Hello beautiful people. It’s time to dive in on our topic for November!
This month is all about Your Relationship with the Rules.
Before we dig in on this topic, let me make sure we’re clear on terminology — at least for the purposes of this month’s deep dive, here.
You’ll see me use the word rules. That just means “rules,” the word as we’ve known it, always. You’ll also see me use the phrase “the rules,” and that’s going to mean, generally, something outside our control. To be sure it’s clear when I’ve switched from talking about “rules” into talking about “the rules,” I’ll sometimes use my good ol’ caps-lock to show you THE RULES in a nice, big, yelling style of type. š
Throughout this month, we’re going to get clear on rules, THE RULES, and *our* rules… which are something we can — and will — joyfully create for ourselves as we build the muscle for sovereignty around how we move through the world.
Cool?
Cool.
Before We Decide Rules Are a Bad Thing…
It’s through last month’s exploration of Your Relationship with Attachment that we landed here. We teased out the ways our early conditioning for connection set us up for a lifetime of interpreting the messages we get from everyone else we encounter, deciding whether we are safe or not, always looking through the lens of the attachment style we developed based off our earliest experiences with our primary caregiver(s).
So much of what we believe are rules are actually just preferences we’ve practiced over and over, beliefs we’ve put on loop, things for which we’ve been praised for doing a certain way (and punished for doing another way), and as we’ve entered into a larger society than the one in which our earliest rules were created and reinforced, we’ve continued to find reinforcement for rules we believe are THE RULES. And sure enough, we find that even when we think we’re not looking for it.
See: perceptual sets.
We create a world around us that reinforces our belief that whatever rules we grew up being taught were THE RULES are in fact THE RULES.
This month — without making anyone wrong — we’re going to begin to ask how many of THE RULES we live by are actually rules we’d like to claim as our own.
Remembering that rules help us shape our world, that rules are important to the understanding of what is real and what is to be expected (things the brain relies on, heavily, for survival), and that we are actually RE-learning the shape of the world EVERY minute of every day, we’re going to spend this month’s deep dive doing some intentional choosing around what our reality is made up of, and hopefully transform and release things we thought were THE RULES but come to find out are no more than someone else’s opinions.
Rules We’re Born With
There are only two instincts we come prewired with, as infants: “Feed me,” and, “Don’t drop me.” Everything else is learned. Conditioned. Reinforced. Turned into a rule that we choose to continue believing in so much that it becomes our reality.
Sure, of course, there are things like gravity, polarity, relativity, attraction, cause and effect, and the perpetual transmutation of energy. These are the Laws of Nature — factual truths, not logical ones — that are true for every time and every place in the universe (not just on Earth, y’all).
Beyond the instincts we’re born with and the laws that govern our existence, here as humans in this time-space continuum’s present form, we have a whole bunch o’ rules we buy into, agree to adhere to, even pass on to our families without questioning ’em.
And, as we all know from our previous work in Expansive Capacity, anything more than 10% different from what our brain believes is true is dismissed outright as an impossibility. It’s simply REJECTED.
I’m taking the time to remind you of this because one of the reactions to discovering we’ve been following a rule as if it is required of us — as if it’s part of THE RULES and we have no choice — is to flip a table, rebel grandly, and swing all the way over to the opposite side of the spectrum.
Please note: That retiring of the low-grade anxiety that has fueled my life for as long as I can remember? That involves getting the pendulum to swing LESS WIDE. In everything.
So have the reaction that you want to have, of course, but then come back to center and ask yourself what you can do that may be different from that rule you thought was a part of THE RULES without breaking your brain and setting you up for a long visit to fight-or-flight response.
Let’s Gamify This Shit
I want you to start paying attention to your behavior this month — specifically with an eye toward THE RULES you are following when you do the things you do.
You could start a daily list in your journal. You could create a BINGO board and fill it up. You could set up some empty jars and use smooth stones or origami stars or simple slips of paper you write on, each representing the classifications I’m gonna ask you to make this month.
The HOW of this is not important. But I really do want you to try this, at least for a few days. Once you’re spotting patterns and getting curious about making some gentle shifts to experiment with Your Relationship with THE RULES, you may not need to track as much. Up to you. But here’s what I want you tracking as we start the month.
~ Is this something I’m doing because I’m following a rule?
~ Where did this rule come from? Whose is it? Can I place the first time I remember learning it?
~ Is this a rule I received praise for following or punishment for breaking? Was questioning this rule allowed?
~ How important does it feel RIGHT NOW to follow this rule?
~ Could I put this rule on hiatus while I examine its role in my life going forward?
