Hello beautiful people. It’s time to dive in on our topic for June!
This month, we’ll continue our deep dive on Your Relationship with Your Energetic Load.
Y’all.
First off. It’s JUNE. Are you kidding me? I know I keep saying time is an agreed-upon construct, a product of the collective imaginary… but WHOA did I just get a jolt when I typed JUNE.
Okay. Just had to get that out of my system.
Checking In
I want to take a moment to check in on you. On how the audit ultimately felt for you. On where you’re at, overall.
We do some deep work in here and it’s important to make space for “the snowglobe to settle” as the bro-dude in the dopamine/Flow Theory vid mentioned. Not just because allowing that space makes us more productive, or more capable of focusing on our work, but because it creates S P A C E for us to reconnect with ourselves in a deeper way. To get to know ourselves differently. To start to love ourselves more easily.
Quick Mantra
I shared this via my texting app and it resonated with a lot of people (some of YOU fine folks even texted me back to say so; thank you). When I get in a bad way (and that can mean I’m in the depths of darkness OR someone parked like an asshole in front of our building), I can snap myself into a better-feeling place with these words:
I choose to love myself right now.
It’s important to CHOOSE that. To say to yourself that you DO have a choice to treat yourself with love or with something else.
It’s important that it’s RIGHT NOW. To say to yourself that the PRESENT MOMENT is all there is anyway, and it’s time to focus on that.
Period.
And if “love myself” feels too far a reach at times (totally get it), find SOMETHING to put into this simple mantra.
Options:
~ feel good
~ see things differently
~ be present
~ hug myself
~ take a breath
~ get centered
~ be here
~ breathe slowly
~ connect with myself
~ allow a pause
Let’s continue this list in the comments! The goal is to have a collection of options to pull from (you could legit even create a bunch of strips of paper with these words on them, or popsicle sticks, or rocks… anything you could write on and put into a jar to pull from) so you can quickly shift the vibe ANYTIME you need to.
If you’re like me, you’ll use this mantra in some form or fashion dozens of times a day.
The Choice Factor
There’s a lot out there about “being at choice” being important to us (not just us; rats, birds, and monkeys too). Simply HAVING OPTIONS (but not too many of them) and the power to choose among them gives us a sense of control, which makes the primal brain feel strong, and of course strong humans are harder to kill… so being at choice = happy primal brain!
And when the primal brain is happy, we have a lot more room for all the things that make the rest of the brain happy.
Now, let’s bring CHOICE into the Energetic Load convo. We discussed last month that there’s the Energetic Load we bear because we choose to and there’s the Energetic Load we bear without having chosen to do so.
Being in a relationship has an Energetic Load. Earning money to pay bills, participating in the economy at any level, doing the math of “making a living” — these things have an individual and a collective Energetic Load. Empathy has an Energetic Load. Learning new things has an Energetic Load. Visiting social media has an Energetic Load. Fitness and wellness has an Energetic Load. And most of these, we would say that we choose. Even when I’m CHOOSING to have icecream for breakfast, my overall fitness and wellness has an Energetic Load that’s affected by that choice. I’ve chosen how the Energetic Load will feel for a time, with that choice.
Here’s where the contrarian in me suggests we are ALWAYS at choice when it comes to our Energetic Load. Because when I think about things we would probably label as having an Energetic Load we don’t choose, I can also come up with alternatives (choices) that would shift the flavor of the Energetic Load. And I’m fairly certain that it’s not THE EXISTENCE OF AN ENERGETIC LOAD that is at issue; it’s the flavor of it.
Let’s play that out to be sure (and of course, let’s debate this with various situations/scenarios in the comments area to test it out).
~ The Energetic Load of paying taxes is not one of my choosing.
~ Except that it is, because I live in a place where paying taxes is part of the deal.
~ I technically *could* move somewhere that does not have that same Energetic Load.
~ And the unknowns for that life have their own Energetic Load.
~ Also the stress of even figuring out how to make such a move and then actually executing the move — there’s another few Energetic Loads, right?
