believe it’s possible.
Start by asking yourself why you’re so sure it is IMpossible.
But, again, I’ll ask you to practice the tree of enoughness using smaller issues than physical health, vitality, wellness, feeling good in our own bodies… these are biggies and involve more than just one area of the tree at once.
You’ve got this, hon. And we’ve got you!
Ok, it took me about two hours to write my response because I was trying to figure out a smaller one to tackle. Do you have a graphic representation of this or an example of a smaller one, cause for whatever reason – I am at a loss.
Can you pick something that’s just annoying? Like a neighbor who is too loud or a friend who gossips too much or a place in town where you always seem to get lost or get a parking ticket or run late trying to get there?
Yes! That I can do Bonnie!
Or to use myself as an example, if I had this tool in my life before I got sober, I would’ve known DRINKING (my relationship with alcohol, how I liked to escape but also just enjoyed the freedom of relaxing and clocking out my brain now and then, the social element, the habit it had become, and then the bigger issues surrounding my not wanting to feel the most unpleasant feelings that drinking helped me numb myself to) was my big, scary, gnarly, grizzly thing.
And something like my OCD around doors would’ve been a smaller thing to practice on first. Because I cannot be in a room where a door is anything other than open or closed. If it’s ajar, I freak out. If it’s just partially toward the wall open, I’m antsy. I have to get up and close the door all the way or open it all the way — even if it’s not my house!!! So I would start on something that’s just really annoying rather than something that’s got lots of elements to it and needs working from several directions simultaneously — and that’s gonna have far-reaching side effects once I do the work of it all.
Does that help?
Hi NaLonni,
Thanks for sharing your work of your tree of enoughness and your challenge of something small to tackle.
In case you’re still looking for something small to tackle:
Since both of us participated in last month’s Women’s Weekend Film Challenge, was there a particular crew member who annoyed you or whom you didn’t get along with? Perhaps you lost a location or you worked longer hours on set and that frustrated you?
I’m tackling one of those small things first since the WWFC is still fresh in my mind.
Actually, my team had A LOT of issues. And there was one group member that didn’t really annoy me but we butt heads several times….my work style is different than hers and…..this person just really tried to air out our personal issues via group chat. Wasn’t having any of that shit but…..now that I think about it, it was annoying and it did bother me. But……what I am working on is trying to accept those issues without changing who I am or my work ethic. So yeah….I could work on that….that helps. Thank you Anna!
I do have an issue I’ve been trying to find relief on. I’ll call it time anxiety and I see it as the leaves -symptoms. There is a touch of anxiety when I book an appointment regardless of type, each appt is super important to me and can produce little hits of anxiety of hoping I’ll be able to deliver. I always deliver I’m usually the first to arrive I’ve always been this way it feels like my nature but yet I have doubts I’ll deliver.
What is that? Not my environment it’s just me. My belief system runs on time I think I’ve only had a few instances in my life where I’ve been late or off schedule. Early on at my first jobs I had supervisors who taught me time importance. I love it, it’s a virtue and a tool. What I don’t like is those hits/symptoms of anxiety in my leaves.
Is it my core/trunk that somehow doesn’t trust I’m enough to deliver? I’ve delivered, I’m going to deliver. I will show up when I say I will. I will keep my word it’s who I am. So why those little hits of doubt to cloud a sunny day? Is it punishment or how I make sure I deliver?
I wonder if this goes with “what would I have to give up to get what I want?” I keep thinking about that question these last few days.
Yes I would like to act like I’m enough to trust myself I can make and keep appointments without having stabs of anxiety. That seems to be beliefs I don’t know.
I love that my life is simple and I’m mostly claiming my enoughness and joy thanks to twenty years around your teachings.
Just love this concept, I can use this in refining specific issues I get the five elements! Thank you!
Oh Judy I relate to some of that too! But mine didn’t come from an employer, it came from my parents… I used to be early for everything with a good dollop of anxiety attached to it and judgment towards the late comers – not very nice, I know. Same when I had to wake up super early, I would sleep poorly afraid I would miss the alarm clock (which I never did).
Good luck on your enoughness tree fortification <3
Thanks Flaviana, you know what I mean. I always have to remember how much I love being early. When these last anxiety feelings go away it will be a relief.
Awesome, Judy! This is great work! A tweak I’d like to suggest: I think the time anxiety issue is not the leaves but the branches. Anxiety is an emotion you’re feeling. The symptom (the leaves) is that you have less enjoyment surrounding these appointments you’ve booked because of that anxiety. Perhaps you’re not fully present while there. All the time leading up to it FEELS bad.
I’d take a look at your beliefs (the roots) to see what you BELIEVE will happen if your fears/emotions/anxiety (the branches) were to come true. What is it that you BELIEVE happens when you are late? Do you get in trouble? Do you lose love? Do you become penniless and alone? What’s the FEAR about being out of control with the timing of things? If you’re in the Woo-Woo Crew track, this would be a time to use the “Clearing Old Beliefs” MP3 I shared (and if you’re not there yet, just be sure to check it out as your next track after Day 100 completes next month for this live round).
Beliefs are bigger than what we can actually list off and SEE. Like, you’re saying you don’t have any negative beliefs about being late/on time, but there’s some belief in there about something going wrong, something getting off schedule, something being out of your control and TIME not being respected. Could you try doing some mantras around, “I am always on time,” and “I have all the time in the world,” and “Everything is always working out for me” and see if those start to help?
If you didn’t catch the replay of this week’s livestream, be sure to watch it because I think it may help as well:
Let’s see if that works (if not, click over here to watch it at my Facebook page).
I’d love to hear how you feel about this after checking that out. You’re doing great work, Judy!
I’ve watched the video – love it – am watching it again and reading what you’ve written. This is going to have to go deeper. It is about relaxing, I know I’m enough but not enough yet. Makes me smile. It really isn’t a time issue, it’s trust – but it’s deeper. This Liz work will help. Yes I call it anxiety but I need to be more specific. I want to think more about the branches, the emotions part of the tree. I’m on the path – thanks for your guidance.
*whisper* this is not about Day 67, it’s actually about branding in a way… I was watching Stumptown (ep 12) the day we connected here and I thought “oh this is ninja Judy!” so when I went to confirm it on IMBD, I found out that it wasn’t you, it was Cheryl Hines instead! That’s all really 🙂 We’ve got some work on relaxation to get on with, so good luck to us all! x
Yes there is work to do!
