Expansive Capacity – June 2021

with 120 Comments in Expansive Capacity

Hello you beautiful people. It’s time to dive in on our topic for June!

ADMIN NOTE: Please scroll to the end of this month’s lesson for information about our live interactive mastermind meeting via Zoom. Once the meeting has taken place, its recording will live down there for you to review as well.

This month is all about Your Relationship with Caring Less. I’ve gotta tell ya, this one is gonna be TOUGH for me. Letting Keith take the lead in our work here this month is easy simply because I don’t even know where to START to come up with how to care less.

As I write this, I’m staring down the business end of a really weird thing in my Instagram DMs.

Click to enbiggen.Last exchange with this person — a colleague I’ve Zoomed with as a fellow entrepreneur, a business person I’ve bought from, a person I’ve never had anything but “normal” and not excessively friendly interactions with — was a month ago, when I asked how her latest event went, because it looked so great from where I sat. And then… this.

Okay.

So, it’s not my birthday. There’s that. She’s got to be thinking about someone else.

I never followed her on Instagram to begin with. I’m suuuuuuper stingy with my follows. Like, 50 at Twitter, a sweet 111 at Clubhouse, under 200 at Instagram. I just don’t follow many people — because I’m an upholder and therefore believe I have to see every. single. thing. everyone I follow shares (and comment thoughtfully, much of the time) so low follows help me keep upholding that “rule” without being totally burned out or overwhelmed. I can go drop IN on people I don’t follow and connect authentically. I can see more folks than those I follow thanks to hashtags. All good.

I famously “have no friends” at Facebook. I’ve proudly shared about my very stripped-down Facebook account for years. I hit the 5000 friend limit shortly after I joined Facebook in 2008. In 2010, I declared a friendsless state and never looked back.

So, again, she’s thinking about someone else, right? I never UNfollowed her or DEfriended her because I never followed/friended to begin with.

BUT.

On this particular day, I did change out my Facebook profile photo from the beloved selfie with Liz Gilbert in Fiji (RIP, February 2020… we had such high hopes for how the rest of that year was gonna play out) for a selfie I took a few weeks ago, titled “This is 50.” Ah! Hang on! If she follows my public activity at my Facebook account (which a bunch o’ people do, even though seriously NOTHING happens at that account), she got pinged that I added a photo called “This is 50” and that *could* make someone think it’s my birthday. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Not sure why they’d make that assumption; I am the age I am for a whole year, not just on my birthday. I mean… I uploaded a photo called “This is 48” months after I turned 48. I’m currently just under two months away from 51. I name my photos this way so I remember what age I was when I took them, in case I’m ever curious. Also I use them for my Sum of All Years annual blog post tradition.

But okay, this could explain why she wished me a happy birthday… and how she would notice I wasn’t her Facebook friend “anymore” (again, never was… but I am now beginning to see why it is she would wish me a happy birthday and then say I defriended her). And probably, she took to Instagram to do the DM since she knows that’s where we have an exchange going… and when she went to my profile, she saw I wasn’t following her and decided that meant I had unfollowed her.

Okay. It’s making sense why this is in my DMs right now. I can make the series of her-POV-misunderstandings of how I use social media make sense.

I go to her profile to see her latest post and stories. Maybe she’s going through some stuff and I need to be extra gentle with her right now. There is some big astro happening and certainly I don’t want to come at someone hard (natal Mars/Mercury conjunction… I have no chill if I don’t *really* work to count to ten — especially as RIGHT NOW I’m going through my Mars return; it’s EXTRA) just because they’ve made some whopping assumptions.

Oh, wait. She has… BLOCKED ME??? What the fuck? What is going ON?!? Let me be sure she has blocked me. Let me go to a web browser that’s not logged in at Instagram, go to her profile to be sure it’s not having a glitch. Nope. It’s fine. She has blocked me. For sure. So… even though she has asked for an explanation, um, she can’t receive one. Maybe I’d better email her. Yes. Let me do that.

Because… there’s a LOT of fixing I have to do to get all of this straightened out, right?

Yeah.

As I write this, this particular non-issue has taken up the better part of 4 hours. When I have a whole bunch of far more important things to do.

I have lives to change. I have things to build. I have my own inner healing work to do. I have MY LIFE to live, my relationships to manage, my dreams to energize. And here I am spending a LOT of time working the Rubik’s Cube of all the combinations and permutations of how we got here and possible ways to solve this problem that someone I’m not even legit FRIENDS with exploded into my life via IG DMs.

I have let a totally random interruption that has zero chance of affecting my professional reputation, harming my business, hurting me personally, impacting my life in any significant way occupy HOURS… and I can guarantee y’all I will continue to work this Rubik’s Cube of combinations and permutations of how we got here and possible ways to solve this problem for not just more hours, not just more days, but probably weeks or even months… especially if there’s no resolution. (Open tickets fucking SUUUUUUCK.)

Try as I might, I can’t care less about this. Because, well… I care.

I care that she’s wrong about me.
I care that she has jumped to conclusions.
I care that she’s hurting.
I care that she has blocked me after inviting clarity.
I care that she’s telling a really mean story about me in her head.

Um… I care a lot.

So, knowing Keith is working on his part of the curriculum, I asked him, “How do I care less about this?” And in having the conversation that sprung from that question, we got me clear on a few things that make CARING LESS sooooooooo much of a tangle.

There’s the “they’re wrong” of it all. Gotta fix that.
There’s the “they’re hurting” of it all. I have empathy.
There’s the “they’re not allowing connection” of it all. I’m powerless.

Keith asked me to consider how I would feel if I noticed someone I thought was following me was no longer following me, anywhere on social.

I legit cannot even fathom noticing — much less caring — that someone has stopped following me on social.

Keith asked, “Can you assume that’s how she feels about it too?” And of course I cannot because I have evidence in my DMs (and I’m now effin’ BLOCKED) to back up that she doesn’t feel that glorious shrug of indifference that I feel about such things… and she has thousands more followers than *I* do (so it’s not like an unfollow has a big impact on her… not that I was ever following her to begin with).

“Her feelings are hurt,” I said. (And she got those feelings hurt by something she thinks I did.) “I want to soothe her. I feel empathy,” I said. (And I really want the record to show that she hurt herself with information that has been readily available for the entire history of our relationship.) “I can stop this pain she’s having!” I said. (Hmm… she created the pain all by herself, yet I’m certain I am the medicine for it.)

Check out the big-ass ego on Bon!

I don’t have the answer on this. I’m reminded of the time one of you glorious ninjas came over to our home — filled with tchotchkes with varying levels of sentimental value — and said, “Aw, you attach feelings to things.” (Such an Aquarius!)

I’ll never forget the gift that this deadpanly-delivered line became that day. When I gleefully declutter and feel myself really WANTING to keep something because of its sentimental value, I’ll hear her say, “Aw, you attach feelings to things,” and ask myself whether I can let go of that attachment *I* have created. Sometimes I can, sometimes I cannot.

I don’t yet have the mind-taffy/Rubik’s Cube/random misunderstanding combined with communication being cut off/open ticket version of, “Aw, you attach feelings to things,” but I’m hopeful by the end of this month that I might have some tools that help me soften issues like this. I’m hoping that for all of us, always, with this work, of course.

Click to enbiggen this aligned share from Stephanie Bergeron.Something about even putting this much scrutiny — in front of others, in particular — on this issue is helping me see the ridiculousness of caring so much about it. Let’s see what comes next!

* * *Hey everyone… Keith here. Wow… caring less… where do I start?

I never know how to talk to people. I grew up in a house with few words. Some may choose label my behavior socially awkward. I’ll go with that. I grew up in a world where the anticipation of the intent or idea was enough for communication, and we rarely needed to finish sentences. So I don’t tend to. My statements and comments tend to fade out at the end, or I’ll end with something like, “so… yeah,” because the idea I put forth may have 37 ramifications. I mean all of them, and if you grew up in my household, you’d be able to catch most of them. I have a strong muscle for vagaries.

I also don’t need other people to finish theirs. I intuit the many ramifications of someone’s idea, maybe some they didn’t get themselves (which is why/how I’m so good at reading people). I often jump to their most probable outcomes and “yes, and…” them because I can’t help but interrupt for the purpose of co-creating. It is one of the most frustrating things about trying to have a conversation with me… just ask Bonnie.

When I do talk, I tend to talk in circles. For me, ideas connect in contextual ways to other ideas which connect and provide foundations for still other ideas, which end up providing context and foundations for the original ideas… and everything weaves together in a messy web of interconnections. My world is connected in ways that make communicating simple ideas a very round-and-round thing. Again, bless her bones, I can be frustrating to talk with.

So now that I’ve put down a foundation for this discussion, I want you all to understand that what I’m about to say will be utterly incomplete, and I don’t care. We’ll clarify and empower and embolden in the comments, the way all learning and growth should happen.

Everyone reading this has heard of the idea of care less, and we find that we’ve been able to apply some aspects of it in some parts of our lives. Then we find places where caring less about something feels like death to us. We tend to get stuck in such places, don’t we.

What I’m going to do is lay out a bunch of notions that are also, at their cores, variations on care less, and we’re going to look at Day 4 of the 100 Days. We’re going to identify areas in our experience where we’ve got skill at caring less and letting go, and use our strength and understanding in those areas… using those strong care less muscles to leverage the growth and strengthening of care less attitudes in the parts of our lives we struggle with.

This technique should be new to no one. If it is, comment below, and we’ll expound on it.

So now let me shock you… okay, likely not a shock… most of the things I’ve helped bring into the Bonniverse are variations on care less. Here’s a non-exclusive list that we’ll use for context.

Growing Up — Remember when you stubbed your toe as a child, and it was the worst-pain-you-ever-felt-in-your-life (tm). Remember stubbing your toe as an adult? The things that were a big deal as a youngling became not-so-big when you developed some perspective. When your perspective shifts, you don’t care as much about some things as you once did. So don’t care less about a thing, just change your perspective on it so that it’s not such a big deal.
The Power of “Meh” — Know that this is nothing more than a physical and vocal execution of caring less. It’s looking at the situation, evaluating it, and then shrugging your shoulders and saying, “Meh.” It’s involving more senses in the exercise of caring less and thus makes it a better training exercise than not doing it (education science has shown that the more senses we use to learn a thing, the better we learn it). So don’t care less about a thing, just evaluate it, shrug your shoulders (and maybe lift up your hands a bit) and say, “Meh.”
Forgiveness is caring less about the hurt you received from another (or yourself). So don’t care less about a thing, consider forgiving the universe (or yourself) for whatever’s holding you back (whatever you care so much about).
Launch at 85% is the definition of caring less about something you’re doing, getting it out there before it’s finished, because getting it out there in some form is more important than it being finished. So don’t care less about a thing, just know that getting it out imperfect is better than not getting it out.
Friends vs. Colleagues is caring less about a relationship because of the potential pain involved. So don’t care less about a thing, tell that thing that it’s a colleague not a friend, and treat it professionally like you would the colleague that it is.
Dispassionate Labeling — Look at that first word… it literally means “CARE LESS”… dis means “not so much” and passionate means feelings/concerns/cares. So don’t care less about a thing, dispassionately approach the thing and label it properly.
Appreciation vs. Judgment — Along the same lines, I have periodically mentioned the idea that the world needs more appreciation and less judgment… with appreciation being judgment minus the emotional connection. Evaluate without adding the “goodness” or “badness” aspect. Recognize the qualities of a thing (appreciate) without tacking on a moral conclusion (judgment). So don’t care less about a thing. Appreciate the thing, but don’t judge it or yourself with regard to the thing.
Zen and the Tao are all about being less actively concerned with, well, everything. Zen is about being at one with the universe and Taoism is about understanding yourself and choosing to be that which you understand. So don’t care less about a thing, just go with the flow and it’ll work itself out the way the universe allows.
The Eternal Now of Dog Time — Similar to Zen and Taoism, we can use dog time to mitigate the hold on us of things we can’t affect. By living fully in the present, we release the emotional hold the past has on us. So don’t care less about a thing, just know that in dog time, that thing is forgotten into nonexistence.
If Baseline Criteria isn’t an utterly refined tool for caring less, then you don’t understand it. “All I need to do for this evening to be a success is A, B, and C. Once I get those things done, my evening is a complete success and everything else is gravy… or I can just leave.” All we do care about is A, B, and C. Everything else, we DO NOT CARE ABOUT… more correctly, we care less about anything that is not A, B, or C. So don’t care less about a thing, just set your baseline criteria such that accomplishing the baseline is doable.
Lastly, I want to throw this out there for us to play with… enoughness can be defined as caring less about the need for validation (internal or external). Things we feel high enoughness about, situations we feel high enoughness in, don’t tend to trigger the negative aspects of caring about things that get triggered when we’re not feeling enough. When we are enough, our caring about the thing doesn’t paralyze us. Enoughness is a great tool to use in combating caring too much. We can always try to borrow enoughness from other parts of our lives.

