Hello you glorious beings. It’s time to dive in on our topic for July! (July?!? How the EFF is it July already? And also… what is time? Oh hai… isn’t that perfect for this month’s topic?)
This month is all about Your Relationship with NOW. I keep all-caps-ing the NOW because it feels so innocent and simple in its lowercase form. The word now is small and easy and innocuous. But once we get into our relationship with it… well… that’s presence, that’s stillness, that’s TIME (which of course we know well is code for “expectations”), and all of that stuff is way bigger than the word NOW (even all-caps-ed) can convey.
The brain science studiers out there don’t agree fully, but the range of “truth” in the percentage of our focus, time, energy, etc., spent in the NOW is somewhere between 50% and 20%. Meaning, at any given moment, we are attending to 80% to 50% brain impulses around the future (predictive stuff, scenario-running, what-if-ing, queuing up the next ten potential things we could choose to say or do next) and the past (sorting the catalogue of pattern tracking we store about ALL THE THINGS which helps us do all the predictive stuff, remembering the time when similar situations went X way or Y way or Z way and protecting against extinction by choosing the safest things we can choose, which of course crosses us over from past to future with this part of the brain’s load).
And on top of that future prediction and past analysis the majority of the neurotransmitting is doing, we’ve got a narrator, a commentator, a voice that is responsible for explaining to the audience that is our whole brain what it is that’s going on. My theory is that this is why the percentage differs depending on who you ask about the brain’s level of bandwidth for NOW vs. NOT NOW during any given NOW; some scientists label that internal voice a NOW thing and call the split 50/50. Me? I side with the brainiacs who call that voice *also* a NOT NOW component of things, making the not now focus 80% and the NOW focus 20%.
Anyway, whichever side of that particular nuance you side with, the point is that only 50% to 20% of our focus, time, energy, etc., right this second is actually on NOW.
Journal Prompt
Yes. A super-early journal prompt because before we get too far away from this one, I’d love to have you share below in the comments and/or in your journal whether that percentage range surprises you. Or if you’ve ever even thought about it. Are you curious about that, now? Intrigued? Fascinated? Frustrated? Unconvinced?
Psst! That part of your brain that is actively trying to calculate how much of your energy is being spent in the NOT NOW while you’re reading these words and picking up your pen to write in your journal? That’s part of the NOT NOW percentage.
You’re welcome.
I know. This is more of that “Bonnie picks a lighthearted sounding topic for the month and we’re in an existential crisis before the 10th paragraph” shit y’all love so much. š
Isn’t the brain FASCINATING?
(And if you went back and counted, thinking: “Had Bonnie hit 10 paragraphs yet or was she just using a random number for funsies” at that point? That’s also NOT NOW brain activity. That’s the glorious handoff of the FUTURE brain trying to be predictive about a [very recent] PAST pattern to be sure there’s no danger in trusting that I could tell you a number and you could just keep reading. If you just kept reading? Good job. You may be closer to 50/50 than to 80/20 with this. At least for this moment.)
It’s not that the goal is to be 100% present 100% of the time. That’s actually not possible.
But the more present we are, the less anxiety we’re experiencing. Because as the saying goes, “Anxiety is the opposite of being present.”
Anxiety is the biochemical stress response to the emotions we’re not letting ourselves feel in that moment. And those emotions are usually about something we don’t control… which is almost always gonna be about something in the “what if” department or “what do they think” area or “what are they saying about that thing that just happened” and so on.
See: last month’s Your Relationship with Caring Less. We care the most about things we’re low-enoughness about *and* things our ego is most tied up in *and* things we have the least control over. Ta-dah!
Staying in the NOW as much as possible actually provides a really lovely way to care less because we realize how dang LITTLE we have the ability to affect anyway.
Now, I’m not saying that means we’re ineffective little inconsequential beings over here… specs of dust in a universe that has already exploded but the waves of that extinction haven’t traveled to our puny little planet just yet. No… not at all (even though that may all be true).
What I am saying is that there is great SURRENDER in the now. And surrender is one of the most powerful things we can do in life. It allows us to leave the Karpman Drama Triangle and observe from above it (revisit: the VISITOR as the 4th V) without attachment to the future of how it’ll all shake out AND without doing too much tracking of past patterns to determine if we need to get into fight-or-flight about anything.
And of course, as Keith said last month (yes, it was so good I wrote it down): “By surrendering… [using] this notion of caring less about where your life is headed… you are headed to the best life you’ve ever had.”
I loved hearing him pair the notion of caring less with surrendering. Because what we’re actually surrendering when we care less *and* when we are more in the present moment is:
~ ego
~ attachment to what others think (or what we think they think)
~ low enoughness
~ needing anything to be different than it is in order to feel good
~ the idea that Baseline Criteria for our lives hasn’t already been met
Back to that whole existential crisis thing: Being truly in the NOW lets off the hook not only everything that came before this moment but everything that COULD COME in the future. And if everything is “off the hook” — there are no stakes around what has been done to us or what might come of what we’re doing next — there’s freedom so vast in terms of how we ALL might evolve that… well… it sort of breaks the brain a little bit.
Journal Prompt
What’s your relationship with surrender. I know, I know… that’s not this month’s topic, but it’s related. When you imagine letting go of any attachment to past slights or misdeeds or full-on abuses or anything in between, what comes up in you?
~ ego
~ attachment to what others think (or what we think they think)
~ low enoughness
~ needing anything to be different than it is in order to feel good
~ the idea that Baseline Criteria for our lives hasn’t already been met
^^^ Any of those guys?
If just the idea of releasing attachment to NON-NOW THINGS gets you aaaaaallllllll stirred up in any combination of those five elements, you can see how strongly wired we are for staying firmly rooted in the NOT NOW.
So I’ll ask you to get curious. Pick one thing — not the biggest, gnarliest, grisliest thing that your brain went to when I said to try releasing attachment to the past; pick something easy but annoying, like that thing someone said to you in high school that you still remember verbatim today — and imagine one of those five bullet-point items just completely dissolving away about it.
Get CURIOUS about how it might feel in the NOW to release the ego or attachment to what others think about you around that snotty thing that was said about you many years ago… and drop into your body.
~ Where are you feeling that?
~ What’s the sensation?
~ Can you sit with that for a moment?
~ Breathe (remember, exhale twice as long as the inhale to calm the amygdala).
~ Is there anything pleasant-feeling about letting that story be over?
Shalaym
There’s a word that is a close relative to shalom: shalaym. It means WHOLE. And in some interpretations of greeting someone with “Shalom?” you are actually asking, “How’s your wholeness?”
I. Love. This.
So much so that when I first heard it I decided it’s the interpretation I’ll not only stick with when I hear “Shalom?” as a question but it’s one I’ll use on myself when I’m feeling anxiety. When I’m feeling NOT present.
I’ll go, “Shalaym, Bon?” and my brain will take a sec to determine how much wholeness I’m feeling. Am I present? Am I enough? Am I taking responsibility for how good I feel or am I outsourcing all that to some future time or some past state I wish to reattain or something someone else is ultimately in control of?
One of the things that has gotten ridiculously out of hand for me personally in the months since quarantinetimes began is my multitasking.
I am not exaggerating in the slightest in this run-down. I want you to really envision it.
I’m never JUST doing one thing. Like most people, I have a bunch o’ stuff going on at once, always. So, here I am typing at my laptop and there’s some audio running somewhere. Usually it’s a video I’m not watching but listening to — every now and then I will stop what I’m typing to go over to the vid and roll back something that sounded interesting so I can see the visual that went with it — and it’s always sped up, usually to double-speed. SOME people’s pace of speaking is already quick enough that I can deal with 1.5 to 1.75 speed. But RARELY am I listening to something on real-time speed. In fact, I get ornery when I have no choice but to listen to something slowly.
So, when I flip over to the vid to roll it back to catch the thing visually that I found interesting in the audio-only experience, I realize the TV is also at an interesting point in the storyline, so I’ll either pause the vid on my laptop or pause the TV show. This will usually be one of TWO shows I’m watching at once. We have that dual-tuner thing on the TiVo, and each tuner can hold up to 90 minutes of stored live/real-time programming before it advances, so I will simultaneously “watch” two shows by bopping back and forth between the two tuners, hitting pause on one to catch up on the next act of the other. These shows are almost always things I’ve seen before. And like a bajilliondy times. I could say the lines along with the actors. Law & Order, The People’s Court, Mom, Beverly Hills 90201, Sex and the City… and when it’s not one of those “comfort food” shows, it’s a “murder show” (meaning, it’s one of those news magazine shows in which invariably one spouse murders another and we spend the whole episode trying to figure out why or how or where the body is or if they killed their last spouse too… and Keith is only mildly concerned that this is the kind of stuff I can watch for HOURS — of course “watch” isn’t really the word; it’s just on).
