Hello you beautiful people. It’s time to dive in on our topic for October!
This month is all about your relationship with belonging. I love this topic so much, I have a freakin’ tattoo about it.
Before we go deep on the type of belonging I’m talking about in that vid, let’s first take a look at the bigger, cultural, societal, evolutionary sense of belonging — belonging to a group, the act of “othering,” community rules, cultural norms, and the like.
We know from our time spent with good ol’ Kerwin Rae that we will even sabotage our own dreams and the goals we have for being our best selves, living our best lives… IF our community, family, friendgroup, etc., causes us to feel “othered” when we are successful. Any kind of being different we choose to do is making us less safe, as far as the primal brain is concerned. There’s that 10% different thing again, right?
This hard-wired instinct is confirmed by life experience in our younger years thanks to things like popularity, in group/out group, wrong side/right side of the tracks, systemic racism, hetero gender norms, body shame, ableism, and good ol’ capitalism + patriarchy combos of all sorts. We don’t even realize how socialized we are to continue confirming our evolutionary wiring with our everyday choices… and then we wonder why it feels like shit when someone dislikes us even the tiniest bit.
The reason we stay focused on our haters and “meh” folks in the population of thirds is because there’s a part of our brain telling us that those people NOT being our superfans is something that could make us DEAD. It’s a threat so big that we believe “fixing it” is key to our survival.
So let yourself off the hook when you can’t seem to let go of the mindfuck that is someone looking at you sideways, a rando giving a post of yours a weird emoji or comment, or a bestie ghosting you. The reason it feels so wrong is because there’s a part of our brain that gets a hit of confirmation that we DO NOT BELONG and therefore are more likely to die.
Of course, unlike in our caveman days, we’re not only in one small group collected around a fire, hunting and gathering as a fam, risking death if we’re shunned from the group because being even a few feet away from basecamp could result in being eaten. No, no… today, we’re in dozens of groups. Possibly hundreds of them. Thanks to our wireless access to the world, we’re bombarded with myriad standards and norms and cultural rules and what it takes to NOT be othered in a bajilliondy different spaces and we’re trying to maintain personae that allow us to stay “in crowd” with all of them. Simultaneously. Which is freakin’ impossible… and we wonder why our nervous systems are so damn stressed out!
Our instinct — and evolutionary pressure — to constantly prove that we belong to groups is what drives our need to outsource our enoughness. To check with others for cues as to whether we’re getting it right. To need validation and reinforcement that our choices are safe and good. That WE are safe and good. And it is precisely because we outsource all of that stuff that we are largely incapable of coming to a sense of our own enoughness without specific, focused inner work to get there (and regular workouts to maintain the muscles for that preferred, high-enoughness state).
By the way, just by being here, you’re doing that work. You’re showing up for yourself, opening your mind to these concepts and tactics for self-healing, and hopefully learning to connect with your inherent sense of belonging from within, more and more. Interestingly enough, as we buoy our resting state of enoughness, our internal sense of belonging improves, causing our NEED to feel confirmation from outside sources to dissolve.
How lovely!
So, let’s turn to the inner state of belonging now that we know where our primal setpoint lives in the bigger picture of belonging to groups of any kind. I will encourage you to get into the habit of dialoging with your primal brain as we do this work. I regularly say, “Good job, brain. You caught that threat. Stand down. We are safe.” Often, that is enough to turn down the volume on primal brain’s flare-ups. Flare-ups, by the way, that feel way bigger than all the problem-solving we try to do from our modern, executive-function brain space, y’all.
I once heard the saying, “We are running happiness software on survival hardware.” I like that. It’s a really good framework for how we’re having this conversation using software that is strung around the hardware of “Am I safe? Is that a threat? Could I die now?” constantly humming in the background. As we try to navigate these real-life situations from our evolved brain, if we neglect primal brain’s hard wiring, we’re going to get waylaid by ego hits and rejection and things coming from out of left field.
Ah… but if we acknowledge what primal brain is up to, we can move confidently around using evolved brain, even detaching from that need to be loved, to be approved of, to belong. “Detaching” sounds like a harsh word, maybe, so let me soften it by saying what we’re going for here is a less need-based desire. Having the desire to connect with others because it feels good. Having the desire to fit in because that’s a nice feeling. Having the desire to enjoy the company of lots of different groups without having to constantly switch up who we are in order to navigate each of them differently because OMG all that switching is exhausting, right? BUT not *needing* any of that.
Desiring things without needing them is a core ingredient of enoughness.
I’m going to use my mother’s enoughness as a point of illustration here. She had some of the lowest enoughness I think I’ve ever witnessed. I say “I think” because of course she died long before I would’ve considered measuring something like “enoughness,” but as I do my work in this area, I can see where she had SYMPTOMS that were her point of focus, but the CAUSE was always low enoughness. She was ALWAYS struggling to prove she belonged, while privately agonizing over the worry that maybe she actually didn’t belong.
For example, she was undereducated for her own standards. In her mind, to be well-educated was to prove your value, your worth, your right to belong. And rather than find ways to go back to school and “fix” that symptom, she instead made sure her kids felt the pressure to be very well-educated. So much so that one of her greatest perceived failures as a parent was having one of us drop out of high school and another of us (me) drop out of her PhD. It didn’t matter that I was the first in the fam to get a master’s degree. I didn’t go all the way. And I could have. That meant, to her, SHE failed.