When you find yourself in a situation in which caring about a thing has become poisonous to you (we talked about the definition of poison in Day 4 of the EC orientation), see if leveraging one of these other care less tools can help you out. And if you find those tools not working for you, here’s my best tool.

Then of course, remember to celebrate your forward motion.

Now here’s the trap most people fall into when they think about (and judge rather than appreciate) caring less. Caring less may seem like it means that you’re not putting enough effort into a thing, that if you cared more, you’d put more effort into whatever the thing is. That’s not really true most of the time. And I’ll illustrate the truth of that statement by letting you know that I wrote this post only after I stopped caring so much about giving you my best work. I could only start writing when I cared less about what the finished product would be… how long it’d be… how comprehensive it’d be.

I wanted to put my understanding of the power of “care less” into this document, but the way my brain works doesn’t lend itself to coherently outputting organized, optimized, concise ideas (see, this is a callback to the start of the piece… cool, right? I know, I’m cool). For me, ideas are complete, circular, globular, all-encompassing things that only make sense if you understand the contextual clues that come with understanding all the ideas that led to the idea… and I knew I’d never be able to provide you all the context of all the ideas that I’ve ever had that led me to understand the true power of care less.

But as it turns out, doing all that work is a non-starter. It’d take a lifetime. The only way you guys were going to get anything out of me was for me to care less about what I delivered. And that’s one of the big powers of care less. It can allow you to start something that you know won’t be right or true or even good… but that “lesser thing” that you can deliver if you would just care less about it is always far greater than that wonderful, spectacular, amazing thing you never started because you cared too much about how it should turn out.

* * *All right, folks. That’s a healthy list of tools for caring less and — like most resources we provide — those tools will provide a different level of impact at different times in your life, in dealing with different situations.

Share below which of the above tool(s) feel(s) the most intriguing for you to play with this month. I’m not going to give you a specific number of days you’ll need to try out any specific number of these. You do what feels like love. 🙂

For me, I’m going to start with committing to building the muscle for FRIENDS VS. COLLEAGUES and THE ETERNAL NOW OF DOG TIME for soothing how I’ve been feeling as I’ve cared oh, so much about the IG DM situation I kicked off this month’s lesson sharing.

I’ll remind myself that this relationship was — before that DM hit — clearly in the colleagues space in my brain’s filing system, and just because that DM created “the need to tend to her feelings” in me in a way that stretched beyond how I would normally behave with a colleague doesn’t mean this is, was, or would ever be a FRIEND… which means I can care less both about “what I did” (which is nothing) and “what she thinks of me” (which we can never control about anyone, whether they’re a friend, a colleague, or anyone else).

Next, here and now is all we have and most of caring “too much” comes from being stuck in a moment that has passed or having concern over a consequence that’s yet to come (and may never come). I’ll stay in the NOW, reminding myself that whatever happened that led up to that DM happened long ago and can’t be changed. What she’s going to feel about it, think about it, say about it, whatever, is all stuff I don’t control and if I imagine this middle-aged woman with tens of thousands of Instagram followers telling the story of “Bad Bonnie Gillespie defriended me” or whatever her spin is on this, that’s all future stuff there’s no “getting out ahead of” by the CARING that I’m doing right now.

I know I can do a good job of deciding, “No! Right now! NOW NOW NOW I care a lot!” and that’s simply the act of my continuing to use a muscle that, well, has a little bit of Gloop action to it, wouldn’t you say? (Revisit last month for more on Gloop.)

So, folks, that’s right, the biggie tool I’ll use with this is last month’s trick-or-treater for brain chemicals, good ol’ Gloop in a new costume, only this time each new costume is all the different ways I’m trying to scenario-run on this issue and how it became an issue. It’s all Gloop. It’s all greedy trick-or-treating. It’s all a means of getting that good, juicy brain chemistry that keeps us in fight-or-flight, even over NOTHING.

And in the end, caring “too much” is all just a bunch of brain chemistry attached to STUFF we haven’t figured out how to declutter.

My recipe for “care less” experimentation this month:

Friends vs. Colleagues.
The Eternal Now of Dog Time.
Gloop.

Share yours below!

Happy decluttering, y’all! I look forward to undertaking this experiment with y’all!

Aligned Hustle Calendar

Click to grab your PDF.In honor of exercising my “care less” muscles — especially after a beautiful yet brutal SMFA Summit experience — I will be showing you my Aligned Advantage member and Mercury retrograde webinar co-host Marie Watkins’ brilliant sum-up of the GSD days (she does this every month after our deep-dive on the calendar in Aligned Advantage). She also uses planetary days to help align all the goodness.

Click to enbiggen.

Click to enbiggen.I am also officially sundowning our Woo-Woo Wednesday and Superpower Sunday features. Thank you for welcoming my growth, even as it takes the shape of pruning. I’m happy to answer any questions about this that you may have. I suspect we’ll chat a bit about it all during this month’s Zoom, too. 😉

All my ninja love,

Bon Sig

Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Friday, June 18th, at 1pm PDT. Translate that to your time zone here.

After you register, you will receive an email from Zoom with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!

Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. 😉

If somehow you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.

Here is the replay of our June 18, 2021 deep dive. Enjoy!

The ridiculously amazing chat is here. Seriously inspiring stuff, all the way around. Wow. I love y’all. I love US! 🙂 So good together.

As we finish up our look at Your Relationship with Caring Less, here are some prompts for you to play with in your journal and/or below in the comments.

~ Clock whether you’re caring about things you actually even have control over, ultimately, or just giving away a ton of energy to something you do not at all have the ability to influence, reasonably. Just turn the dial DOWN on that. My go-to is the breath/the beat before deciding to care: “Is this instinct to CARE a sign of low enoughness?” If it is, the work is not caring; it’s enoughness-fortifying. And we have lots of tools for that. Caring will never fix a “problem” that is enoughness-based. This bit of labeling is a game-changer.

~ As Keith said, “If at first you don’t succeed, lower your standards.” My take on this is, “Live as if you’ve already accomplished Baseline Criteria for your LIFE (or in this area). Everything else is Bonus Points.” This is incredibly freeing and we don’t have to wait ’til we have a near-death experience or a horrific breakup or a bank account wipe-out or anything else. We can choose to try this experiment today.

~ Want everything; need nothing. We dug in on the distinction in this a while back. It’s pretty granular, but it’s really helpful. When we enjoy our wants — because to strive for that basket from the three-point line feels so good — and release needs, we can begin to care only about those 5 core things Liz Gilbert talked about. And that’s when we can reduce anxiety, relax, and live with freedom.

~ Consider this: Someone is thinking [INSERT NEGATIVE, WRONG, BAD THING] about you right now. Right this second, probably more than ONE someone is thinking wrong stuff about you. Yup. This is going on and you may never even find out about it. Or if you do find out, it’s LONG after the opinion was developed and established and momentum-garnered. Similarly, someone out there is thinking [INSERT POSITIVE, ALSO WRONG, REALLY GREAT THING] about you right now. Are you desperate to run around correcting people from saying really AWESOME wrong things about you? Not so much, right? How do you care less about things YOU have placed a judgment on as NOT wrong or NOT bad? This proves you CAN care less. Cool. Now do it about something that feels less comfortable to primal brain and its need to stay safe. (Good job, Gloop. You’re very clever.) Oh, on this, the Lorimer Moseley TED Talk I mentioned about “Why Things Hurt” is here. The brain is so very GOOD at this.

~ Give up being right. Remember that lovely Judy shared: “You can be right or you can be happy.” It sucks to not get to be right (see: dishwasher efficiency). But it sucks more to not get to be happy. And WE control our happiness… and we get more of it… when we retire from the need to be RIGHT. (Everything in my Virgo 12th house is DYING typing this. My goal for future me is to stop correcting the misspellings of the word whoa. There. I said it.)

Next month’s focus: Your Relationship with NOW. Totally putting NOW in all caps. Ready for something pretty funny? Each topic in Expansive Capacity is a folder on my computer. I have dozens of folders, each filled with a collection of tools and images and resources and half-fleshed-out thoughts about the topic. The folder for Your Relationship with Caring Less is actually labeled “caring too much, presence, mindfulness” — and that’s what it’s been called since I created it more than 2 years ago. NOW is already a part of caring less. How ’bout that?

I’m so excited for where we’ll go with this next, my lovebugs. I really do cherish you all. Fully, completely, and so deeply. “Cherish” may seem like a workaround on the “we can only care about 5 things” setting. I’ll take it. 😉 I love and cherish you all. THANK YOU for the workout you continue to invite me to be a part of. I’m so inspired by you!

And of course, any questions for us, pop ’em in below! The workout you take part in here is a part of the inner work taking root. I so appreciate you all for being here for one another and for showing up for yourselves! Like it or not, I care a lot about y’all and the work you’re doing. 😉 So much love flowing your way!

Bonnie G June 1, 2021 at 1:41 am

REvisiting (RE- for retrograde) last month’s vid and REminding myself about Stephanie’s prompt for being bold, audacious, brazen, etc., enough to expect joy to meet her in the morning. I am committed to — every morning of June — waking up expecting joy to meet me. And caring less about both all the things that want to Gloop in for my attention before I receive that joy *and* whether I succeed at this self-challenge.

Sharing for commitment to self and whatever it might do to/for y’all to see it too. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

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1. Stephanie Bergeron June 2, 2021 at 4:44 pm
  
  I scored a fleeting moment of a win this morning… I caught joy on an exhale as I woke up, just before my multi-track chatter machine of a mind revved into gear. It’s FAST (you know how charged my Mercury is under the hood). But I got out ahead of the startup program, so now it’s actually possible. Standing right there with you at the Joy Terminal! “Now arriving…”
  
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  1. Bonnie G June 2, 2021 at 9:06 pm
    
    Very much Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule stuff, huh? We really *do* have to get out ahead of some of that tricky, lightning-fast brain action (especially if we’ve been rewarded for it being so fast so much of our lives). Glad you’re ready to board the Joy Express!
    
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  2. Kimberly Logan June 28, 2021 at 1:34 pm
    
    Just watched the replay and had to tell you that I love the sweater/cape, whatever you were wearing. The self-hug at the end with the ‘feathers’ wrapping around you reminded me of a beautiful owl or eagle protecting its family. Little moment of joy, thanks to you.
    
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    1. Stephanie Bergeron June 28, 2021 at 7:09 pm
      
      Aw, that warms my heart, Kimberly! And thank you! <3 I so love that image of the protective eagle and owl, it feels really good… ahhh. Thanks for that joy right back.
      
