Hello beautiful people. It’s time to dive in on our topic for September!
This month is all about Your Relationship with People Pleasing. Ooh, if you’re the type who finds YOU are most comfortable AFTER you’ve made sure everyone else is taken care of (because them having a problem with you is the most torture you could ever feel), this is the deep-dive for you!
Get ready for a whole new way of approaching people pleasing… starting with pleasing YOU (yes, you are people) first!
So.
What does a social media detox have to do with people pleasing? Oh, I’m so glad you asked! Ev.Er.Y.Thing! These apps are designed to keep us activated in ways that make us feel anxious when we’re NOT relentlessly refreshing, keeping tabs on everyone and everything, noticing notifications, and responding immediately to any little reaction emoji as if it’s a signal that we are GO for emergency surgery.
Hint: Billions upon billions of dollars are spent on keeping social media “sticky.” So, when we feel addicted, consumed by, held hostage by, required to feed the beast of our gadgets and the apps that run on them, everything is working exactly as it’s designed to work. The platforms’ developers have done their jobs well when they’ve engaged the primal brain of every user just enough to keep us ON the app longer… even feeling out of sorts when we’re NOT on the app.
FOMO is real, and it’s primal.
(Seriously one of my favorite vids ever. Because we ARE those monkeys. When we worry we’re missing out on anything, it’s THAT monkey mind in us that is activated, exactly like that.)
So, for my REBELS out there, just knowing you’re being manipulated like a mo-fo to stay on the app should give you reason enough to rebel against that programming and do a social media detox.
My QUESTIONERS just need to ask why they’re feeling compelled to go on social. The answer is: addiction. Nothing more. Nothing less. Want to stay addicted? Keep rewarding your brain for its addictive impulses (by picking up the gadget again and again). Want to break that cycle? Add that palm-to-the-screen pause we worked on in last month’s Zoom.
Fellow UPHOLDERS, y’all know we just need to set up a RULE about this. Going off social for X days or X hours or X period of time (like while Mars is in Gemini, for example) is an easy rule to uphold. So do that. Done.
And for the lovely OBLIGERS in the bunch, this is where we get into the gumbo that is a blend of social media, social expectations, social norms, and… people pleasing. Putting down the gadget for the sake of improving your own mental health is going to be more challenging for Obligers because Obligers think — somewhere in that gorgeous brain of yours — that people pleasing is a GOOD thing.
It’s not.
You may even be saying right now, “Bon! I *know* people pleasing is a bad thing… I just can’t stop doing it!” to which I reply: “Wanna know the secret to being nearly 6 years sober? I haven’t had a drink in nearly 6 years.”
That’s the cheeky, but totally true, bottom line to anything we want to change: There’s no stopping us from doing a thing we keep showing up to do. And we keep showing up to do it for myriad reasons, one of the stickiest of which happens to be “for others.”
And that’s a bunch of bullshit.
Here’s why: People pleasing is never about the other person.
People pleasing is about controlling what others think about US.
More correctly, I care so much about you being the version of yourself that you most love being that I’ll bear bad news like this and hold you while you thrash about a bit.
Honestly, I know you’re not surprised to hear that people pleasing is about control. You probably also know that people pleasers are liars, right?
People pleasers SO want to control what others think of them that they’ll lie to those same others in order to, well, please them, which often means stuffing down their own needs to the point of not even acknowledging that they have any!
When we prevent ourselves from having our own needs met because we’re so busy people pleasing, we begin to get resentful and we don’t even know why. We get pissed that everybody else isn’t reciprocating the thing that we do as easily as breathing — taking care of others. Why aren’t they taking care of US like that?
Because they don’t have the toxic imprint of being people pleasers! As the saying goes: Feeling resentful? Check your boundaries. YOU are the one who needs to make an adjustment here, not the non-people-pleasers out there. They’re role-modeling something really handy for us: They’re taking care of their own needs and not apologizing for letting their needs be known, either!
Of course, as a people pleaser, you may be SUPER clever. Like, you can convince yourself that YOUR NEEDS are actually whatever the other person needs, because getting THAT need met is what serves your primary objective which is… controlling what others think about you.
Psst! You know we can’t control what others think about us, right?
Handy reminder:
Our true fans are into us when we please no one but ourselves.
Our true haters couldn’t be won over with any amount of pleasing we did for them.
And that meh-middle third is happy to remain meh-and-pleased. They’d be just as meh if you stopped pleasing them.
Share Time
Take a moment and share in the comments below how your people pleasing shows up, if at all. You may already be well healed of this addiction and if that’s the case, please share below how you STOPPED people pleasing so everyone can benefit from your strong muscles today.
The reason I know even the non-people-pleasers here ONCE people pleased is because we all did — out of necessity — as kiddos. We learned what the norms were within our own family unit and we served up exactly what got us greeted with a smile, applause, “Good job,” food, shelter, or whatever love was shaped like at any given time.
People pleasing is a survival mechanism… up ’til we’re on our own and self-sufficient and sovereign and all that. Once we’re grown-ass people, we actually can CHOOSE to please only ourselves and still survive.
Yet, we may have habituated the whole reward loop of:
figure out what they want from me –>
do that thing –>
get a reward for it –>
feel safe –>
reinforce the belief that safety only comes from keeping others feeling good –>
become an expert in figuring out what they ALL want from me –>
…repeat, repeat, repeat.
Notice how this ESCALATES the more we repeat it? It goes from survival instincts for the primary life-giver in our early lives all the way up to every boss, every roommate, every lover, every partner, every friend, every castmate, every acquaintance, every flippin’ rando on the internet we’ve ever encountered before too long.
And we’re back at our social media detox.
How ya doin’?
Share in the comments below where — in your body — you’re feeling scrunchy about all of this. Is your tummy flipping? Is your throat closing? Are your shoulders up at your earlobes? Is your forehead crinkled? Does your ass ache? Seriously… where in your body are you feeling the anxiety of NOT feeling the feelings that come from this download of truth?
Can you make it safe that your body has this instinct to feel physical symptoms due to anxiety over wanting to NOT feel the emotions around what may be a lifetime of people pleasing?
Keep in mind, I haven’t even asked you to stop trying to people please yet. I’m just sharing with you some backstory for you to better understand your existing relationship with the habit, if you didn’t already know all of this stuff.
Question: Why can’t EVERYONE just be a people pleaser? Then we’re ALL looking out for one another and that makes the world a better place!
Nope.
Not even a little bit.
Because at some point, our individual values come into play, and we may be really good at knowing what WE THINK should please others, but we’re actually only well trained at people pleasing those who are most like the caregivers we had growing up.
(This is that whole “attracting people who are just like our [BLANK]” thing. We keep bringing into our lives people who respond just like our [WHOMEVER] did, growing up, because that makes us feel… you guessed it… safe.)
My Favorite Reframe
Y’all know I’m queen of the reframe… and this is one of my faves. When I feel myself trying to people please rather than asking whether my own needs are met, irrespective of the other party’s needs at the moment, I ask myself: “What ELSE could I do to perceive myself as GOOD right now?”
See, for me, people pleasing is about being perceived as a good person. (Again, we can’t control how others feel about us.) So if I can ask myself how ELSE I could get to the feeling of, “Bonnie Gillespie is a good person” right then, I’m less likely to people please and more likely to isolate that need of mine, take care of the situation at hand with my needs considered TOO, and then come back to my need to be perceived as GOOD when I’m no longer faced with the opportunity to people please.
Example: Keith and I are both exhausted with puppy parenting. It’s a lot. (But OMG, so worth it. Can you EVEN with this cuteness?!?)
If I can stop myself and say, “Wait! I want to perceive myself as a good person. Can I do that without playing martyr and acting like I don’t have a need that runs counter to Keith’s need right now?” I’m in great shape. Because THAT gets me behaving more honestly with Keith, more in alignment with my non-resentful self, and OUT of the people pleasing business.
I check my Circles of Safety (always) and then I say, “Yeah. We’re both beat. We both need some downtime. Could we do a family nap so we all get rest for an hour and then we can — from a refreshed state — divvy up the rest of the afternoon in a way that feels fair and considerate for what we both have on our plate today?”
I don’t manipulate. I don’t play the victim. And I don’t hide my own needs. I also don’t throw a fit if my needs cannot be met right now! Because sometimes that’s just the way it is.