So, to play that out in an example, here’s me, going into the kitchen. (These are always fun examples, since I don’t *do* kitchen all that much and since we all at some point use this room, I hope my examples are both humorous and relatable.) I pick up a Granny Smith apple and immediately start twisting its stem, saying with each twist, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G…” and so on if it’s a well-rooted stem. You get the picture. The stem eventually gives way and pops out of the apple, and I make note of what letter I was on. As I toss the stem into the trash, I try to think of a boy whose name begins with that letter.
Okay. So for those who aren’t familiar with this childhood game, it’s a “your apple’s stem is a fortune-telling device” thing. The letter you’re on when the stem breaks free of the apple is the first letter of the first name of the boy you will marry.
So, let’s apply the tracking questions I provided above.
“Is this apple-stem-twisting-while-reciting-the-alphabet thing something I’m doing because I’m following a rule?”
Yes. It is a rule that with every stem-intact-apple, I am being given an opportunity to learn my fate, so I’d better respect that I have this chance and do the twisting!
Okay. But really. This is a rule? Yep. It *feels* more like, “This is just what you DO. And OF COURSE I know I’m already married to my boy, so there’s no consequence to doing this silly thing.” But the truth of it is, this whole dismissing thing is exactly how the bigger-deal rules we follow get ignored as potential areas for growth, as we’re attempting to create change that allows us to be the versions of ourselves we most love being.
So this work is already helping with those bigger-deal rules. Let’s continue.
“Where did this rule come from? Whose is it? Can I place the first time I remember learning it?”
For sure, it would’ve been in grade school and probably at break time, as a group of us gathered around the record player to listen to Michael Jackson’s “Off the Wall” and Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” while sipping our juice or milk from a tiny straw in a tiny carton and snacking on whatever we brought for this exact moment.
As we moved our bodies and leaned in to try and decipher all the words and laughed and giggled and talked and all the fun things that we would do on break for these few minutes, I’m certain I saw someone do this ritual — or I started to bite from an apple without doing it and was told about it — and it was repeated as frequently as those vinyl records were played (that’d be every damn day of the first part of that school year, for sure).
So, let’s say this is a rule from 1979, Hapeville, Georgia. And there would always be lots of giggling if the boy whose name started with the letter my apple stem broke during was in fact a boy I had a crush on!
“Is this a rule I received praise for following or punishment for breaking? Was questioning this rule allowed?”
Nah. Probably nudging and reminding rather than praise or punishment. Giggling and other stuff that comes when we’re still in our single-digit ages and thinking about “marrying” anyone. I probably never would have felt the need to question it, not because that wasn’t allowed but because this was clearly a *very* cool fortune-telling opportunity and why would I question the fates as told by the fruits?!?
“How important does it feel RIGHT NOW to follow this rule?”
Important isn’t the right word. It just feels like “this is what you do” and, of course, that’s how this stuff gets missed, but when we DO use a tiny rule like this to deconstruct the way the brain works, we get this critical thinking and curiosity past the doorman up there… and NOW we can dig in on the whole change-greater-than-10%-different-breaks-the-brain setting. Neat!
So, since I like stretching my brain and growing in ways that are unexpected… since I enjoy challenging my setpoints — especially with things like this that do not matter AT ALL in the big scheme of things — let me check with my body, right here in the kitchen, to see how it feels to consider NOT following THE RULES.
Ooh. I actually feel uneasy. Like, there’s a level of anxiety around NOT doing this ritual.
Okay, so hold up. Let’s sit with this for a sec and tease out some of what’s going on.
I’m so practiced at doing this — we’re talking 42 years of experience, *every* time I grab an apple that’s got a stem — that maybe the anxiety around not doing it is not about following or not following THE RULES and just more about habituation and doing something differently. It’s like brushing my teeth with my toothbrush in my non-dominant hand. It’s like forcing myself to drive home a different route. Like NOT going on social for a few days rather than visiting Instagram multiple times in a single day.
It’s just uncomfortable because of inertia. Not because there’s a consequence to not following one of THE RULES.
(And if at this point I wasn’t sure about that last bit, I could play out, “What happens if I don’t follow THE RULES around this right now?” and map out whether the world ends or if I end up never getting married or somehow create chaos in the fabric of the universe. Or even if I would get nudged by anyone about doing it, with music and giggles all around me, like when I first learned this ritual so long ago. Nope. Zero consequences other than the anxiety of “IT FEELS WEIRD NOT TO DO THIS THING I ALWAYS DO” right now.)
Great. So, the last question:
“Could I put this rule on hiatus while I examine its role in my life going forward?”