      It's actually a shawl made by an independent artist in Australia. I fell in love with it both as an image of being held and of spreading my wings. <3
      
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JudyKerr June 1, 2021 at 6:52 am

Keith I needed that Bob Newhart laugh so much! Yes just stop it I’m still laughing because bottom line that’s the answer.

So much to absorb and revisit I can do better about caring less.

Keith it was so interesting reading how your brain works that you actually have an understanding of how it works is fascinating. It’s hard to talk about for me so glad you cared less and went for it.

Bonnie I would be absolutely insane over that Instagram issue I had a thing like that years ago it still haunts me. Yes care less. Love having these tools lined up and I’m going to make some big strides this month. I’m going for forgiveness – right now I’m focusing on blessings on the people/issues I need to forgive and that seems to be helping me get to the forgiveness I’m in the process of caring less.

Eager to hear more of your Summit experience. I love you both so much thanks for this caring less guidance I will be studying it all month.

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1. Bonnie G June 1, 2021 at 3:33 pm
  
  I’m so happy to share the behind the scenes of the SMFA Summit “failure.” Of course, anything that’s that big of a give to the people we love so much is never a failure. It’s just stinging, financially, energetically, and emotionally.
  
  And honestly, CARE LESS is somehow *easier* about the summit than it is about the crazy Instagram DM thing.
  
  SUCH A GLOOP!!!!!
  
  Glad you’re loving the Bob Newhart MadTV clip. It’s a big player in our lives. It just really works. And OMG what a legend of comedy he is!
  
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  1. JudyKerr June 2, 2021 at 3:06 pm
    
    I’ve seen you go through bumpy things and triumph many, many times. I’m looking forward to a time from now when you will teach from what you learned during the brilliant Summit. My FB issue was/is an actress who had written me a heartfelt note I didn’t see and then she wrote saying I just took her money and didn’t believe in her – that I did see but she had blocked me and disappeared. It wasn’t true of course she had been so special and dear to me, we had shared much more than just class. I tried to find her for years but I don’t try anymore it still kills me in a little place in my heart.
    
    I want to pour out all the reasons I care so much – but I’m afraid bottom line it’s ego, being right, looking bad. Frank passed on April 7 and it’s time to let go of the awful feelings I still have about his children. I’ve intellectualized it I’ve made all the sense of it, I’ve put in the work now it is a surrender. Forgiveness is my tool. While we were working on joy I started sending blessings to them it’s softened me some. I added a new tool today a song I’ve been playing it over and over and crying it’s helping me to see I can let go, my brain can let go of this anger and resentment. I need the crying I haven’t really cried hard that Frank is gone he lived way past what I could stand for myself, he’s at peace and I will be too. I was there for him every time he reached out. Keith said forgive yourself too. So it’s just three people and me somehow giving it a number is good.
    
    Stephen Colbert last night asked John Kransinski if he had only one song to listen to for the rest of his life what would it be. John said Bobby Darin’s The Curtain Falls. I downloaded the live version, I love it and there is wonderful applause at the end and I let it play through to the last clap. Even writing about it I’m crying – yes it’s time I can let the curtain fall.
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 2, 2021 at 9:22 pm
      
      Today Venus moved into Cancer, Judy. And that means a very sweet, soft, tender heart for a few weeks. Really allow that emotion you’re feeling. It’s a glorious time to do the forgiveness work.
      
      When you know it’s ego (“I don’t like what they think about me. They are wrong and I want to fix that”), the forgiveness needs to be of OURSELVES for feeling so important. Especially for me, I’ll turn it over and over and over in my head forEVER… and I know — I KNOW — they give it nowhere close to as much a thought. If they EVER think about me, it’s a float-in-float-out thought with a quick scowl for whatever it is they’re wrong about me, and then it’s over.
      
      So forgiving myself for thinking I’m taking up THAT MUCH SPACE in their heart? That’s the work. For me anyway.
      
      I’ll ask you, Judy, to soften your words about the student whose first message you didn’t see. “It still kills me in a little place in my heart,” you said. That’s a drop of poison in your heart. Could you try, “It still tugs at me,” or, “It still causes me stress,” rather than “kills me”? Just to be gentler to your heart and what it must take on?
      
      SENDING YOU A HUG and I hope you’re hugging yourself as we tackle this work together! It’s good stuff!
      
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DayeanneHutton June 1, 2021 at 11:29 am

Oh my goodness this was lovely. I use Launch at 85% CONSTANTLY as a content creator and I’m just gunna keep on keeping on with that one. I think I’ll add The Power of “Meh” and Appreciation vs Judgement into the mix as well for the month! Thank you Keith!!!

Also Bonnie why does “Aw, you attach feelings to things.” sound just like Amber? LOL

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1. Bonnie G June 1, 2021 at 3:02 pm
  
  Fellow Aquarius TOTALLY spotting your sister’s words and phrasing!! LOL Totally.
  
  Glad you’re leaning on existing strengths (content creator Daye) to build up the “care less” muscle in other areas. Great additions too. Woo HOO!
  
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  1. DayeanneHutton June 2, 2021 at 5:05 pm
    
    It was the “awwww” and the absolutely boldness – uniquely her style HA! I am happy to say I have already “meh”ed twice today!
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 2, 2021 at 9:04 pm
      
      Yay! Meh muscle stronger!!
      
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KellyeRowland June 1, 2021 at 12:23 pm

OH MY GOD but I needed this topic, right now, this minute. How fortuitous!! I am a giant ball of “caring” (I put that in quotes because am I really caring or is it all knee jerk programmed trauma history?) right now and feel like I’m going to die actually. Like my body feels like it’s buzzing internally and I’m shaking. Big Astro you say? My Mars (good bad guy) chart ruler? My Saturn bad bad guy? Retrogrades? Wheeeee

I am commenting before I go back and do the deep dive but I had to say right away that holy fuck do I NEED this this month. And by this month I mean forever and always. Can’t wait to dive in. ❤️

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1. Bonnie G June 1, 2021 at 3:04 pm
  
  What are your go-to items for turning down the dial on “I’m going to die actually” feelings? Do you do EFT/tapping? Meditation? Deep breathing? Journaling? Therapy? Mantras? What allows you to just back that feeling down the tiniest bit?
  
  Yes, big astro is doing us no favors on this stuff. All the more reason to have your grounding rituals in place. Sending love!
  
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RemyO'Brien June 1, 2021 at 9:16 pm

So,
I will be going with Apprecation vs. Judgement, forgiveness. and Zen and the Tao which I kinda of started doing about a week and half ago. It’s been fun catching myself reliving something and snapping myself right out of it and then trying to decipher why it’s showing up. It could be my Gemini 12rh merc. retro stuff. Alot to uncover. Thanks Bonnie and Keith.

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1. Bonnie G June 2, 2021 at 9:26 pm
  
  Beautiful recipe!! Oof, with that Gemini 12th action, babe. You’re gonna have such a good run of excavation this eclipse season!
  
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Stephanie Bergeron June 2, 2021 at 4:26 pm

Bon, get out of my head. 😉 That Rubik’s Cube process? It me. I totally do the same thing. I’m reframing it as part of that black-box-ish superpower I’ve been shown I have. Buuuut ridiculousness seen, thank you for stepping in as the mirror.

I’m reminded of when I was a toddler. I used to love The Care Bears (I’m not sure how far it reached internationally, but perhaps this reference will fly). When something went wrong, they’d band together and their various brands of caring would shoot out their tummies to vanquish the evil wizard No-Heart. How’s that for teaching a child to care a lot. Heck, they literally lived in Care-A-Lot! Of course, there wasn’t a “Care Less Bear”…

Anyway, my first recipe ingredient has to be “The Power of Meh”, capitalizing on the physical movement learning pathway I’ve already got on lock. Seems an easier way in. Forgiving myself for whatever is holding me back is also a loving choice- I get into a tangle with self-guilt and self-judgment on top of caring too much, and that neural pathway reinforcement isn’t helping anyone. Anyone but Gloop that is, so he’ll be joining my starting lineup, too.

I also want to share this- it seems related to this month’s work:

“Being the most anxious or worried about something doesn’t always mean you “care” the most. Try not to confuse anxiety or worry with concern or devotion. Calm and steady isn’t always apathy.”

I screencapped it from IG. It was a reshare of a reshare, but it appears to have been originally written by Whitney Goodman, LMFT, @sitwithwhit. Here’s my actual screencap, if you prefer: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1orv6kB9DWsA4y1FIZC8bghhehXNOTnaN/view?usp=sharing

Maybe I should go create a new Care Bear now. 😉

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1. Bonnie G June 2, 2021 at 9:14 pm
  
  Oof. That screengrab is so good I’m putting it on the curriculum page. Thank you, Stephanie!
  
  In reading your comment, I’m thinking about the Care Bears as a great example of, “If your kid tends toward selfishness, have them watch this and learn empathy,” while also being a really tragic example of, “If your kid already has anxiety over things outside their control, they need a Care Less Bears type show.”
  
  I wonder at what age we are capable of learning the difference between caring, having empathy, and developing unhealthy attachment to what others think (or MAY think; they honestly may never think about it again). It would be such a kindness if these lumps were split for us as early as we have the capacity to grok the distinction.
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 5, 2021 at 11:51 am
    
    Happy to share the spoils of my travels… this was a particularly poignant one!
    
    I’m willing to bet that capability emerges earlier than science generally thinks/has thought it does. It’s only one human’s data, but I’ve been told stories of when I was VERY young and already exhibiting this tendency to go overboard. It indeed would be a kindness to teach that splitting early. I really don’t think science has historically given the brain the credit it deserves… it truly is a remarkable miracle, and the more we learn, the more beautiful it all becomes. <3 I'll stop my geeking out there, for now. 😉
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 5, 2021 at 7:39 pm
      
      Agree. Similar stories from ages way before any of it “makes sense” and of course, I’m woo enough to say, “I brought all that stuff in with me” and shrug it off that way, but, yeah. All of that. (Oh and OMG I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of zodiacal releasing and the loosing of the bonds and holy crap was I BORN during peak energy that could explain soooooooo many setpoints. I thought of quite a few of you in this membership when I learned about this. It explains a TON.)
      
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JudyKerr June 4, 2021 at 8:21 pm

I love hearing that about a soft tender heart now, that’s what I’m aiming for. Yes, when it’s ego it’s over and over in my head and over and over. Yes, and it makes me cry and scream I’m that “quick scowl” you see it clearly.

Thinking of forgiving myself seems impossible though I know it’s not because I’m weakening. Shame I guess is this awful feeling. This makes me cry harder and how can I care less because I see a whole big pile of things I don’t know how to forgive myself for – have never considered forgiving myself for – and that includes that actress on social media.

I’ve pushed away, stuffed down the unforgiveable, now I do want to soften the words I use against myself – caring less is more than what I anticipated. I’ve incorporated the song into my non-negotiable floor exercise that finishes off my morning spiritual routine. My heart is melting the idea of caring less is very attractive. Hugs to you I am hugging myself now. Right now I’m just open to letting this in.

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1. Bonnie G June 5, 2021 at 7:42 pm
  
  That openness is everything.
  