NOTE THAT: Healthy people don’t throw a fit when their needs can’t be met. Because that’s just how it is sometimes. People pleasers, though, become so very trained to meeting everyone else’s needs always, that the VERY FEW TIMES they ask for their own needs to be met, there’s a whole big spinout when those needs can’t be met. Huge overreaction for the average, “I’m sorry, I can’t accommodate you/that right now,” but a totally normal reaction for someone who saves up a lot a lot a lot of people pleasing for the ONE little time they ask for their own needs to be met.
Let’s not do that, K?
As Scott Barry Kaufman says, “Resentment eventually becomes self-induced suffering.” We’re building up resentment due to our OWN lack of boundaries, our OWN lack of open communication, our OWN putting others’ needs above our own.
IMPORTANT: You’ll notice I mentioned checking my Circles of Safety, right? Very real thing to consider, here: When you change the rules on people who are accustomed to having you put their needs above your own, they can get really nasty about that change. IF they are deep in your Circles of Safety, let them in on the fact that you’re building a muscle for checking on your needs before agreeing to do anything with or for someone else. Make it about you (because it IS about you). Don’t even say the phrase “people pleasing” (because it’s triggering). Just say you’re building a muscle for checking on your needs. Period.
And if they’re farther out in the Circles of Safety, you’re gonna have to baby step the people pleasing back a bit. Start by saying NO to things you would normally say yes to (and regret saying yes to) but don’t say the real why. Like, the real why might be because you really dislike going out to dinner with this friend, but the why you use when you say no at first will be because you’re busy. It’s a step in the right direction because you did say NO! Yay! People pleasing you would’ve said yes and hated yourself for agreeing to do something you so dislike.
Jam in the comments about scenarios you’d like to test out or prep for. We’ll see what we’re dealing with and help out where we can!
Brain Chemicals
We actually get good brain chemicals when we people please, mainly because we feel SAFE. Let’s review the various kinds of brain chemicals that get swirling around in us and find alternative ways to get those same hits! (Click any for the larger version.)
Share below what you might try out, of these options (or ones you’ve come up with on your own). I’m especially interested in hearing what you may have played with in those last 11 days of August, if you tried the social media hiatus with me!
A Really Shitty Question and a Great Reminder
In case you don’t remember from early 2020 when I got back from Fiji and shared the phenomenal experience I had with Liz Gilbert during this private-island-writers-retreat, one of the many brilliant things Liz did was put a confronting shitty question in front of us. Repeatedly.
What are you willing to give up to have the life you keep pretending you want?
Gah!
Now, look. I’ve stayed WAY off that question since I first shared it with y’all in February of 2020 because, um, OMG, 2020. Then 2021. Then 2022. The world is a lot and we’re lucky we’re surviving it with enough grace intact to be able to navigate the bullshit without losing our shit constantly.
The last thing anyone needs right now is the pressure of “I say I want to be a better version of me but that’s really not how I’m behaving on a consistent basis” on top of everything else.
So, I bring back that shitty question with nothing but love and acknowledgment that it’s a shitty question… worth thinking about. Sometimes. That’s all I’m gonna say.
And then, I’ll put this reminder right here: “When we know better, we do better” is a lie.
We don’t do better until we’re READY to do better.
Let’s honor this as we unlearn some people pleasing habits, shall we?
We’ll come back to the shitty question during less shitty times. Count on it.
The Digital Detox
Of course, I’ve been sharing about this over the past few months and in our Zooms. We’ve been continuing the convo in the comments here at the dojo. A few of you meet with me to work on this (and more) in other memberships, privately, and so on. Obvi, we spend a whole 2 days on weaning from social in Get in Gear for the Next Tier. So, this is me putting some of the words from various places into a bit of a guide for doing a digital detox — for however many days (or even just hours) you’d like!
Attempt limiting your gadget use. Especially if, like me, you’ve used the pandy to get extra-tethered to your phone and tablet and whatever else, this will be helpful. We’re decoupling danger signals from the activity of reaching for the small-screened thing. We’re putting away the binky or pacifier or whatever the suck-on-this plastic thing was called in your early life. đ We’re teaching the danger signals they can separate from our habits because WE have the ability to enforce HOW the habits are done.
START by turning off notifications (except for calls, texts, and emails from your closest people or key business contacts). Put your phone on do-not-disturb mode for the whole day (again, with those VIPs having the ability to burst through, but no one else). Use the password-protection option to get through your lock-screen. NOT facial recognition. NOT thumbprint access. In addition to those options being ridiculously ripe for digital theft (thereby putting everything you “password protect” with those things at risk), they’re also FAST ways to access your stuff. Make it a pain in the ass. Make it clunky. Make it a password you have to tap in, every time. Log OUT of everything when you’re finished with a pass of all the apps. Don’t save your password anywhere. Make yourself TYPE IT IN every time. This will be SURE you really really really want to be all up in there. Every time. Turn on 2-factor authentication if you really want to make it a pain. (If you’re like me, you do that with NOT YOUR PHONE NUMBER as the one that receives the special code. Yup. Keith’s phone gets the code so I can’t get on Facebook after he’s gone to bed and dick around there for hours. Good.)
When you’re in your apps, turn off “last active” visibility. Yes, this means you also can’t see when other people were last active but OMG what an addiction trigger! No one needs to know when someone was last active, ever. It’s nobody’s damn business. Turn it off. It serves no positive purpose whatsoever. It turns up your anxiety and makes you more addicted to the app. Go on “invisible mode” anywhere that offers it. That allows you to come and go from the app without anyone knowing. No one needs to know. And you don’t need to know that about anyone else either.
Also when you’re in the apps, never never never click on a pop-up notification. (Notice how those always show up in very easy-to-tap places?) Again, make it inconvenient to see whatever it was the app wanted to bait you with. Do a SINGLE pass of the list of all the whatevers (notification round-up, activity on posts, comments, DMs). One. Single. Pass. And if someone replies right away because they’re on the app at the same time as you, leave that shit unread, because your time on the app is over. You have Your Favorite You to be. Clock out of being a completist. Make it okay to leave things incomplete. Open tickets galore!
Each time you go in on any of your apps, unfollow anyone who doesn’t bring you joy. I mean it. When you see something that jacks up your nerves, unfollow the person who posted it, re-posted it, tagged you to drag you into it, DM’d you to get you to look at it… whatever. Life’s too short to have a feed filled with things that whip up the most tender parts of our mind-body connection!
Remember that the human brain is geared 4:1 negative to positive. Just ask yourself whether anyone in your feed is supplying your evolutionary brain with easy-to-get negatives or harder-to-get positives. Unfollow accordingly. And if that’s too big a stretch for you right now, DON’T just observe the feed!! Go specifically TO people’s accounts to consume their photos, their tweets, their status update, their vids, etc., and then leave their profiles to go to another somebody’s… and so on. Don’t let the algorithm serve you its agenda. Go look at what you CARE to look at. Use social mindfully.
Stop engaging with bots in ANY app you use. I play a lot of Words With Friends. I regularly have a dozen games going. I love these games and adore the smart people I play with. And when all my turns are done, the app tries to get me to play solo rounds so I can win stuff (various tools that I can use in real-people games, to swap out tiles or see where moves could be placed and such). I no longer accept those games. Because their purpose is to keep me on the app longer. So I can see more ads.
Oh! On that! Turn OFF ad personalization EVERYWHERE you have the chance to do so! Ad personalization uses your data (all your personal info, even the “this is me” selection in your contacts, BTW, plus that facial recognition and thumbprint I’ve already mentioned… oh, and your voice recognition if you use Siri or Alexa or all of those various things — seriously, turn them all OFF) to be sure you’re getting ads that are tailored to your needs. F that. Make yourself LESS valuable to the apps that sell you to advertisers. Make yourself unfigureoutable by doing non-standard things with your apps! I promise, it will enhance your joy level on your gadgets by a LOT over time.
When you feel yourself reaching for your gadget, stop. Put your palm on the screen. PAUSE. Check in with your body. Take a breath. Quick scan. Where are you feeling activated or agitated? Spend a second sending a beam of light to that spot. Say, “There is nothing to fix,” or “You are safe,” or “OMG, I love you SO MUCH!” if you’d like to add a mantra to the process of light-beaming.