While the storyline advances, I will want to stick with it through to the next act break, so I’ll not go back to typing on my laptop… instead I’ll grab either my phone or my iPad and play a game. Words With Friends, solitaire, mahjong solitaire, 2048, something like that. And if there are no games to play or I need to change gears differently, I’ll “do a lap” of the Twitter, Instagram, Clubhouse loop. Open each of the apps just to see if there’s anything I need to reply to, deal with, comment on, answer to, refer over to the team at the helpdesk, etc. At times, I’ll have the TV on one of the two shows, the audio playing on the vid on my laptop, a document open that I’m typing into, my iPad open to one of my games, my iPhone open to one of my social media spaces, and then I’ll pick up my journal and write something down in it because I need to be sure I remember this or process that or whatever.
There are TIMES that all of this is happening while a second laptop is open to either Abraham-Hicks or one of those cool meditative audio thingies on YouTube.
What.
The.
Actual.
Fuck?
This is NOT Bonnie of 18 months ago behavior. It’s certainly not “no screens in the bedroom” Bonnie behavior (even though none of this is happening in the bedroom). And for DAMN SURE it’s not “How do I behave if I am the best in the world at what I do?” Bonnie behavior. Not by a longshot.
What it IS though is how I’ve stacked and stacked and stacked more things and more things and more things to keep my busy brain from having to actually FEEL the emotion beneath anxiety that I am doing everything I can to NOT feel these days.
So because I want to be done with this nonsense, I’ve started asking myself, “Shalaym, Bon?”
And then I will just hit pause on everything. Turn it off altogether if I can stand it. Put everything out of reach (yup, even the journal) and just sit. Close my eyes. Breathe. And ask: “How’s your wholeness?”
The tears come fast and hot and my throat closes up and I get flush red all in my cheeks and on my lips and even all over my ears (WTF?). Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I want to yell. But always, the tears and this profound sadness — not necessarily over what I am feeling (and trying NOT to feel), although there is definitely some of that — over how disconnected I would rather be from myself and my feelings in the NOW of it all.
So.
Journal Prompt
How’s your wholeness? And how often do you check on that? How much of NOT being in the NOW of it all comes from how uncomfortable it is to just sit with yourself and your feelings — even for a moment? And can you become curious about what might happen if you were to show up for regular, brief check-ins with yourself?
WITHOUT TRYING TO SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS?
That last bit is pretty important. One of the big features of being present is NOT problem solving. I know it’s tempting. We’re so conditioned to spot problems, solve problems, get rewarded for doing so with the most speed or efficiency or cleverness… and honestly a lot of that is straight up toxic.
Part of being present is just BEING with ourselves. Giving audience to the emotions that come up when we are still. Allowing the natural flow of energy and focus and curiosity and whatever else comes up JUST HAPPEN. Without judgment. Without comment. Without trying to fix anything (because to want to fix something means we see something wrong which means we’ve judged… oops).
In your journal and/or just below in the comments: How’s your wholeness? And can you check in on that with yourself 6 times in July? Not 6 times a day. Just 6 times over the course of 31 days. Yes… I’m making it completely do-able even if you really hate it. It’s an experiment. Just open the door to this one. You can always close the door back on it later.
As I’m trying to train my brain AWAY from the survival-during-quarantinetimes setpoint (because it’s gotten some REALLY un-fun OCD habits and emotional eating picked back up in these 15 months and it’s time to communicate safety to the amygdala more consistently and authoritatively so that I don’t more automatically GO INTO places of panic and trauma-re-activating when even tiny tech issues flare up in the day to day), I’m feeling myself reach for a remote control or a gadget and then taking that beat — “Shalaym, Bon?” — just to give myself an opportunity to NOT reinforce the loop of “there’s discomfort; engage in behavior to distract; confirm to the brain that the discomfort was in fact a threat… thereby strengthening the danger signals and their speed of transmission upon next loop” — repeat, repeat, repeat.
Just the act of asking myself how I’m doing pulls me into the NOW, unpleasant as it may be, and more often than not, it’s not at all unpleasant. But I have to take the risk that it could tap me in on some emotions I’d rather not deal with. And, hey. Emotions are rarely convenient. They’re rarely tidy. They’re rarely WELCOMED in many of our relationships which makes us feel shame around even having them… OMG WHO LET THE PATRIARCHY IN HERE AGAIN?!?
*ahem*
What does being more connected with NOW mean you’re risking, where emotions are concerned? Being more vulnerable? Being more real? Being more unapologetic about owning your feelings even as they make you and others uncomfortable sometimes?
VERY excited to see where this part of our convo goes!
A Challenge
Start building up a muscle for being present by approaching the way you do LITTLE THINGS differently. Meaning, you’re brushing your teeth. Really be there. Don’t go up in your head thinking about the next thing you’re going to do or what’s left undone from before. Be there, toothbrush in hand, motion happening, teeth getting their polish on. Be there for that. How does it feel? What does it sound like? Without judgment — what is the look of this activity? The taste? The smell? Get into your senses and just be there for the teeth-brushing. All-in.
Starting with something that’s super straightforward, not at all threatening, something you do a bajilliondy times so there’s generally good momentum for it without stress, and that doesn’t take a lot of time is the best way to do a wee bit of brain-training so that you can teach your brain it’s safe to be in the NOW a little more often.
A Reminder
From our month spent on Your Relationship with Joy:
Do more of the whole “being present” thing since NOW is all we have and the true joy we seek is in the now. When we think we have “past joy,” we’re actually feeling connection to a past, joy-filled version of ourselves we may have even MISSED experiencing fully because we weren’t so present back then. When we work toward achieving “future joy,” we’re actually feeling hope about a place that may never materialize for us. But to be here NOW is to invite ease, freedom, space, sovereignty, delight… joy. So the more you can do to be in the now, the more you’re building up the capacity to receive more joy.
Wouldja look at that? We were building up to this topic back then. I love past us. But not more than I love NOW us.
The Eternal Now of Dog Time
From last month’s excellent contribution from Keith on Your Relationship with Caring Less:
The Eternal Now of Dog Time — Similar to Zen and Taoism, we can use dog time to mitigate the hold on us of things we can’t affect. By living fully in the present, we release the emotional hold the past has on us. So don’t care less about a thing, just know that in dog time, that thing is forgotten into nonexistence.
I was listening to an Abraham-Hicks MP3 I’ve heard a few times before. In the hotseat is a man whose service dog must be on his lap, based on where the convo goes after the first few minutes.
Abraham asks, “Who is this?” and the man in the hotseat answers, “Li’l Jerry. Like Li’l Wayne… but Jerry,” referring to Esther’s deceased partner who of course is now very much a part of the voice of Abraham. This gets a big laugh from the audience and Abraham continues to ask questions about Li’l Jerry and how safe he feels, how *enough* he feels, how much he needs in order to feel happy, and so on.
After hearing this MP3 again recently, it was time to walk to the Pilates studio and Keith of course always walks me. I was Air signing at him (talking. a lot.) about the dog and its Baseline Criteria for feeling safe and happy and whole. I asked, “How much of a dog’s general setpoint for happiness comes from just not having ANY concept of an end date? Like, they have no idea what the average lifespan of a dog is so they don’t lose time to worrying about getting all the things done that they came here to do. They have no fear of dying to the degree that humans do. Where in THERE is the secret to this caring less/being present thing?”
And of course, Keith brilliantly shared that from a neurological development standpoint, humans don’t actually know they’re mortal for a good chunk of their early life either. In fact, from a pure brain science perspective, it’s not ’til we’re in our mid-20s that we actually embody the knowing that we are — at all times — living our lives trying to avoid dying. That’s why we do a lot more “stupid shit” in the first chunk of our lives than we would ever consider doing in the later chunks.
Of course, I argue that we just know it feels like shit to come back from a broken-twisted-wrenched-pulled-dislocated whatever and we don’t like spending the time we ARE here in these skinsuits having to recover from such things and that it’s not actually a mortality awareness setting that has us being “more cautious” as we age. But poTAYto, poTAHto. The point is, “carefree youth” is largely carefree because there IS no tomorrow. We do a really good job of living in the NOW until we’re mature enough and/or at a point of brain development at which it’s harder to live without concern for what we could be doing in the NOW that makes our LATER somehow more unpleasant.
Thing is, we so early on stop enjoying the NOW of it all that we rob ourselves of NOW JOY because of how much focus, time, energy we’re spending trying to be sure our future selves get to finally cash in on all the goodness we’re banking with all of this focus, time, energy. Right?
This goes back to that whole, “Look at that old photo of me? OMG I’m so cute! Why didn’t I appreciate HOW CUTE I was back then?!?” and instead of making the next (NON-NOW thought) about how you can beat up past-you for having neglected to clock how adorable you were back then, we now try to either GET PRESENT and enjoy how dang cute we are RIGHT THIS SECOND or at the very least do something to be sure that FUTURE US won’t beat up NOW us for having missed out on the gorgeousness that is us right this second.