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JudyKerr June 8, 2021 at 11:16 am

My heart is melting and the universe is helping me. I’ve done a lot of work in the past on caring less and now one of my muscles has showed up for me. I hate it, it’s awful, shameful but when I waste money I’ve learned to, after appropriate agonizing, to give, donate, forgive, rewrite the story, move on and for the most part forget about it. I’m going through a situation like that now about spending $1800 on redecorating this year – it was all wrong. Usually I wouldn’t even speak of this I’d just swallow and do my forgiving which isn’t easy but I know going in doable. I can give myself a break it’s a strong muscle I have it I can use it to let the curtain fall on that family.
Changing my perspective, I call it rewriting my story and that’s my task now. I went into one of our local businesses and the woman said I heard Frank passed from his son-in-law. She commented to him about us as a couple and he made a lovely remark about how devoted I was. This shocked me but that is the way to be – to speak kindly when talking of Frank’s family. That will be a huge change for me I’ve been portraying myself as the victim in this to others. I know it’s not true and I know it’s not attractive. I can rewrite and get a different perspective. What keeps flooding in is my love for all those people I haven’t acknowledged my grief over the loss. I can let the curtain fall on the story except for Frank’s and my great fun and all the people out on the beach who remember us walking all over town, that’s what’s always been the best part of us. I can care less, it’s happening.
Striving to live in the present – the best tool STOP IT – stuck in a moment that has passed, boy does that ring true. I see from your texts Bonnie that you’re doing well too. Thank you for all of the tools and tasks to do I see it’s working and I’m willing to care less. I’m letting the iron gates down, I want to.

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1. Bonnie G June 8, 2021 at 2:40 pm
  
  My commitment is solid even though some days a wobble might try to come in. It feels good to care less and the STOP IT tool is a great one for me as well.
  
  I was thinking about you and about how I care so much what someone out there may be thinking or feeling about me and then I have to say, “Y’know what? Someone out there is thinking something wrong/bad/mean whatever about me right now and I cannot control it. Ever. My work is to be sure *I* am vibrating at a level to connect with people who get me, who truly see me, who connect with me so beautifully.” And that raises my vibe right up.
  
  Also, I read a quote I loved but I’m not going to get it exactly right because it was a fleeting moment of something on some social media site so who knows where it ended up. The gist was: “React as if we received the behavior, words, feelings from someone else that we WANTED. Watch that change everything.”
  
  So, behave as if we got the part.
  Act as if we received the love.
  Live as though the compliment was granted.
  
  Like, basically, heal the crappy things from my childhood by simply rewriting the script I keep playing over and over again in my mind. GIVE MY BROTHERS DIFFERENT LINES TO SAY. And notice how I melt about it. How good it feels to receive that.
  
  And of course, this weaves right in with receiving, and joy, and it’s the “caring less about what was true” that makes it all possible.
  
  How ’bout that?
  
  I love you, Judy. And everyone. 🙂
  
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  1. KellyeRowland June 8, 2021 at 2:55 pm
    
    This. Wow. All of this. Got tears streaming at the simplicity and power of what *could be* from this, for me, if I only tried it. Thank you Bon, and THANK YOU JUDY, for consistently giving me such things to ponder. Excited for my time with you Judy that I won in the Summit!! <3
    
    Love you both and this group of humans. <3
    
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    1. JudyKerr June 8, 2021 at 3:56 pm
      
      I have tears streaming too Kellye. Bonnie YES! You see and I’m rewriting. ❤️❤️❤️
      
      Kellye so loved our time together at the summit and looking forward to our prize-winning conversation!
      
      “Caring less about what is true” that just blows me away. Truth!
      
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  2. Aaron Wilson June 10, 2021 at 5:23 pm
    
    “My work is to be sure *I* am vibrating at a level to connect with people who get me, who truly see me, who connect with me so beautifully.” And that raises my vibe right up.”
    
    Thank you Bon for reminding us to stand in our own enoughness. This is helping me heal.
    
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  3. KathiCarey June 20, 2021 at 4:55 pm
    
    GIVE MY BROTHERS DIFFERENT LINES TO SAY…
    Whoa.. won’t, can’t even go into everything that means. A lot of work on caring less on THAT little statement right there. But I’ve been working on it… for a few years. LOL!
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 5:02 am
      
      Don’t I know it! {{{hugs}}} This falls in there with “accept the apology that will never come.” It’s the other side of the coin, almost.
      
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2. Stephanie Bergeron June 8, 2021 at 5:47 pm
  
  “I can rewrite and get a different perspective.” “GIVE MY BROTHERS DIFFERENT LINES TO SAY.” The Magic What If…
  
  Love. <3
  
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  1. JudyKerr June 8, 2021 at 6:28 pm
    
    Yes LOVE it!
    
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  2. JudyKerr June 10, 2021 at 3:00 pm
    
    I’m overwhelmed with caring. I’m working too hard I do that and now I’m slowing down – my old big cares want to come in it’s too fast. Just forgive myself and wait to catch up – the fears and cares are there. I’ll move ahead more tomorrow just steady ground right now. All is well I am safe. ❤️
    
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Stephanie Bergeron June 8, 2021 at 2:47 pm

Okay, so a week in, and I’ve discovered one of my brain’s Olympic-level tricks for accomplishing “caring less” is avoidance. I’m laughing, but I’m catching myself trying to future-proof instead of being present and only stepping into the work of caring less if/when it is needed. Gloop is gorging on mind taffy, and we’re in a void dance.

I will celebrate one success, which I only realized today: a success in caring less about paying for an online class that turned out to be pretty disappointing. I was only half as upset as past-me would’ve been a year ago (pre-GiG), and I heavily applied “Meh” and joy work to lower it to around 35%. So, yes, I care about a crap-ton of things, but I can care a little less about this (and I’m hereby attempting to give myself permission to not be at ‘perfect’ 0%).

An interesting thing I’ve discovered with Forgiveness in Keith’s recipe list is that I need to be aware of the wording I use. If I come down on the side of “you’re not that important”, it resonates against my enoughness by validating echoes of criticisms past (ouch). I’m experimenting with coming from the side of “what you did isn’t so important” instead, allowing myself to remember that it’s one moment in context of a full day, week, month, whatever. For instance, I accidentally blocked someone in their parking spot this week for all of about a minute. Objectively no big deal (so why did I care hours later- journal prompt), but I only began to loosen it when I employed “you didn’t ruin their day, so you can care less about it” language. Another example of the importance of diction, at least for me.

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1. Bonnie G June 8, 2021 at 3:48 pm
  
  There’s a membership I paid for a few years back that I ended up really resenting. They were not at all delivering on the timeline they had set out, I was constantly having to check back and reload and go to the stupid FB group to see if they’d posted a new delivery date, email them if not… all stupid stuff that made me hate any of the GOOD that was in the membership even more, each month. It got worse and worse and by 9 months into the year I was MAD that I had to keep showing up for the meetings… because at least I was going to squeeze a nugget of value out of SOMETHING in these stupid things… and then I had a talk with my upholder.
  
  Because that’s allllllllll upholder shit.
  
  If I could’ve decided that Baseline Criteria for the course was met months ago when I had such a great, OMG, a-ha moment over one of the month’s deliverables and it became a really good thing for my business and so forth, then isn’t everything else bonus points and do I actually ever have to show up again?
  
  Upholder, of course, says you MUST show up EVERY time even if it sucks because that’s the contract you entered into when purchasing the course.
  
  So… care less, for me, with stuff like this, takes the shape of retroactively-applied BC. Works a treat!
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 8, 2021 at 5:42 pm
    
    Absolutely with the upholder!! Retroactive application will definitely help, here. My upholder needs some more reps with BC, actually. Thanks for the reminder… I still get a little caught up in that tool sometimes, setting too high (false baseline) or raising the bar upon achievement. Totally a trained “ambition”, right in line with “work harder, achieve more”. Drinking. 😉 Idea as I type: purposefully employ dear upholder here to love the BC boundary instead of the high score. New rule! Might as well capitalize on the superpower to wean the caring…
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 8, 2021 at 11:25 pm
      
      Yesssssss. Make that upholder your best friend. That’s pure Day 4 action, BTW. 😉
      
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      1. Stephanie Bergeron June 10, 2021 at 3:44 pm
        
        True! This flip isn’t one I could see and grab until now. But of course, the work spirals, right? 🙂
        
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        Keith J June 12, 2021 at 11:44 am
        
        the work spirals
        
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  2. KathiCarey June 20, 2021 at 4:56 pm
    
    Oooh, that’s soo good! I’m going to remember that.
    
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Aaron Wilson June 10, 2021 at 5:39 pm

I had a self-tape audition today and applied Launch at 85% to help ease the thoughts that can be activating.
I’ve gained weight this last year and slowly am getting back to my healthier self. New choice-thank God I gained weight. It’s no big deal really.

It was the best self-tape I’ve done yet. 🙂

I’ve been applying the Power of Meh within the last week and it’s helped me a lot with the day to day of my survival job. The physical action of shrugging my shoulders and saying, “Meh” lessens the charge with their work until you burn out and keep going mentality. It’s not the new normal and ease is more my style. “Meh” 🙂 Meanwhile I’ll be taking my lunch break 😉

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1. Bonnie G June 10, 2021 at 5:46 pm
  
  Can you imagine the revolution afoot with all this EASE being the setpoint? So delicious!
  
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  1. Aaron Wilson June 10, 2021 at 8:43 pm
    
    Yes! 🙂
    
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KellyeRowland June 11, 2021 at 12:17 pm

First off I have to say how disappointed I am to have just realized that I have to miss this Zoom live, again. This medicine of “caring less” is top priority (top wish?) for me, and has been for a while now. Like, a lifetime. So imagine my devastation (yes that’s hyperbolic, I know) when I realized that this month’s Expansive Capacity is scheduled for the day and exact time I *have* to go to the DMV to get a NYS ID so I can renew my expired passport. I made this appt in MARCH and motherfucking JUNE 18th was the first appt I could get, because, Covid, and all offices have been closed for over a year until very recently.

So that’s now two EC Zooms (last month on Joy too) I have been unable to attend live. I know I can watch the replay, nbd right? NO. I don’t want/like to be a passive watcher, I want to be involved, directly, interacting; I want to be IN. IT. (Mars chart ruler, Aries rising, Leo moon anyone?) The irony of my caring SO MUCH about missing the Keith Care Less Zoom live is not lost on me. This is why I need it. (And the post here is certainly a wealth of caring less tips, for sure, but I like being on the calls when they happen).

And now this quote I saw recently comes to mind: “Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.” – Eckhart Tolle

Welp. I’m taking this month in little chunks. Trying to care less about being the “A student” get it all done in one profound shot person. Jesus the ego. :/ I’ll be back with more, I’m sure. Love to all.

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1. Bonnie G June 11, 2021 at 2:05 pm
  
  So, I think — correct me if I’m wrong of course — this is sticky because it’s a few levels of caring.
  
  1. The ego. You spotted that one. A-student. Actually caring a lot about this one and the HIT of not being able to be here for it live. Yes. That part.
  
  2. Then there’s also the interactive learner. Mars chart ruler. Let me be all up in it energy. It’s a better experience for you when you’ve been here for it live. I totally get that too.
  
  3. Then also, that moves into the fact that it just feels GOOD to connect and this is one of the things you look forward to and, dammit, it’s not even your CHOICE that you can’t be here for it and then that trips up the victim V in that whole Karpman Drama Triangle thing we’ve talked about before (review).
  
  That last part swings us back up to issue #1: ego.
  
  BUT I want to make sure we look at the part of this that has nothing to do with ego, that is straight-up legit something you care about (connecting, learning interactively) and not getting to do that this month. REGISTER that disappointment. And try to ISOLATE any of the drama triangle and/or ego stuff that tries to hitchhike on the primary disappointment around not being able to join in live this month.
  
  Tell Augustus Gloop to GO HOME to his mommy!!
  
  😉
  
  And you do know that Keith will Zoom with you anytime, right? He loves talking shop with ninjas. Just ask him. Shoot him a text and tell him you need a quick Zoom. He’ll do it. Seriously, it’s something that lights him up. 🙂 323.397.7576.
  
  Love you. Glad you’re going to be able to get your passport stuff sorted out. Very good Mercury retrograde activity!!
  
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  1. Quincy Cho June 13, 2021 at 3:41 pm
    
    Thank you Bonnie for parsing out the different levels of caring because I similarly felt that way about missing last month’s call, and that note about the inner victim getting activated in #3 was because that’s totally the feeling and it it’s so disempowering!!!
    