Absolutely! That’s why we’re here. 🙂 So good, Judy! Love you.
I’m so grateful for this day and that I left it in my email to open today even though it arrived yesterday. Once again the universe providing what I need.
Last night I went on a date-my first date with this man- and oof, nothing like a first date to show you you still have enoughness work to do. I went in there feeling so damn good about myself, how I looked, how open I was to letting the evening unfold, but left feeling so … less than.
I think it stems from my beliefs. Even though I was feeling good, someone else’s opinion of me could instigate negative emotions. I’m still working through this as I type, but maybe I give other people’s opinions more weight than my own because I’ve adapted others beliefs rather than fortifying my own. I’m sure that opinions from people in my past about my intelligence and looks are chiming in here.
How do you fortify your own beliefs when the emotions attached to them are so strong?
On the plus side, I am proud that I can recognize I have done good work that allows me to consider these thoughts and work through them and yes, there are emotions I experienced/am experiencing related to this, but in the past I would have spiraled out, whereas now I can start to sit with them and begin to work through them.
First off, WAY TO GO recognizing the work you’ve already put in and being able to see the benefits to this muscle-building. So great, Jessica!
Next, remember I said not to start in on the biggest, gnarliest, grizzliest thing and even though this isn’t necessarily your biggest of all time, it’s particularly inflamed because you JUST had the experience of going in high enoughness and coming out lower within just a few hours. That’s intense and I’d recommend you build this muscle with practice on lower-stakes concepts then tackle something like your tendency (UNTIL NOW) to pick up others’ beliefs more than your own… to outsource your own gut feelings, deferring to others.
To answer your awesome question — How do you fortify your own beliefs when the emotions attached to them are so strong? — by doing exactly this! The smaller topics, the baby steps, the incremental muscle-building on easier issues… by developing a way of coming at things that are emotion-only and other things that are beliefs-only and then having enough practice with each of those on their own, we THEN can start to combine some tactics to tackle the harder things.
Essentially, you’re asking me “How do I read a Russian classic IN RUSSIAN?” and I say, “First you learn the Cyrillic alphabet. Then you learn some basic vocabulary. Then you learn ABOUT the various ‘cases’ that Slavic languages use vs. the verb conjugation you’re used to in Romance languages. Then you start learning what some of those cases are. While building up more vocabulary — and getting more fluent at what you DO know. And then we begin reading some very basic Russian prose… working our way up to the classics.”
It would be cruel to attempt to read a Russian classic IN RUSSIAN on the same day you’ve learned there even IS a whole different alphabet you’ve got to figure out.
Patience. Baby steps. Work on “easy” topics. This is the work to do right now. We’ll build up to the bigger topics (and sooner than you may fear).
You’re doing great!
Oh, and a quick question, Jessica: Did you set BASELINE CRITERIA before your date?
Thank you so much, Bon! That really helps clarify the steps to the process of this work and how best to approach it.
I didn’t establish baseline criteria! I had actually forgotten about that, but then after chatting with a friend about everything we reframed my mindset and found baseline criteria for future ones!
Yay!! Setting that Baseline Criteria will help. Fo’ sho’! 🙂
I read this content but hadn’t done the homework because although I understood what Bonnie said, I couldn’t find something simpler and break it down. Brain was a bit stuck on the big stuff (which I also couldn’t break it down). But as we just disconnected from our Zoom call and Bonnie was suuuuuuper amazing in guiding me through something and I found it so ridiculously helpful, I would like to share with other ninjas how it went in the hopes it helps other folks too!
We started talking about my brain being stuck in the “oh shit! oh shit! oh shit!” stage of a problem instead of finding solutions. So Bonnie kindly pointed me towards the video above that she also recommended to Judy. Because she said that when you are in high anxiety your view gets so narrow that you can’t really find solutions (not really her exact words but sort of the idea of what she meant). I just watched the video and it is indeed so helpful (thanks!). Loved the 3 steps to relax!
So then we somehow ended up talking about the problem (which was my mom’s health). In talking about it, I automatically went from the Leaves (symptom) to the Branches (emotions). But I actually lumped a lot of the symptoms and the emotions so Bonnie called me out on that. I then settled on the “not taking her meds” symptom and from all of the emotions (sadness, anger, frustration and guilt) I also settled on guilt which was the underlying one (really!). I was having some seriously low enoughness here because my Root (belief) was telling me that “I wasn’t a good daughter” because… I wasn’t there with her (different countries), I wasn’t looking after her the way she did for my dad when he had cancer until the day he passed (with total dedication). Here is where it got even more interesting (! as if this whole tree wasn’t already awesome) because Bonnie said “hold on a second, stick to your tree! That’s your mom’s tree and your dad’s tree” (again, paraphrasing here – but you get my point). And my Soil (environment) was my husband’s incredible support throughout this ordeal.
Now comes the next awesome “a-ha!” moment: Bonnie asked me to list ways in which I am a good daughter now and before my mom’s health problem. And I did – I even realized that I had developed a little branch that couldn’t hold a leaf before onto some fierce branch (patience!!! who knows me in real life is both shocked and proud!). And the magic that happened is that I went from a low enoughness thinking that I wasn’t a good daughter to reminding myself that I may not be looking after my mom how she did with my dad (guilt alert), but that I am looking after her (in a different way even from afar) and that I’ve got a plan in place and that I am a good daughter for all the other reasons that I couldn’t focus on before because of the anxiety brought on by the guilt!
So that’s it for today! Much love to you all <3 xxx
Flaviana, I’m very grateful for being able to witness what you went through thanks to Bonnie’s guidance during our group Zoom call.
This inspired me to call my mother to share my dreams and goals for the first time ever and tell her things I held for a long time because of fear of rejection and guilt of not being a good daughter. Since I told her everything I had in my heart, my mother thanked me and I feel like I’ve just begun my healing process with her. And I thanked her for taking good care of her health.
Sending you good vibes and much love <3
Anna what a beautiful story!!! I’m so, so, so happy for you having started your healing process and the part where you thanked her for taking care of her health… It just slay me! Beautiful! Beautiful! <3
My mom used to be my best friend until my husband "stole" her role… so you see where my guilt comes from, right? xx
Wow! Anna, that’s amazing. I’m so glad you had that pop of inspiration and that your mother was in the receiving mode for that today. How absolutely wonderful.