Three choices: past thinking, present thinking, or future thinking. Beating up our past selves for not having enjoyed the NOW of their time (that’s “past thinking”). Sitting with the awareness of how stinkin’ cute we are right now (that’s “present thinking”). Or trying to protect against future us making the same mistakes we not only made in the past but are making right this second by focusing on anything but… you guessed it… RIGHT NOW.
Which of these do you think I want you to choose?
Can you play with this a bit?
Assume you’re already “done.” Your Baseline Criteria for life is met. You’ve done the damn thing you came here to do. You’re on Bonus Points in all ways. Does that give you freedom? Does that give you regret? Does that give you something surprising that you’d like to share?
And does it make Your Relationship with NOW a little bit more exciting and fulfilling and enjoyable?
You know what to do. Share your thoughts below. š I cannot wait to jam with y’all on all of this.
Meanwhile, here’s an Abe that just *screamed* “Share me with the Expansive Capacity members!!!” so here ’tis. Enjoy!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
All my ninja love,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Thursday, July 22nd, at 11:30am PDT. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email from Zoom with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. š
If somehow you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Here is the replay of our July 22, 2021 deep dive. Enjoy!
Our always-inspiring chat is here. So so so much love — and OMG all the books to read — flowing through this little doc.
As we finish up our look at Your Relationship with NOW, here are some prompts for you to play with in your journal and/or below in the comments.
~ Consider that the future is conjecture. The past is memory. Every time we recenter to the ever-rolling NOW, we are not just training presence and checking in on our wholeness, we are actually allowing for healing around past trauma, lowering anxiety around things that may never happen… even a BEAT of focusing on NOW is doing our healing brains so many favors!
~ It’s no accident that NOW flowed so beautifully off Your Relationship with Caring Less. NOW is a tool for caring less. Keep it in your toolbox and consider that using the tool of NOW is a far kinder tool to use than disconnection. Disconnection, of course, feeds addiction, feeds obsession, feeds living from the neck-up, feeds fight-or-flight setpoints, feeds anxiety we have to recover from. Perhaps write on your whiteboard or post up on a Post-It Note somewhere: Disconnect or come back to NOW. Those are the choices for surviving thought loops about all the things we don’t control, all the places our brains feel less comfortable.
~ Journal a bit about this quote: “I exist in perpetual creative response to whatever is present.” — Amrit Desai. Specifically, we’re considering the rolling now. Because NOW is always forward-focused. It must be. Every now is becoming a moment in the past, constantly. So every now is rolling forward. What are some “yes, and…” ways in which you can stay open to meet the ever-rolling now? Creative response vs. well-practiced reaction? Just that beat, that breath, that EMBODIMENT of now (finding where, in your body, the present moment is showing up) will help you practice this more, so it becomes easier and more fun!
~ Discuss: Is WHY always a NOT-NOW-focused word? I propose that it is. It’s a function of causation investigation. What caused THIS situation? Caused. Past-tense. How do we find ourselves here? What’s the thing that led up to this situation? When you find yourself asking WHY about anything — whether it’s as small as the inconvenience of unexpectedly feeling unwell one day or as large as the injustices of the world we all bear witness to on the daily — stop, take a breath, feel that in your body, take another breath, and use your NOW tool to help you care less. This is not to disconnect you from caring to make you ineffective at creating change in the world! It’s to allow you to stay embodied and sourced for the work of creating change in the world without anxiety over things you cannot control.
~ In long-form prep for a future month’s focus, begin asking yourself: “What is a story I’m ready to stop telling?” Without spinning out on the whole “But who am I without my stories?” thing, just get curious (another future month’s topic) about your inventory of stories… and what you might like to never tell again. There’s a future you who has achieved that ability. That release from a NOT NOW script. We’re doing the work so you can meet that future you, soon. More and more every day.
SO freakin’ inspired by the work you’re doing!! Truly wonderful! Next-level. Beautiful.
Next month’s focus: Your Relationship with Happy. Not happiness. Happy. Come on, Leo season! Let’s strut this happy OUT!! š
Woo HOO!
And of course, any questions for us, pop ’em in below! I love how fully and completely y’all showed up for each other last month in particular. That was beautiful on so many levels and I really treasure the convos we have here. I hope you do too. Thank you for being a part of these next-level discussions as we continue to do so much healing on ourselves as artists so we are capable of healing the world with our art. Love you!
Ahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahaha…!!!
My response to how much glorious anxiety this is bringing up inside me.
Bon, you have a truly incredible ability to pick topics that I need SO very badly in my life. Three cheers for psychic powers!
In response to the second journal prompt, I am way less great at surrendering post-quarantine (even though we are not out of the woods yet by any stretch). Living in a chronic state of fight or flight for 16 months will do that to you.
Iāve been noticing that, despite the fact that my life ROCKS MY SOCKS and I have SO much abundance and incredible-ness to be thankful for, I have this intense, unrelenting fire-in-the-belly that feels a lot like Elsa in Frozen 2 and makes me so desperate to run 500 miles towards my intangible desires…and yeah, that is for sure keeping me out of the now and out of a state of surrender!
Iām a fire sign, which is 0 surprise to anybody who knows me. I like burning shit. I love burning out. I love burning a trail behind me as I fly, like a comet, and aggressively crash into whatever I wish. That has served me well, and that has also been the very basis of all my self-harm.
Finding more water (something I lack in my chart) and surrendering? This feels SCARY and feels also like it goes against my base nature. So, Iād love some assistance around the following: what are ways I can personally make surrender, living in the now and contendedness feel more enjoyable? Whats the dialectical (holding two conflicting thoughts in your head at once without exploding) for honoring that intense desire within me while also surrendering to the delicious magic of what could be?
Looking forward to hearing yāallās thoughts and personal feelings around living in the now! š
For me, it’s supes micro. Surrender to the fact that I’m activated. Don’t make it wrong. It is what it is. Dispassionate labeling. Breathing. “And I didn’t die.” All these things.
Back up from there to stuff I do to remind me that surrender is not BAD.
At some point during a massage, I surrender. That feels good. At some point during a bubble bath, I surrender. That feels good. At some point as my busy brain is chattering like a monkey as I’m trying to go to sleep, I surrender.
Think of times you LET GO — belly laughs, thrills on a rollercoaster or whatever your version of GOOD thrills might be, anything that is just sweet and good and innocent and pure — and notice the micro-events of surrender so many times during those moments.
Labeling the places where surrender is already happening 100 times a day without traumatic repercussions is the first work, for me.
Like with ALL work of healing trauma, there’s SO much complexity and depth, which is why therapists are the right audience for holding space for that sort of work. Navigating times when LEAVING THE NOW is 100% required in order to feel safe while surviving an attack, for example, and then having very real neuralpathways that are trained to stay OUT of the here and now because of that one time (or more times) that here and now was not safe… those are spaces that hopefully become easier to heal when we do things like notice all the places where surrender happens REGULARLY “and I didn’t die” (because of course the brain is rightly certain we are on the verge of extinction at all times).
Even a fire sign surrenders — let’s look at a fire getting swirled up by the wind and spreading. That’s the fire SURRENDERING to the wind. And of course, by doing so, it grows. If instead it FOUGHT the wind, it would snuff itself out.
So, don’t make surrender have to look a certain kind of way. š Just start noticing where it’s already happening in the microest of micro.
That’s where I’d begin.
Oh, and on the traumatized pooch… YES. 100% we can “come in packing” some really big trauma no matter what our brain size and complexity may be. The reason we use dogs as the setpoint in The Eternal Now of Dog Time is because, by and large, they ARE pretty chill. They ARE pretty low-stress.
But just like humans can range from low to very high stress levels as setpoints (and thrive throughout the spectrum), so can the poochies. I’m sorry your baby likes to hide things to make sure there’s protection from a scarcity mindset. I’m sure just by being with you, some of that is healed vs. where it could have gotten by now, had less-healthy human contact continued. (We had a rescue kitty who was always fighting some sort of trauma from her earliest days, her whole life. We did what we could to help her feel safe as much as she could and she very definitely did shift over the years… but there was always a sliver of panic happening. So… it’s about “being the best/healthiest/most relaxed version of ourselves we can be” rather than some optimum state we just can’t reasonably get to.)
Always love our convos!!
Also, now that Iāve read the whole shebang, I wanna offer something as a response to the dog mindset portion of this monthās work:
I have a little puppy that I love with my whole heart. She is an āaccidental rescueā, in that I thought I got her from a reputable breeder when, in fact, she 100% came from a puppy mill. So, my dog is traumatized AF and a lot of her training revolves around healing her PTSD and helping her to feel safe in the now.