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  2. KellyeRowland June 15, 2021 at 9:53 am
    
    This is so lovingly sifted down in such an enlightening way, thank you Bon. Late last night I finally was able to watch last month’s EC Zoom on Joy, and I’m still processing so much. I also reviewed the Karpman triangle and hoo boy is that something that I have always been in the thick of but never named in such a way. My ingrained self deprecating manner of handling my life is unravelling and being slowly replaced by self love and acceptance and I’m terrified. Because that suggests that I have to be someone new. Will people still recognize me? All that stuff about safety, being seen as “other” for being too content/happy…ooof.
    
    I have (thus far, until now) pinned my identity on being a sharp, funny, self deprecating, insecure girl. To actively stop reinforcing that feels…odd. But good. And that absolutely 100% ties in with caring less. Smoke and mirrors. That’s all it’s been. It served a purpose for sure, but now I’m slowly waking up to the fact that I have *actual* value. Real value. And that that is not only not something to HIDE (under a bushel of shame, bible real talk y’all), but it’s something to celebrate. And show. And be. Augustus Gloop go home indeed, cuz these costumes are gettin hella threadbare and worn.
    
    And Keith, I’m addin your digits to my phone. Next step is having the courage to actually believe what Bonnie said here, about you being willing/liking to Zoom for a few minutes from time to time. 🙂
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 4:36 am
      
      Here’s the cool part; all the stuff we did for survival that became a part of our identity (being sharp, funny, self-deprecating, insecure) doesn’t go away when we start handling our lives with self-love and acceptance. Nope. It’s still there; it’s just now accessed when we’re NOT in survival mode!!
      
      Isn’t. That. Glorious?
      
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  3. KellyeRowland June 15, 2021 at 9:57 am
    
    Haha I already have your digits Keith. Duh, from that time a few years back that you brought that woman’s show here to NYC and I set changed for you. 🙂
    
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    1. Keith J June 15, 2021 at 12:04 pm
      
      This was something I was well aware should be true
      
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Stephanie Bergeron June 11, 2021 at 7:02 pm

A tangle that emerged while journaling today that I wanted to share: conflating love with care. Caring can feel like a way to spread love and goodness in the world. It dawned on me that these might be tangled by way of my primary love language, Acts of Service (i.e. caring=service=love). Ah ha. A reason why caring less feels mean, and why I’m meeting resistance. I’m reminded of something you said recently, Bonnie, about loving on everyone, but specifically reserving caring to a select few. That’s something for me to explore further, how I might split this well-meaning (but energetically draining) lump and build up a boundary.

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1. Bonnie G June 11, 2021 at 7:32 pm
  
  Yes. That was from my Fiji retreat with Liz Gilbert. She said, “I love each and every one of you. Deeply. I do not care about any of you.”
  
  Anytime we lump, the work is splitting. It gets SO much clearer when we can actually see all the parts our lumps are made up of!
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 11, 2021 at 8:33 pm
    
    Ah, yes. That’s it! I’m writing it into my margins to ponder further tonight, thank you. 🙂 <3
    
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    1. Stephanie Bergeron June 15, 2021 at 7:41 pm
      
      I revisited the post-Fiji livestream, having the key “Bonnie Gillespie + blank” to Google, and in our theme of geometry here lately, the related Sacred Circle concept of 5 items called to me. I re-drew the circle in my journal Sunday night, and it’s already facilitated a “care less”. A clunky implementation (I was a good ways into my standard fix-it-flurry response to something my sister was a-tizzy over before I caught myself), but I did it. One more win amongst the many challenges (yay). I bring it up in case a Circle (re)visit might spark something for someone else, too. 🙂
      
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      1. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 4:17 am
        
        This encouraged me to rewatch that livestream. Glad I did. THANK YOU.
        
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Keith J June 12, 2021 at 11:35 am

Random Thoughts from reading these comments…

Poisonous Caring can often come from scarcity mindset.
If we’re abundant, a teacup broken by a friend is no biggie, but if buying a replacement just isn’t in the budget… wow.

So consider the notion that we care because we’re afraid to lose a thing because scarcity mindset makes us fear we can never get it back.

FOMO is the same way. FOMO is poisonous caring in that we fear not being able to get the thing…

Think about the stereotypical clingy boyfriend/girlfriend. They care soooo much about being near their SO, their “caring” so much is just blanket insecurity. It’s enoughness work. Poisonous caring is just a symptom of low enoughness.

Learning to care less can also be abundance training.

Caring less is focusing more on the feeling energy and less on the how-it-will-manifest energy.

Caring less is NOT not caring, it’s a change of focus. It is a lessening of concern about things we don’t really control.

Caring less is letting go of the illusion of control. More correctly, it’s an effort to split out the thing we can control from the things we absolutely cannot… then releasing the concern/energy/worry over the things we cannot control.

Ponder that shit, my fellows

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Quincy Cho June 13, 2021 at 3:57 pm

• ““I can stop this pain she’s having!” I said. (Hmm… she created the pain all by herself, yet I’m certain I am the medicine for it.) Check out the big-ass ego on Bon!”
THIS!!! The CERTAINTY with which I am SURE I am the problem/solution/bad guy/only stupid one who doesn’t know anything/will not succeed, etc. = my ego talking because it leaves NO room for any other interpretation. Wow. What a perfect example of what ego in action looks like. Thank you for sharing this.

“It can allow you to start something that you know won’t be right or true or even good… but that “lesser thing” that you can deliver if you would just care less about it is always far greater than that wonderful, spectacular, amazing thing you never started because you cared too much about how it should turn out.”

• “Caring less is focusing more on the feeling energy and less on the how-it-will-manifest energy. Caring less is NOT not caring, it’s a change of focus. It is a lessening of concern about things we don’t really control.”
I’ve been real stuck these past few weeks/months, spinning my wheels because I’m mired in analysis paralysis. Been searching for a reframe, and this was it. Thank you for the reframe, Keith.

And revisiting the Karpman Drama Triangle was sosoSO good for me. And in my Google search, I got this answer on how to avoid it, “Move to the center. Stop participating as a victim, rescuer or persecutor. Instead, find and hold a center position. The center of the drama triangle contains elements of each corner – it is a combination of sensitivity, compassion, and responsibility – with a solutions focus, even if the solution is retreat.

Refuse to accept your opponent’s force. Do not struggle with the other participants in the triangle, or yield to them. Instead, make a counter move with one opponent that allows them to fully take an awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable position. If you have successfully taken the center, your opponent will back off, rather than unmasking themselves and their exaggerated role.

In the style of Eastern Philosophy, we don’t want to cast a loved one as an adversary in our mind. Rather, we want to understand their bad habits and unskillful means and counter with awareness and enlightened skills.”

Something about visualizing myself at the center of the triangle is very helpful, and in doing so, something clicked today. WAHHHHHH. A mindful reframe/shift/opening of the mind.

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1. Bonnie G June 13, 2021 at 7:35 pm
  
  YES! That center position is the #4th spot I suggest in that article I linked for review in my comment. VISITOR. Totally neutral to the drama happening in the triangle. Yes, yes, yes. LOVE the specifics on how to position to get the other parties to also shift themselves out of spots in the triangle they’re healthier to be out of!! 🙂 Thank you, Quincy. What’s the source of that material? It’s very helpful!
  
  Also glad my ego-on-action depiction worked for you. As I sat in the stew of really hating how bad it felt to be in this weird position with this butt-hurt colleague, it really helped me to know it was a situation coming up JUST IN TIME for this to be illustrative of the caring-too-much muscle being so very ego-related.
  
  (Also, some of what you’re feeling is woo-related. There’s some funky-ass astro handing us our emotions in big ways right now.)
  
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  1. Quincy Cho June 18, 2021 at 12:35 pm
    
    Googled it and found it here: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle Lots of yummy details.
    
    My fridge broke last week (ty, MRx!), so I’ve been dealing with that. I reframed it as an “awkward inconvenience,” which has made it more fun. Sharing in case that helps you!
    
    Another thing I unpacked was that I don’t really care about what other people think. I care about what *I* think other people think. Which is ludicrous because there’s no way I can know what they think. So I’m basing my actions/thoughts on what–a very presumptuous guess???? But it’s a way that my brain tries to figure out the future and work backwards to avoid what I think they’re thinking or to get the reaction of what I think they’re thinking from them–EPIPHANY. Yes, trying to gauge what other people think in my own echo chamber spiral brain is no bueno, BUT what it shows me is that, if I can do that… if I can create a toxic future reaction/situation that DOESN’T exist and work backwards to get that future reaction/situation in my present state, I can use that muscle for good!!!! I can create a future situation of me/my life that DOESN’T exist YET and work backwards from there, which is what this work is about! So rather than applying my monkey mind to things I can’t control (other people, what I think they think of me, etc.), I need to dial in aka focus on what I *can* control (going back to my new favorite definition of caring less from Keith) and let my monkey mind go to town on intentionally manifesting/creating/sourcing the most expansive version of. my. SELF!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHH. Man oh man I wish I was on today’s call to share this with you out loud!!! Mercury’s been having her way with me, and I wrote the wrong time in my calendar for this meeting, so I’ll have to catch the RP volunteering to help prep for a friend’s Juneteenth event. But now, I have something yummy to look forward to in my inbox
    
    I keep reminding myself a lot of it is astro, but my feelings can’t tell the difference, Bonnieeeee ☹️
    ^ guess I gotta move my butt back to the center of the triangle xD
    
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    1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 5:43 am
      
      Ooh, this is sooooooooooo good.
      
      And I know. The astro gave us all some butt-hurt feelings this month. Onward! Love you.
      
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JudyKerr June 13, 2021 at 9:23 pm

YES Quincy and Bonnie I was just reading about the triangle again. It was so helpful what you quoted Quincy.

I’ve just reread everything for the third time and took all new notes and I’m growing. I’m being forced to look at “looking good.” It’s again ego as you’re saying and I’ve used it as a positive and a negative tool.

I got from my parents especially my mom (the sweetest woman in the world) that we had to look good for the neighbors no matter what. Everything was about looking good in actions and deeds and I worked things to look good to them but then would get away with everything behind their back. I raised my children like this too they had a lot of freedom as long as they looked good.

I’m shallow so many times I’ve said if I lost physical looks just let me die, I can’t live looking funny or weird you know something like a stroke. I can’t believe I’m writing these words but I have to look at that – you mean – I have to care less about looking what I think of as pretty. I’d rather die – wow I am going to change that thinking. I’m sobbing now as I’m writing this – thank you I do receive plenty of compliments – but it’s not looking good to others it’s me – I do appreciate but I judge so harshly. Ah this goes back to forgiving myself. How can I care less – I know I can I’m on the path I’m looking at it.

I’m having some dental work done of course it came up during this month for me to look at caring less about what feels like I care most about it the world. All of my fears and beyond unreasonable thoughts are bombarding me and then I went to lunch with a friend who is seven years older than me, very basic, down to earth has beautiful hair and has aged well. I can’t tell you the incident, I’m trying to blot it out of my mind, but she had an issue while we were eating and she could have cared less she just handled herself so easily – I’m sobbing again – I’m not like that – I don’t actually see myself yet getting to that much ease but she’s a good beacon.

Oh, I feel I’m going on too long but I want to say when Keith wrote about “meh” I’ve heard it before and always think it sounds good but I care way too much to use that one I could never Meh. I read others using it and I thought well okay I’ll pick something and try it. My daughters (I have 3 in their 50s) are cool, successful women and the oldest and youngest haven’t spoken to each other in years so all family occasions never include all three girls. This pisses me off so much and saddens me – well as you see again ego about me not getting those three girls together. So, I said meh and shrugged my shoulders, I was walking over the freeway so it was noisy and I could say it loud and I thought of many things I wanted to care less about them it was good to yell it out. I’m laughing it was easy I don’t have to care. I’m growing I want this to spread in my life. Kids I know you can’t control or anything I think you’re saying and I know it is true. Love you for providing these lessons and this space to hear from others how they are growing.