I love your detailing of our convo, Flaviana. Really well chronicled! I know this will help others who may be struggling with how to work through their own trees (and stay out of the business of jumping to other people’s trees). Thank you SO MUCH for being willing to work this out with me today on the Zoom. You are so brave and strong and I love knowing you got a little relief by making your list of all the ways you are such a good daughter!
Actually, my team had A LOT of issues. And there was one group member that didn’t really annoy me but we butt heads several times….my work style is different than hers and…..this person just really tried to air out our personal issues via group chat. Wasn’t having any of that shit but…..now that I think about it, it was annoying and it did bother me. But……what I am working on is trying to accept those issues without changing who I am or my work ethic. So yeah….I could work on that….that helps. Thank you!!
Whew. What a time to go inside and examine. I hope everyone is taking good care. Sending waves of love.
I was looking forward to today since the zoom call – totally intrigued. And upon applying this, I found out I have been doing something I !LOVE! to do. On the issue I picked I realized I am assigning meaning to someone else’s actions. And it made me sit up a little straighter. I think this awareness in the issue is about to shift my feelings/behavior and I’m looking forward to finding out.
How marvelous! 🙂 So so so glad, JoJo!
Just loved reading all the above and Flav’s amazing description of her journey was super helpful. Been not so great for a few weeks but back on track and feeling good, nurturing my soil with all sorts of great immune boosting supplements..yay!
So I guess a symptom would be like…me having to obsessively compulsively click the car door shut. I sometimes turn around and walk right back to the car (just to make sure it’s locked) even though I know I locked it. So this is not my gnarly grizzly topic but it’s certainly an annoying symptom that I have. I think the emotion is insecurity and feeling like I have to control everything. That kind of goes with a lack of trust that things are working out for me.
So that’s the symptom and the emotions. The belief might be…”if I want something done I need to do it myself” or “if you want something you have to MAKE it happen” which is so the opposite of allowing and trusting. There’s something big around trust here. A feeling that I cannot trust others?
Not quite sure where I go next with this…?
Thank you for starting on a non-gnarly grizzly topic! 🙂 That’s great!
So, if the belief is that no one else will EVER take care of you (so you have to do it yourself), where did that belief get planted? Is it your story? Is it someone else’s FOR you? Is it the cause of the soil you grew up in… or are now in? Where is it that this lack of trust still FEELS TRUE?!? Because you know it’s not true, in your logical brain, but somewhere in your more primal brain, it IS true. I’d love to see where that got started and see if you can have a conversation with the part of your brain that believes some PAST truth needs to STAY a belief for you today, when you know you don’t need it anymore.
If the soil currently supports the belief, that needs to change (change the environment). But if the soil is good, it’s time to start building trust by TRYING to deal with the emotions *without* doing any of the symptoms. Just CUTTING them off and sitting in the discomfort of the emotions, healing whatever makes the belief feel true even today.
Where can you go with this, Anna?
Today, this is making me laugh. One “not big” one to tackle is kitchen cleanliness (or lack thereof) with my husband.
I think this is how it would go?
Leaves- Nagging him for not keeping the kitchen as clean as I would like
Branches- annoyance and anxiety around having an untidy kitchen, feeling like I need to control it
Trunk- Enoughness and what does having a dirty kitchen say about me and my level of professionalism (I have been a chef for many years, but never trained formally, so I sometimes felt low enoughness around other well-trained chefs) Or that by having a dirty house, somehow that makes me not as good?
Roots- Believe that everything must be perfect or I lose value. That I must be good all the time. That there’s no room for mistakes because mistakes = loss of love. Def from growing up with my dad.
Soil- My soil is getting more and more nourishment these days. I’m married to an amazing, patient man, and have worked on limiting exposure to people who are energy/enoughness vampires. Currently, the environment is a little unfamiliar due to coronavirus, but I even worked toward finding an apartment that made me feel the safest/nourished/creative so I could have my best space while isolating here in Vietnam. Surrounding myself with art, delicious food, music, sunlight, and many things that bring me joy.
So…. looking at this, would we then determine that the issue stems mostly from the roots? Is my next step learning how to heal those old beliefs? Then work my way up from there?
Girl! YES! This is excellent work!!
And you may find that it’s easier to heal DOWN from the trunk, because you know — at some level — that your enoughness has NOTHING to do with the state of your kitchen. But yes, when you still have it stuck in your craw despite KNOWING that you are enough, the work is to go into the roots and heal, forgive, maybe do some EFT or cord cutting, journal it out, and start to close off the things that are not so healthy in the root system. Deprive those roots of food so they can’t send their message up into the trunk (and then the branches and the leaves) anymore.
So good, Jamie. SO good!
Yaaaaaaasssssssss. “deprive those roots of food so they can’t send their message up into the trunk…”
This reminds me of the Cherokee story of the two wolves. “Which one wins?… The one you feed.”
I’m loving this!
A relatively minor issue I’ve been having is discomfort around writing my personal essays as I apply for writing fellowships.
Leaves – Procrastination. Every time I sit down to write an essay, I’m struck by a deep need to do the laundry or have a snack or go for a walk.
Branches – Anxiety. I’m procrastinating because I’m anxious about writing.
Trunk – I’m scared that I’m not good enough as a writer.
Roots – I’m not sure what the roots are here. Maybe I believe there’s no point in trying because I won’t be successful anyway? Maybe I believe that I don’t have anything interesting to say? Or maybe I believe that even if I got into a fellowship, I wouldn’t be able to hack it?
Soil – I’m lucky to have an environment of hugely supportive people, which is wonderful. But sometimes I’m afraid that if I’m not successful, I’m letting them down. So that’s a root I’m contending with: a belief that if I’m not successful, I’m letting people down.
Maybe the best place for me to start healing is the trunk – just working on feeling like I’m enough as a writer. I’ve been working with the affirmation “I am a brilliant and prolific writer” (unapologetically cribbed from Julia Cameron), but I’m very open to suggestions.
Whew, even doing a tree on this minor topic feels tricky and vulnerable. I see why we’re supposed to start small.
You hit on it, I think. Those roots of feeling as though you let others down if you’re not successful. Where has that been true in your past? Where has there been conditional love? (Like, you had to meet X condition in order to have positive attention from someone.)
Love starting with the trunk and YES to the Julia Cameron work and maybe some Steven Pressfield too! Good for you, diving in on this! Let it take its time and see what starts to bubble up just from doing this labeling! 🙂
Great work!
Leaves:
Annoyance. For the past week, I have had an injury come up in the ball of my foot. Mortons Neuroma is what I believe it may be called. I have not had severe pain, but there is a large ball that I feel every time I walk.