For a dog, she spends a lot of time living in future anxiety or past fears. Itās actually fascinating to behold. If I give her a greenie (a doggy toothbrush treat), she will spend HOURS rummaging through the house to find the *perfect* hiding spot for it, because sheās so afraid of the potential of some other dog coming and stealing it. In that moment, she is partially wrapped up in future anxiety.
I share this because it is totally normal to have a hard time accessing the now if you have a deep relationship with trauma from your early life. Even animals have a hard time surrendering when they grew up in constant fight-or-flight conditions. Even my dorky little eggplant-shaped girl struggles to be present. So, as we do this work together, remember that you arenāt a āfailureā if you canāt stay in the now. 1. Thatās a trap to keep you from the now (LOL BRAIN) and 2. The word failure is fake and you are, instead, healing while approaching this work.
Hope this ramble makes sense. Iām gonna go give my dog lots and lots and lots of hugs and show her how awesome the NOW can be š
I love this. And I want to see a picture of what sounds like the most adorable derp out there. š
Hey Sheila,
Loving energy to your puppy. I house sit for someone and they have a dog. She was a rescue and has so much anxiety. It fascinated me to see here with that. Love her to pieces.
That IS fascinating, Sheila. Thank you for sharing this! I find it such an interesting reflection of this month’s work.
Give your adorable floof some hugs from me! š
Thank you for sharing this, Sheila.
I just want to start by saying how I appreciate our month with presence and āThe Now” (of Dog Time) is beautifully aligned with the Dog Days of Summer- the time of year when Sirius, the ādog starā, rises at dawn in the Northern Hemisphere. Just had to acknowledge that little sparkle!
Also? āBonnie picks a lighthearted sounding topic for the month and weāre in an existential crisis before the 10th paragraphā¦ā That. I may have cackled. š
Love that, Stephanie. Totally resonates with my Harry Potter side. š
Hey Bonnie,
Hadn’t really thought about the percentages before. It’s funny before I opened this up. I was just gazing and this is something I’ve been working on the past couple weeks. I was catching myself just being in the future and back to the pass. And tellling myself. Be here, be present right now. It’s fun to be able to catch myself and come as best as I can at this moment to the now.
Remy
Ooh. I like that! Thank you for sharing that simple but effective technique. I’m doing things like this too and I’ll add it to my toolbox.
I hadn’t particularly thought about it, but the 50-80% doesn’t surprise me at all. In fact, I find those numbers somewhat comforting. (Leave it to the Cylon to find comfort in cold data, lol.) That percentage certainly shifts for me depending on the day/time/activity; I think as a creative I’ve visited places sub-50% while in a flow state, too. But to read this gives me a softening sense that nothing is āwrongā the rest of the time.
On surrender: the very word evokes a visceral response (isnāt that curious, watching the brain pulling files on self-preservation). Get your shot glass readyā¦ somewhere in my brain surrender = giving up = failure. Yep. AFGO. Of course, there are lots of times I surrender in a day that are not failures and donāt feel bad/scary/out of control (just as Bon and Sheila highlighted above, some even feel good). So, I think Iām off to do some splitting againā¦ no more mandatory left turn into Failsville. Surrender can be a joyful giving of or giving in, too.
I LOVE the metaphorical image of the fire surrendering to the wind, so Iāll play with that for a while and see where it takes me. (Iām fire-dominant, and half my placements are mutable. This metaphor’s reminded me that I have something to lean in to!)
So glad I used it then! š Love seeing where you’re learning to split EVEN MORE (because there’s always more granular we can go with this, it seems). And hey, if surrender just won’t land in the right place in the brain for you, maybe try RELEASE?
āNo more mandatory left turn into Failsville. Surrender can be a joyful giving of or giving in, too.ā
I love this, Stephanie! I understand the resistance to the word Surrender. I really prefer the word, Release. That helps me when I recognize a need to Let Go.
And for the musical theatre kids, letās singā¦ Let it Go! Let it go!
You and Bonnie are both right… “release” has been doing the trick much better for me, and its connections/connotations aren’t so sticky. IRL, “release” shows up most often when I’m teaching modern dance. “Release” in that context is never a collapse or loss of control, it’s just the other side of a full contraction- we come back into neutral, a relaxed-but-attuned alignment. It works. š
Doing my best Elsa impression, Laura! (I legit had to play her at a mall once…)
A few rebuttals that came to me in journaling around the emotional risks of being more connected with NOW:
āI risk being blindsided. Being in the not-now feels like it prepares and limits the rollercoaster of daily emotionā¦ Part of me believes it makes me more even-keeled and therefore safer- thereās the payoff. Letting too much out risks panic attacks, emotional waves, and ārandomā crying (which I really donāt want to have to explainā¦ and feel stupid explainingā¦ and sometimes canāt beyond a series of elaborate metaphors, even to myself). That circles back to the earlier conversation around being too sensitive/dramatic/irrational, doesnāt it. Iām judging myself still. The not-now is also some form of taking care of others; Iām very aware of emotions as an HSP, so Iām trying to avoid setting others off, and trying to avoid picking up the emotions that arenāt mine. Not-now is like the sci-fi trope of being āout of phaseā and positioned between universes- youāre there but youāre not fully there.ā
Iām just going to be a bit vulnerable and share as a way to invite some air and distance in. Itās a spiral on this work, for sure, and our convos are helping. Just set some Shalaym reminders (because you know Iām on board for some well-aligned and lovely use of language).
Lovely! The judgment component is a big one for me as well. And FOR SURE the more buffering we can do around the blindside of others’ feelings and all their “stuff”, the safe we feel to be able to BE of service, as empaths. So… it’s balance. For me, just inviting in that space to observe whether I’m in the now or not is sometimes very helpful (in the data-gathering perspective, not in the fun-having perspective — this is all feeling like a LOT right now and it’s not so much fun). Still showing up for the work! Because the big reveal for me with this has been how much joy I’m not allowing due to avoiding the NOW at all costs. So… now… softening the “at all costs” of the avoidance. š Allowing a wee bit. Recalibrating. Breathing.
Thanks for holding space, as always. Itās helping to calm that voice that wants more than anything for me to shut up and never admit less than perfection. Slowly lowering the perceived danger with evidence and practice reps to where I can actually begin to feel a separation now. (It might be microns, but it’s there.)
I agree with you feeling like everything is a lot. Just writing that feels like an understatement, and thatās part of the reason that blindside avoidance mechanism is on overdrive. I do need to remind myself more often that the goal isnāt eradication, though. It is, in fact, equilibrium. (Libraās wanting in here.) Speaking of which…
This came up around balance: I learned somewhere along the line of my training as a dance kid that you canāt always be 100% in the NOW. Too NOW during that elaborate sequence and youāre on your face. Not enough NOW and youāre cold- technically accurate but no one feels connected, yourself included. So thatās a place where I know more about mitigating this balance (and my own default). Iāll investigate further and see what else I can learn, there.
I was watching a video this morning introducing the new AD of the National Ballet of Canada, and I had a lightbulb moment. In her interview, with the biggest smile on her face, she talked of āā¦the inability to live in the moment because youāre always onto the next thing, and youāre always thinking about how can I do it betterā¦ the elements of care and that responsibilityā¦ itās difficult to live in the moment with it because you always have to be one step ahead.ā YāALL. There it is for me, bright as day, not-now being lauded as caring, responsible, almost sacrificial, with inspirational music tying it up in a nice little palatable bow for investors. Now, to be clear, Iām not running her down, nor am I running down any of the production that went into this interview. Thatās easily me smiling about how I canāt and shouldnāt take a moment of NOW because I āneedā to get out ahead of the next and the next and the next. I am just having a āpay no attention to the man behind the curtainā moment. The invisible ink is appearing. (Nice play, Universe.)
Hence “satisfied and striving,” for me. It’s got to be NOW with eyes toward what’s next. And that’s what’s next in the positive/reach/feels good to grasp direction.
Here’s a great quote we’ll discuss on the Zoom: “I exist in perpetual creative response to whatever is present.” — Amrit Desai
And present is ROLLING. As soon as we put a stake in the ground and declare THIS IS NOW, there’s decay under that spot and it’s past. NOW rolls. š Embrace the Mutable, eh?
Ooh, yes. Definitely looking forward to discussing that quote… it’s got “mutable” written all over it.
I’ve found “NOW rolls” to actually be a bit of a crowbar affirmation for me over the last week. It’s gotten me out of a few loops, and into a little more awareness of how much stake-driving I’m doing. Paired with that fire metaphor, we’re forging over here.
WOW! Loving this convo!