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1. Bonnie G June 14, 2021 at 2:52 pm
  
  I LOVE this workout and yes, as someone who doesn’t speak to her own siblings, Judy, I can tell you, there’s nothing you can do to make us connect when we’ve decided we’re healthier NOT connecting. Let that not be yours to do. I LOVE that you were able to shout out MEH over the freeway on your walk. That’s lovely and I’m going to embody that too.
  
  You and I share the looks thing and it’s such a bit of ego nonsense but that doesn’t make it REAL. When I see those “stop smoking” ads and they show someone who has lost half their jaw to cancer and they’re on a ventilator and talking to the camera while gasping for breath, I look to Keith and say, “We have a deal, right?” and that deal is that we’ll put each other out of our misery before anyone can feel sorry for us like that.
  
  Of course…
  
  Someone is feeling sorry for us RIGHT NOW. There is someone — not in my third — who feels sorry for me because of my height, my weight, my skin color, the shape of my face, my hair, my… whatever. There is already someone out there who does not perceive my physical appearance as lovely. And I cannot control that. Ever.
  
  So, to take this back to our mothers — mine was very much the same, Judy, MAKE IT LOOK GOOD for the neighbors — that’s a very fickle audience we were brought up being taught to please, keep happy, kowtow to our whole lives. It trained our brains to look in the mirror NOT because we wanted to be sure we pleased OURSELVES but to make sure we were ACCEPTABLE and APPROPRIATE for the rest of the world, judging us.
  
  Lots of forgiveness work around this, for sure. THANK YOU for this conversation. It’s helping me heal too.
  
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  1. KathiCarey June 20, 2021 at 5:02 pm
    
    I’m right there with you…
    Not that *I* care so much about what I look like, but I have to be acceptable to the rest of the world/the business/etc. I know it’s ridiculous — people will think whatever they think and I have absolutely no control over that. But I certainly have spent a lifetime *thinking* that I do.
    
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    1. JudyKerr June 21, 2021 at 6:41 am
      
      This caring about how I look is I believe all about MY rules now I’m the neighbors. It’s my cat and me I’m the judge. Making an effort to care less is allowing me to re-examine all my rules – what I judge looks good. I’m caring less by little degrees. ❤️
      
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2. Bonnie G June 14, 2021 at 5:03 pm
  
  I should also note, re: appearance and caring a lot, I regularly check myself because so much of what I find “beautiful” is a result of stewing in the patriarchy my whole life. There’s an ableist bent to what I have comfort with, beauty-wise. I also believe my empath status feels a lot of pain when I see someone who is struggling for any reason, physically/ability-wise as well. And all of that contributes to my issues around “caring how I look.” I believe that as I do the work of removing the patriarchal, capitalistic, etc., programming from my worldview and opening to way more vulnerability and acceptance of all sorts of things that this will soothe as well, including how harshly I judge myself when I look in the mirror.
  
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3. Stephanie Bergeron June 23, 2021 at 12:53 pm
  
  This whole conversation has been swimming around in my brain… it’s resonant especially with the dancer sector of my #hyphlife right now. It’s an interesting tangle of caring for me to consider, since I have literally been scored on look in competition (which is how I was trained as a dancer). Aesthetic is integral to many dance forms as I know them; not as easy to imagine a classic Swan Lake without the bun, pointes, and lanky swan-arms, is it. (Though the scholar in me reminds us that, yes, it has been done.) Of course, getting older by dance standards comes with its own entanglements (I’m not a Gumby pre-teen, I was never built to be a contortionist, and I must now use actual technique to get myself safely through movements that kids throw themselves into with a devil-may-care edge).
  
  Caring less about what I look like is HARD. The first step I can think of after contemplating this convo is to just care more about what I now offer in abundance: matured storytelling, consistency, experience, nuance, an instrument that won’t be injured due to poor care… all things I am in control of. I’m not sure what I have to add here, other than some solidarity. But thank you all for bringing this up (as tough as it is to face).
  
  I’ll add a quick quote that I’m reminded of just as I go to click “post”:
  
  “The mirror is not you. The mirror is you looking at yourself.”- George Balanchine
  
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  1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 4:47 am
    
    This is beautiful and so are you. Thank you for this share. Mature and graceful. 🙂
    
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    1. Stephanie Bergeron July 1, 2021 at 4:09 pm
      
      My hand is on my heart receiving this one. Thank you, Bonnie. <3 <3 <3
      
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JudyKerr June 15, 2021 at 7:40 am

“Let that not be yours to do”. – But what about all the hours I’ve put in with the perfect thing to say or do to magically bring them together?????? and yet I’m the one to preach “set your own boundaries.” I’m laughing I didn’t speak to my sister for years – it was great when we did start and then 20 years later on the day of her funeral I was disinvited by her children – eek.

Yes I think of Annette Funicello, sigh, yes to it all. I already have the no feeding tube etc. orders legal document and my girls are on board with the hospice ending – but what if you just don’t look good do you get the goodbye medicine? Okay I care way too much about this stuff I have to simmer down, tapping now. Care less I certainly can’t Meh this. I’ve got an issue right now so this is too hot.

Looking good has also been a valuable tool for me – I’m moving beyond the physical – a deeper part is guiding me to look good – be good – I like it to be authentic and it is. It’s how I know it’s the right step. Somehow, it’s not important to me the patriarchal talk. I get it, the gist, I think but I guess I’m not interested in unwinding where I got my lessons/guidance from. Looking good has also kept me small and in fear. I know I could have done better but I often froze and didn’t take advantages of opportunities. Thankfully this is stuff I’ve come to care less about – I do that by recalling some great show biz event or moment I’ve had and living through it sensorially again.

Bonnie I’m not as complicated as you are I don’t think I take in other people’s pain, I’m pretty much pain free and I’ve done some mind changing around pain, through your guidance, so new pains don’t scare me as much, in a way I can take it – like you as long as there is an end game in sight.

This caring less work is really moving me. I had that vaccine life/death moment and then I saw Frank hang on to every last moment of life before he passed even though in the years before he died he talked of wanting to go out assisted – I’ve always taken for granted there is a life after but realistically is there? I don’t KNOW I just think so. What if this is it? I don’t know but I still know I don’t want to look bad when I’m here – old I can take not sad looking, thankfully I don’t judge old as sad, I know lots of beautiful old people.

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1. KellyeRowland June 15, 2021 at 9:39 am
  
  Judy can I just take a moment to say how profoundly grateful I am to read your words about such immediate, down-to-the-marrow-of-life stuff? I get so much from your honest and complete sharing of what you are experiencing and I’m so glad to be witness to it. Thank you. I also think a lot about the end of life and what comes after, if anything. It is hefty brain fodder, to put it mildly. So again, thank you for your openness. I’ll email you later today about our session. <3
  
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  1. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 4:42 am
    
    Me too. I so adore getting to be a part of Judy’s processing here. It’s an honor.
    
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2. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 4:54 am
  
  Yes, goddess Aquarius! You definitely don’t take on others’ pains the way little Cancer over here does. For SURE. 🙂 I admire your ability to let so much of that weight not be yours to carry.
  
  And totally, I believe at another stage in life, the work of dismantling the patriarchy or even labeling where so much of these setpoints come from wouldn’t feel important to me. I think because I know I lead a generation of very powerful artists with voices that absolutely can and will reach MILLIONS of people, it feels important to motivate them with compassion and solid information about how they can find their platform among all of this and BE HEARD as we’re #CreatingTheHollywoodWeWant.
  
  Just knowing that it feels as though you use the caring-so-much (about ANYTHING) as a way to stay safe, small, in fear, etc., is enough. And wanting to heal that even a teeny bit is lovely. Just reducing the “charge” of it all. That’s the work of this. So glad you’re tapping when it feels too big to take. That’s such an important tool!
  
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JudyKerr June 17, 2021 at 11:34 am

Thank you Kellye!

Some wonderful things are happening to me. I’m caring less and I’m coming to an understanding of what caring less might be about for me. I’ve been thinking caring less was about trying to achieve not caring, so I’ve had categories where I couldn’t think of not caring or wanting to not care. I don’t know if this makes sense. Now I’m willing to look at everything with new eyes.

I had a break through yesterday. I belong to a friends group there isn’t another actor that I know of in the group, there’s nurses, educators, professional women over 60. It’s rules are no religion, no politics, no fund raising, just friendship with ease – no stress. The only obligation is to show up for the Catered lunch once a month. At the luncheon they have monthly events to sign up for where you hang out with smaller groups of people – scrabble – walks – Crafts – out and about/ visiting a place and lunch. Okay I always care so much with these people, how can I look good – I can’t – at some point in the small groups on walks or playing games I have to disclose I’m a woman who left her 10, 12 and 13-year-old children behind with my husband to try for a career. I always tell this (I don’t lead with it) because it changes people’s minds about me, usually saying with awe “I could never do that.” So that’s my baggage going in but yesterday I was different. I care less about what a horrible mother I might sound like – I’ve never been or thought I was a horrible mother I’m a great mom and my girls affirm it often especially in Mother’s Day cards. Yes, I CAN care less about that it’s old and worn out. There is always that little thrill though of admitting I’ve done something so awful and it turned out okay. Okay I am insane.

I hadn’t done anything in the group yet was just starting to when Covid hit so a couple of weeks ago I volunteered to be the Membership Committee main thing is calling in the number of lunches we will be paying for and the color of tablecloths and napkins. Doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s out of my wheelhouse – first of all trying to learn and remember people’s names – you get it. Yesterday during the meeting the leader asked for someone to take on another small task but it is a task with other people and I popped up my hand said I’d do it and I also volunteered to lead one of the walks for August – all you do is pick where to meet and where to have lunch after. I’ve attended lots of these events and I love to participate. The women all so different from my friends when I lived in Studio City.

It was the 25th anniversary of the group and five originals some 80s and 90s looked so good and talked about the friendships all they’ve seen each other through. I didn’t think I could look good in the group but of course I can I don’t care – I’m enough – I want people to hang out with and become friends with I want to care less. I had so much more fun yesterday and I was even a bit late which could have FREAKED me out on another day – right on time but I didn’t understand it would have been better to be 15 minutes early, meh I said as I walked in. Really, I’m in general caring less about my group but I still care and I look good to myself now there.

There is relief in my life it’s growing – the Bob Newhart – STOP IT! – makes laugh and stop.
Looking forward to the zoom tomorrow. It’s so good to have one growth agenda to focus on.

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1. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 2:36 am
  
  Oh my gosh, Judy, this is SO GOOD! I love this growth and it’s so very specific and real!!!
  
  I think for me “care less” is meant to apply to areas where we just care TOO DAMN MUCH. And we can FEEL it’s not healthy for us to care so much. You’ve shared some really good examples of areas where you’ve been able to tweak your level of caring… even just a little bit less… and oh, it feels so FREEING.
  
  Yes! That’s the work! 🙂 So good!
  
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  1. JudyKerr June 18, 2021 at 7:03 am
    
    Yes to areas we care too much! Bonnie I’ve been spinning my wheels in caring too much about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter.
    
    I’ve never figured out or understood it – how Keith cares less because he’s passionate and I’ve thought not caring was passive. Keith I’m so glad for your brain explanation it made me not care whether I’d be able to do your tools.
    
    I’ve known in general the temperature has been too hot in my life, too much fear and looking around the corner and questioning myself. I love receiving tools that help me form new habits new “go to” thoughts like stop and meh. They make me smile because they are tied to jokes and I LOVE that.
    