Yup!
And, I may never even have to think about it beyond these few moments in the kitchen. Because what I’ve done is create a pattern-interrupt in my brain, causing neurotags to get less firmly grouped. Essentially, I’ve created a, “Hey, what was THAT?!?” reaction at a very important place in my brain, and because of that, I’m less likely to feel my undiagnosable mystery pain, I’m more likely to get curious about higher-stakes things that feel confining in my life, I’m feeling less low-grade anxiety in the day-to-day, and I’m primed for more creative thinking in all sorts of situations.
This leads me to a happier resting setpoint, makes my brain less prone to symptoms of dementia in the future, and provides me with an on-ramp to doing this work with the stickier things.
Like… why do I even have Granny Smith apples?
Granny Smith apples were Charlsie’s apples. Bonnie’s were always Red Delicious. Granny Smiths were too “sharp” at my jaw. The tingle was always too tangy for me. But my mother LOVED THEM. For some reason, after she died, I began gravitating toward Granny Smith apples. Do they make me feel closer to her? Do our tastes change as we age in ways that make the sharpness I once avoided feel like fun in my mouth now? Did I always like them but need something different for all the reasons daughters feel the need to be different from their mothers in so many ways, growing up?
And THIS is how we get to doing this month’s homework on stickier stuff.
See how that works?
No judgment. Just curiosity and listening to the body for its subtle messages about how all of this feels.
Yes, this is suuuuuuper micro, potentially, but the idea is to get you starting with basic things that are low-impact in your life, so your doorman is disarmed enough to let the work happen. The consequence of the work, of course, is that the doorman is off his game when we’re ready to do the questioning about way more important rules we believe are THE RULES.
A Consideration About Breaking Rules
I’ll pause here to remind you that we’re always navigating the micro wants with the macro wants, in life. I want a cookie. Great. I also want to get back to my pre-quarantinetimes figure. If EVERY time I want a cookie I have one (serving the micro), there is no achieving the macro. And since the macro is important to me, I have to negotiate balance between the two wants. Zoom in, zoom out.
Remember the convo we had last month — during the Zoom both out loud and in the chat — about how SLEEP at whatever damn time your mind-body asks for it creates feelings of LAZY not so much because *you* believe that label is true about you, but because there are beliefs out there — not even necessarily yours — that have become THE RULES and unless you’re doing work like this, you’re possibly allowing them to bully you into a life you don’t even want!
Don’t charge right in on how you’d like to overturn your biggest bullies with this work, y’all. Baby steps. Do the teeny, inconsequential inventory and questions like I’ve outlined above so we disarm that doorman for LATER work that allows you to examine how you feel about sleep at whatever hours or intuitive eating or choosing to be childless or listening to your gut and letting it lead you to your decisions rather than relying on “shoulds” and such.
When we’re practiced at outsourcing decision-making about our needs, we no longer know how to listen to the mind-body when it communicates with us. We don’t recognize its signals. This is why we’ll get sick or experience mystery pain as a way of forcing change. So, just like with intuitive eating — where at first the body WILL put on weight because it’s never really experienced a mind-body *allowing* wants to be provided — over time, as we rebuild TRUST with ourselves and all this subtle communication, things will level out and we will learn we don’t sleep all day just because we allow ourselves a nap at 2pm. And that we won’t gorge on all the junk food just because we allow ourselves a treat the body is aligned with receiving.
We are sooooooo practiced at ignoring our subtle mind-body signals that we may not be living a life that has anything to do with OUR rules. This month’s work is going to allow us to get curious about where we’re living according to THE RULES instead of our rules… and then to ask whether we could see some of THE RULES as just “rules” — and not even ours — which lowers the stakes on whether we follow them at all.
If — like me — you’ve been a good soldier to dominant culture and it feels unsettling to make your own rules about how to live, just remember that’s why we’re starting with the twisting of an apple stem. No one is going to spin out if I stop doing that ritual. But sitting with the FEELINGS I have around *not* doing that ritual is the work. Those extra few moments are a part of retraining my brain around far more consequential rules I follow without even thinking about ’em.
And that allows me to build up the muscle for asking whether I believe gender norms are important, if certain medical screenings are worth doing, if couples must enjoy all the same activities, whether home ownership is the ultimate sign of success, whether I am *actually* experiencing physical pain, or how many hours a month must be spent “working” in order to run a healthy business.
Be curious. Start small. Get excited about what you discover.
About Your Tendency
If you’re rusty on The 4 Tendencies, hit the orientation day in which we cover all that goodness.