Scheduling question about this monthās EC Zoom: this page and the subsequent Zoom confirmation email say Wednesday July 21st, but the Aligned Hustle Calendar and bonniegillespie.com/events say EC the 22nd (with Astrology for Creatives on the 21st). Just want to be sure I phase in with you all at the right time. š
WOOF. Thank you thank you thank you for this. Both the Zoom *and* this very page were in need of an update. The correct Expansive Capacity meeting info is, Thursday the 22nd at 11:30am PDT. Thank you soooooooo much for pointing this out! (We had originally scheduled Astrology for Creatives on Thursdays and then Rachel needed to shift ’em to Wednesdays… I updated the info at the EVENTS calendar and the Aligned Hustle Calendar… but not here and not at Zoom. Gah!) All fixed now and those of you who have already registered should have an email from the Zoom bots as well. Again, big thanks, Stephanie!
Thank you for confirming.
All good! Zoom bot update successful as well. Just happy to help get us all in the same NOW at the same point in the continuum. š See you live in Leo season… rawr!
Journal prompt 1: Am I surprised about the percentage? Not really. My brain, my thoughts have been all over the place lately, dancing between the past and the future.
Reading this post today reminds me of a friend who wore a rubber band on his wrist which heād snap to bring himself back to the present moment.
Time has felt so slippery since COVID and yet Iām very aware that power can be found in the present moment.
The NOW feels like a clean slate, an expansive canvas.
To be continued.
Ooh, I like this already. YES.
Oof, first thing that came up with the thought of surrendering all past slights was, ābut how do I protect myself from that happening again in the future?? If I donāt hold on to it, it will happen again & it will hurt just as bad or worse because I should have known better.ā
I hold on to every experience to protect myself. To know better for the future. Yet there is not one experience exactly the same & I am different with each new encounter so what does holding on really help? Is it a lack of trust that the lesson wasnāt learned? That I missed something so I have to replay it over & over until I caught it & wonāt make the same mistake?
But what do these feelings attached to the experiences really mean? & thatās where I laugh here bc they donāt mean anything except what I ascribe to them. Iām not the same person I used to be so I can catch on to red flags on boundaries sooner. Iām not as responsive anymore & I trust that Iām safe no matter what others project on to me.
This method has never actually done anything besides cause me to slip in a loop of self-consciousness.
Holding on to & absorbing an experience are different.
I can hold on to what I think will keep me safe or I can trust that I have absorbed what I need to get me through this moment. One method is clenching the stream with fists & the other lets the water flow. I donāt need to carry anything from my past into now.
Yesssssssssssssssssss! There is nothing that holding onto/worrying about/replaying past slights does to prevent future snags. The human brain is designed to run those scenarios “just in case” and while that’s really important when our world is saber-tooth tigers and caves and a life lived within a mile radius, max, it’s not so useful for our expansive, trans-dimensional NOW kind of lives. We used to only ever encounter another couple dozen people in our lifetimes!!! OF COURSE we could use patterns to protect us. Now? It’s like an appendix in many ways; a vestigial organ.
I love the poetry in your words, Bianca. So good. Thank you. I feel you on this Cancer new moon eve.
Wow, Bianca! WOW! Thank you for that imagery!
<3
Journal Prompt One:
50-20% of time our brains are actually in the Now. I find that fascinating and also freeing. As a deep thinker personality type I enjoy my alone time to process and sit with my gut on how things feel. A little gentle reminder to surrender in the now is lovely to try and helps my brain feel at peace.
Journal Prompt Two:
Relationship with Surrender. I attended a work dinner at my survival job and I was asked, “So what have I seen you in?” I proudly said, “A national commercial! :)” One of the guys at the table then asked, “Oh…anything else…or are you just a one hit wonder?” How I surrendered to this. Just breathe. Ego-It doesn’t matter. (Care less) I took a deep breath and dropped into my body. I felt peace within my gut. Let the story be over.
I’m grateful for this community.
Oh, wow, Aaron. I gotta tell ya, MY ego just got real puffed up for you with that story right there. LOL I know you don’t need me to go smack anyone in your life but boy, oh, boy did I feel my mama bear come out just now!! LOL
You did so great! That’s his stuff, not yours. And how BEAUTIFUL that you didn’t feel the need to engage even if ego was begging for it. Just AWESOME. Inspiring.
Thank you for sharing that.
BTW, your ability to sit with your gut on how things feel is something I needed to see/read. I’m trying to do more of that. It’s helpful to know it’s something you do, and I feel such a sense of peace when you’re here. It’s good for me to know those two things could actually be quite related. š
Love you!
Aw thanks, Bon! Love you too! We all learn from one another and itās such a beautiful thing.
Oof. I had to step away after reading this one, Aaronā¦ did I ever feel it resonate with some of my own experiences. Applauding you so hard for sharing that skilful dismount with us, thank you. Proof it can be done!!
Thank you! It definitely can be done!
OMG Aaron, I SO related to this. How many of us have been in the midst of celebrating a success only to have someone try to suck the wind out of our sails? Good for YOU for KNOWING you are enough! And that personās attack says a lot more about them and their internal landscape than it does about you. YOU are a rockstar!
Oh that kick in the stomach AARON – wonderful to have tools – you took care of yourself so well.
I read everything the first day ā love it ā amazed at how your multitasking mind works ā Iāve been embracing NOW and exploring more what NOW is, what I can discover.
āSpent in the now between 50% to 20%ā – hmmm ā Iām been counting the commentator as NOW, Iām not arguing but maybe I could diminish her down to 25%. Iām using narrator to help pass the time in NOW. Surrender is such a beautiful tool, it seems to always feel better when I achieve it ā even bit by bit which is how I usually do it. The list of what we surrender in the moment is five clear points ā I do want to surrender all of them ā life is so much sweeter without those. There is freedom around no stakes ā wow ā Iām ready to grow.
Iāve been spending time in now, the thing Iām most worried about is being bored. A few days ago I had 13,000 steps by 3pm and I thought how in the hell am I going to pass the rest of the day and night till 10:30? It worked out I did some housework and streamed a few episodes, it was easy and a good time. I have a lot of quiet time but I can spend it in past and future thoughts so the quiet time with just NOW leaves me sort without stuff to do. Iāve let things come to me and they are ā people call, things are arranged. Iām showing up.
Itās too slow somehow and I donāt like not thinking how can I control whatās next or I donāt get into fear over it because Iām not thinking of how itās going to be. Well I like not getting into fear about whatās going to happen. Iām exploring this, I know Iām really glad not to be in the NOW all the time.
Judy, have you ever thought about writing an autobiography? Your memoir? I wonder if you could talk into a recording device and tell the story of X, Y, and Z from your life as a Hollywood insider, dialogue coach on a legendary show, guru to tens of thousands, working actress, producer of content… and so so so much more.
Not to give you busywork, just thinking about how even a few stories told here and there throughout the day could both pass the time AND allow you to use some of the NOT NOW time the brain is replaying memories… and who knows, maybe it becomes something yet again you put out in the world to inspire others!
Just some thoughts as I read your lovely words. 13,000 steps?!? WOW!! You inspire me!!
Thatās kind of a brilliant idea, Bon. Just sayinā.
I totally second this! Judy, we need your stories!
I was in an online workshop recently where, during his preamble, the facilitator suggested that finding yourself bored or mentally wandering is just a sign youāve decoupled from your curiosity. Iām paraphrasing, but what an interesting way to open a class and offer a strategy for gently coaxing the mind into the NOW without judgment. I found it a resonant tool to consider; maybe itās resonant for you, too. š
Bonnie, I hope your birthday has been loads of fun ā I love my birthday too ā though at your age I didnāt have an easy time, there were some dark times at 50 and for a few years. At 51 I think was the year I wouldnāt even see my children on my birthday YIKES. Nice to see my growth.
Thanks, and no I donāt want to write about my bio. Iām so happy Iāve left the eBook version of Acting Is Everything, in it Iāve been able to express my spiritual views and share the guidance Iāve received. I donāt spend too much time thinking about the past ā when a memory does pop up to share with someone it is so much fun. Depending on who Iām talking to I can tell as much of the story as I choose. I love it when I can tell naughty stuff thatās why I would never write a bio, I like inside info and Iād never feel comfortable sharing with a general audience. Iām good at coaching standup but I was never good at it myself, I’m not that open, I feel too private. For me my first step is knowing my audience ā Iām grateful for this audience.
Yes, so far this year Iāve averaged 12,600 steps a day. Every morning I wake up with two and a half to three hours of steps that must be walked. Thatās it my obligations for the day or that was it for a year, now I am getting out to planned events I have a walk and lunch today with the Circle group ā it will be great to get some of my steps with other people. Thanks for being impressed itās been a gift to have this task. Iām obsessed and sometimes itās 10pm and I have to go down in the garage and get the last 2,000 steps in. I use the little heart app on the iphone so at random times it pops up with a chart with how Iām doing how I did last week and usually has something that kicks me in the butt competition wise that I have to make up for ā if I just walk the hallway two more times I can get 500 more steps ā you get it.
My mind is pretty quiet and staying in the now makes it even more quiet. Iām on the edge of boredom, itās okay I know I can go off into thinking about other things usually people or situations Iām pondering. Iām just trying to experience more fully right now instead of jumping off into fantasies. I think itās the narrator that keeps wanting to take over.