    Of course I see how active caring less is now. I’ve been talking to my daughters about this and we are reminding each other. For me caring less is as important as joy. It is joy. I can have more joy when I care less.
    
    Yes Bonnie I agree you must unwind this patriarch stuff for us it’s eye-opening. Wonderful for people to be able to see and understand this earlier in life.
    
    My mother and Frank were probably the kindest people I’ve ever known and I don’t think they cared. Frank taught me so much but I always resisted caring less. I see it more clearly now. I’m grateful you’ll be able to remind me about caring less if I go off the deep end in some other month!
    
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Stephanie Bergeron June 17, 2021 at 3:23 pm

All right, something that’s stuck in my craw. I’m really caring about it more than I want to anymore: I got a little courageous NTS-style and messaged a new coach to get some info on their class offering (one that I’d reasonably have the experience to do). Without recounting the entire message, I basically received an “Aww! Aren’t you cute!” response (he actually did use “aww”). Demeaning and condescending in context, yes, but coming from a grown man with zero familiarity points, also a bit icky (totally different than the Aquarius “aww” above and the supportive “aww” used amongst familiar colleagues, to be clear; context is key). It’s pulling up on the other times I’ve been belittled, mansplained, and cutie-fied so I’m having a hard time “meh”ing this one off. Certainly, it’s because it’s reinforcing the inner critic- everything circles back to enoughness- and because it’s resonating with a lot of our conversation around patriarchy recently. (Cheers.)

The Good Girl’s Appropriate Response ™ implores me to say “he didn’t really mean it that way”, but I’ve got a little muscle now to consider that response as insidious programming (a win). I don’t intend to work with the guy, certainly not with the “nope!” I’ve got in my gut, but I keep replaying the exchange in my head. Hello, open ticket. STOP IT. I’m just wrestling, so I thought I’d bring it forward to help me let it go and put the Rubik’s Cube down.

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1. KellyeRowland June 17, 2021 at 4:05 pm
  
  Oh man Stephanie, I can SO feel these feels you’ve shared here. I have a very hard time lately biting my tongue when confronted with men (usually white men) whose discourse just feels sooooooooooo fucking entrenchedly (not a word I know), casually superior that it legit makes me want to scream. I get so disgusted and rage filled at the CASUALness of it all. It’s like my eyes have been opened to the built in attitudes of certain men and the patriarchy that built those attitudes, and now I can’t UNsee it. I see it *everywhere* I go almost. And it’s almost like it would take too long to respond to any of it, because if they don’t think it’s a thing, or they scoff at it, or both, it would take more of my precious sanity and energy than I want to expend sometimes. Do I sometimes leave a few words in response? Yes I do. It’s so hard to know which battles to pick in this world, especially since certain words and phrases are lightning rods for douchebags, and if you’re in person, well, you never know if you’re going to actually be physically hurt if you speak up. At any rate, I have no wise advice really but my rage filled, peri-menopausal ass is RIGHT THERE WITH YOU on this.
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 17, 2021 at 7:09 pm
    
    Thank you, Kellye. That’s just it- I don’t want to put more of my sanity and energy into it. Seeing it all get wrenched up with this incident is proof of that caring energy drain… but now I can see it more clearly. As I’m processing down and executive brain can get back in the game here, I think these steps in my journey are about deeper learning and trust that my gut response is allowed and accurate. There’s nothing I need to fix, I’m safe… and ‘delete’ is an equally valid option to any sort of response. I actually don’t need to care about how that lands for him. So, thanks for helping me to validate my gut.
    
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  2. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 2:11 am
    
    In situations like these, Kellye, I’m adding a beat. Like, when Keith will interrupt and start to mansplain, I’ll STOP TALKING, COLD, and raise an eyebrow (vs. trailing off and allowing for a “yes, and…” that may have come a bit too early but was still gonna be welcomed in the convo). IF he’s paying attention, he’ll catch it, stop himself, and say, “Sorry. Continue.”
    
    There ARE men who are trying to unlearn their own bad habits. They have decades of experience not only NOT BEING TOLD those are problematic habits they have, but actually being LAUDED for those traits.
    
    So when it’s a man who’s aware and in tune and wanting to grow, I help facilitate that.
    
    And when it’s someone who is AWARELESS about the situation and their role in continuing the problematic convo-stopper, I have to decide whether I want to be an educator or remove myself from the situation altogether.
    
    Because I cannot, will not, ever, be able to help everyone. Period.
    
    So I will walk toward those who want to do some walking-toward with me.
    
    Make sense?
    
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    1. KellyeRowland June 18, 2021 at 8:36 am
      
      Yes, totally. “Walk toward those who want to do some walking toward me.” Good mantra. <3
      
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    2. KellyeRowland June 18, 2021 at 10:33 am
      
      Also guess what?? I am going to be there today!! I wasn’t sure if the DMV was going to be open today (because of our at long last shiny new Juneteenth holiday observed today for gov’t business), and I couldn’t get through to any live person on the phone to find out for sure so I just took control and rescheduled for the next avail appt, July 7th. I’m so glad to be able to make it! See y’all in a few hours! 🙂
      
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      1. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:45 am
        
        Yaaaay!
        
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    3. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:44 am
      
      Agreed- that’s a great mantra to keep in the pocket. And adding a beat with whomever is doing the -splaining is a tool I’ll ground and try.
      
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2. Keith J June 17, 2021 at 5:56 pm
  
  You are lumping a bunch of things together here to come to your bad-feeling situation. Let’s split them up and apply various tools to what’s going on.
  
  I won’t run down the list unless you reply to this message telling me you want me to. I think it’s a good exercise to do that by yourself first, then we can come in and point out splits you may have missed.
  
  Also, I don’t want mansplain at you if you already know this and just wrote raw things down but actually, in the aftermath, have a handle on it.
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 17, 2021 at 6:34 pm
    
    Thanks, Keith. I’m in the process of coming down to a level where it’s not too hot to handle, and so I receive your well-spotted point that I’ve lumped shit together. I’ll walk myself through the list and circle back. Thank you for holding space for me and offering a direction.
    
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    1. JudyKerr June 18, 2021 at 7:18 am
      
      Acting coaches can be so hurtful Stephanie, they hit us where we’re most vulnerable. He’s all pumped up on his greatness. For me I always think of these guys as – poor things they can’t get hard ons anymore. That goes for both men and women coaches. So sorry you were treated less than. ❤️
      
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      1. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:12 am
        
        I literally laughed out loud for a full minute at my screen at your comment, Judy! Thank you for showing me the funny!! <3 I'll always remember that, now. Ha! Thank you for the support.
        
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        JudyKerr June 18, 2021 at 12:03 pm
        
        Yippee I love to get a laugh!!!
        
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      2. KathiCarey June 20, 2021 at 5:08 pm
        
        I, too, laughed out loud. Love you, Judy!
        
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        JudyKerr June 21, 2021 at 6:43 am
        
        Goody!
        
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        JudyKerr June 21, 2021 at 6:44 am
        
        Love you too ❤️
        
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    2. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:10 am
      
      Okay, I went back and revisited Day 37, and added some black-boxing perspective. Here we go:
      
      -I’ve lumped this one person’s judgment with all the others that said I’m not good enough to take a class above the beginner level or “play with the big kids”. I’ve dragged in all the times past-me was shown this by instructors that were not targeted, not in my third, nor proven to be on my True North path (and those who at one point were actually correct). Split: I am not past-me, and my lifetime resume proves a pattern of up-trending excellence. Further, I could borrow some enoughness from that historical perspective.
      
      -I’ve lumped being courageous with bad things happening. There have been lots of good things that have happened recently because I stepped forward in the same way. Split: it’s one incident, not the resultant pattern of my NTS forays. I didn’t actually do anything morally wrong.
      
      -I may have also lumped that I’m a target for being cutie-fied and therefore not taken seriously. Of course, here I am right now being taken seriously in this space. Inner critic aches for the artificial gravity created by a larger lump, because it gives the critic weight. It’s also not lost on me that I recently talked about “being your cute self” as part of my joy lessons from the bunny last month. Being cute doesn’t equal being stupid, and if someone thinks I’m stupid, why the hell should I engage. Sacred Circle time, not Fix It time.
      
      Though I wrote those last night before Bonnie’s response, she’s absolutely right. I did indeed hand off my enoughness. I’ve allowed this guy to reinforce the “just a dancer” rhetoric in my head, adding him to the chorus of people whom I need to prove myself against. That’s something to forgive myself for. Guilting myself for engaging a safety mechanism/habit isn’t going to make it better, nor is guilting myself for being reactive in the first place.
      
      Thanks again for holding space for me and, in doing so, reinforcing the actual pattern of goodness for me to recognize in the aftermath. I’m glad I brought this situation up, as conflicted as I was to do it. AFGO. I welcome your additional lump/split spotting; it’s a tool I’m not yet as facile with.
      
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3. Bonnie G June 18, 2021 at 2:31 am
  
  LOVE this.
  
  Okay. Let’s play with the wins in this.
  
  What a wonderful, clear, OMG-so-big-and-bright red flag did you get!! Right?
  
  As much as I hate the stuff sticking in the craw and going on loop and feeling like it needs attention (eeeeeee, primal brain and how BAD you make it feel when someone isn’t in our third and we want to WORK ON THAT rather than caring less about it — you are SO GOOD at your job), let’s look at places this could’ve been better set up for caring less.
  
  1. Setting Baseline Criteria before reaching out. BC = reach out. BC = start the ball rolling. BC = come from a place of high enoughness. BC = determine if this is going to be a good fit.
  
  2. Setting Bonus Points before reaching out. BP = it’s a great fit. BP = we’re perfect for each other. BP = this is going to be my creative home for years to come. BP = I’m even praised for my brilliance and whatever else.
  
  That way, when the reply comes in (whether it goes “Aww,” or “Dear actor,” or whatever), BC is met already and all we’re looking for now are BPs. No BPs? No problem.
  
  THEN it’s just dealing with the sting of having been “aren’t you cute”-d.
  
  Which, of course, is how I started out: elated that the red flags are SO CLEAR because OMG I’d rather learn someone’s going to be a patronizing misogynist before I plunk down money to work with him than AFTER I do that, get vulnerable in a class, and THEN get served up his real feelings about people who don’t have whatever it is that makes him decide they’re enough. (BTW, he doesn’t decide who’s enough. Ever. Only we get to decide that for ourselves, always.)
  
  I think — for me — replaying the experience and turning that Rubik’s Cube over and over and over some more, trying to solve it, is all just Gloop keeping me in fight or flight, getting the good brain chemicals, and using yet another really sticky, yummy, easy-to-fall for scenario (good costume, kid) because it involves someone not liking me/not understanding me (Population of Thirds), my having let my enoughness get out of my own hands (by not setting Baseline Criteria ahead of time with this person/this exchange), and the element of surprise (when we can’t see it coming, it’s got that novelty factor, which is HUGE in the addiction, brain-craving, going-on-loop territory).
  
  Hope you’re starting to feel some relief around this. I say: “Dodged a bullet.” (Same thing I had to start saying to myself about the colleague who lost her shit at me re: the story I kicked off this month’s lesson with. Had that not happened, I’d have said YES to collaborating with her at some point and OMG at the drama that would come from that — especially now that I’ve heard a story from another colleague about her tendency to lose her shit over stuff like social media following. DODGED A BULLET.)
  
  You got a gift, with this shitty email from this guy. So much time, money, energy, future emotional turmoil spared.
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:35 am
    
    OMG, YES. The biggest effing bright red flag!! You’re absolutely right- it is a GIFT. THANK YOU.
    
    And you’re right about wanting to work on that as if it’s something I can actually fix or correct on myself. Because my god, what a deliciously complicated and insoluble puzzle (here’s where my ego will step in and say “but I can solve it”). Best Gloop costume so far. Ooof.
    