~ And then what if there are Energetic Loads that I discover once there that are flavored far worse than the Energetic Load of paying taxes?
~ Okay, so I’m gonna choose to hold the Energetic Load that was forced upon me due to the geographical lottery ticket my soul was holding when it entered human form.
~ It’s still not my favorite Energetic Load due to its flavor (meaning: I want to dictate how my tax dollars are spent; I want the amount of tax I’m charged to align with my values; I have a very strong opinion about the amount of tax the millionaires and billionaires owe compared to me… and so on), but I can do things to shift the flavor of the Energetic Load if I want to!
~ I can pay Ray the CPA to handle all the mathing for me. I can ask him to create advantages for us in our business to help us get the most out of what we’re working with. And while paying Ray the CPA comes with another Energetic Load, I like that adding THAT Energetic Load to the Energetic Load of paying taxes actually makes the latter less icky-flavored.
~ Truthfully, the Energetic Load of paying taxes does not carry a lot of weight in my day-to-day life. It’s something I feel the weight of a few times a year, and I’d say I feel it acutely if the year has been lower than I’d like, financially.
~ I always bank on Future Me when it comes to financial abundance. The Energetic Load of trusting that Future Me has more than enough money to get Current Me (or rather, Future Me’s Past Me) out of a jam is not that heavy. And it’s a flavor that is optimistic and light. Hopeful. Trusting.
~ The Energetic Load, however, of getting TO Future Me’s tax-paying time and realizing Past Me really screwed formerly Future Me/now Current Me kind of sucks. Luckily, continuing to bank on the NEXT Future Me is an Energetic Load I always happily take on.
~ As I type this, I feel the Energetic Load of being vulnerable about money. I feel the heaviness of some financial strain that’s currently going on. The Energetic Load of deciding whether or not I want to share this shift that’s happened in my body is also one I’m clocking.
~ YOU may be dealing with an Energetic Load of empathy, stress, mirror neurons firing, concern, or judgment (or anything else).
~ The flavor of my Energetic Load for completing the Expansive Capacity course page “in time” is less pleasant as the sun sets on the 31st of May!
~ And then there’s the Energetic Load of self-judgment and mean things I’m trying not to say to myself as I run a commentary track over this task of typing up these words for you.
~ And…
~ And…
~ And…
You see, the Energetic Loads never stop coming. They shift around. They change shape. They get into some familiar flows and patterns and pathways. They’re always combining with one another in new and different ways WHILE overall being very familiar and typical for us.
I choose to love myself right now.
Yeah. That’s the good stuff.
On BEING
I remember not quite 20 years ago having journaled something that felt really deep. I was so impressed with myself for having come up with it. I was conducting an interview with a fabulous creative and she was lamenting the whole Energetic Load of BEING — although I wouldn’t have been able to sum up what she was lamenting as succinctly back then. I decided to share with her what I had written in my journal, not long before that interview.
There is nothing I can be that will change what being means. Just be.
She wasn’t all that impressed with it. You may not be either. But dang it, I still am!
To use more words — as I did in trying to get the subject of my interview to *get it* — what I’m saying with that is that the very state of BEING carries with it a certain, well, Energetic Load. And while we’re busy trying to figure out HOW to be or WHOM to be — thinking that some combination of choices could finally alleviate from us the overwhelming burden that it is to JUST EXIST — if we would accept that our Energetic Load is a big part of BEING, we’d perceive a lot less weight to that Energetic Load.
Acceptable Amounts of Energetic Load Bearing
Okay, let’s do some NO line work, shall we?
You remember the NO line when it comes to your showbiz life; it’s the list of things you WILL SAY NO TO if asked to do them as you move up through the tiers of your creative career. Will you cross a union picket line? Will you do nudity? Will you work for copy-credit-meals while others on set are being paid? Will you wear fur? Will you use firearms? Will you portray characters that further troubling stereotypes? Will you hide commissionable work from your reps? Will you work as a local hire? And so on.