Next, set a timer for an hour from now. THAT is when you may pick up your gadget. Now… do anything else. You’re RIGHT NOW actively teaching your brain that danger and your phone are not connected. You have found safety in your own body. You are creating the centeredness that turns down anxiety 24/7.
When the timer goes off an hour later, you may open up your phone or iPad or whatever and do 20 minutes worth of stuff. That’s it. 20. So, use the time well. Get strategic and specific about what needs your attention, doing some decluttering if you can, while you’re in there. Then at 20 minutes, put the tech away and get back to anything else.
Remember: The purpose of that PAUSE — with the full palm of the hand on the face of the phone for a moment — is to just get your brain realizing it’s in a habit loop and you have CHOICES that include NOT going into the app right then. We’re just interrupting patterns with this, and the brain NEEDS that in order to realize how very addicted we’ve become.
The point to doing all of this digital detoxing is to teach your brain it can decouple from addictions that are socially acceptable — even expected of us — and still be safe. THIS is key to taking it all the way to leaving people pleasing behind. It starts by doing it mindfully, dispassionately labeling what we’re doing — not judging ourselves for it — and knowing we’re choosing it because it’s what’s working for us in this moment. AND that we’re headed toward more moments when pleasing others first, being at the mercy of social media, or any other misaligned behaviors are a thing of the past.
Remember that most of our needs can be met by WITHING. Drop into your body to find out where you’re activated. Use any of the tools we’ve explored in these past few months. Be present with and loving toward yourself. Remember that as we’re shifting these relationships within ourselves, we’re rewiring our brains to be incredibly more resourced for creativity and joy!
Anxiety takes up a LOT of space! Once we practice having less of it — and once Gloop becomes less accustomed to accessing more of it on demand — we have SO much room for brilliance that feeds our creative souls (and the world) beautifully. What a gift!
Having been almost entirely off social since our Zoom last month, I noticed within just a couple of days that the familiar feeling of, “Oh, I need to share this with Instagram” (usually a puppy photo or a tweet or a screenshot of a funny text exchange) was followed quickly by an asking, “Do I?”
I’ve gotta tell ya, THAT feeling is so spacious and yummy. The feeling of, “my life still happens even if I share it with no one,” blends with an observation of, “Isn’t it lovely to appreciate this on my own vs. putting it out there for the world to critique, judge, like/react to, or tell ME what the value of it may be through their POV?”
Within just a few days off social, I can tell I’m navigating off my own settings, not how others feel about my shared issues or how I feel about their issues I get caught up in when I go on social. I had a moment this past Sunday when I really felt how big and wonderful our life is… and that is confronting… and that has me craving comfort food… and that makes perfect sense. I didn’t have to have some exchange out there in the world with someone else to justify my emotions or to mask what I was really feeling or to get me riled up about anything… I could just really bask in how it felt to be in my big, wonderful life at that moment. That WITHING is everything.
Remember
Just because we’ve gotten used to using social media in a certain way doesn’t mean we have to continue doing so. ANY relationship that can’t withstand us taking a mental health break from an incredibly triggering space that’s built to keep us addicted is not a real relationship after all.
Further, our true friends would never want us to choose people pleasing over taking care of our own needs. The only people who get bent out of shape over us creating a new boundary are the ones who most benefited from us NOT having that boundary before. Those who are truly meaningful in our lives — in a reciprocal way — will celebrate this adjustment to a setpoint that is more honoring of our fullest selves.
What a gift to have this space to work out the kinks of this *and* start that celebration together! I love you all so stinkin’ much. Thank you for engaging in this experiment with me!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
Mars in Gemini is a LOT, which I’ve already been talking about. Take it easy. Count to 10. Give yourself space and grace and lots of love for doing your best (and remember everyone else is doing their best too… or let’s decide they are, even if we’re certain they’re not sometimes).
If you’d like to join us at our Chart Harmony Discord server, hit this and we’ll see you over there, as we work out together using the colors of all the days in the month ahead. Yay!
So much love flowing your way,
This month’s LIVE interactive Expansive Capacity meeting is happening at this Zoom link at 11am PDT on Thursday, September 15th (translate that to your time zone here).
You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay up here for you to consume within 24 hours of the meeting. Hooray!
If it’s possible that you’ve never Zoomed before, for sure we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Here is the replay of our September 15th deep dive. Enjoy!
Your ever-supportive chat is here. Woo HOO!
Some thoughts post-Zoom:
~ Play with Aaron’s beautiful mantra: “I’m okay with being misunderstood.” How does this feel? Where in your body are you pinged or lit up or fluttery when you try it out? Do you believe yourself about this? Can you experience differences in various Circles of Safety with it?
~ Give yourself the EASEFUL experience that is creating space and time between receiving and replying, when it comes to emails, text messages, DMs at social media platforms, and such. If someone has been well-trained to expect you to be far more reactive (and fast), retrain them. Let them know it’s an experiment. Get them on board for it, if that’s doable.
~ Consult the four-point checklist for being in Gloop brain about anything: ruminating, catastrophizing, shame, comparison (to your past self or others). Know when you can check off ANY of these states, you are not in a rational thinking space and everything from there is just Gloop taffy. You can decide when you’re ready to put that shit down. ESPECIALLY when you’re spinning out but not completing the sentences, get yourself going all the way to the end of the story. Find out if it’s a bory. Get back in rational brain and remember you are safe and… you’re okay with being misunderstood. Calm the fuck down. đ Whichever speed works best for you!
In October, we’ll head deeper into Your Relationship with Trust. Ooh, honey! This is gonna be good and I’m excited to explore this sticky and important place with y’all. Working out with these tools together is such a joy. THANK YOU for being so open to one another and to yourself.
Your Aligned Hustle Calendar for October will go up on the WELCOME page next week. Reminder: We have a fun Chart Harmony Discord server that you can join by clicking here if you’d like to discuss the woo of the day-to-day. Yay!
Love y’all!
I’d like to say that I took a vacation from social media altogether for the last half of last month, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. But I have to say that I already do a lot of what you’ve recommended — perhaps just by intuition or perhaps because I’m of a *bit* older generation and didn’t grow up with SM or even spend much of my LIFE with it, percentage-wise. So, I have never had notifications on, have always used a number password (never my face ID or thumb), I don’t participate in any of the so-called “games” where people want you to “list the favorite songs when you were X” or “what were you doing when Y” or whatever. I always had an inkling that putting too much info on SM was… ahem, giving too much away. Maybe part of it has to do with Mystique being part of my Fascinate advantage. Who knows? But I just have never been interested in over-sharing on any platform. So none of this is difficult for me. My participation is generally once or twice a day for a “drive-by” and then I’m done. And sometimes not even that.
What IS difficult is putting the gadget down when I dearly want to play games. I sometimes find myself mindlessly playing games for waaay too long. One thing that will stop me is that I play a game that times out (meaning once you’ve played to a certain level, you have to wait before you can continue). So… making the commitment this month to be MUCH more mindful of that and how much time I spend doing that (and WHEN I do it and WHY).
The other thing that has been weird of late is that my email program on my computer punked out last month (or maybe in June?) so I’m having to retrieve all my email on my phone. So I end up picking up and using my phone a LOT more than I’m used to just because I’m doing my business with it instead of from my computer. But I’ll get that figured out. Maybe not during Mercury Retrograde, though… ;-(
Mercury Retrograde is actually a perfect time for FIXING something that’s been wonky!! During retrogrades, we do RE words. So, repair, revisit, review, rewrite, restore, reset… all that stuff. đ So, dive in on it! Great timing!!
Meanwhile, YES I’m with you on the games… the GAAAAAAMES. Especially pandy-survival. I play games WAY more than I did before 2020. For sure. It’s my brain’s way of staying busy and active but also clocking out and not doing anything productive.
For me, I started with a “no screens Saturday” attempt a while back. Since Saturday is Saturn’s Day (and Saturn LOVES minimizing, reducing, chilling, decluttering, pruning, etc.), I chose that for a “no screens” day. It worked SO well and I got sooooooooooo much done! I was in the floor writing on whiteboards and moving through stacks of papers and getting SO much organized and structured (also Saturn stuff).