Here’s where Upholders get screwed, BTW. I know there’s a lot of coveting Upholder status out there. “Oh, my life would be so much easier if I could be an Upholder! I’d just say I’m going to do something and then do it. No people-pleasing. No rebelling. No infinite questioning of all the reasons why. Just say I’m gonna do it and then do it.”
Yeah. About that.
Upholders do this thing where we create a rule about a thing in order to get ourselves to do it… and we elevate that rule to THE RULES-level status… and over time we may notice we’re still living out a commitment we made to no one back in the 4th grade.
So, we’re all gonna lean into our inner QUESTIONER this month with all the work I’ve outlined above. All of us. This is not to be obnoxious or disrespectful or accusatory in any way. This is simply to be curious about how we got here.
And then purposeful about where we’d like to go next, armed with this awareness.
Practice Questioning Rules
How many questions can you come up with around these rules shared by Ruben Chavez?
About Dominant Culture
I suspect this could be a strong-emotions month, as we begin to peel back the layers on how many rules we’ve been following that are designed to serve dominant culture almost exclusively. One of my favorite shows is Adam Ruins Everything. I can’t watch it when Keith is up and around because it pisses him off too much. But I love it. It debunks *so* much of what we believe is true, when it comes to THE RULES.
~ episodes on TruTV’s website
~ mashup of Adam’s best ruins
~ Adam’s most controversial ruins
(BTW, I’m totally adding to the Get in Gear for the Next Tier day on the FYC process, screeners, awards, etc., this bit of brilliance. Check out those billboards!)
Did you know that the American education system is meant to build good worker bees? Of course you know this. Let’s get specific about what it was designed to do, here. More specifically, what it was designed NOT to do.
From “A Nation of Workers: How Public Education is Dummying Down Our Labor Force” in Jetset Magazine:
In 1902, John D. Rockefeller created the General Education Board at the ultimate cost of $129 million. The GEB provided major funding for schools across the nation and was very influential in shaping the current school system. As Rockefeller put it, “I don’t want a nation of thinkers; I want a nation of workers.” Even more compelling are the words of Frederick T. Gates, business advisor to Rockefeller: “We shall not try to make these people or any of their children into philosophers or men of learning or of science. We are not to raise up among them authors, orators, poets, or men of letters. We shall not search for great artists, painters, musicians….”
As you are questioning THE RULES you follow this month, ask yourself who benefits from them. If the answer isn’t YOU, consider creating a different rule for yourself.
Here are someone’s favorite rules:
When You’re Hard on Yourself
I chose “when” instead of “if” on this header because I know this work can lead to judgment and, well, let’s just say this reminder is here for me too. š
The more we do what the mind-body is asking us to do, the more our whole nervous system can provide us, in terms of chemical support to be our most expansive selves. The trust in this, though, will take time. Allow that.
Remember the micro want and the macro want. Ask: “What feels good to me?” to check the micro (Oreos at bedtime) against the macro (peak dental health) and know long-term TRUST helps regulate any early “HELL YES, falling asleep with Oreos in my mouth is what I want” choices. While you feel you may go full sloth when you give yourself a midday nap, know that over time, you’ll get on a schedule that is both nourishing and productive. TRUST!
If something feels super sticky, consider waiting to tackle it. Know there is *always* a benefit to behavior we keep around, even after we’ve decided it’s not serving us or not following a rule that is our own. There are times I’ll twist the stem of an apple because the anxiety of NOT twisting it is something I can’t seem to settle down. At that moment, I know I’m doing the thing not because I’m following a rule that isn’t my own… I’m choosing not to feel the discomfort of growth right that second.
That’s okay! We can’t be growing ALL THE TIME. Pace yourself. This is impactful work. We wanna keep it fun so we can do more of it!
Here’s a long-ass mantra I’ve been using. Feel free to adapt it to your needs: “Expansive me is a rebellion against everything in the primal brain I’ve trained AND in the dominant culture I’ve been a good soldier to… and yet, expansive me is my spirit-soul’s mission. I am ready to embody this mission, fully. I am ready to feel the contrast and keep going. Keep growing.”
Excited for this work, y’all! Share below and let’s support one another as we make this fun!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
Scorpio is all about transformation, so take advantage of this catalyzing energy! Neptune has some really creative things happening for us — so write, create, build the damn thing you’ve been dreaming of. Join me for my Astrology Vision Board Party on the 27th (I’ll post the enrollment link here as soon as I have it).
Specific to this month, I’ll ask you to make a note to buffer yourself — double down on the self-care and boundaries — especially on the 4th, 10th, 13th, 17th, and 19th. Check in with your wholeness, regularly. Hug yourself. I love you!