We get clear on the NO line items long before the offers are in front of us because the time to decide your price for eating a burger in a commercial when you’re vegan is NOT when the offer is being made and your rent is due. We get these sticky situations situated while they’re theoretical. Of course we leave room to recalibrate as they become real! But the important thing is knowing the difference between crossing our own NO line and not having one (which always leads to regrets).
So. What’s acceptable when it comes to your Energetic Load? For what will you allow yourself to feel overburdened? And for how long will you allow that state to exist? And how many concurrently-happening overburdening weights of Energetic Loads will you sustain before you actually say, “Yeah… that’s not mine to take on. Can’t help you, bro”?
At this point, I’d like you to consider what tends to be the most effective method for getting you to overburden yourself with too many/too heavy/too ongoing Energetic Loads. Is it a strong muscle for people pleasing? Is your kryptonite your lover and their requests/needs? Is it a family pattern you’ve gotten stuck in? Is it a coping mechanism that has overstayed its welcome? Is it that you actually LOVE the feeling of coming to near-buckling status with the massive amounts of Energetic Loads you manage a relationship with?
Knowing what you’ll STOP taking on
*and*
what gets you to cross your NO line
is
key.
Because it’s both of those things that gang up and get us right back to That Place We Keep Saying We Never Again Want to Be!
And it’s from THAT place that we’re real assholes to ourselves.
Don’t Be an Asshole to Yourself
Um. Shortest section I’ve ever written here. The heading is the whole thing. Don’t be an asshole to yourself. Yes, I typed it again. It’s that important.
Steal My Script
Y’all know I’m great with a lot of this stuff because you see me role-modeling it on the daily. And even still, I struggle. So I have TOOLS (so do you) that I’ll use when I forget how not to be an asshole to myself.
One of my very favorite phrases to use when I’m asked to carry anything that I know — I KNOW — I “shouldn’t” take on right now (for any reason) is this:
Y’know, I’ve been really overdoing it lately and to keep myself from burning out, I’m going to have to opt out on this.
Variations as needed, based on what’s being asked of you and/or who’s doing the asking (including YOU asking it of yourself, darlin’):
~ Ooh, that sounds great. Not gonna work for me this time, but do keep me posted.
~ Sis, I know this is important to you, but I don’t have the bandwidth for this convo right now. Let’s catch up later.
~ This addition to the project sounds great! What will we be removing from my task list to accommodate this new task?
~ Self, you KNOW this is your kryptonite. Back off from it for a 2-day waiting period to be sure you really want to pick this up.
~ No, thank you.
Beyond the words, there’s also the actions you can take. In a room where a convo is growing stressful (even on a topic you love to debate)? Excuse yourself and leave the room. Can’t leave the room while a stressful discussion is happening or the news is on a TV you can’t control (like in a waiting room)? Put your earbuds in. Do some EFT/tapping. Hug yourself. Say a mantra to yourself. Journal. Do an Abraham-Hicks list of positive aspects about the situation. Just be.
Add your favorites to the comments below so we all have a bigger list o’ options!!
Now that you know that EVERYTHING comes with an Energetic Load…
and that you can CHOOSE how much of an Energetic Load you’ll carry at any given time…
because you have TOOLS to help you honor the NO line for your Energetic Load…
Share How You’ll Practice Balancing a Healthy Energetic Load
This is a bit like “your ideal day” journaling. Share below in the comments how you’ll know you’ve succeeded at balancing a healthy Energetic Load. What will that look like, in practical terms. List some of the things you’ll do (or NOT do) when you’re loving your relationship with your Energetic Load. Describe yourself as this person with a balanced, healthy Energetic Load situation.
Now, I want you to notice the headline here! You will PRACTICE. BALANCING. a healthy Energetic Load. It is a practice — engaged in regularly, purposefully, with intention, with focus, consistently. It requires balancing — which is a constant state of motion, micro-adjustments, always shifting due to circumstances that are ever-changing. (Remember, we’re all Mutable!)
I’ll direct you to Laura’s gorgeous share in the comments after last month’s Zoom. A beautifully-timed hiccup in what had been a consistent outpouring of sacred time… right after she shared so beautifully during the Zoom *about* that commitment and its benefits. This is NOT a coincidence!