That night (I allowed myself to go into the games after sundown), I didn’t even WANT to go back into the games. I decided to wait ’til Sunday and of course when I started my day, I was right back at the rhythm I’ve become accustomed to. But that “no screens Saturday” was such an a-ha on so many levels. I still marvel at how much I got done. And I know I can continue to do exactly that level of non-screen stuff, whenever I want to.
I’m more mindful in choosing my tech time, now. And sometimes? I choose the HECK out of escaping through games. đ For hours. But I do it unapologetically. As there’s no benefit that comes from doing it and then beating myself up about it.
Love this convo!
I am stopping by today, Sept. 7th having not read or engaged with all of the above but I got to the part on feeling impulsively addicted to social media, people pleasing, and being an OBLIGER, of which I am all of. I did our exercise we discussed for the last 11 days of August, with varying levels of success/failure. During my therapy session last night, I mentioned I was feeling restless and that feelings contributes to the incessant grabbing of my little intimate device, and I blurted out with like one minute left in the session, “I think I want to try a day of no socials (no FB, no Twitter, no Instagram, no Reddit) and I need you to be my accountability partner.” She agreed, texted me a reminder of our agreement at 6:30am this morning, and I needed to stop by and tell you how it’s going. Remember last month when I said “I have a feeling this is going to be a lot harder than I think it will be?” Well, I was wrong. It is now almost 6:00pm, and I have not even absentmindedly picked up my phone and forgot I was doing this, not once! I am kind of amazed. I debated about whether to include our Aligned Advantage Discord, and whether or not that was “social media” in the way that felt originally problematic to me, and for what I intended the detox to be, and decided it wasn’t. It’s not even in my “Socials” folder on my iPhone home screen, it lives in my “Astro!” folder. And look at that, I’m leaving it at that without the need to explain any further. *pats her Obliger self on the back*
All this to say, WOWOWOWOW I thought this was going to be harder. It’s just one day, I know, but it’s been fairly easy breezy. It allowed me to be fully present, with appreciative tears rolling down my cheeks, to see President Obama and Michelle again, for the ceremony unveiling the Obamas’ White House portrait this afternoon. Normally I would have been splitting my focus between that and Facebook most likely. This feels good. I feel good. I feel …empowered. So far, this day has made clear just how much time being on Facebook sucks up out of my day. I already knew it, but it has made it sharper sort of knowing. I think I could do this again, and again. So I’m going to debrief on my next therapy session to see how I can integrate this more.
Ok, just wanted to share this with y’all, and now back to finishing up reading and soaking up the above material for this beautiful month of September, mah birthday season! đ
I. Love. This. Thank you, Kellye, for reporting in! Fab fab fab!! Imagine, if just this ONE portion of ONE day could feel so empowering and strengthening and focusing in alignment with your values, how much benefit you’re getting even if you do it JUST LIKE THIS, now and then. Just fabulous!
My therapist had me sit there as I really really really wanted to reach for my phone, my iPad, my ANYTHING that would allow me to go into the distraction of the screen and out of the discomfort of being in my mind/body space. During that “sit there” time, she encouraged me that I’m retraining my brain, right then. Just NOT reaching for the phone, the iPad, the mouse… that’s teaching the brain, “I’m safe. I don’t need to escape from anything.”
She uses a “3 C’s” method for getting through times like this. I’ll share:
Catch — catch the primal brain creating a need to reach for the addiction (whatever it is)
Congratulate — congratulate yourself for catching it before doing it; sit there with that good feeling
Carry on — continue the day, going into the next thing… NOT the phone (or whatever)
…I’ve had moderate levels of success with this. Often, my BRAT kicks in and says, “I can do what I want!!!” đ Ah, so damn sassy. I congratulate myself for catching HER here too. She was built for my survival, decades ago. She’s important. And giving her new things to do is part of my process with all of this (hence all the ART SUPPLIES).
Proud of you, Kellye!
BTW — using your therapist as an accountability buddy? That is PERFECT 7th House execution!! You’ve GOT this, babe!
I had a Bonnie-Connie moment yesterday I just have to share. Lol!
I was at an outdoor bridal shower, seated near the food table, when a breeze came by and took several napkins along with it. First reaction was to get up and get them, even though they had blown away from me and toward others. And then I heard Bonnie-Connie in my head: LEAVE IT!! I half-giggled to myself while enduring some intense guilt, but noticed no one else was making a move… and I didn’t move anyway. Someone from further down, en route to the food, eventually picked them up after what felt like eons (non-dramatically, it was probably 15 seconds), but I did the thing! And now, I share it with you to both celebrate a good first people-pleasing win, and to calm the voice that is still nattering and calling names. This people-pleasing is such a toughie.
This is the first thing I have read on this nice rainy Sunday and I have to tell you that it has made my whole day Steph. Brilliant. Thank you.
<3
I AM SO THRILLED ABOUT THIS!! Yayayayayayayayay!!! Well done, Stephanie! I love it! PROUD OF YOU.
I shared in my Instagram stories however long ago a tweet that I absolutely adore by a very experienced TV writer. She said, basically, “Female writers: Listen to me! There’s going to be a moment in your first writers rooms when someone says, ‘Is anyone taking this down?’ Whatever you do, DO NOT volunteer to be the notes person. Look around bewildered just like all the men in that room are doing. Let them HIRE a notes person. You are not there to take notes for the male writers in that room, no matter how new you are.”
Fucking love that, not just for the #CreatingTheHollywoodWeWant of it all but also that it is SO VERY FEMALE to be a people pleaser. SO VERY. We “tend and befriend” while males “hunt or gather”. It’s in our primal wiring. And when we (females) DON’T tend, we can easily be labeled a bitch. For doing exactly what the non-females are doing.
I notice that a LOT these days. It’s… amazing.
So glad you’re getting muscle-building experience with LEAVE IT!! Truly wonderful!
omg this is amazing bucking of bullshit embedded…tradition? Expectation? Wow. The visual I get from your recounting of the TV writer’s story is so ….visceral. I’m left with a lot to take in. Ooof.
For me, one of the keys into this work is realizing how deeply I was taught to treat others as I wish to be treated. In the right light, thatâs people-pleasing 101, and sets up an expectation that often wonât be met. Itâs a lie.
Random example: I leave the room and take your lunch plate with me so you donât have to clean up. But come dinner, there I am, cleaning up the plates again because you havenât reciprocated. Bingo bango, thereâs a deposit of resentment in the bank-o. Add in the whole Acts of Service thing, and weâre already in the deep-end. So.
Definitely part of the egg to crack for me, and something to re-assess. Thereâs nothing wrong with treating others well on principle, but the insidiousness of the people-pleasing virus really effs up this code.
Correct. Because so much of it permeates expectations, it’s pretty much a given that we’re going to be in a swirl of resentment and feeling pissed that we aren’t given the same consideration that we always give everyone else, when we “do unto others” and all that jazz.
“It’s safe NOT to offer to take someone’s lunch plate with me.” “I’m a good person EVEN THOUGH I don’t offer to take your plate.” And so on. Safe. Safe. Good. Good.
Lots of big unwiring with this one, for sure. Well-spotted!
Mala is even cuter! I wonât be able to make the zoom live, I celebrate youâll have it up and Iâll see it when I get home that evening, youâre always amazing.
Iâm not a huge people pleaser (Iâm a rebel) but I do love to please people. On the other hand, I can walk away and leave if Iâm not pleased, not easily but I do it when I deem it necessary. After reading EC on the 1st – on Friday as head of a task with a social group of women (40 members) I went through my usual stress filled monthly people-pleasing day, that bled into the weekend and Monday. On Tuesday I resigned, notified all involved, wrapped up all that I had done and on Wednesday at the monthly luncheon turned it all over to the president so she could give it to the next volunteer who steps up to do the job.
A great person did volunteer sheâs one of my favorites probably 15 years younger than me and she was wanting to be more involved. I wrote her a congrats note and sent her all the stuff I did every month for the last two years when I found out and I havenât heard back from her yet. Iâm madly hoping other women will still like me. Three of the ladies said they were really sorry Iâm not doing it anymore and are taking me to lunch this week to thank me. Of course, they are three of the sweetest ones. The bonus of doing the volunteer job was I know every personâs face and name now â that is a huge accomplishment for me. It is a huge relief, I canât say that big enough I have my life back. So glad I saw it was people pleasing and I had to get out.