Iām in that group of people now where no one is dependent on me (Frank will never call again) so thatās eye opening ā Iām also happy Iām not dependent on someone. I donāt want to be checked up on each day yet, maybe I will someday, not today.
STEPHANIE I loved that ādecoupled from your curiosityā that is exactly what happens to me and boredom can happen Iām so afraid of boredom I donāt think I can take it.
Curiosity is action boredom is not. I am going to spend some time today thinking about something in my past that I want to care less about that will take me out of the now but Iāve been wanting to spend some time there in my mind. I like thinking about these targeted concepts they are so simple and complex. Love your mind Bonnie I benefit so much from it.
Aw, thank you, Judy. I’m so glad you enjoy these explorations and take them on so completely. It’s a delight to share this work with you (all of you; but especially you, Judy — tee hee). š
I like thinking of NOW as a way to create space around things we care too much about. That’s where I’ve been employing it the most. It’s helpful! So, I don’t have to stay in the NOW about all things, always, but when there’s something on loop that I care too much about, I can come to the NOW and find myself caring less, just because of that time and space centering.
At least that’s how the workout is going so far.
Yes, my birthday month has been lovely. Thank you.
I’ve had some dark times in the past few years myself and I remember this being a dark time for my mother as well. I’m now at the age where I have the most memories of my mother’s life, since I wasn’t yet old enough to be so out on my own as a teenager not caring what was happening in my mom’s life but I was old enough to really see how much pain she was in or how much joy she was feeling.
Based on what I’m (re-)learning about astrology, there are some very dark transits we all go through from the late 40s into the mid-50s and it’s fascinating to see those patterns and interpret them as The Astrologer’s Daughter now.
Judy, I have to tell you: You inspired me! I was thinking of your daily steps, and I managed to hit over 13,000 today. That was a feat because Iāve only been doing 5-6000, so thank you for the inspiration!
I also love what you wrote about taking steps with others. Thatās lovely.
Yippee love that – Iām addicted to my phone so I count every step. I got a thousand steps the other day changing my own duvet cover.
OMG duvet covers!! Changing them is a FEAT! Have you seen the burrito method? This Game of Thrones-slash-various-birds method is pretty funny.
Bonnie yes thatās what Iām sensing the NOW can help with caring less about the past.
Iām glad my daughters are past that age they did go through things but not as bad as mine. I love we are on the cutting edge by you learning and teaching the new information youāre receiving.
Thinking about the NOW and I’ve discovered an interesting thing — since I’ve had Covid and due to the fact that I had the olfactory disruption-type of Covid (meaning that I lost my sense of taste and smell), one of the long-haul symptoms that I have is random smells that occur throughout the day. For me, thankfully, this is a pleasant smell. But it is definitely NOT anything that’s in my environment and I cannot identify it. It is usually the same thing, over and over. But when it comes it jolts me into the NOW like nothing else. It’s like, “Oh, hello Covid nose!” And I’m right in the NOW immediately. I may go back to thinking about the past or the future or whatever I was doing when it happens, but for that moment it will jolt me into the NOW like nothing else. So, I’m going to be much more cognizant that this can be a wonderful gift — something that will be my daily (and really multi-times a day — it just happened as I was writing this) “come into the NOW Kathi.” (Unfortunately, Dave gets them, too, even though he didn’t lose his taste and smell. Doubly unfortunately his is cigarette smells, which is blech!)
Oh my gosh, I love this, Kathi. (Not the cigarette smells for Dave, though. Ugh. That sucks.) What a WONDERFUL bolt right back into the NOW. Wow. Love.
OMG Bon that Abe clip is just gold! Is it on YouTube in full? I looked for it but could only find a small snippet of the ā No effort is required but it is inspiredā part.
I found this other clip which is so joyful in BEING, which I have to share: āAll I wanna do is play!ā
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PB8HDNysq8
Waking up to this EC post today, Iām aware of so many things: aware of how I have been overloading my schedule to be so busy so Iām distracted from the Now. No wonder Iāve been waking up feeling depressed and depleted.
This sentence helped me realize, āitās time to communicate safety to the amygdala more consistently.ā Itās time to affirm my safety Now.
Your convo with Sheila at the top also helped me realize Iāve been dealing with a lot of trauma lately and that I can start with the simple things to let go of to be here now.
Itās REALLY hard to get out of problem-solving mode, especially when thereās a family crisis. My husbandās family had a traumatic event earlier this year which was revealed to my husband and me a month ago, and it completely took me right back to being 13 and feeling so helpless. I desperately want to help because I see others are hurting, and yet, I took my inspired action, as Abe says, and nothing happened. The adult I took action with was not open to receiving the message, and the kids just want to avoid the pain.
Iām spinning out.
Soā¦ if I Close my eyes. Breathe. And ask: āHowās your wholeness?ā I have that image of the statue with lots of cracks filled with gold from the Broken Pot GIG post. Ok. Iām feeling broken and that means Iāve got to, or I CAN, focus on the light, filling myself up with light. I am safe.
And I realize that that is what I have to do when I spin out and get pulled back into drama / trauma. Breathe. Comfort myself. Be here now, and ātake my island of safety,ā as Louise Hay calls it, with me wherever I go.
One step at a time.
Kintsukuroi is one of my favourite days in the 100, Laura. It’s just so beautifully poignant. Sending you lots of love and light! <3
(Side note: the link you included isn't working for me. It says the video has been removed by the user. Bummer! But "all I have to do is play!" is a lovely mantra!)
Oh shoot, it must have been removed. Such a shame because it was an utter delight! It was the story of a businessman who, Ashe worked with AHās teachings, discovered that all he wanted to do was play!
Iām wondering, since I have been over-working, if it was the .universe reminding me to allow fun and ease in.
Yes. Your island of safety is something you are in charge of and it’s available to you, always and anywhere. Keep reminding yourself you are there.
And forgive yourself for surrounding yourself with distractions and an overloaded schedule, Laura! It’s no different than all the time I drank… I had to (and have to, still) forgive myself for using the best medicine I had to help me with my pain. Your best medicine right now is distractions and an overloaded schedule.
Good job, brain.
And now that you know that medicine is okay in the short term (it’s helping you cope with how out of control you feel about the family situation) but not in the long term (it’s leaving you depressed and depleted), you can make another choice. You can not pick up the Rubik’s Cube. You can be present and enjoy the beauty of the gold woven through your own cracks. (You can’t prevent anyone else’s brokenness, BTW.)
Thank you, Bon, for this.
Good job, brain! Such a good reminder!
Thank you for also reminding me that I cannot control anotherās brokenness or how they choose to heal. I was going to start looking through the EC months because I know thereās one on ācontrol,ā and I know I need to let go in this case.
There really is no choice but to release that control, is there, Laura? I mean, we cannot make others’ choices for them, even when we’re SURE our way would be better. That’s not their journey to have and it’s not ours to dictate.
Remember the line from an earlier Expansive Capacity month: “Allow others the dignity of their own experience.” We cannot be so cocky as to believe WE know better what’s meant to be their life’s path, right?
Realizing I forgot to answer you about the Abe MP3 being avail on YouTube. No… or at least I couldn’t find it there. That’s why we made our own MP3 vid and put it up at Vimeo to share here. I do try to share the YouTube link when there is one. Sometimes some talks just don’t make it out there!!
Thank you, Bon. It was while listening to AH that I remembered to fly above the family trauma (macro?) and that helped me see I cannot walk anyoneās path but my own.
Itās hard when I see someone suffering though, especially if their painful story reminds me of my own. Knowing what has helped me to heal, I try to offer that solution, but I understand now that everyone has to find their own solution. I can share my toys but I cannot force anyone to play with them. š
In Lord of the Rings, thereās a moment where Gandalf tries very hard not to give advice because he doesnāt want to sway a character from their own soulās choice. Free will. Important stuff.
Know that just by being OPEN to your family member who is hurting, you are a magnet for when that opening feels safe. You’re laying the groundwork without insisting on anything. That IS felt.
And yes, the macro. That’s exactly where you went. We can’t live there, of course, but we can get up there now and then to remember that there’s only so much in the micro that is ours to do anyway.
Sending so much love and so many hugs.
Iām curious what you all think about this, but it occurs to me that through Flow Theory, specifically orchestrating oneself into a state of Flow, one can possibly āhackā into NOW. Itās something I have to play with further, and with more intention, but it seems to have a relationship for me. Iāve only noticed I was in NOW when I fell out of that Flow state this week, mind you. (I admit I havenāt been consciously using that theoryās framework either, so Iām back into some habits of falling in/out and overdriving past my 90 minutes. I intend to return to that deep-dive in the Vault.)