So much love flowing your way,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Friday, November 19th, at 12pm PST. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email from Zoom with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. š
If somehow you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Here is the replay of our November 19, 2021 deep dive. Enjoy!
The always vibrant chat is here. Y’all so rock with the “yes, and…” of it all!
As we finish up our deep-dive on Your Relationship with the Rules, here are some prompts for you to consider.
~ Are you an abstainer or a moderator? Is it situational for you? Do you judge the other one, as Gretchen Rubin (of The Four Tendencies fame) says we all do? Can you be curious about these setpoints?
~ Can you see rules as on a continuum rather than on a binary? Instead of following a rule or breaking a rule, can there be a “more ruley” and “less ruley” kind of framework to try? What does it do to your sense of safety about what rules even ARE to consider coming at rules NOT on a binary?
~ Willful Blindness by Margaret Heffernan is a fascinating read about the efficiencies the human brain will turn into ACTUAL blindness (as well as metaphorical blindness). Our brains are not WRONG for doing this; it’s how we’re able to tune OUT the bajilliondy pieces of data hurled at our brains every second rather than treating each piece of data as essential. BUT… when we’re able to pattern-interrupt a little of the habituated efficiencies, we can really experience some high-impact growth in our lives.
Here’s the graphic summary of attachment styles I promised:
As always, I’m here to support you as you work out in the comments below. You are such rockstars and as I reflect on our meetings together, I am so moved by your willingness to show up for yourselves like this. My coach has a thing she loves to say: “I love all Bonnies, but this one is a favorite!” and when I’m really snagged on something, she’ll say: “I love all Bonnies, and this one needs a big hug.”
I love that we hug ourselves as a part of our work together, and that that’s always been a part of this work. Expansive Capacity was officially opened for enrollment 3 years ago this month. I am so fucking proud of what we’ve done and what we’ve still got stretched out ahead of us. This is soul work you’re doing. I love you. All of you.
Iāve been toying with the idea of rules Iāve generated in my every day life, and itās all feeling pretty meta and kaleidoscopicā¦ I feel like as an upholder, there are just so many rules in place, thereās no way Iāll ever see them to identify them all. (I know itās not a PokĆ©mon game, I donāt need to catch āem all, lol.) Might be a little self-preservation at work here too, so I donāt start flipping tables.
So, I just went with the first rule that came to mind last week- the order I wash in the shower. I ran through the framework: Probably originating some time in high school, this order of operations allowed me to disconnect and stay half-asleep that much longer (not a morning person, and dance class at 8:30am doesnāt exactly jibe). It was never a commitment to anyone, but this rule still serves me, since it means one less thing to think about and one more piece of certainty.
Lo and behold, the first time I asked myself whether we could suspend this, I got a ājeepers, noā. Logically I know this wouldnāt cause chaos, but like your (yes, humorous and relatable) apple twisting Bon, itās a little seed of yipes for changing the rules. I didnāt push because I was dealing with a lot of other activating things that day. Iāve since played with switching up the order twice, and both times got a little pang of opening that door. Didnāt die, it wasnāt major. But, I did find it surprising there was discomfort there for something so dang innocuous.
One of the other big rules I’m pulled to consider is clock time. Though the physical clock changed, my body is still on “summer time”. It’s actually serving my schedule anyway to not force myself to fall back (which in itself is a questionable rule… “early to bed, early to rise”?). But, what happens if I ignore what society says, and eat dinner when I’m hungry? So far, nothing. I’m out of whack with my family’s time, but whatever… that was already a thing (we talked about this last month- not sleeping/working at the same times). I hear a little call to the woo here too; the Sun rules my chart, so why not let it in a little more? It already determines Circadian rhythm, and it was a natural clock for thousands of years before humans regimented time…
Anyway, onward through this month’s work. Gently. Because I KNOW this could turn minefield-y. š
Ah the rules, I love rules, Iām a rebel and rules let me know when I can be a rebel which I mostly love being. As soon as I heard this month would be on rules I relaxed into it. I do change rules I love a couple of my new ones that I picked up from EC a few months ago.
Iām still hung up from last month, PETERāS note on co-dependentancy really hit home for me – Iāve never thought of it for myself because I thought it meant one person but I see it could be I love attaching to people to help me – I want that partnership, Iām getting more okay about being without a mate. So Iām still mulling that over and TIMELESSNESS Iām sensing I can reach a new, looser understanding. Iāve been trying some of my pre pandemic rules, I like them maybe that will feel more normal. I love working with my brain on these things, I want the growth.