Branches:
Fear. Since I have flat feet, I fear the mechanics of my feet may be causing the actual injury. It is a fear that always comes and goes in my life since my feet are the way they are.
Trunk:
Patience. I am grounded with where I am. All that I can do is rest and take the precautions that I have looked into. In the past, I have had a history of WebMD’ing my brain into oblivion. I know that deep down, a visit to my doctor will inform me without me doing the stress damage to myself beforehand.
Roots:
Perseverance. I know that I can and will continue all of the exercises and physical fitness that I want to be doing daily. This will take patience and perseverance. I want to be gentle to my body so I will get to the best physical place that I can be.
Soil:
Gratefulness. I’m going to remind myself that whatever injury, big or small, I am fortunate and blessed to have a family here with me to show love and support. I am continuing to strengthen that muscle myself.
This was very therapeutic.
I am going to write another tree about the current climate of racism. It has been beyond words for me seeing how many bigots and racists are unveiling themselves in recent times, and instead of fighting fire with fire, I am trying to keep educating myself and spreading what I learn to those who are willing to listen. This tree of enoughness will be perfect for it.
I am so glad the work of labeling these parts of the enoughness tress helped you get some kinks out with this (and OMG to tackle the racism topic with this?!? Do let me know how this goes). I’d also like to recommend a book called The Body Keeps the Score. Just got a little intuitive hit to recommend this to you.
It has been such a joy. Thank you so much and I have that book in my Amazon cart now! Thank you for the recommendation Bonnie! I have been reading a lot of Gibran’s The Prophet lately so this will be a nice addition to the shelf. 😀 😀
Aw… that book holds such a special place for me. We read from it at my mother’s wedding to my stepdad (both have long ago passed away) and I have the copy they held and we all read from. I think I’ll get it off the shelf this weekend for the eclipse.
If you swing back around to this, Peter: One of my hyphs is as a dancer, and neuromas are common in those circles… Speaking from that background, neuromas are totally treatable, and your response here lists great steps to take/you took (pun intended). Just wanted to send support and positive thoughts. 🙂
I thought about the most painful of course…but have taken your suggestion and instructions to start on something else less painful I can navigate.
A friend of mine this week has decided to tell me how she feels, that I’m not doing enough. As I took it all in, listening…I wanted to understand, hear her, and see if there was something I actually did…
When I had complete clarity, I found myself in such an enoughness place, I shared with her what things are really important to me. How friends are as well…but I have dreams, and things I’m working on to get me there…then I love to spend time with friends when I have that time…and sometimes I like to go have fun solo.
When I reach out to see if she wants to meet up, she chooses to. When she calls me to meet up, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. That was the issue. So I let her know that I’ll be aware of that, but also if she doesn’t want to meet up with me at the place I’m going she doesn’t have to, and if I’m not interested in going where she is going, and rather find another time, I have every right to do that.
After the conversation that lasted an hour, with our masks on in the middle of an aisle in ULTA…I know I know…
I left feeling we had a vulnerable, open, honest conversation where I stood my ground for what I believe in, and also shared with her how that was never the case in my past, and I have aimed to please…and I’m not doing that anymore.
I left that conversation that day, and still feel with all I know about her shit, and of course I have mine…that this has left me frustrated…aka the branches seem to be a little wobbly.
So if I were to go down to the trunk I would feel my enoughness felt solid this day, it was after when things started to get a little demanding, and oozing codependency with the “I love you” text messages and neediness I was feeling pulled on.
So the roots…My belief system has been to fix, give more, do more, do extra, do do do…deplete myself to spend more time…but I just don’t have it in me anymore to do that kind of work. I felt blamed for how she was feeling, so then I feel the pressure is on me to do something, and the reality is, I won’t do extra.
I hear her, I care, I’ll be mindful of our time spent…and I guess getting down to the soil, if she doesn’t like it or if I can’t take her pull, then I’m going to gracefully exit the relationship, and that can look like I just can’t give her what she needs…
It sounds harsh..but I started to think about how much she really said she needs me to text her each week…and I love my friends, but when my life gets busier…it is what it is…and that’s my dream. So at this point I guess I will take pause…
Can you tell, I’m a people pleaser LOL…I care so much about everyone else’s stuff…but the day at ULTA I was so proud of myself to tell her, “sometimes I don’t think about hanging out or miss my friends because I’m doing things, then when I have some free space I start thinking about having more fun downtime to enjoy my friends.”
This doesn’t happen often with people, so it’s new and lots came up…but I LOVE THE TREE! Really seeing where this all stems from is helpful. I just know I’m still looking for my web of trust people, and this may or may not be it…but I open to see where it goes.
ALSO JUST CAME UP FOR ME; I don’t like feeling like I’ve done something wrong when I’ve been a friend that shows up, meets in the middle, reaches out to hang out more than she does, and well…to be told, I’m not doing something…it feels like shit. I’m really good at seeing and understanding, but this one has got me all frustrated…I’m really hyper-aware…I know when and where I’m not showing up…I’ve even mentioned to her she usually comes to my place, and I’m happy to go to hers more, and then I started to.
Another thing that just popped up is my enoughness is definitely an issue…I care how she see’s me so much that I’m writing the longest thing ever about it, probably because I needed to…but I’m really trying to hold on to my enoughness, what of it I have anyways…not rushing to see how she’s doing, and showing up extra to “show” her, SEE I AM A GOOD FRIEND. I’m a good friend. Period. I don’t need to prove that.
Bless ya’ll for reading.
SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME AROUND THE TREE WORK!
This is good. Solid. You get this process and you’ll do it more, and on other subjects, and get further clarity on this one in the process of doing this work on others.
I have been accused of being a bad friend… long ago… back when my enoughness was far lower in general. And none of those friends are still in my life today. Why? Not because I was such a bad friend that we had to part ways but instead because those friendships thrived on my low enoughness. I had a role to play and as I got healthier, as I fortified my enoughness, as I chose sobriety, as I loved myself first and the most always… suddenly our friendships could not withstand my growth.
I had no value in the minds of these friends when I valued myself more.
ALIGNED friends? They don’t hinge their emotional setpoint on our actions. I’m not saying we get to go around being dicks to people; I’m saying that their happiness should have very little variance based on our actions.
But if y’all aren’t aligned right now, that can feel “bad” but it shouldn’t be anyone’s fault (again, unless you’re just being a dick, which I know you aren’t).