    Thank you also for this setup framework, I’m absolutely writing it down and consciously implementing it next time. I’ve been flying without a complete plan, it seems. Or, in another metaphoric image, I’ve skipped the setup and just launched into the trick. (I know better as a dance teacher- good preparation, good trick. Bad prep, and you’re just crossing fingers.) I’m grateful and appreciate the reminder of all the winning I overlooked playing with. Let me go wash off this poop I was playing with instead.
    
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JudyKerr June 18, 2021 at 7:53 am

I’m Aquarius so was my mother and grandmother – they were good. I didn’t recognize or appreciate how good my mom was until now. I need to study her more she lived to 96. My grandmother lived to 92.

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1. Stephanie Bergeron June 18, 2021 at 11:54 am
  
  My Dad’s an Aquarius too, and he’s incredible at “care less” (often cajoling me for caring so damn much it hurts- no surprise my Aq isn’t prominent in my chart). Adding to the admiration society, here. 🙂
  
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JudyKerr June 19, 2021 at 8:13 am

Loved the zoom. I want to stay out of the past. I’m caring so much less about the family I’m playing the song less I care 70% less. I’ve opened my eyes in many other easier areas to care less about. It’s wonderful and a relief.

With this growth I look back to 1-4-19 the day Frank told me our life had changed and I took it okay I’ve rebuilt my life but I could have cared less and made it so much easier. The caring/ego gave me so much anger and wasted time there’s so much to regret. I have my hard heart against the family no reason to soften – pray to never lay eyes on any of them again and I’ve forgiven and understood.

Now I must stay out of the past I could beat myself up for caring and I could continue to indulge in the shame of being rejected but why? I’ve rewritten my perception/story in the present and that is going to gently soften that past with me just letting it float away I’m thinking. Just letting it go. It’s too much energy to clean up the past I’m finding so many things to care less about right now they keep popping up. I’ve cared way to much. I can grow here.

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KathiCarey June 20, 2021 at 5:33 pm

I’ve been really thinking a lot about the zoom for the last few days, especially the idea of “what if I’ve hit baseline criteria OF MY LIFE/OF MY CAREER and it’s all bonus points at this point?” What an intriguing concept, and a little scary and freeing at the same time.

I started talking with Dave about it. We had an interesting conversation about a friend and colleague of ours. Most of you probably won’t know him. We met him when we participated in a singing show that he created back before The Voice and American Idol were hit TV shows, but it was a singing/performance-type show along those lines. He was, at that time, a big star, headlining shows in Vegas, Tahoe and Reno. He went on to host one of the top game shows of the day (Hollywood Squares). Then he hosted the top-rated reality show (That’s Incredible). He was the heir-apparent to host The Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was talking about retiring (although Johnny stayed on longer and he ended up not getting that slot), and he even did guest stars on TV — he played a transgender character on Streets of San Francisco before those types of roles were really being written for… anyone. And then, after some Broadway and Branson, he quietly moved away to New Hampshire and reinvented himself as a singing troubador, learned how to play the guitar and is happy as a clam to come out of the pandemic by opening up a place called Club Sandwich. He’s living his “bonus points” and loving every minute of it. I remember back in the day he desperately wanted his own talk show. I think he even got a daytime one for a short period of time. But he seems so much happier now than he was then. I feel like I need to incorporate more of the “I’m doing what makes me happy” into my daily life and less of the “why can’t I be doing [this] or [that]” or “I’ll be really happy if I could only do [this] or [that]”. I’d like to think that I HAVE hit my baseline criteria and what I’m doing now is bonus points.

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1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 5:02 am
  
  How beautiful. It’s good to “hear” his story turning out so sweetly. Thank you for sharing about Club Sandwich. That happiness is everything, isn’t it? Glad you and Dave have workshopped this a bit and I hope you’re enjoying living in Bonus Points even just now and then, to take the pressure off.
  
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JudyKerr June 21, 2021 at 6:19 am

Ah Kathi to me it looks you’re in BONUS POINT time now! You’ve worked in so many areas of our business I’ve always been fascinated with the lives you and Dave have built. Yes celebrate now! ❤️

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KathiCarey June 21, 2021 at 2:02 pm

Thank you Judy. After posting this and giving it lots of thought, I am definitely going to start leaning in the direction of “I’ve hit baseline criteria of my life and my career.” I love the feeling of that — it’s just so freeing. Yes, I have projects that I’m working on that I’d love to do (OF COURSE!) and Yes, I have projects that I’m thinking about that I’d like to (possibly) approach in the future, but I’m feeling like this BC mindset is giving me all sorts of emotional freedom to let go of the striving. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life striving — striving for goals, striving for perfection, striving to live up to the ideals (spoken or unspoken) that my parents set in order to be loved by them (that’s a whole ‘nother story). I’m done with the striving. Striving just leads to the feeling of “not achieving” or, for me, “not quite achieving” because there’s always something else I could’ve done or some other, higher, level I could’ve achieved if I’d just done a *little* bit more. NOPE. I want to be done with all that. I AM working the muscle on being done with all that. My new mantra is I’ve hit baseline criteria and it’s all bonus points. What I’m doing now is for fun — bonus points. This way I can care just a little bit less… maybe a lot less. We’ll see.

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1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 4:59 am
  
  Love this. Love you.
  
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JudyKerr June 24, 2021 at 9:09 pm

Yes Kathi – I’m in bonus point territory and l have projects and want to create more. I suppose we are always the one who makes the decision when baseline criteria is met. I agree striving is not where I want to spend any time these days.

One of my daughters and a friend are listening to me go on and on about caring less this month and wanting more. I get to talk about the tools and how I’m trying different ones – I learn best when I’m teaching its so very beneficial.

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KathiCarey June 25, 2021 at 1:28 pm

Isn’t it amazing how, in teaching others, we learn so much ourselves?
Much LOVE!!

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1. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 4:33 am
  
  ALWAYS.
  
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JudyKerr June 28, 2021 at 11:25 am

I’m changing, I’ve shifted gears, I’m caring less. I’m understanding caring less more than I ever thought possible. I’m seeing that I can’t NOT care less about the past – it’s why sensory work, works – I can care less now, so good next month is about being present. I find myself thinking about something in the past and hurting or agonizing and then changing my mind to the present moment where I hardly care about what I was agonizing over. This is a great tool – staying out of the past – oh yes!

The last few days I’ve felt a darkness being lifted. They had Frank’s memorial last week and I heard I was mentioned kindly, I didn’t care but nice to hear and so the curtain falls on our life together. It was so helpful adding that song as a tool I played it every day during my morning routine I played it for the last time this morning – I don’t need it anymore.

I feel like I’m in a new life after covid it seems much freer, each journey out seems like a big event, adventurous. I don’t have much scheduled but there are tasks to be done. I don’t know how to say it, I don’t understand it yet but I’m seeing and loving my growth around this. Thanks Bonnie and Keith this came at the perfect time in my life – I’ve grown! Yippee!

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1. KathiCarey June 28, 2021 at 12:58 pm
  
  This is so beautiful Judy. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m learning from you every time you post. Yay!
  
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  1. JudyKerr June 28, 2021 at 3:50 pm
    
    Thanks Kathi it is so wonderful to be in this community, we have a place to figure things out! ❤️
    
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2. Stephanie Bergeron June 28, 2021 at 7:15 pm
  
  Applauding that beautiful growth you’ve shared!!
  
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3. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 4:11 am
  
  How absolutely beautiful. Thank you, Judy. And what a nice closure to the Frank chapter.
  
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  1. JudyKerr June 30, 2021 at 8:19 pm
    
    Yes nice closure – sweet memories. I’m so much lighter, I can care less, lovely!
    
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Kimberly Logan June 28, 2021 at 11:49 am

OMG – I’m watching the replay and you just mentioned The Money Pit.
I literally just posted in the Discord a Gif from that because I also just found out that there’s a mold issue in my condo’s ceiling (the tenant has been staying in a motel 5 weeks already for a plumbing issue and now there’s NEW problems!!).
Oh, Universe….

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1. Stephanie Bergeron June 28, 2021 at 7:13 pm
  
  I was relistening a few days ago, and something similar happened to me… I had IG opened briefly, and an A-H post went by in my feed repeating a sentence Bonnie said mere seconds later. Oh, Universe is right!
  
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  1. Stephanie Bergeron June 28, 2021 at 7:17 pm
    
    (And of course, sending you good vibes to easefully get through the mold issue, and not be a cast member of “The Money Pit 2”. 😉 )
    
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  2. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 3:01 am
    
    Oooooooooh.
    
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2. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 4:10 am
  
  WHOA!
  
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BiancaStein June 28, 2021 at 9:23 pm

It’s wild to hear Keith bring up the ideology of hitting our baseline criteria for life because I have been circling thoughts around that for the past half year. & hearing it conceptualized like that nailed it home for me. I’ve been realizing that even when I have everything I say want, I’ll still have days where I feel like xyz. Obtaining goals or accomplishments doesn’t get rid of doubts, boredom, sadness, etc. So what if I can feel the joy for everything I have now & have coming, while still holding space for what I feel in each moment before & between & after that? & somehow that opens up the freedom to be wherever I am today emotionally, because I’m not feeling what I’m feeling bc I LACK anything or need to DO something about it. I feel what I feel because I’m a human moving through the contrast of life. I feel what I feel & it does not define me or what I’m capable of or what I haven’t done yet. I can feel highs & lows without using them as a barometer of how I’m doing. Living in the little moments & realizing that there isn’t much more to life. We can attach all kinds of meaning to events in our life but at the core of it all, when we sit under a tree & watch the leaves blow in the wind – that’s all there is. We’re all just passing time. & that is SO enough.

Also, I had similar weird social situation like what happened at the beginning of this month’s log. Someone got really upset with me when I had to reschedule & I immediately felt myself needing to make them feel better. But I sat through that then moved through feeling slightly defensive. Sat through that, & finally formed a response that held space for how she was feeling while being firm with my own boundaries. It’s wild how we can all perceive the same situations so differently. & it’s all valid but it can be messy sometimes. It ties in beautifully with the caring less lesson. I cared about this person’s feelings but I didn’t let it override the care for my own. It’s funny I feel because I prioritized my boundaries, I was able to empathize better. Because I knew my feelings were valid, so hers were just as valid. There’s no right or wrong. We’re all just perceptions trying to be understood.

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1. Kimberly Logan June 29, 2021 at 7:21 am
  
  “I feel what I feel because I’m a human moving through the contrast of life.” <–brilliant.
  
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2. Stephanie Bergeron June 29, 2021 at 7:32 am
  
  “I can feel highs & lows without using them as a barometer of how I’m doing.” Yes! I definitely have a habit of measuring without realizing it, so thank you for sharing. Your whole comment is resonant.
  
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3. Bonnie G June 30, 2021 at 3:01 am
  
  This! Is! All! So! Good!
  
  THANK YOU, Bianca, for this beautiful share. So so so good.
  
  A few years back, I started waking up with the mantra, “There is nothing to fix.”
  
  It was meant to keep me from going straight into problem-solving (therefore problem-perceiving) mode. It was meant to keep me from making the first words I share with my love/partner/boyfriend/best friend/husband something about what needs to be done to make something (wrong) better. It is now something I use for brain training to try and stop the anxiety that needs an OUT in the form of so so so much chatter and noise and business and attention on so many things at once.
  
  Just allowing myself to be single-task focused (whatever the opposite of multi-tasking is) is the work right now. Not rushing to fill the HOLE all the time. Allowing what is.
  
  Oh, this just all flows so nicely into July’s topic. I would usually say “Can’t wait!” here. But I can and I will. Because all we have is now. Ever. Always.
  
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The Dojo The Dojo

Expansive Capacity – June 2021

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