I usually feel like an outsider in the group, just because no one is in show biz, I do belong in the group itâs just a learning curve but today Iâll be at home where Iâll be welcomed, Iâm ushering for the matinee âAlmost Maineâ it will be heaven to be in a cool darkened theatre all afternoon.
Mercury retrograde hit Friday and my TIVO went down Saturday afternoon they arenât open till tomorrow at 8am, I can hardly wait â talk about having to do without a screen â YIKES â of course I have all my streamers going but I missed my four loved, look forward to, Sunday morning shows â oh well. Iâm on social media very little and I donât play games â so the TIVO got me on that screen â the universe always seems to play a part in expanding a capacity.
My life is simplifying, things are changing â I feel it â I picked up my You In The Stars annual book which I do from time to time. Iâve read through it many times but I read a passage from Jupiter=Expansion that floored me I donât remember reading it before but it seems to answer my questions.
âYour work as a leader is its clearest by the age 71-72 Jupiter Return. By 83-84, your attention turns toward legacy⌠and curiosity about what your soul may wish to experience next.â
I donât know what my legacy will be I will have it in my family certainly but new legacy in the world I canât imagine what that might be. I am very curious as to what might be in store, my life is shrinking has shrunk this last year. Age 95-96 is fully celebrating my soulâs expansion so it looks like I have ten or twelve years to continue fully expanding. I hope it isnât all pretty much on my own though Iâm at peace with it. I love the connection with you Bonnie and our group and two other groups Iâm so grateful. I do hope for a walking partner â I love when I get a long phone call from a friend when Iâm walking the time goes so much faster. I do wake up to two hours of walking every day â some days that is all thatâs on the agenda â Iâm grateful. Some days I havenât gotten them all till 10pm with a final hike through the hallways of my building.
I love the lightness you’re feeling after releasing the volunteer position, Judy. How wonderful! Also, I’m so glad you’re in our world, that you are revisiting your You in the Stars book, and that you got your TiVo back online! ACK!! Life without TiVo is no joke!!!!!! We’ll miss you on the Zoom. I love you so much and I so enjoy your every adventure. Thank you for sharing them!
Judy, thank you for this deep share. One thing caught me and it may sound kind of small and odd, but the way you phrased, “the universe always seems to play a part in expanding a capacity” Expanding a capacity. I don’t know why this is striking me so strongly right now, but it is. It’s like a really focused way of addressing something, like zeroing in on one thing, expanding your capacity to deal/facilitate/accept it, etc., then moving on to the next thing. This group’s name has always made me think of expansiveness in one broad overarching ethereal way, but the way you just phrased that, it has showed me in a more practice vs. lofty theory way that we all have the ability to expand just about any “capacity.” Thanks for weirdly blowing my mind today Judy. <3
Thanks Kellye!!! I just love all you’ve been sharing, hugs.
LOVE how you’ve seen this, Kellye. Thank you for writing that out. It allows me to think of Judy’s share AND our work here this way too. Love it!
Ash Ambirge’s “Vivette” (formerly Middle Finger Project) newsletter today covered people-pleasing nicely, so I thought I’d share it with you all:
https://thevivette.love/posts/trusting-your-voice-working-while-traveling-and-the-web-designer-who-makes-500k-year
Ooooof. More tears. Thanks for sharing this with us. Sending this to my therapist right now so we can talk about it tonight in my session. So much feelings. lol
It’s pretty resonant, isn’t it. Hopefully those are good cathartic tears, Kellye. Sending a hug if it feels good. đ
It does feel good, and I thank you. â¤ď¸
Thank you for the share!
Um. She did NOT just write “dignity in tact” did she? O. M. G.
Yeeeeeeah, she did. (She actually also missed a possessive ‘s. But it’s retrograde, so I’m trying to let it go. Not typical Ash, from all the newsletters I’ve previously read, lol.) I actually had a… response… the other day to a copywriter on Youtube talking about “cachet”, but using “cachĂŠ” instead. Repeatedly. *eye twitch*
Dude. I attended (briefly. It was SO cringe I had to bail after 15 minutes) a Fascinate webinar recently and all the certified coaches (the program they were pitching) said the word archetypes “arch-types.” Two syllables. Like the word ARCH and the word TYPES.
Because all the ones who used the word mispronounced it, I decided that means Sally Hogshead must do so somewhere in the certification process and OMG I didn’t need more incentive than I already had to bail after 15 minutes once I realized that wasn’t just ONE person randomly getting the pronunciation wrong.
But yes, agreed on Ash in general. We go WAAAAAAAY back. Fun fact: When you hear Rachel Rodgers telling the dramatic story about the business deal that went sideways and the multi-million-dollar lawsuits she and her former partner filed against one another? That’s Ash. She used to tell the story using Ash’s name. But at some point in 2021, she started calling her Amanda or Andrea or some other non-Ash “A” name. She also adjusted some of the details that she had previously been very candid about (details that weren’t flattering to either of the women, frankly).
Anyway, not that that has anything to do with how long Ash and I have known one another (she case-studied me in one of her early publications), but it’s something I find fascinating and, well, that’s more fascinating than the Fascinate webinar I bailed on. đ Heh heh.
Ba dum tss.
I support bailing on the count of a rampant mispronunciation of “archetype”, especially when it’s a key word in the dang product. Lol. That makes me a bit twitchy. It’s why I bailed on the cachĂŠ/cachet video and haven’t gone back. That’s actually a newer boundary trick I learned from you, after your stories of not working with businesses who repeatedly misspell “y’all”. đ
(Yes, this sounds trivial and silly in some light, but I can actually spin this for good. Being able to say “not for me” and not having instant FOMO or guilt is a low-stakes way of doing some EC work. And it’s a lower-stakes way of me seeing and modulating when Judge Stephanie pops in.)
That is a fun fact, hm. I knew you knew Ash, but it’s interesting to see the spider silks. đ
That’s an upholder trick I learned from Gretchen Rubin and it’s been so helpful! We HAVE TO make rules for ourselves or else we’ll feel like everything is going to be on the final exam and make ourselves memorize Ev.Er.Y.thing. So, having rules like getting our inbox down to a number of messages ending in 5 or 0 = time to stop answering emails and go to bed is HOW we get to go to bed eventually.
Related:
Saved that a few years back and I think of it… often. đ
LMAO!! SO TRUE. So effing true. Because that upholder absolutely feels like the exam is imminent. đ
Adjacent to this meme (which is completely resonant), I had a teacher in high school that tried to break me of doing “the most” by challenging me to not complete the full project with all the “optional” pages; she framed it as self-care, told me to trust in my work, and insisted my work would be good enough and honored. And she slammed me with a barely passing grade on the project, citing that my work was… get this… UNFINISHED because I had only done exactly what she asked, and not done the “optional” pages. So yeah… one heck of a trust-breaker (and a huge negative reinforcement of teen-Steph’s perfectionism). Anyway. I laugh, but it hits home.
As promised to Laura re: using perfectionistic tendencies for self-care/partnering/love, here is the Natalie Miller podcast I was remembering, along with an excerpt of the transcript.
https://www.nataliekmiller.com/mindwitchery/60
ââŚI take my perfectionist tendencies, and I ask myself, âHow can I be kinder to me? How can my self-talk get even more loving? How can I integrate self-compassion into my everyday life?â
You see? Iâve taken the same tendency, because I love her. I love that part of me that wants things to be better, that wants things to be amazing. I have a radical self-love that doesnât want to exile the part that strives for excellence.
âŚ
And then, really, what Iâm doingâand this is a trickâis Iâm perfecting my perfectionism. [laugh] Iâm saying to my perfectionist, âYou know what? We can do better. We can choose to work on, we can choose to orient toward the things that we really want more of in the world, the things that are constructiveâand self-compassion is one of those.â
In the case of my body, if Iâm not going to orient toward upholding the impossibly high body standards of our dominant culture, then where do I orient the perfectionist tendencies? And for me, itâs toward body kindness. To me, itâs toward ease and rest. âOK, perfectionist, hereâs a project for you. How can we cultivate ample rest?â
âŚ
So, the perfectionistâs spell for excellence, really, itâs just treating yourself with excellence.â
Love this! Thank you Stephanie!