So funny Iām going to see if I can twist the stem off my apple. I love the stem being there I love to feel it while Iām eating it and throw it away with the stem. I like yours better much more fun. Big hugs!
I forgot to say Iām thinking about āmy primary care giverā Iām having wonderful new thoughts. Somehow Iāve thought the most important person was my dad, who I didnāt like much and he certainly didnāt care for me, was the most important but itās not, its my mom. I mistakenly never counted her for much and now I see I get to live out a peaceful life like she did. I always say my goal is to be sweet like she was – she was Texas sweet – Iām not, Iām too tough. I do want to have the trust in life that she did, I guess it was her trust in God, she didnāt talk about bad things.
The other thing is when I re-read the rules lesson yesterday I clicked through on something and ended up on the hour chat with you and Denise/money wow – I loved it all but the message I needed for some aggravations that are going on was in the last thoughts about forgiveness is decluttering – wow forgiveness is decluttering – Iām taking action. I might come to a rule with that.
Iām good at making a rule and keeping it so Iām very careful of new rules and will try them out before committing. When I started losing strength in my hands I knew every day I had to do a ādown dogā so I committed to doing it everyday when I get up – if I forgot it the penalty was I had to drop wherever I was and do it. When I started I forgot too many times, it wasnāt too bad Frank was my walking partner on the beach and it was okay to stop on the path or Main Street but I had to keep the rule. My most embarrassing time I was visiting Joan Darling in Maine snow was on the ground and we were going for a walk – eek – I try to be cool in front of her and it killed me but Iād forgotten because of traveling etc. – I said Joan Iāve got to do something so hands on the cold dirt street I had to stick my butt up in her face it felt like, oh well. Course it was fine and I kept my rule – rules keep me safe. Iām thinking The Rules are not troublesome to me right now and my rules are my helpers.
Awareness – Chaos and Order. Iām changing Bonnie you were talking of the inner strength. Iām seeing lessons everywhere. In Adeleās interview last night she talked of how hard it was to break up her marriage and family for her pleasure, I cried and cried because that was a very big cost for me because I did that. More forgiveness – Iām fortunate all my family involved turned out fine but I couldnāt know it I took the chance – glad I did but there was/is a price to pay.
Intentions that is seeming so important now. Iām seeing this monthās work as my path to my new normal, to now normal, Iām in less fear I can take care of things on my own and when I canāt Iāve got a network of help all around me. It was nine years ago today that Sister (my cat) came to live with me she was a year old – we are celebrating her tenth birthday – Godās gift – she gives me purpose every day Iām grateful.
Havenāt had the bandwidth to be fully present in here but I do keep up with comments when I can. Yāall are always inspiring me so I wanted to pop in & share what feels like a small mental win for me.
I woke up this morning with anxiety from an overstimulating weekend in Las Vegas (supporting a friend in a bodybuilding competition) & could barely get out of bed. After forcing myself to get up to pet my cat who sometimes insists getting her cuddles on the rug when sheās feeling needy, I decided to pull out my journal & do the gratitude exercise we did some months ago where we wrote out ten things then read them over & really feel the gratitude for each one. When reading over my first item I realized I wanted to express this gratitude to my friendās parents because they paid for my hotel & all of my meals while I was in Vegas with them – which I was not expecting at all & had thanked them when in person but I just felt like expressing it again. They sent some really sweet messages back & even called me a part of their family & it just felt really good!! I get to share my joy by appreciating them & that potentially makes others feel good too.
Then the rest of the day I was able to actually show up for conversations & e-mails better than I normally would after two days of driving, socializing, & just taking in the overwhelming energy of that city. I have tendencies to disconnect completely for days when drained from that yet I came back within a few hours today!
Connection is something I want to nourish more in my life yet sometimes I donāt feel energized enough for it so it was beautiful to see how feeling gratitude for it sparked more fuel for me to engage with it.
This is awesome and beautiful, Bianca! Definitely a win; thank you for sharing it. I definitely get that tendency to disconnect, so thanks for the little reminder for me as well. š
Lots percolating for me for a long time, but it’s Mercury Day and I’m feeling the urge to communicate.
I am having a difficult time thinking of ‘small rules’ that I could adjust/change/observe but about 5 minutes ago I was reminded of one rule that actually holds very deep resonance for me – There’s no crying in baseball.
I know, it’s not a rule, so much as one of the best moments in A League of Their Own, but boy does that (and various other scenes in that film) speak volumes to my relationship with feelings. Working with Bon via Astrology For Creatives and Aligned Advantage, I’m learning that my Moon in Capricorn in the 2nd House means I’ve had some baggage in that area basically since birth!