This is primal brain winning out again. The part of the brain that worries we may be shifting out of the pack when something is going so well for so long will do whatever it takes to create self-sabotage, resistance, an upper-limit problem. You know the deal. This is well-traveled territory and when we SEE it happening, the appropriate response is, “Good job, brain!” and get back at it as soon as that feels like love.
Congratulate yourself for being human. For having an amygdala. For needing — and getting — evidence that the work you’re doing *is* working. (You wouldn’t feel so shitty after the out-of-balance moment otherwise.)
I choose to love myself right now.
Checking In… Again
How are you with this? We’re not really doing an audit this month (unless you need more data or want to zoom in on a particular area of balancing, boundary-keeping, or practicing with this, of course). I’d love to see you be curious about the role of CHOICE in your relationship with your Energetic Load. We all could benefit from some sharing in the comments about how it feels to navigate balancing a healthy Energetic Load. (We ALL have experience with that, BTW! Even if it feels fleeting, we’ve *all* been successful at balancing a healthy Energetic Load at some point.)
I’d love to see us feeling well-sourced for being deliberate in what we choose to carry. Being skilled at using discernment in how we budget our energetic resources. Feeling safe upholding boundaries that help us balance a healthy Energetic Load.
NOTE: The people we choose to keep in our lives will support the curiosity with which we’re approaching what it means to be the version of ourselves we most love being. They may even get curious about what it means to be the version of themselves they most love being! But if they’re confronted with the concept that any of this expansive work is in fact doable, expect them to act out. This is where that CHOICE thing really comes in. Choose to spend time with people who enjoy seeing you live a life you fully, deeply enjoy.
Psst! BTW, I enjoy seeing you live a life you fully, deeply enjoy. It is an HONOR to get to be a part of the behind-the-curtain team for that version of you. Thank you for trusting my vision for you and letting it swirl among your vision for yourself. Truly beautiful!
I treasure you,
Aligned Hustle Calendar
We’re at the official start of Retrograde Season (that time when more than just Mercury creates an illusion that impacts how we do our doings). Jupiter is now happily making magic in Taurus for all of us. And this month Pluto will retrograde back into Capricorn with big “FINISH HIM!” energy. Basically, that means the next few months will reveal the last chapter of the book we started reading/living in 2008, as far as transformation of political, social, institutional systems go. Like I said… “FINISH HIM!” 😉
I should mention that there are now only 2 year-long mentorship slots available in my Guided Chart Harmony experience. If this has been on your wishlist, now’s the time! As the first folks through re-up for another year next month, that’ll mean fewer slots for newcomers to the mentorship. Please lemmeknow if you have questions about all that! (Enroll here.)
Remember to pop on by during Connect with Bon if a visit would feel uplifting to you! Zoom link + schedule available at https://bonniegillespie.com/connect — no RSVP, no replay, no stress! 🙂
This month’s Expansive Capacity meeting is happening at this Zoom link at 11am PDT on Tuesday, June 20th (translate that to your time zone here).
You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay up here for you to consume within 24 hours of the meeting. Hooray!
If it’s possible that you’ve never Zoomed before, for sure we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Here is the replay of our June 20th deep dive. Enjoy!
And your always-awesome chat is here. Yay!
As we continue this beautiful, life-changing work, let’s play with some of this:
~ Imagine the brain chemicals that are shifting in you — constantly — as you are undertaking this work. Remembering that we are all mutable, consider the cascading effects of every decision to love ourselves, to hold space for our big feelings, to disengage from anything toxic in our lives… all of the big and little things. When you wonder why anything is feeling ANY certain way, remember that you’ve been shifting the tectonic plates of your very soul and there’s an Energetic Load for that experience too!
~ Begin toying with a sort of Dip Kit for your Energetic Load. We’ll formalize this a bit next month, but for now, just begin noticing what feels like love/self-care/nurturing/a hug/a reset from those more taxing encounters and experiences we all have. Make a list if you’d like! We’ll be using these tools together soon.