Iām finding the last couple days especially have been challenging my NOW work, as a number of small successes over the last week are suddenly adding up and pushing me into momentum again. (Likely a culmination of EC work, morning routine, and Tapping Bootcamp. Of course, itās not one thing you do, itās all the things you do.) There is a tug-of-war inside to stay in the NOW and bask, versus the voice inside me that is certain Iām cruising for an ULP crash and is calling for high-alert. Not now, not now! Thereās that āother shoe droppingā thing again. Itās still scary, but I am able to see it, and it was a delayed onset this time. I chalk that up as a bit of progress. I think I need to double-down on self-care, here. And Rubikās Cube-ing is NOT self-care, dear brain. It definitely feels like the Universe upped my weights on these reps, bringing together the last few monthsā work with yāall. Trying to breathe and stay in it. My āinstinctā is to let myself go silent, small, and fearful as I get closer to that perceived limit, so Iām leaning into the support here and trying to grow anyway. Because itās not āinstinctāā¦ itās a VERY well-conditioned response masquerading as such. Hey, Gloop, hey.
Yesssssssssssss to all of this. Glad you got to Gloop. That was the answer I was crafting as I read the storytelling of that delightful twist and turn in the road to being sure you’re “cruising for an ULP crash” so, yes. That. Well done!
Yes yes yes! You got this, Stephanie!
Stephanie, in trying to find another version of the āplayā video, I found this one in momentum and manifestation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be16XRk7zJs
Since Iād just eat your post above, it made me think of your tug of war, and it helped me remember to trust, to remember it is safe to succeed because weāve already put it out there.
Okay I’m all out of whack – yesterday I became aware of why I’m getting this lesson of NOW now. I realized it during my meditation, the one place that I think I’m in the now for twenty minutes every day guaranteed. No, WRONG! How it happened is – I noticed as I was going into meditation, I was looking for the release of now and floating away – eek – the opposite is supposed to be true, in meditation I’m striving for the most NOW the mind stillness. That’s how I see it – and boy have I fallen down, I’ve gotten lazy somewhere along the line and I’m letting myself drift – I check in but float out again almost immediately.
I’m can be so easy with myself and I’ve stopped making the effort to be present in my meditation, it looks like I’m thinking itās the time spent there not the effort. I need to improve and I can do it. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else but I am my same old self I look for the easy way out. I want meditating to pay off as they say it does so I must and want to put in the effort.
What I like about the NOW and Iām making use of is being more present for each event. I ushered Friday night, saw the play last night and will usher tonight for the outdoor summer youth program and this morning I was at my twice monthly volunteer gig at the Botanical Gardens and Iām there comfortably, fully present, pulling myself back when I start drifting. Being in the now also allows for floods of gratitude to come in. Reminds me of your tattoo Bonnie, I belong here.
Oh, this is juicy, Judy. Sounds like you are very much enjoying the NOW and I’d like to ask, about the meditation, where does the judgment about how you’re doing it come in? Does it show up in that moment, while you’re meditating? Or later as you’re thinking about how meditating is going? I’m curious, because for me, meditation is meant to calm, connect, just BE. And when you mention wanting “meditating to pay off” I wonder what payoff you’re looking for? If you don’t mind sharing, of course. SO glad the ushering is going well and hooray for all the practice you’re getting!! š Love it. Love you!
Judy I would never be able to meditate for that long of a stretch, at least not at this point in my practice. I would drift away too-I already do in my 10 minute ones many times! But I learned from Joseph Goldstein, one of the teachers/guides on my Ten Percent Happier meditation app, that the whole idea IS the noticing when you’ve drifted. That’s it, that’s the work. And then gently guiding my attention back to the breath (or another anchor point), and starting again. And again. When I started to really understand that that wasn’t *failing* and in fact was *succeeding at meditating* it started to feel so much better to me each time. I don’t know how long you’ve had a meditation practice-I’ve only been meditating for a couple of years now, but I honestly don’t know where I’d be without it now. Maybe try to do it for shorter spurts at a time? I usually do 10 mins a day, sometimes twice a day, (as I did for Bon’s June Self Care Challenge!) Looking forward to seeing you again for the Zoom! š
I am very much enjoying this monthās topic, as in recent years, I have personally witnessed just how much cultivating my being present has improved my life through meditation. I learned so much about the simple ability I have, any time I want, to stop, breathe, and get still after seeing an interview a few years ago on Stephen Colbertās old show with Dan Harris, the ABC News correspondent who had a panic attack live on air a few years back, which led him to researching meditation, then led him to writing a book with Jeff Warren (a meditation teacher he met along the way) called āMeditation For Fidgety Skeptics, which changed my life pretty significantly along the lines of Being Here Now. They then launched the app Ten Percent Happier soon after that, which I downloaded and I use it every day, sometimes twice a day. I know that this monthās topic isnāt āmeditationā necessarily, but the easiest way I can find my NOW is by doing it. Itās one of the things that really REALLY helped me through Big Scary We All Gon Die Pandemic 2020.
But like you Bon, even multiple times a day mediations couldnāt stop me from reverting back to some old, well worn and well grooved coping mechanisms, and holy hell is is harder to stop this time, but something about being here NOW also is linked, for me, to a greater ability to treat myself with care. And love. And grace. And forgiveness. And then more love. Which whaddya know, leads to LESS of said coping mechanism. Like you said about your OCD behaviors of late, we were (are) all trying to survive and not die, however that looked to us in the moment.
Bafflingly, having said all that, At 52, (almost 53) years old (!!) I *still* struggle with the notion that I am ārunning out of timeā, that āI wasted so much time on a barstool dreaming instead of doingā etc. etc. That living in the past, that rumination is SO hard to pull myself out of, still. I know that there is nothing I can do to change my actions of the past, so why do I do it? āØAnd playing with the idea that Iāve already met my Baseline Criteria? Itās at once depressing AND kind of freeing, to me, surprisingly. Like we all and Keith talked about last month, what if I/we never get anywhere in my/our acting career? What does that do to identity? To sense of self? And that brings me smack back to NOW. Because my āsense of selfā doesnāt really exist, does itā¦not in a real way. Thatās just a thought, and thoughts are passing, like clouds. What IS real, is my experience, here, NOW. Now aināt that a bitch? lol
I just love this month and canāt wait to see everyone on the Zoom. <3
I love every bit of this, Kellye. Thank you so much for sharing it. YES to all of this and I totally agree about the meditation focus this month seems to have, whether we intended that or not. Gretchen Rubin (of 4 Tendencies fame) interviewed Dan Harris a few years back and I loved hearing his story, especially as relates to how we go on loop for the things we find sticky in our lives (like the pandemic-boosted OCD and other less-best-self behaviors that have kicked in for so many of us). VERY much looking forward to our convo this week! š You inspire me with your commitment to meditating. Truly!
I did my new addition of morning meditation (as a result of your June Challenge btw!) this morning and one of the things I was grateful for? YOU. You have been instrumental in changing my life, bit by bit, and I am profoundly grateful for you and your energy in my life. Just thought that was something you should know. See you Thursday. <3
*hugging myself* This is lovely. Thank you, Kellye. I receive the love and gratitude. (Building my muscle for that.)
Really love your meditation journey, Kellye. I found it so soothing.
Well thank you for asking and Iāll try to explain what my meditation is and what my understanding of it is. Yes KELLYE, the idea is always coming back to the now, to the meditation task(if you will) is always the goal. I say tasks because there are many types of meditations and Iāve tried a lot of them. Currently I use TM I feel shy in saying that because itās not pure, I was taught by a master teacher but he gave me a less formal form that I can use it is a mantra and 20 minutes.
Many of my self-help endeavors during the 80s recommended meditation and I tried but I could never do it Iād scream just trying to pass twenty minutes then finally my husband and I began practicing meditation in 1995 when I started working on āSeinfield.ā My inspiration was Jerry, I admire him deeply, Michael Richards told me about Jerryās meditating and he pointed it out when heād come down from his dressing room for a run-through or show. Michael would be in awe over how Jerry could change himself, be so present. I donāt know if Michael meditated, he seemed as agitated over it as I did but he was a master yoga person ā he could stand on one leg with the other leg pointed straight out for fifteen minutes ā okay! ā thatās how he did all of the physical comedy he was bendable. (I also started yoga.) I donāt remember all my teachers or techniques but always the 20 minutes. I forget how I got used to it I did always set a timer up until two years ago when I started what Iām practicing now. As Iāve said Iāve never felt successful about how I meditate, because Iāve always judged I drift away too much. I could give that judgement up I guess but you see my standards are high. Iām cool with my thinking on all of this and I like how I think about it, it works. I do want to be more present.