What I’ve experienced it as in practical terms is literally fighting tears when I caught a groundball in my shin as a pre-teen playing with the boys in Little League (instead of Softball where girls are ‘supposed’ to play); Expressing anger as tears during arguments, which pissed me off because I was afraid it showed ‘weakness’ or ‘sadness’ instead of the legitimate outrage I was feeling; Sobbing through voice classes whenever I connected to my breath (because I spent so much of my daily life suppressing deep emotion), then getting angry with myself for wasting my voice class, then crying because I was angry. Vicious. Cycle.
So, I guess a rule I’m looking to incorporate is the ritual of taking a moment each week to acknowledge Moon’s day and check in with myself to see if there’s anything I’m feeling that I need feel more deeply. And, if that means crying for a few minutes every Monday for a while, releasing judgement around that expression.
It astounds me, the number of times Iāll draft something, not post it yet, then have it reflected back to me with yāall. Gosh. Kimberly, your mention of sobbing through voice classes and then getting angry with the āwasteā is so close to an experience I just had.
I just jumped into a voice empowerment collective (a few singers, but mostly speakers), and have had two weekly classes so far. The first day, the first voice-embodiment exercise, I started crying and just couldnāt stop. This week, I got 2/3 through the class until I was tearing up. My ego would like me to be highly embarrassed and frustrated by this āwasteā (deliberate quotations from the part of me that says itās not a waste at all, but the truth of what I needed to do). I drafted about this as a rule around expressive/embodied use of my voice, somewhere in the range of ābe quiet and suck it upā.
All of it goes through a filter of purpose/focusā¦ usually performance, but intentional convos, too. When I gut-connect without that filter, I can get overwhelmed and flooded. On Tuesday, that resulted in crying through scales, then being annoyed I cried through scales. For me, I think this all has something to do with the daily disconnecting and being HSP/empath, some old crap around singing and performance in general, and a nested rule of thinking before you speak (not a bad rule, but mineās a little hot because little-me learned she could come off too cold & critical #ThanksVirgo).
Side note: so far, I’m finding all my rules have nested rules. Upholder thing?
Stephās metaphor time: I envisioned it like a dam. When allās balanced, Iām in control and can allow the āappropriate amount of flowā as needed. But if Iām not allowing enough, sticking to the rule, or if Iām ignoring the overall level on either side, it all gets too much and has to go somewhere. The dam must be breached.
All to say, I see you, Kimberly, and I have a parallel experience. I had drafted that I was going to attempt permission to be okay with some breaching and floodgating until I re-learn how to balance, and forgive myself for the rigidity of the be-quiet-rule that kept little-me safe. So, Iām with you on Moon day. š (My Moonās hanging out in Sag with Saturn right on its tail. Different baggage, but I kinda get it. š )
What keeps jumping out at me from all of this, almost every aspect of what’s written here in this month’s space is trust. TRUST. Ugh + Ooooof. And when trusting mySELF, or anyone else either really, ultimately, if I’m honest, is that ask, that’s where I go wonky haywire (historically/thus far/until now).
Trusting that what I need at any given moment is OK and not “lazy/unambitious.” Trusting that if it takes me a long ass time to more deeply trust myself, then that is OK. Trusting that even if I was insecurely attached, had a lotto childhood trauma, and a decades long drinking career, that still, I CAN. TRUST. MY. SELF. This is very difficult and challenging for me after so many poor choices and is kinda at the crux of everything I deal with in my life and heart and soul. Funny that that’s the theme I see isn’t it?
Looking forward to tomorrow my friends. <3
I wanted to say I intended to be here today but I found out a few days ago that one of my oldest friends was in hospice care, her liver and kidneys shutting down as a result of alcohol abuse. I found out just before the meeting today that she died last night. Iām wrecked so I just couldnāt be there today. She had to have been going HARD this past year for this to have escalated this quickly. She was a friend since my mid 20s, we worked together waiting tables in the old days, and she even did my hair and makeup for my wedding to my ex-hubs. Her name was Tiara. And boy was she a sparkly light. If you can, maybe send up a little prayer for her. I appreciate this group and I will catch you on the replay and in the comments. Love to you all. Take care of yourselves out there. And I promise to treat myself with care too. ā¤ļø
Oh, Kellye. You got it. Sending comforting energy. <3
Abstainer vs. moderatorā¦ Iām both, itās entirely situational for me. Perhaps a part of the upholder, but I can just as easily not do the thing as limit the thing and stop. (Hey Frito-Lay, betcha I CAN eat just one.) The trick I turn there is to make a little rule of itā¦ wherein lies the crux of our conversation. Lol. Now I understand why you brought it up, Bon.