~ GET SPECIFIC with that nebulous, amorphous, shape-shifting lump of ENERGY that definitely has weight to it in your daily life. Specificity is where we deconstruct — and disempower — the voice of shame when it gets going on loop for us. Use any shoulds as an opportunity for checking in. “Whose voice are you?” “Who said that?” “Where is this TRUTH coming from and is it true FOR ME today?” Just do some dispassionate labeling for now.
Next month, we will continue exploring Your Relationship with Your Energetic Load, specifically playing with the weight of shame, the specificity of voice to any of our self-talk around our shoulds, and where in our bodies we may be storing any of the Energetic Load we’re not budgeting for. What does budgeting for the Energetic Load of our lives look like? What exactly is our “Dip Kit” for this comprised of and how can we build muscles for accessing those tools?
Your Aligned Hustle Calendar for July is available for you now on the WELCOME page. It’s officially retrograde season (and Cancer season, in just a few hours). Time to feel all the feels AND use those emotions to create change for ourselves and the world.
We’re leaders, y’all. Every single one of us. And having one another to bounce this work around with is essential to our ability to weather gracefully all the lighthouse opportunities we’re presented with in our lives. I for one am forever grateful for every single convo we have in our Zooms and in this commenting space too. THANK YOU.
Here’s another reminder that Connect with Bon sessions are available to you as members of Expansive Capacity. No RSVP. No replay. No stress. 😉 You are safe, seen, and loved. KNOW THAT.
why hellloooo, darlings!
i want to pick up where Laura & Kathi left off last month and say, from my point of view, THANK YOU BOTH for sharing what you share! whether you feel like your success/suggestions are fraudulent or not, i think of all that’s shared in our group as pure manna to our on-going conversations. sometimes one of us needs a pick-up, a salient word, or space to feel all the feels. sometimes we offer (positive) experience that may or may not be picked-up at the time, but it’s there & appreciated. we are all on this merry-go-round together! (and Laura, i gotta “yes, and” Bonnie’s response. again, from my experience i find that i’m usally projecting someone from my past when i feel that kind of judgement.)
as for my current take on the energetic load of it all—energetic loads show up in my life in the form of STRESS, brought to me by worry-Wilma. yay! i’m taking baby steps (can’t tackle all of them at one time), but right now i am taking the leap toward what past me would call ‘lying to myself’ or ‘not facing reality’ and i’m practing telling myself on the daily that everything will work out, it is working out, i’m a success and i’m grateful. (i get more specific than that, but that’s the overall idea.) i have NEVER done this before in my life (hello, the person who didn’t get our manifestation month!), but in addition to our discussions & some tapping work, two things occurred to me: 1. how well is it working for me now to be so damn “worried & realistic”? & 2. if our minds really do shape our bodies & our relation to the earth, then maybe it’s time my mind tells my cells what’s positive & what’s full of grace & gratitude?! that and i’m endeavoring to stay present and “be a person/myself.” some magic has definitely occurred in the form of pronoia + i hear birds all the time now in NYC!
as soon as i began, two challenges occurred:
i got a callback for a role i really wanted AND my father is on the decline and i had to go visit, not returning until the night before the callback. i already have enoughness-callback issues and now we’re heaping family stress on it, too. i decided to live in the mess of it all & let it be okay. i’m a person. the woman i’m playing is a person. whenever i felt stress and fear, i acknowledged it and held it to my heart. i don’t need to “show” that i’m perfect and can handle everything/take care of everyone—casting, director, my dad, my mom, whomever. i took care of myself & my character. i took care and tried to notice & breathe in all the moments. that’s an energetic load i can manage.
i booked the role (yay!). if i had not, i would have been sad, i know, but there was not ONE THING i would have done differently that week either with my family, in preparation, or in the casting room. i took the ride and all along i spoke some very kind words to myself.
the next step is examining my fear that now i have this great part, might my father die in the midst of it all? how selfish will i look if i’m not there for 3 months due to rehearsal and the run of the show? what more can i do from afar to really help them? how often can i get down? what about my mother? & so many more fear-filled questions that largely have to do with my fear of death & change within a stress-filled environment (my family).
i’m holding my hand to my heart. i’m talking to my father’s energetic load (his is very heavy!) and i’m trusting that whatever happens, it’s the best possible thing to happen. and i approve of myself!
negative stress is so seared into my body; this is not easy for me (and can feel a little exhausting). but again, why NOT try something entirely different?
yet another leap into the void – ! i look forward to becoming more practiced.