The āpayoffā Iām into payoffs. I see and have come to understand and believe that meditating is helpful for my mind, so Iām willing to give my mind that twenty minutes every day. I think I may be saying ā here take these less than perfect 20 minutes and do with it what you can. Ah, another big failure came to mind – my goal is twice a day meditation I have it in my calendar every day at 4 and I may do it a few times a year, on the other hand, I miss just a few a year of my morning meditation. My goals are there, I like not being an over achiever in this area. Iām a rebel so I am going to do it my way or I wonāt do it for long. The payoff maybe is keeping my word to myself. Jerryās payoff he says is to keep him even keel, he doesnāt like ups and downs. He feels he achieves that, I heard him say so in a recent Stephen Colbert interview ā Iām not even yet but Iām much more than I used to be. I look for growth.
No, Iām not loving the NOW I like escape. I realized I was off in my meditation in a flash, which is my favorite. I was starting, getting going, got the mantra, then a flash thought – oh good I can get out of the NOW ā EEK ā what? That was three days ago and I got it ā I see somewhere Iāve really let down in my meditating, by escaping to play in my mind. So, now in the NOW itās more of an effort to get through the time, to keep returning to my mantra, Iām a jumping bean again. I see this is the lesson for me, Iāve got to clean up my meditating.
I donāt know about just being in how you talked about meditation Bonnie, Iām not trying to BE, it’s something else but I don’t know how to say what it is. You asked if I think about my meditations after ā no ā itās a routine task. I do my exercise routine too and Iām coming to much more attention, focus, time in NOW during it. Yes, my exercise routine has been more beneficial with the more focus on NOW while working on my knee health and hip strength. All my morning routine wants to be in the NOW for goodness sake. Love the eye opening, I needed it!
Now Iāve gone on way too long I hope I answered what you were wondering about. Bottom line I must like meditating or I sure as hell wouldnāt do it ā I believe I have payoffs otherwise I wouldnāt do it. Iām glad I have the habit. Iām grateful. Looking forward to the zoom!
Wow what a great story about Michael and Jerry. I’ve heard a little bit about TM (not much) and knew that Jerry has practiced it for a long while. But why do you say it’s not “pure?” I glomped on to that word because it reminded me of a tendency I have to not do a thing if I think I will not do that thing “correctly” or “the right way”, and all that’s done is keep me from some pretty cool experiences, if I could just let go and take small steps if that’s all I can do at the moment. The teachers I listen to on Ten Percent Happier always seem to stress that ANY amount of presence, any amount of time spent cultivating a meditation practice is good. “Enough”, if you will. Maybe you meant something else but boy do I struggle with doing something in the “purest/best” way haha.
Ah, I know that feeling, Kellye. I tend to attribute that to my Virgo-ness, but I’ve got a deep-running vein of perfectionism that puts her critical nature on overdrive. Likely something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life, especially since I was lauded as a kid for it- my teachers literally told me for years it was one of my best traits, not realizing they were feeding a wolf in the sheep’s clothing of “I always do my best”. Now I see it, so now I can heal it. I am actively removing “do your best” from my vocabulary all together… it’s a trap for me in a similar way to what I think you’re describing. I’m not sure any of that helps, other than knowing you’re not alone in that tendency. NTS says you’re right about ANY amount of presence being GOOD for us. š
Haha I’m a Virgo too Stephanie so totally checks out. lol
And Deprogramming is necessary work, 100%. Solidarity sister. š
Yes Kellye, I gave up doing it perfectly, I surrendered before I started,. I haven’t talked about my meditating or been able to teach anything about it because I can’t pass on “pure” info yes I care about “pure” but I accept I can’t be “pure” in my meditation – I couldn’t pass a test or even as you see talk about it and I’ve given myself a slide all over the place in this area – I don’t have to be pure nor is that even anything I go for. It’s the only place I can do this in my life.
When I started in 1995 I didn’t get TM just couldn’t do it drove me crazy so I used other ways – following guided meditations, doing a type of breathing thing, a counting thing. When my life changed a couple of years ago I saw a therapist a few times to get through it – then there was another grief and I saw him a few times again. It so happens he is a master TM teacher guide and encouraged me to try it he could help me find my way. I meditated with him a few times he gave me my mantra. It feels like home and I believe I’m better at this type of meditation than I’ve been with anything before. I’m blown away I just counted up the years – I’ve been meditating over twenty five years wow. I love it took 23 years to get to this more comfortable spot and the type I was going for when I started out. Before this moment I haven’t thought about how long I’ve been at this, I’m laughing and I still don’t think I’m good – that’s funny. Okay whatever the rules are I don’t follow them well unless I want to.
I’m laughing more because in the beginning I heard somewhere it takes 15 years to get good at meditation that’s why I gave myself a slide I didn’t have to go for being good which is usually my goal because at the time I don’t think I’d actually do it for 15 years for god’s sake. And it’s now ten years more obviously I don’t think about this much I just do it. Hugs
Love how Iāve been thinking about meditating. Iām so grateful for my practice I believe it is what allowed me to live again after my husband died suddenly. For about four months several times a day maybe four I would spend the twenty minutes in grief allowing all the pain in, which doesnāt last 20 minutes then just tolerating the now. Still hard to express my thoughts but I guess I want to validate that meditation has definitely been a valuable lifeās tool for me.
I love that Desai quote, but Iām still playing with how I can yes-and it. I waffled about posting, but hey, this is an ongoing convo space. š One thought that came up in my journal was that my work requires more structure and preparation to be open/safe enough to sit in perpetual presence. Iām weaving in some woo:
This quote feels like it should be a mutableās jam, and yet Iām wrestling (with myself, it seems). An inner voice is on loop over how I can be more mutable. Iāve come to see thatās not the right question, actually. You wrote in your blog, Bon, that āā¦Virgo absolutely adores order and pragmatismā¦ because when everything is as it should be, they feel so good going with the flow.ā Though I have a whole lotta mutable placements, I think itās her thatās holding back. My clue? Iām catching myself trying to lock everything down and control, especially over the last few days. Ah ha. Maybe not a big fancy breakthrough, but an awareness Iāve opened up to. And a sabotage/warning light Iām starting to recognize from riding close to an ULP edge for a couple weeks. When everything isnāt in aligned order (a form of control), then I grasp at lockdown-control. The metaphor that comes to mind is anchoring a boat versus turning the bow into the waves. Both keep the boat under a form of control, but only one does so responsively.
So, a different question Iām asking myself: how can I design a better preparatory structure so I can access my innate free state safely? Segment-intending, perhaps (though Iām afraid this could turn into schedule-and-control). Literal warm ups from Flow Theory. Maybe an afternoon routine to compliment the morning routine until this is shored up. I know I have these tools from the last few months, and I have practice using them, I just think I need to do a more appropriate āmise en placeā first. (Culinary metaphor dedication to you, Connie. š )
For sure if it feels like you’d turn something meant to be container-keeping into a fixed schedule/control instrument, hold off on trying the Segment Intending for now. I like that it has no start or stop TIME… it is event based, and sometimes the event is that the Zoom is over. Sometimes it’s that I’m in a mood and I’m ready to call it done and shift gears. TIME is rarely a part of segment intending for me. See if that helps with the type of mutability to lean into.
Re: mutability, for me, I’ve noticed it’s the Jupiter-ruled mutables I’m leaning into. No offense to the Mercury-ruled mutables (I mean, I’ve got some major Mercury action in my chart, so its dominance is not something I hate), but the Mercury-ruled mutables are more BRAINY and that doesn’t help me, when I’m trying to be flexible, lean into FLOW, just BE. Allow. Good stuff like that.
The Jupiter-ruled mutables, however, are expansive and seeking and exploring and allowing and flowy in a way that I’d like to be. No neck-up overthinking or monkey-mind chatter. Just reaching and exploring and allowing and fluidity that feels really good to me.
When I realized my quest for leaning into mutability was not ALL mutables, it shifted a lot for me. No shade to Virgo, but she likes to notice EVERYTHING and my OCD needs some time off. List-making is not my friend when it comes to being my most expansive self, allowing for ease, getting out of those bad neighborhoods that end up being dark and heavy. List-making exacerbates much of what hurts me… so the “I’m already so very brainy” setpoint of Virgo (and Gemini) doesn’t serve me as well as the “I’m opening my brain for explore what new might come in” setpoint of Sagittarius and Pisces does.
See if that helps.
Yep. I think itās too easy to slip into right this moment; thereās a lot of controlling that wants to happen and I know I donāt do well when I trap myself. Time is a sticky one for me when I get into this neighborhood. When Iām on a safer street, Iāll try the removal of time as a segment post. It feels like itāll help.
And yes, my Virgo concurs. She knows sheās a lot, lol. I think that Mercury energy is running extra hot with the slew of transits Iām going through, too. But thatās interesting, focusing more on the Jupiter-ruled mutables specifically. Iāll see if I can key into my Sag stellium a little more, somehow. With a Pisces North Node, Iām supposed to learn this letting go anyway. š
Thank you, thank you!
Duuuuuuude. Listening back to my amazing coach Natalie’s podcast from a few months back. This is so good and all about the NOW.