Revisit Day 11. I know you referenced it in your post, but go back to that day and take it all in again, knowing what you know about the Tree of Enoughness now. Let me know what you see and how you feel. K?
Thank you Bonnie!!!! Gahhhh, you really said it…ALIGNMENT. I’m going to Day 11 right MEOW!
Ah, this is the day you referred to earlier (Day 22) in relation to my “cultivate” word, Bonnie. Gotta love the Prince jam, too.
“You’re right on time”… as I arrive here a day ‘late’- the system locked me out yesterday, so I’m forever a day behind now. I’m starting there!
Leaves: Being a bit grumbly about it, checking email repeatedly.
Branches: Disappointment to know the record is no longer “perfect” (through no one’s fault- this isn’t a complaint post, Bon or Erin!), sadness, guilt-working to feel productive.
Trunk: Not enough to not complete tasks as laid out; I let myself and others down.
Roots: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing. You must give your absolute all, all the time. If I’m not productive, I’m wasting time; time is finite. Things conspire against me, and I knew it was coming.
Soil: I’m beginning to believe the course has me in the process of re-potting… With this specific issue, I recognize I have people/situations that fuel the expectation of over-achievement & over-completion (it’s possible past-me may have trained them to).
I’ve already started a month of tapping 20 minutes each day on self-love (which is trunk-related). I’ll also add some root stuff now that I’ve done this- as I typed them out, I realized they are prime targets for scripting! I’m still going to say I finished 100 in 100, though… it’ll just be MY 100.
Woof! That’s some GRIZZLY stuff there, Steph! What is the underlying fear beneath the “perfect record” belief? What is the consequence of not achieving a perfect score — so much a big deal that even when THE WHOLE PROGRAM (for hundreds of people) skipped a day, you still put that perfection/perfect record issue out there?
I’m not asking what is it that turned you into a perfectionist/over-achiever/over-doer as much as I’m asking what’s the NOW fear behind letting that relax even a little bit? Allowing a totally-out-of-your-control tech outage at some company you’ve never heard of to force a break… and welcome that rather than feel anxiety about that? What is the NOW fear about what it says about you if everything is not perfect always?
Your labeling feels right! And I’m so glad you’re tapping on this. Anything this high-stakes over something that’s logistically incredibly low-stakes is something worth doing the work on. Glad you are!
I actually was able to welcome that break; my writing may have made this particular thing sound like a larger emotional response than it was. I’m okay with it now… Logically I know it’s a zero-stakes issue, it was just interesting to see, as I followed the tree down, that the little ping was attached to a larger grizzly thing. We’ll get there. 🙂
Perfect! Yes. I asked myself later if maybe this weren’t a smaller issue than it was “reading” to me. I’m so glad it’s low-stakes for you and that you enjoyed the break a bit! 🙂 And YES, isn’t it fascinating when those little dings lead to big-ass issues we might not have come upon otherwise? Proud o’ you!
I absolutely love when I enter into one of these lessons with cynicism and you find a way to SHAKE me to my core…
I spoke with an energetic healer a couple of weeks ago and she gave me a couple of images she was getting from me before I even told her anything personal about myself. One of them was an image of me MOVING AND REPLANTING A TREE!
HOLY CRAP the Universe loves to synthesize lessons that come at me from different sources. Looks like I’ve got some work to do at the soil level!
The universe is NOT subtle, is she? Amazing. 🙂 Love seeing you do the work, Madalyn.
I’ll probably need to come back to this one because I’m having a little trouble processing it. I’ve drawn it out so I can see the metaphor in front of me.
A few things came to mind, but I think they are on the ugliest end, so I’ll try those later once I get a better handle on this and get practiced at it. What I’ve decided on is something I’ve actually been practicing for awhile now, but I think it works because I can pull it apart here.
Ok, the symptom: zoning out watching Netflix at night
The emotions: mentally exhausted, feeling burned out, sometimes feeling anxious
Core enoughness: I’m actually not sure on this part
Beliefs: When I’m feeling this way, I shouldn’t try to do anything that requires mental effort because that would make it worse
Environment: Lacking in other easy options
Environment is where I’ve been focusing on a change, which has led to a shift in my beliefs. I mentioned my “nourish list” here before. I gave a lot of thought to the things tha
Doing this has shifted my beliefs as I practice them because I’ve realized that even though it takes more mental work to read a book than zone out to Netflix, it ultimately makes me feel better and more rested.
I’ll keep giving this some thought as I recognize symptoms of smaller issues so I can practice and build up to the biggies.
Great work and great plan for circling back with different issues in the metaphor!
For me, the core enoughness + beliefs on this would be where I am on a scale of 1 to 5 with feeling “I am enough to sit with my anxiety rather than endeavor to zone out to escape it” or “I am enough to set a timer for when I’m done zoning out at Netflix because I know there’s a number of episodes after which this goes from self-soothing to self-abusing” or whatever the nitty-gritty of this might be for you.
I almost feel like this process will be smoother with an issue you’ve not already been tackling/splitting because you’ve already clearly labeled what the emotions are and what the behavior is a buffer for, even replacement behaviors and rewards for those with this one.
At its core, this is a labeling exercise. A splitting exercise. If you’re already good with labeling and splitting, you may not NEED the tree of enoughness. 😉 But I like what you’re doing here and look forward to the next pass!
Ooooh, Jennifer, I totally relate with your symptom. I do this as well. Thank you for sharing. I have books on my nightstand and some amazing meditation apps on my phone but I’ve been reluctant to simply turn off the tv and do those things before bed instead. You’ve inspired me to start work on changing my restorative environment and make some changes about my pre-sleep routine. Thanks!
So, I picked a blip that happened this morning as a place to do today’s work. Long story short, I had to make a decision about teaching someone’s dance class. It was really a no-brainer, and my gut knew what I wanted to do, but instead I went through a distressed & indecisive rollercoaster before talking myself back into accepting and trusting my initial response when it was validated with a family member.
Writing it through the Tree metaphor, I’d say all the symptoms and emotions were a result of some trunk/root gunk: “you can’t make valid decisions when feeling any emotion/a single gut reaction isn’t objective enough”. Often, this rollercoaster will show up when I emotionally want to go one way, but there is an equally valid argument for the opposite.
I guess my job is to learn how to fertilize this tree with a lot more gut-trust! (Bon, I think it’s the patriarchal soil again…)
It usually is, hon.