Great zoom today. So good to see everyone.
My people pleasing comes straight out of wanting to be liked and the sureness that if I put all my needs aside and take care of you, surely eventually you will do the same for me. Such BS. Iâm so happy to be on to myself and on the path of radical self pleasing.
I LOVED the discussion about the writers room and that awful moment when the question is asked, âIs someone getting this down?â And the uncomfortable pause until someone, usually me, says, âsure, Iâll do itâ Damn it all because it happened in my life a year ago – I was asked to be on a non profit board which I was excited about and agreed to do. A couple months in the secretary had to miss a meeting and in that freaking âpauseâ of âwho can take notes?â Of course I said âsureâ and the damn secretary never came back – so first I was a reluctant interim secretary And now I am the fâing Secretary. I have so much resentment about it. It takes me out of the conversations about the things I was excited to join the board for in the first place. Im too busy taking it all down. Omg. I am going to resign tomorrow. Thank you.
People pleasing BE GONE! Out I say!
Onward to TRUST!
How did the resigning go, Laura?!? I’m so proud of you and excited for you! Isn’t it an amazing a-ha moment when we see how we’ve gotten sucked into something we never even asked for because we let people pleasing come before the willingness to just SIT with the discomfort of NOT people pleasing? Woof. Such a biggie!
An interesting twist on Aaronâs mantra popped this morning during my EFT: Am I okay with being misunderstood by myself, too? I thought that was a really intriguing question…
As an example: for years, I would tag along to crowded malls and hate it, knowing every time I would feel like shit afterward. I never understood why, I only knew Iâd get wrung out, angry, snappy, whatever. I figured it was just frustration over not finding whatever I was looking for, not eating enough, just a bad day⌠But, Iâd judge myself for it hard, getting annoyed with and berating myself for being âsillyâ. It wasnât until much more recently that I came to understand that this reaction was specifically because of my empath nature. I was literally misunderstanding myself, my own system, and how it reacts to the energy of, say, a crowded mall, and then judging the crap out of myself for reacting âbadlyâ to something seemingly so benign. (Now I just avoid the mall on holidays and weekends. Ta da, no more empathic mall hangovers.)
So, I offer this up to yâall as I offer it up to myself: Am I also okay with misunderstanding myself? Can I also let myself off the hook for doing a thing (like leaving a crowded mall), even though I donât understand why I am being pulled to do the thing? Or intuiting the thing? Or feeling the thing? (This hooks also into âeverything you feel is correctâ.) Iâm going to play with it more, but I wanted to share it in case itâs also a curiosity for someone else. đ
I absolutely love this, Stephanie! “Am I okay with being misunderstood by myself, too?” So excited to give this a try!
Girl. Yes. Keith and I have a deal in our lives that we do NOT have to explain ourselves when we get a gut-hit that causes us to make a new decision suddenly. While there are times we will explain ourselves and talk through changes and shifts, we have this “free pass” thing that can overrule anything else. Because the gut, she knows. No explanation needed, even within ourselves. YES!
I’m adopting that rule, Bon. It’s far too often that I find myself in the loopy-loop of justifying, explaining, defining, Virgo-ing the thing to myself. I started typing that this’ll be a real doozy to adopt, but that’s probably not how I actually want to think about it. This’ll be… unmooring perhaps, but kinder to my gut-brain, being willing to misunderstand but still act.
Y’all. Y’all! Y’ALL!!!
Watch Land of the Giants: Titans of Tech (I’m midway through episode 1 — “Facebook: Move Fast and Break Things”) and I swear you will never again feel like you’re MISSING something when you take time off social media.
https://www.vicetv.com/en_us/show/land-of-the-giants-titans-of-tech
For REEEEEEAAALLLLLLLLL.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyt12p7EwRM
Good GOD. They just revealed that when they took the meeting at Facebook on whether or not to allow Trump’s hate speech in ads in 2015, one of the points made in a document called “What should we do about Trump?” was, “We would’ve created a platform for Hitler.”
I.
Mean.
A site called BlackMattersUS was used in FB ads by the Trump campaign to spread “text your vote” messages (vs. going and standing in line). And of course the number you’re texting isn’t how to vote. BTW, the site is based in Russia.
Thank you for sharing this, Bon! It was also eye opening to learn how Facebook has a staff to plan algorithms within the app.
YES!! Oh man, I love shows like this. So much good info.
“You know we canât control what others think about us, right?”
Wow, this hit home.
I’ve been working through some stuff that I think was in another Expansive Capacity, and it ties into this People Pleasing piece Bonnie posed to us.
In coming out of the pandemic cave and getting back to peopling, I’ve been experiencing a weird desire to “shred” myself, especially before and after any kind of peopling event like a film festival or party or going back to the office for my day job…
I suspect part of it is because of feeling different with my body thanks to menopause and over-eating, and looking back at patterns, I see that this happens any time I try to “fit in.”
I’ve been having a lot of self-judgement this year, really being too hard on myself, and Bonnie asked in one Expansive Capacity, “Whose voice is that?” And I realized, it’s my mother’s side of the family. SO much judgement about needing to be pretty, because I suspect that was the only way women had value.
Tracking this with my therapist, I realized when that “shredder” voice comes up, it’s a voice of fear. I didn’t try to please them when I was 11 and being told to wear makeup. I put on my hightop sneakers and REBELLED.
Yet here I am at 53, hearing those old voices, and experiencing fear myself because, “What if I’m not (good, pretty, whatever) enough?” And THAT’s the clue! When that question shows up, I realize I can acknowledge the fear and say, “I see you.” I see the countless women who struggled with the fear of being enough, and I can forgive them, and forgive myself for bringing up all that gunk, and I can look in the mirror and SEE ME and LOVE MY LUSHNESS RIGHT NOW.
Jennifer Coolidge at The Emmys was a great example of this for me. She joked about her fullness, and yet, why shouldn’t we celebrate our FULLNESS? How AMAZING to be FULL?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35m2-rNskEU
Gotta watch the Zoom playback, because I’m loving Aaron’s mantra of âIâm okay with being misunderstood.â And I love the reframe, Bon, of âWhat ELSE could I do to perceive myself as GOOD right now?â So much good stuff to think about!
Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and Bon, THANK YOU for creating this safe space! It’s so cool how these ideas simmer within us and coalesce.
I identify with every single piece of this. All of it. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us women born in a certain time feel. <3
(((((hug)))))
I love you so much Laura, and I love this share. Thank you.
I do the same thing, re: shredding before and after having to go out and be seen. I feel like such a fraud because I have such a slender face, which means people can see me all the time on Zoom and have no idea how much my body has changed. I agreed to meet with someone tomorrow a couple of days ago, and was honest about how I feel/felt great about saying YES to the meet-up at that time, but by Monday morning, I may/probably will feel awful about it, hate my body, hate my clothing options, and decide I want to hide inside rather than going outside and receiving a hug from someone I love.
Sure enough, tonight I’ve started having those horrible and mean messages piling on in my monkey mind, being really cruel to myself and making myself sick (so I can get out of it by being sick rather than because I’m ashamed of my body right now). I keep reminding myself that my opinion about my body size is not actually MY opinion. It’s a lifetime of media messages and personal reminders from everyone I’ve surrounded myself with that slimmer is better. That an ass the size of mine is to be terrified of having. That my value as a human is diminished because my waistline has expanded recently.
None of these are my opinion, because I’ve never withheld my love or respect or friendship or anything from someone because of such criteria. Yet I hold all of that judgment toward myself and withhold love and respect and friendship from myself.
So.
The FIRST thing I do when those thoughts and feelings and judgments and such start swirling around is remind myself that these are NOT my values being expressed. They are my *practiced* words that demonstrate assimilation with dominant culture. NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE.
That is helping, but it’s still very new. So, I’m both getting more practice with asking myself what MY opinions are about my shape right now *and* doing everything I can to provide myself lots of love and compassion while I deconstruct a lifetime of messaging that’s DESIGNED to make women specifically less powerful than we could be. DESIGNED to make us competitive with one another. DESIGNED to get us spending money (and energy and dream points) on unnecessary stuff, so we’ll end up feeling like a failure when the stuff doesn’t work AGAIN. DESIGNED to keep us obsessed and sick and unloving toward ourselves.