I’m so flippin’ proud of you, Connie. This is big. I know we discussed this during the Zoom, but I really wanted to underscore the GOOD WORK you’re doing here. It’s a lot and you’re being consistent with it and really letting it have an impact on you (a positive one)! That self-talk is incredibly powerful and you are ROCKIN’ it!! Well done! More hand-on-heart connecting. More pronoia. Yes, yes, yes!
And not because it’s true or not true; because it feels good to be certain everything is working out for us, right?
i always appreciate the encouragement! thank you, love!
“There is nothing I can be that will change what being means. Just be.
She wasn’t all that impressed with it. You may not be either. But dang it, I still am!
To use more words — as I did in trying to get the subject of my interview to *get it* — what I’m saying with that is that the very state of BEING carries with it a certain, well, Energetic Load. And while we’re busy trying to figure out HOW to be or WHOM to be — thinking that some combination of choices could finally alleviate from us the overwhelming burden that it is to JUST EXIST — if we would accept that our Energetic Load is a big part of BEING, we’d perceive a lot less weight to that Energetic Load.”
^^This leapt out of me as I feel myself in a weird, liminal(?) space right now. It’s a space of wanting to change (as you always say Bon, “it’s safe to change…it’s safe to change”) and wanting familiar…comforts. The energetic load of THAT space is kind of actually making me exhausted. Like, physically exhausted, more than jet lag from my recent trip to Portugal. The other day, I just went to bed at 3:30pm or so, and just…stayed in bed. And slept. Til the next morning. Now, some might say, “that’s just jet-lag” but it feels more weighty than that. It’s almost as if while I’m awake, there are so many messages being sent to me, via my body, my brain, weird little signs/seeing times on the clock over and over again, etc., that I feel a bit otherworldly, and unbalanced. Like I’m living in a foreign person’s body. Like, I am on the precipice of something big, and my waking self isn’t 100% ready for it. My dreams are super specific and intricate, and the energetic load is just…IN BETWEEN something and something else, something new, something waiting to be revealed. I hesitate to use the word “scary” but it does have that flavor. I’m really glad we have our meet up tomorrow because I feel a bit like I’m floating away. A couple weeks alone in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language is a way to really come to terms with lots of shit within yourself, take it from me. I have examples but I won’t get into it here, maybe I’ll talk a little about it tomorrow.
But, and it’s hard for me to articulate well, I keep reaching for words and don’t know if they’re right, but when we discuss all of the above examples of chosen and “unchosen” energetic loads, that circle just keeps on coming back, to me, in the form of “the energetic load of BEing”, itself. And how we’re so conditioned to think of things as linear and point A —> point B, etc, that the space of NOW, and whatever energy that carries just IS. Learning to accept that without *judgement*, or to just passively observe it, feels like the way, at least for me. But hoo boy is this space uncomfortable. So, I will observe that uncomfortableness, and see what comes next, I suppose. What else is there to do really?
I was thinking about this comment and our convo about this during Expansive Capacity this week, Kellye, and then your having to leave Live Your Chart early to go with your kitty to the vet. It’s almost as if the kitty’s needs were designed to bring you crashing back to reality because the liminal space is too uncomfortable to stay in for too much longer.
I remember similar things happening after the first Abraham-Hicks cruise I took. I came home and COULD NOT feel stressed about stuff. Even if I looked at stressful things, I could not feel stressed! I just was in too high-vibing a place!! And then, enough of something happened to bring me back to reality and I had to remind myself that I can still choose — every day when I wake up — to get back to that liminal space. To reset TO the high-vibing space, uncomfortable as it is.