One that keeps coming up for me is sharing self-tapes on social media. I have a few friends who do “monologue Mondays” or share their audition clips, and I’ve always wanted to do that. But I need to strengthen my trunk around this the most, because I think the main thing is feeling like I’m good enough to share this stuff. If it’s not perfect (which it never is) it isn’t good enough to share. The roots need some work too since there’s also the belief that it’s showing off or that nobody wants to see that stuff. So I’m going to work on reminding myself that I am good enough, and the stuff I’m taping is good and people would like to see it. And even if they don’t who cares? I want to share it!
YES!! 🙂 Can’t wait to see more of your stuff!
I love this metaphor, Bonnie. Do you ever find that sometimes the solution is to just prune the sick leaves? Or am I missing the point a bit? Like everyone else I definitely have a couple gunkier things to process privately once I’m more practiced with this tool. I’m noticing however that sometimes I have a symptomatic leaf on a negative-emotion branch that isn’t reeeeeeaaaaallly about the trunk at all…rather if I simply plucked the sick leaf (made a new choice, etc.) I remove the power of the negative infection. Does that make sense? I definitely don’t want to neglect the soil and roots work, I just noticed that sometimes reminding myself that some things *don’t* go that deep is what I needed to keep it pushing.
Totally! WHEN you can tell something is just not that deep and pruning can easily happen, yes. Do that. It’s only if the symptoms keep happening, there’s more than one leaf, there’s a deeper issue for which pruning would be avoidant behavior that we even need more sophisticated tools like this. 🙂
It’s a deeper offering on the topic of enoughness specifically FOR the stickier issues… but we just don’t dive in on those FIRST. Because that would be frustrating and maybe not so helpful at this stage.
LOVE this metaphor!
Meeeeee tooooo! 🙂
I loved this exercise. So profound. I have been learning and growing from each day even though I’m so behind!
There is no such thing as “behind.”
These days were laid out to be opened by you when you open them, read by you when you read them, and done by you when you do them.
You’re right where you’re supposed to be.
There is no such thing as “behind.”
Growth is such a good thing, isn’t it? Would you tell someone she’s behind based on when her cycle started vs. other people in her school? Or that she’s behind because she didn’t start having hip pain by a certain age, later in life? No behind. 🙂 All growth. Glad you loved learning this tool.
Issue – Avoiding networking
I think this has to do with my branches or maybe the trunk — Let’s see, I avoid it/ procrastinate on it because I don’t like doing it. I feel like I need to prepare for it — yeah, that sounds like trunk because my need to prepare is directly tied to feeling like I can’t just show up as I am, meaning there’s an underlying feeling of I’m not good enough there. A feeling that I have to perform and impress. No wonder I’m putting it off. I feel like I build it up in my head way bigger than it actually will be.
The deeper I dive into this the deeper into the tree I get. Now I’m at Roots. I have a root belief that I am an intelligent person and so I don’t like putting myself into situations where this might come into question. I don’t like to come across as unfocused or unprepared or not have a clear intention or purpose to portray. I put a lot of pressure on myself to maintain this identity of intelligence due to my own beliefs that were certainly originally my parents’ beliefs, instilled in me and enforced by my environment. I feel like this relates back to the other day about not being afraid to make mistakes. If I look at the situation as a chance to learn something, which I’m great at, then I can’t fail. Hmmm…that DOES feel better.
I’m going to repeat that every step of the way to finally JFDI.
My new mantra for networking: “I’m here to learn!”
LOVE that new mantra! And your commitment to doing these steps to lower the charge, lower the charge, lower the charge… and eventually, it’s all JFDI’d!! 🙂
Love this tree! Like all the tools and perspective tweaks – this is so good. I am not starting with the biggies just a few little things -about annoyances or why do I freak out when X happens. Finding out and releasing or taking a different perspective on, which I find easy to do, often weigh too many options and get off topic and that’s where the spiral actual happens. Focus and one “thing at a time” and lets get this sorted – Fortify, prune, more water…all that
Seriously just used the tree of enoughness a few hours ago on Keith. It just WORKS. 🙂 Glad you’re loving it!
Hmmm.
I’m certain I have annoying things to discuss.
I’m certain I also have big harry monsters.
Why am I having such a hard time identifying them in terms of today’s task.
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JFDI, I may not fully understand the process. So I went to the top and read a few others…. as examples.
Saw your example of the drinking, vs the open/closed doors.
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Ok. Here is a smallish one.
I am irritated by the “drop” off lines at my kiddo’s school. We are expected to pull up in a line of cars, let our children out of the car, and then they safely walk to the correct grouping (always in the same place) with their teachers. And then they go inside. When school first went back to in person there was loads of staff out front and they would come to your car, open the door, unbuckle kiddos as needed, and then off then went after they closed your door.
Now that this is working like a more well oiled machine, as in going more quickly- the staff no longer approaches the car to help.
So the last few times I stopped. Got out of the car, went around, opened the door for my kiddo, unbuckled her, helped her out of the car, closed the door, one last hug- and sent her on her way.
Then of course I pull over just outside of the line to watch to make sure she makes it all the way to her teacher and then all the way inside the building.
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Well,
Last week the crossing guard took it upon herself to verbally assault my child and I, coming up to my car yelling that this is a no parking area and if I wanted to get out I was to park in the parking lot.
Seriously, my enoughness went to my toes and I felt like I was 10. But the mom in me reared up, and stood between my car and the yelly lady and said, I’m just opening the car door, and I’m already stopped so can I please let my kid out now? I think one of the teachers nearby must have seen the appalled look on my face and came running over. My kiddo was scared by this of course. I just said, let’s go baby, hurry mommy’s in trouble with the mean lady. I took my time after that to carefully get her out, hug her and watch her walk down the sidewalk to her teacher.
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Now. How does this pertain to me as an actor and human in general and what did I do about it.
This is just like when I was innocently walking backstage on a TV show to get a cup of coffee. I had motioned to one of the crew signaling to see if I could walk in that direction. (all silent)
They motioned yes, come this way (again silent)
And I heard on the god mic.. “who moved my backdrop”. When I was past the backdrop I then saw that there had been a very quiet crying scene going on with the star and her “granddaughter”.
I froze. I didn’t verbally apologize. I just made an apologetic motion (again all silent) and acted invisible.
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I wish I had the enoughness to say, “My apologies, one of your crew motioned I could walk this way. My sincere apologies.. and then move on.” I think I told this story a bit in another lesson. I mentioned that if I had ratted them out I would have felt like I threw them under the bus. Now that I am retelling it, that person should have come to little old recurring me and apologized saying they motioned me on. That might have saved my butt. I was not asked back after that. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.