This is a lot of work, but it’s so important. For not just me. For all of us.
Bonnie, thank you so much for sharing this and for sharing your process.
Iâm very mindful of something you said long ago about change being incremental. If we can catch the oracticed thoughts and flip them, weâre already on our way!
Thinking of the old goddess statues who are lush and full and curvaceous, I am reminded of another thing you wrote, which is, What can we do to love ourselves exactly as we are right now?
If we accept and cherish our âfullnessâ right now, what else can we do?
Laura & Bonnie — THANK YOU & i hear you. ahhhh, menopause!
as i see my body & face change, the panic starts. i feel it & wonder “what do i do?” and yaaaaasssss, Laura, it comes from my judgemental mother, too.
and then, i heard an interview with Sophia Loren on TCM. she is perhaps one of the few women in our industry who did not opt for surgery. i think of what she looked like when she was younger… i mean holy moly! i can imagine folx tempted her to elongate her youth & “people please” in our industry.
she said this (i paraphrase): “why would i let anyone alter or cut off pieces of my skin? i love my skin! i like myself. i donât want anybody to take it away from me.”
so, i’ve been practicing telling myself “i love my skin; i like myself” before heading out to people or before appearing on camera. thus far, it’s helped me.
and hear this women–what i promise is when i’m nominated for an emmy, i’ll be a woman in that room with all of my original skin!
i cherish y’all – !
Connie, I can’t WAIT to applaud all the skin you’re in, shining brightly off that Emmy. <3
I keep threatening to create a B-School for Menopause and OMG wouldn’t “Original Skin” be the best name?
LOVE this, Connie. Love you.
ORIGINAL SKIN!
yaaaaaaas, bitches! do it, Bon!!
and thank you, Stephanie. i seriously cannot wait to strut my original skin!
YESSS!! Menopause and Thyroid issues all at the same time??!! I literally wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. What happened to me? Where did I go? I hardly recognized myself. And please don’t take any pictures of me. Ugh! When I finally, FINALLY, figured out what was going on (thank you hormone specialist) I was able to start feeling like myself again. But Western medicine doesn’t do us any favors — they really don’t understand.
Yesssssssssss.
Thank you for this vulnerable share. I love all of it. Especially the NOT MINE NOT MINE NOT MINE. I can already see myself screaming those words into the air next time I’m getting dressed to leave the house for people-ing. Will warn the wife beforehand tho. lmao
Yesssssssss.
I just want to thank you for this line of conversation Laura, Bon, Kellye, and Connie. Y’all are lighthouses.
I face some of my own voices here from a dance perspective (which I’ve mentioned to an extent, being “old” for a dancer), as well as from the perspective of having always played younger than my actual age. But the work I see you doing, and the wounds you are healing are helping to limit me from “catching” as much of that societal ailment as I age. And that means I pass even less on to those after me, like my sweet little niece (or the thousands of dancers I will teach in my lifetime). I know we talk about and understand that our work benefits others outside of our container here, but I just wanted to shine a celebratory light on it for a sec. <3
Thanks. Means a lot.
I was on with my main mind-body doctor yesterday and we talked about the “insult” that is commenting on someone’s age (specifically, how Meghan McCain called out Sherri Shepherd for something Sherri had said about their bond since “The View” days being non-existent. She called her out with a side of age-shaming, commenting that she (Meghan) was in high school when Sherri first hosted on “The View” — fun fact, that’s actually not true; their age is much closer than Meghan wants the world to think).
Why is it that COMMENTING ON YOUR AGE is a way of making fun of you? Why have we allowed the ONE THING that we all — AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL — will experience to become one of the most consistently-used slam against *especially* women?
I remember when I was pushing HARD against all the noise about actors trying to get their ages taken off IMDb. What a colossal waste of time/actor busy work issue, first of all. Secondly, it only CONFIRMS that aging is something we should hide, be afraid of, make sure never to be caught doing. Bad bad bad.
y’all,
another thought i had about this topic & often how i perceive my body/appearance that i realize works against me…
i harbor an attitude of âi should know betterâ â as in, i know better than to let myself look this way or even, i know better than to *feel* this way about how i look. i know better.
i said this to my therapist years ago and his response was, âhow freakinâ egomaniacal of me!â
while shocking, itâs true! itâs MY ego, which i think is what youâre continuing to point out to us, Bon, when you demonstrate that people pleasing is actually about serving ourselves & not the one we aim to please.
i took my “people please” reflex to a completely NEW LEVEL for myself today & i’m still feeling the effects of it.
i called a florist in Chapel Hill, NC to send flowers to one of my former professor’s who’s 100th birthday is tomorrow. i’m placing the order for delivery with a florist named Tressa and we get to the billing part of the order when i provide my name–Constance Zaytoun.
and she says, “where’s that name from?”
only in fucking north carolina (and one scary passport security dude in the Amsterdam airport) am i asked that question. i’m calling from NYC and i’m STILL asked this question.
so, i did a little cave, because i’m one of those “l’esprit de l’escalier” folx. (i think of the best response as i leave.) i answered that i’m from NC. and then added (the cave) that my grandparents are from Lebanon. she knew she stepped in it and tried to mend by saying “Constance” is a beautiful name.
i hung up and i was LITERALLY hot under the collar. all in my neck & throat. and finally i thought, this is FUCKED UP. i’m doing this to myself by the constant “people pleasing” of the monsters in my life, many of whom did this passive-aggressive dance of trying to ascertain my ethnicity. for what purpose, i certainly never knew. they didn’t tell me. they threaten me as an Other outside their narrow WHITE cultural purview. and plu-leeze, they ALWAYS do it with a veil of niceness, y’all.
but what do i have to fear from this woman? i actually thought, maybe i don’t rock the boat; afterall, my family lives in NC. i don’t want folx thinking of them negatively because of my actions.
seriously y’all, that’s what i was thinking!!
i overcame that monkey, called back, and cancelled the order.
of course Tressa asked why (Tressa, where the fuck is that name from?) and i paused–do i really want to confront? and i told her i didn’t appreciate her question about my name. she said something about sorry, she’s always interested in names, and maybe she needs to think about her language more.
maybe…
but for once i didn’t teach or help ease the discomfort.
she can go read a fucking book. i hear there’s a school nearby…
Thissssssssssssssssss!! OMG, Connie, I am so proud of you taking your power back from what could’ve just become one of those, “Oh, I’ll just do better next time,” things (about having that boundary WHEN asked rather than as you’re leaving), when we know it would’ve spiraled out in your brain as you replayed it and used it as Gloop food.
That you picked up that phone and not only cancelled but TOLD HER WHY is so good. She’ll maybe think twice next time. She’ll maybe examine her own agenda for asking. She’ll maybe tell the story to someone who’ll go, “Oh, thank God. Tressa needed to hear that. I’m glad this customer put her in her place,” even if that person won’t say so to Tressa.
Ripples on the lake, girl. Way to skip that rock!!
Bonnie, i gotta tell you, i’m pretty damn proud of myself, too. thank you so much!
i’ve been thinking about it—just like the “no line” you ask us to think about, i’m thinking on how i want to respond to this particular subversive racist question (which i guess will never go away) next time. i want to have it in my pocket. and i assure you, my response will not have a single note of “people pleasing” in it.
i don’t know what’s going on with me, but perhaps emboldened by my taking up some “non people-pleasing” space yesterday, i made some similar strides today with my agent. long story, but i finally recognized that i have a “nasty” habit of the loyal. i will stick by folx, especially if i like them, even when i know they’re not necessarily a good equation, for whatever reason. i think being loyal/true/authentic is a trait with which i identify. i like being that person. but therein lies that people-pleasing rub.
what, i’m gonna continue to serve my loyal ego & please someone (especially a business someone) when it’s not good for me? i don’t think so.
oh my goodness, we may have tapped on the flood gates here. i wonder what will happen if i stop with all of the damn loyal/kind pleasing i do!?!?
holy shit. watch out!
who wants to join me!?!?
love y’all – !!