Sending you hugs and love and I sure hope your kitty is on the mend! XO
You know, I never thought of it like that. What’s interesting and kinda aligned with this, is that the vet who saw her, from the same office we’ve been taking her to for years, actually gave her a (mostly) clean bill of health which is not what another vet who has seen her at this office said! *That* doc (again, same vet office!) told me she was in early-mid stage kidney disease like, over a year ago now, but this one said “her last kidney levels suggest she’s *teetering* on kidney disease but not there yet.” Like whaaaa?? So I’ve been convinced she’s ABOUT TO DIE ANY MINUTE for over a year now, and she actually may be pretty damn ok for her age of 15 (aside from the pancreatitis, and pending the blood test results, of course). This also teaches me to pause, and maybe accept news that IS GOOD. Instead of being convinced otherwise and then *living from that space*.
I am ready to re-up to the liminal uncomfortable space, and did some meditating this morning on that. Funnily enough, just got another audition in the last hour. Wild. The just BEing space, the load that comes with that can be quite a ride if I can learn to stay OPEN to it.
Right? That’s amazing, Kellye. You’ve tapped into something really special AND you know how to get back there. Keep practicing that. You’ll ALWAYS be glad to have and use that skill!!
I think what you’re describing with the different doctors’ POVs is why I just started saying — as soon as I have even the slightest of sniffles — “Uh-oh! Full-body cancer!” and then laugh.
Because when I was on bedrest in 2018, I went all over the place (obvi, before and after I was officially on bedrest, of course) seeing specialists and taking all the tests for all the things, certain I must have some sort of tumor on my spinal cord or something, because here I was at the fittest, thinnest, healthiest, soberest, most active I’d ever been in my life — living the damn dream of all my dreams — and I got laid out with NO explanation. And every fucking doctor said something different, most of them just completely stumped and happy to prescribe more and more brain-altering drugs. :\
After I exhausted allllllll of the doctors and all of the specialists and we’d gotten down to a punchline of, “Okay, it’s exploratory surgery time,” I decided they don’t know what they’re doing and since we know for sure it’s NOT full-body cancer, I’m just going to call it that and decide “We’ve had a good run!” since I could drop dead at any moment.
I decided that I’m now on bonus points time. Extra credit. I’ve now lived all the life I was meant to live and done all the things I was meant to do. No regrets. I love the life I’ve had… and now my full-body cancer could take me at any moment. Cool. We’re good.
Something about that ridiculously irreverent and nonsensical setpoint has made everything in my life a whole lot easier since then. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sharing in case ANY of that helps. I love you. I’m glad your kitty is doing just like a 15-year-old baby is expected to be doing. And OF COURSE, just keep on listening to the doc who keeps you smiling about your baby, rather than crying about her.
{{{hugs}}}
You are able to shift perspectives better than anyone I’ve ever known. Like, choosing everything else after the bedrest year and doc visits and all of it as “bonus points” is like…wow, HOW do you get there?? It’s a muscle I’d like to exercise (and getting better at really) with so many things. Seeing you in action, living from this place, is IMMENSELY helpful. And what a truth punch: why don’t I listen to the doc that makes me smile about my Bear rather than cry about her. Brilliant. Love you so much.
Gonna use this as the jumping-off point for next month’s deep dive, because the answer to the question HOW DO YOU GET THERE is actually perfect for further exploration from all of us!! 🙂 Thank you, Kellye. You’re definitely building your reframe muscle and getting stronger with it every damn day. Love you!
Yayyyyyy ❤️❤️❤️
one more thing i want to say that literally bubbled-up at the end there when i held hand to heart — we are NOT broken! even “kintsukuroi” or the sculpture Bon found and shared once—not broken. instead, strong & beautiful & curious & full of love.
felt like i wanted to share that.
this group feeds that for me—we’re also badasses!
Con, thank you for this. 100% agreed. And I am SO thankful I found Bon, this mastermind, Keith, and you all. This group feeds my soul too. Love you! ❤️
Awwwwww. Love you, kiddo.
100% agree. We are phenomenal! Every one of us. That’s why/how we all found each other!