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So in this case. I recognize that when I am in a safe, happy, shields down place and confronted with unexpected hostility it strikes me in the soul. Not really the gut. I can feel exactly where it goes, like the pit above the gut. And boom. I’m 10. They are the boss. And I am in trouble. I even used those words to my kid, I’m in trouble with the mean lady.
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First back to the school and what I did about it.
Without getting too mean momma bitchy about it I did in fact write to the principal.
But not without first paying for the car behind me at the Starbucks after drop off to shake off the bad karma.
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Here is our correspondence:
I refused to stay 10 years old with this one. Needed to rat out the mean lady. But needed also to clarify protocol in a polite way. “catch more flies with honey”.
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“On Thursday, May 27 at 9:56 AM, Dawnie Mercado-Genochio wrote:
Good morning Miss Bailey its Viola’s Mom. First I must apologize for what may look like a blatant disregard of the rules of drop off. A few days ago Viola we saw you out front and Viola insisted I walk her down the sidewalk since there were no teachers walking kids in anymore. On that note. Now the drop off is working as such a well oiled machine are we at least allowed to stop long enough to open the door for our child and unbuckle them? At first all the staff was doing so but I have begun to do so if no one if present at curbside.
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The line of cars ahead of me was all stopped today to let their kids jump out but Viola can’t yet open her own door and I didn’t want her to slam her head or hands by us trying so I opened it for her. God bless your team and the crossing guard for all you do. But it seemed by the time I had opened Viola’s door the crossing guard had just had enough of every parent before me doing the same. So we were made the “verbal example.” I get it. We are all just doing the best we can.
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Just trying to take advantage of the drive thru perk like all the rest.
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Forgive the rant. I so appreciate this school. My question is, are we allowed to open their door if no one is nearby to assist? Thanks. Viola’s Mom.”
Her reply.
Kendra Bailey replied to your conversation.
Of course you can assist your student in getting safely out of the car. Please just make an effort to leave as soon as possible. 🙂
Message sent on Thursday, May 27 at 3:04 PM to Dawnie Mercado-Genochio
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The lesson in this for my life.
My trunk is more secure than 15 years ago. More enough.
My scared emotions are quick and strong when verbally attacked.
The symptom was the frozen state I am immediately put in.
My roots are the belief at first that somehow I must be in the wrong or I wouldn’t be getting yelled at. I’ve been shifting that over the years to slow it down in my head as it happens, or maybe shortly after as in this case. To shift it and recognize the person’s attitude is not “just” about me. But about everything had happened before me. Maybe I’m the “last straw” in these cases.
My environment- the further fix is to be more aware of everything going on around me. Had I stopped and listened maybe I would have heard the scene going on in the TV scenario. I had “I must have coffee” blinders on, and that’s where I was innocently headed.
My fix for drop off? I now pull up further down toward the end of the line so I don’t cause anyone behind me to think… hurry up lady. Because I am damn well gonna pull over and safely let my kid out of the car. I’m not just gonna do a slow roll and let her jump out. OMG she’s SIX! Even if I’m not yelling that out the car to the mean crossing guard it sure felt good to write that here. 😉
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Lesson. I am enough. I am not “always” the one in the wrong. And if I am, it’s ok to just have my big girl undies on, apologize for my error and move on.
Woo hooo I’m officially caught up again. Today was my day 67 email.
Later today I have some more targeting recon to do in past lessons. 🙂
Oooooh!! This video is my favorite yet! WOW! The first 5-6 mins was like a guided imagination meditation, and I found myself so delighted. Something about this imagery just feels so magical and empowering.
Without having words for it yet, I think I recently experienced some of this work in a distressed relationship negatively impacting my experience of my living space. I was able to adjust my emotions about the situation (ie, choosing to focus on my love for myself instead of focusing on the reasons why this person dislikes me), and, to my surprise, my literal immediate environment (soil) already feels better, symptoms (leaves) more desirable, and emotions (branches) fortified in a beautiful way, paying tribute to my enoughness (trunk). I think it even catalyzed a small change in my beliefs (roots) where I get to choose to value myself and show up for myself, even if those daily reps perturb others.
This has been transforming for a week or so now, and I know this is an active choice I must keep enforcing, in order to build the muscle and get stronger at it, but it’s lovely to already see some “fruit” from this work (and to now have language and beautiful imagery to express it with, moving forward).
Kinda wanna make this video a daily meditation – I love it!
Round Two.
Popped in today to find this. Day 67 Tree of enoughness.
LOVE IT. I went up in the thread to read what I had done the first time around. I am happy to say I understand this a bit more this time.
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Yes! To all of this work! Back at it.
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Coincidentally, or NOT because I don’t believe in coincidence. I just did the very first ever Astro Vision board party with you yesterday Bon!
I am seeing today’s video in a whole new light. Especially in terms of my roots and my trunk. I’m feeling that is where my 12 houses work is leading me to look today.
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My emotions (yes that run strong according to which house we are looking at) are often not able to deal with the symptoms (my leaves) and boy oh boy when that happens do I EVER run into trouble. We’re talking open mouth, insert foot… yada yada yada trouble. We’re talking procrastination station, unintended conflict, blocks, not great self talk… whew. All the things I am going to RID my tree of over time.
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Can’t wait to FINALLY get on the list for some Bon time to further understand my chart. I know yesterday was just a start. What a great start it was!
Don’t know if that will mean aligned advantage or private session request yet. (That was mentioned in the course).
For now just happily marinating on all of this.
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So… I also wanted to show my work. Didn’t get a chance to yesterday since my sassy computer was crashing toward the end.
#CyberMonday might change that for me. LOL
So I’m going to post in the Dojo and tag you.
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If you’re seeing a copy of this post and my photo in the FB Dojo…
It’s the START of my Astro vision board.
Now that we’ve gone through it I’ll be adding more photos, and ***changing out others.
I’m such a visual version and also so new at this there was no way I could contain myself on one page. So each house ended up with it’s own.
I’m going to put notes on each planet as to key phrases of that planet or notes to each sign that indicate what I need to watch for there. I’ll wait to I work further with Bon on that.
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Note to Bon- Also looking forward to continuing the topic of remediation. Mind Blown. Still figuring out what that all entails.
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My Ninja Fam: And if all of this is Greek to you? Don’t miss the next vision board party. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!