I’m not sure I really judge choosing one or the other. But I do think I have a judgment about choosing neither, which maybe speaks more to my tolerance for indulgence, abundance, and excess than anything. Oh, bumped into an ULP, didnāt I. Not sure where that comes fromā¦ a little patriarchy, a little negative experience, some woo Iāve missed. Something to get more curious about for sureā¦ how might I de-rule-ify this, or edit the rule to be more expansiveā¦
Check Saturn, for sure. It loves to remind us that an excess is totally unnecessary and therefore we shouldn’t have that.
Also, check the value of setting rules for yourself around the individual situations vs. having a life policy about a thing. There comes a point where the constant weighing in about whether or not to allow a chip, for example, is just SUCH an expenditure of energy that could be better used elsewhere.
Sort of like the way school uniforms help us have zero stress about what to wear everyday, thereby allowing for more energy and focus on our education, so they say. Certainly, there’s less energy spent on what to wear, wherever that energy may become reallocated. š I would probably sleep in longer rather than use that time for extra homework or something. LOL
For sure, Iām just trying to tease out the Saturn dynamic- my Saturn is 5th house Sagittarius, in a Saturn decan (plus night-chart). But I think thereās something to play with here, because Jupiter is hanging out in my 10th house, and of course, Sag is ruled by Jupiter (excess, abundance, and all the glitter). So, thereās a conversation or balance that can be struck between the two, perhaps. At least, thatās what Iām curious about this Sagittarius season: how might I encourage grumpy olā Saturn to at least entertain a little excess? I know, this isnāt Aligned Advantage, but this is where Iām going with what youāve taught me. š
Re: situational versus overarching rules: I will, and I think that links into what Keith was saying to me on the call, too. Thank you. š Itās still hard to notice when Iām following rules, tbh, but Iāll check as I see āem. Iām with you on the sleeping in, lol.
One huge rule jumped out at me last night: if a family member has a complaint/rant/comment about something that isnāt working, the rule is that I must help by either solving it myself, googling it, or otherwise finding a fix. Yes, this is part patriarchal, part people-pleasing, but also seems to be a very old and internalized rule in my being able to solve puzzles and come up with creative solutions from an early age. Payoff? I feel smart for having fixed the thing, I generally like puzzles, and the ranting/complaining/negative energy goes away. Itās easier to fix than to hold the boundary against the energy itself. A nasty rule thatās causing grief thoughā¦ no fun to solve puzzles when under rule-duress. The next time this happens (in all likelihood today), Iām going to try out a combo of āI have notesā and āIām willing to say yes to the discomfort (of not solving the thing)ā. Because they didnāt actually ask me to solve itā¦ nor is it always mine to solve! Iām not sure how to shore up this boundary for the entire negative energetic tsunami, but I can start here. Iām also going to go back and revisit āYour Relationship with Joyā; Iām pretty sure you had a conversation on the Zoom with April around family members getting their joy out of complaining.
Anyway, happy Sun’s Day!
Happy Thanksgiving, ninjas! I am thankful for YOU!
Love you, Laura! So grateful for you.
I’m so grateful for YOU Bonnie and Laura, Kellye, and all!
I had a different Thanksgiving because of our zoom. When I told the story about Uncle Archie I finished it showing how my mom had pulled me in and sheltered me by hugging myself. My mom in such a quiet way guided and showed me the way you had to manipulate your way around in the world. She had very little power but again in her quiet way brought her small dreams to reality. That hugging of myself I equated to being held in her arms and being taken care of – I’m going to continue to use that to bring her closer to me. I was good to her and there for her during her last years but I didn’t start giving her the credit she’s due till lately. I like rewriting my life’s stories with more positive spins.
Most of my attachment style is Secure but then Avoidant comes smashing in – I use it to keep myself from whoever I think I’m punishing by holding myself away from, if that makes sense. On Thanksgiving in our small gathering some of that Avoidant crap came up and I saw my rules and changed them. Had I not done that I would have grown uncomfortable being less than my full self and would have had doubts, felt less than. I have over blown some things in my life and now I want to be easier on myself and others – why not care less about rules?
I have those three fixed signs I now celebrate on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and all these old worn out rules. I like what you were saying about binary though that’s not a word I use for myself I think in more black, white and gray or grey. Grey areas I see – letting go of some of my outdated rules will be part of my visions maybe. I’m looking forward to Visions I’m more in the moment these days than thinking of goals.
With your guidance I’m loving opening up to questioning and pondering.