CONNIE OMG!! Reading through all of the above I just gotta say..wowowowow. The action you took in support of yourself and *actively* not people pleasing in this particular exchange of business blows my mind. Kudos!! And the floodgates done been TAPPED. I for one, am joining you right now in the agent/no-line department, inspired by our EC work, and also the absolute killer Astro 4 Creatives sesh today on Neptune, after which I, perma-grinning and happy, floated over to my laptop, and without ANY mind-taffy/second guessing typed out the following to send out tomorrow (29th) to my agent/manager team (8 numerology, power day!):
Greetings Team,
After the last 2 and a half years we’ve all experienced, I’ve been going inward and doing some heavy soul searching and then listening to what comes back to me about where I want to be in this life and my career, and what lights me up and what doesn’t because life is too short to do anything else. All of the sudden, it feels impossible to force myself to embrace what doesn’t light me up, and in fact drains me. In light of this, I’d like to narrow my focus and goals for my career in the following ways:
1.) *To book a role that will get me into SAG/AFTRA on a streaming or network series or film.* This is my top priority now; I want to transition solely to tv/film and I have been using my submission reports (thank you for sending those!) to target the CDs who I’m being submitted to who need to get to know me and my work/talent and take classes with them. I’ve had more auditions (and callbacks and avail checks) this year than ever before, so I know I’m very close and it’s only a matter of time. I am also in ongoing craft classes with various teachers, most recently w/Richard Kline, to stay sharp at my craft as well.
2.) Following that, *to only be submitted for union commercial auditions*, as the non-union ones are sucking my soul dry, and the bodily reaction I am getting to the hoops you have to jump through, the low pay, and the sometimes ridiculous filming aspects, are shouting loud and clear that this is just not something I’m interested in doing anymore. (I’m not entirely sure how this works so if I’m missing something about submissions commercially please let me know).Â
It’s been a really rough couple of years for us all, and I want to thank you for being so supportive, and for being in my corner and helping me facilitate a real career in this sometimes crazy business. We’re all in this together and I’m super grateful for all you do and have done to guide me.Â
Please let me know if you need further info or have any questions for me. Onward to meaningful success and fulfillment for us all, together. Â
Cheers,
Kellye Rowland
^^This email felt so effortless, so without hand-wringing or angst of any kind, it makes me KNOW it’s right. And that knowing? Is cuz of Bon, A4C today, and y’all. Onward to what aligns!! So grateful for Bon and everyone here!! We kick ass! So long story short Con, I’m joinin’ ya!! đ
Yayayayayayayayayayayayay!!!!!!! OMG! Kellye, YES!!! YES YES YES!!!
Aaaaaand I no longer have agents, commercially or theatrically lol:
“Hi Kellye,
Thanks for your email. I was going to email you tomorrow at the end of the month, and was actually going to suggest that we end our professional relationship. Iâve truly enjoyed working together, however I think itâs the best decision.
I could sense your lack of interest in non-union commercials, which donât get me wrong, is totally understandable. However I donât think submitting you for better opportunities is the solution, given that we havenât had much booking success even with the opportunities weâve procured thus far.
We discussed it as a full team, and weâre going to end representation across the board at this time. I hope you can understand our POV.
Again, itâs been a pleasure to represent you, and we truly wish you all the best with your career.
Take care.”
Ahhhhahahaha why do I feel so ok. Guess I’ll go sit in the discomfort of not knowing what comes next. But I feel…free. Free to be more intentional with who I partner with next in my career. Freedom. Intentionality. Alignment. Oooof.
Yessssssss… because the people-pleasing that would’ve been required to KEEP them interested in you would’ve NOT AT ALL aligned with where you are going.
I love when someone shows me their lack mentality by believing there’s no way you could book BETTER opportunities and the proof of that is that you’re not booking WORSE opportunities. It’s so backwards. Totally different buyers. And the lower-tier buyers can feel you don’t want to be there. The higher-tier buyers are CRAVING you. You need an agent who wants to — who is thrilled to — get you in front of those buyers.
(BTW, you probably already know that they absolutely had not had a meeting about you, were not going to be dropping you, and only wrote this reply to you to make it seem like you were already on the way out. You weren’t. That’s just spin.)
“I love when someone shows me their lack mentality by believing thereâs no way you could book BETTER opportunities and the proof of that is that youâre not booking WORSE opportunities. Itâs so backwards.”
Dude RIGHT?!? I actually cannot believe how *good* I feel right now. I actually feel like I can *feel* something has shifted. Like in my body. The way I look when I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes look clearer, like weird shit!! This stuff is real. THANK YOU for being the biggest baddest promoter of enough-ness and power I have ever met. So grateful for this learning I’m doing with you and everyone here. I just “lost” both my commercial and theatrical agents and I FEEL AMAZING. lol
Kellye!
you are a fucking badass! seriously. badass! there’s someone out there so much damn better to collaborate with you & move your career to the next tier. and the fact that you feel amazing (not panicked or less than) is the proof.
also, i agree with Bonnie. Bonnie said it beautifully & with diplomacy describing their spin & “lack mentality.” i’ll be crass… those agents are ASSHOLES (or they’re in junior high). really, they have to save their own skin with a wildly FALSE claim like that!? it makes me so damn angry, especially if they had said that to someone without your fortitude.
and i’m gonna say if they truly believe what they wrote, not only are they assholes, they’re idiots, too, who don’t understand the business. all i can think is “yay, Kellye ran away. yay!!”
run, Kellye, run! you’re better than these idiots (so glad you broke up) and you & your body KNOW it.
love you, you freakin’ badass! you’re an inspiration!
I love youuuuuuuu <3
LOVE THIS!!! EVERY FREAKIN’ WORD!!
And, of course, I meant your email, not theirs. BUT, that said, I went without representation many times throughout my acting career and I have to say it always felt better to be without than to be with someone, anyone, who wasn’t submitting me for the parts that felt right.
YOU GOT THIS!!
Thanks Kathi! I feel…so oddly wonderful right now.
Seriously. This feels big. What a Mars transit you are having, m’love!!
As for the question… there’s always the, “Hmm… y’know? I’m not sure!”
Because who says you KNOW about your heritage? What if it’s your spouse’s name? A stage name you just liked? What if you were adopted and it has nothing to do with your bloodline?
These are strangers, usually. They’re curious people and they don’t realize they’re crossing a line because no one has ever likely said, “Hey. That’s actually none of your business.” And certainly, you could say that too, or something cheeky like, “I only talk about my heritage after the third date,” etc., but what if you just DON’T KNOW?!?
How does that feel?
You can be authentic and loyal and wonderful and even fun and funny and adorable and loved without EVER disclosing something that’s no one’s business. You get to choose that!
I’m so proud of you! This breakthrough with the agents… this is going to be very good for you. What IF you never again people-please?!? Unless the people is YOU.
Bonnie I love the way you see things so clearly and in a few words give a life-saving view. Connie I love your happiness showing through.
Joy – youâre joy is showing!
Thanks, Judy. Love you.
thank you, Judy! i feel it, too!!
oh… so this is what Mars can do for me??! not such a bad guy after all…!
my baby woo brain still doesn’t hold onto all of the particulars of this transit, but hey! if it helps empower me & drop my people-pleasing habit, this is INCREDIBLE!
thank you for the more diplomatic suggestions re: my response. my initial thought was more, “why do you ask?” which i know will come off angry or “that’s an interesting question… where’s your name from?” which might be more snarky.
maybe i add your “i don’t know” in the middle of that last one.
i really like your heritage/3rd date line, too!
most importantly you’re on it re: my response given my “brand” — some combo of funny and authentic — which is why i’m playing this out with y’all now so it’s not just my knee-jerk i-want-to-hit-you-in-the-throat response. originally your suggestions felt like i was letting them off the hook too much; they won’t get it. and how is it possible i don’t know the origins of my name. but then i thought, “oh! there she is again. my ego. she wants to teach/help” & that’s not my JOB.
i like cultivating branded language with y’all. so amazing!
and what if i never again people please!? i had a similar discussion with Dana a few weeks ago. ahhhh, that doing it FOR ME pushes all of those “bon-bon eating/you’re selfish” gloop buttons. meaning, haven’t i always done it for me?! it’s wild to tease out the ego part in my people-pleasing habit, which is self-reflexive really. my goodness, y’all, what a lightbulb!
thank you for such a great month! maybe i’m digging this mars love?!