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And now… on … to my tree of enoughness work for the day.
Alrighty, the first lighter issue I could think of is my proclivity towards sugar/sweets. I think of the 5, the element that stands out the most would be the leaves, or the symptoms, just because I never really feel GREAT after indulging in sweets. I have a sweet tooth like none other, and my body is definitely conditioned for a sweet after almost any meal. My immediate thought would be that, by changing my soil, my symptoms would become more desirable…but now even thinking about it, both my emotions and my symptoms take a hit when I change my environment by completely removing sweets…so, in real time, I think I’m seeing that it’s not an environment shift that is needed, it may be more of a roots/trunk shift.
There’s a feeling of “unfinished-ness” or incompleteness when I have a meal and no sweet afterwords. My body is craving it physically, but emotionally I almost feel something like deprivation, as though I’m depriving myself of something I enjoy, either for the short term (not feeling shitty) or the long term (more desirable physique, fitness, etc).
Not sure if this is THE answer, but I think that I need to be more intentional with my messaging around food. Establishing new beliefs around what it means to truly nourish myself, and that sweets aren’t necessary for nourishment. Practicing acknowledging how good I feel and how nourished I feel after a good meal. Perhaps that new soil, appreciating what I have consumed, instead of resenting it for what I have deprived myself of, would positively impact my enoughness around what I have and have not eaten, which would then positively impact my emotions around the lack of consistent sweet, and finally my physical symptoms would be more positive and desirable.
LOL that was about as real time as it gets, I was just processing as I typed there. I started writing this one thinking that it wasn’t a good choice, or that I wouldn’t be able to get much out of the practice because it seemed too simple. I pat myself on the back for going a little deeper, because I’ve now journaled in my notebook some affirmations or phrases I can use to start nourishing those roots of mine.
Okay, I have like the perfect problem to break down today. I’m gonna take a Biz issue I identified doing the exercise from (I think?) Day 70 and work this baby top to bottom.
LEAVES – SYMPTOMS
+ I sometimes observe a thought that goes like, “Agents and managers aren’t going to want to work with you because you live upstate. It’s not good enough that you can get to the city in two and half hours and work as a local hire, they want to work with people who actually live there, because those are the actors who are perceived as having the lowest risk, who are taking this seriously.”
BRANCHES – EMOTIONS
+ When this thought shows up, I observe a small pit of anxiety that starts to grow in my chest. It recognizes the thought as invasive to this whole healthy tree operation we’re trying to run here and responds.
+ The stronger branches say, “Fuck that, why should we have to give up fresh air, inexpensive rent, a thrival job we love, and some nutrient-rich soil surrounded by our family trees and lots of baby trees who we really want to see grow up? Why should we have to completely uproot ourselves *knowing* we’re moving into some gentrified, noisy, debilitatingly expensive, inaccessible soil that is going to be difficult for us to acclimate into, possibly to the point where the end wouldn’t justify the means?” These trunks are so strong that they have the ability to point to my Show Bible, where there’s a list of all the actors I know who live upstate and have representation in NYC.
+ The weaker branches say, “Nah that thought has a point, man :'(”
TRUNK – ENOUGHNESS
+ My resting state with this issue on the scale ranges from a 3.75 to a 4.25 (oh yes, we’re getting technical lol.) I have a well-fortified trunk and when it comes to this issue, I recognize all of the data I have that directly contradicts its validity. But if people replied to this comment saying, “KD, your hell-yes agents and managers WILL work with you while you live upstate!” it would make me feel good haha. I think that’s what distinguishes this as a “smaller” issue to work with here. Ultimately I know that this is an issue of fear-based lumping and that I am enough…but I still feel a liiiiiittle insecure about it.
ROOTS – BELIEFS
+ I think there is some vague yet enduring, ardently perpetuated by capitalism, in some ways distinctly American myth of the struggling artist. I say it’s American in that there are uniquely punitive layers to it where so many of us suffered, so therefore others need to suffer as well. A lot of these ideas are insidious and systemic, and doesn’t necessarily belong to me as an individual. But I can recognize it rearing its ugly head in myself and in others.
+ I remember having a conversation with a local actress a few years ago, way before the pandemic, about her story and how she got her agent, specifically as someone who has lived upstate full time. I had made it clear that I was only *just* starting to learn about the process of submitting to agents and I was in NO way asking for a referral. I was humble in my approach, but our conversation felt like she was trying to humble me anyway. She emphasized the struggle, the lack of control, the 4am bus rides down to the city, the steep financial sacrifices, and most of all the *time* it took to get there. I know she was only trying to be “real” with me, to not paint a false picture. But I sensed that there was some projection going on for sure, that there were flavors of bitterness (maybe about the industry and/or where she was at tier-wise) that had nothing to do with me, but were still coloring what she told me. But at the core of it, I suspect it was that subconscious punitive impulse that says, “It was REALLY hard for me. So it needs to be just as hard for you, too.”
+ This conversation had a big impact on me. It made me feel weird, and a bit stupid for asking. It made me worry that I was rude or presumptive in the way I asked to talk to her, somehow. I felt better when a mutual friend (also an actress) talked to me about it. (It’s worth noting that both of these actresses have multiple decades of experience on me and are several tiers above where I was at the time.) She shared that the mutual friend shared that she had felt bad, that she worried that she came off as discouraging. It was then (and honestly, right now as I write this) that I really recognized that she wasn’t trying to tear me down — she was just operating from the level of healing she was capable of at that time.
SOIL – ENVIRONMENT
+ Like I said above, I like my soil. I feel happy in this soil. I don’t want to think that my love for the trees around me is a weakness that is keeping me from pursuing this career like a “real, srs actor” who is too busy busting their ass to make their rent and feed themselves to see straight, let alone afford craft classes or like, be a human being. (Tree?)
IN SUMMARY
+ This is a root problem that has affected some leaves. As I address that behind the thoughts is fear based in beliefs that aren’t quite my own, I’m able to let them go easier. Another lesson is in discernment, and being able to hold space for others when they’re sharing their journeys without internalizing anything about what it “must” mean for my *own* while hearing it. I am responsible for myself and my own emotions and my own journey.
Some loving, affirmative self-talk that’s coming up for me after posting this are: I am a hard worker and I deserve to find my hell-yes representation. I deserve to make it to the next tier. I deserve to find ease and joy in the journey. I deserve to feel joy in times of struggle. I deserve to weather the challenges of this career and to reap the benefits of what I sow.