Another of her “failures” was in her physical body’s shape and size. She had been a teeny kid and teenager and then had her first child at the age of 19 and her body was never again teeny. For most of the time that I was around, in her life, she was obese. And she hated that. Unlike the going back to school “fix,” she very definitely tried every diet and took every pill and bought every home-equipment thingy and really put the pressure on her only daughter (again, me) to do whatever it took to be fit and, ideally, thin. If I were heavy, SHE failed.
Now, someone of high enoughness can weather being undereducated and overweight and honestly never even really focus on those issues at all. But someone of low enoughness will use those symptoms to help their primal brain feel at risk. Of dying. And that is why low enoughness creates massively high stakes around something that’s actually not that big a deal, when it comes to our belonging.
And then sometimes, the stakes actually *are* massively high (see: being Black; being gay; being Muslim; being female; being *anyone* whose enoughness has nothing to do with their inherent sense of safety in certain spaces, ever). I want to be sure to take a moment here to clarify that being a member of an oppressed group creates issues of safety that are NOT imagined; that are NOT primal-brain-centered only.
How do we know the difference?
We play a game I like to call “ego vs. soul” about it.
Let’s go back to the Bonnie’s-mom-example about how she did not feel as though she belonged due to her own limitations in being educated. She (Charlsie) came from Depression-era parents who worked in a factory (Cleo) and a steel mill (Edd). These were blue-collar folks who maybe made it through gradeschool. Maybe. That Charlsie married her high school sweetheart (Charles) had everything to do with the fact that his family had gone to college, and she wanted the feeling of BELONGING that would come with marrying into something she had no family-based experience with. No role models for. No expectation of, even for herself. And if she could create a family that also valued — and got — a lot of education, that would prove that she belonged to a group *different* than the poor, blue-collar one she came from.
I’ll note here — in case it’s not so clear — that my mother had loads of judgment toward the family she came from. By the way, the act of judging people for being X is how we prove to ourselves that we’re not X. If I judge you for being stupid, it means I’m smart. But if I have high enoughness around my level of smarts, there is no judgment about our difference in levels. If I judge you for being racist, it means I’m anti-racist. But if I have high enoughness around my level of anti-racism, I can observe you where you are and desire better for you and from you, and it is specifically because I do NOT judge you for being where you are that we actually have the chance of coming together through our convo. If I judge you, though, I am pushing against what I want to prove to myself and to the world that I am not… and I’m closing the door to any sort of connection. More importantly, I’m revealing my low enoughness about anti-racism. Maybe it’s because I’ve recently revisited actions, thoughts, words, experiences from my past through a lens that reveals *I* have been racist and I really, really, really don’t want to be that.
Here’s the ego vs. soul way to know for sure: I label myself as anti-racist. How do I feel about anyone BEING WRONG about me, with that? How would being misunderstood, regarding this one position, feel?
It would suck for my ego; but my soul knows the truth. And my sense of belonging is secure, because of the sentence I shared above: the act of judging people for being X is how we prove to ourselves that we’re not X. So someone judging me (incorrectly) as racist displays how much they want to prove they’re NOT racist. How wonderful! As someone who wants fewer racists in the world, this person’s misjudgment of *me* just showed me something beautiful about this person’s desires.
~ My soul knows this is all good news.
~ My ego may want to fight to be sure *I* am not mislabeled.
A sense of belonging involves releasing the fear of what it means when others are totally wrong about you.
Be secure enough in your own knowing of who you are that others’ perception of you is just data.
You do know that we have very little control over what others think of us, right? Heck, going back to the population of thirds, you know that a lot of it is just freakin’ CHEMICAL. There’s nothing we could change about ourselves, much less a point we could argue, that would suddenly make someone who has a visceral response to us (or our words or our actions) UNDO that brain chemistry. It’s not possible.
Right this moment, someone is labeling you the worst thing they possibly could. Someone else is saying the meanest thing about you ever said. It’s happening and you won’t find out about it for a while (if ever). And it’s happening to all of us, always.
How did that make you feel?
Separate out how that made your ego feel… and how it made your soul feel.
My ego goes, “Hey! Fuck off! I’m amazing!!” and my soul goes, “Aw… okay.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Further, my soul knows there’s something their soul needed in that exact moment that was fed by whatever it was that they said or thought about me. Good! The soul being fed is always a beautiful thing.
And if you’re thinking, “But Bon! It’s their mean old EGO that said that stuff; not their soul!” I will ask you… are you judging that thing they said as an ego thing as a way to prove to yourself that *you’re* not prone to coming at such things via your ego?
Ooh.
That’s good.
Essential to our sense of belonging is knowing that everyone is responsible for their own feelings (including us, being responsible for ours). Anytime you get into a position of feeling as though you “should” behave a certain way or show up inauthentically so that you can BELONG, I’d like to remind you that should is the voice of shame. The word “should” already has an emotional signature of “I don’t want to”. Ask yourself — if you are operating from your soul and you are not in judgment of the situation you’re facing (or the people in that situation) and you know you are safe (“Good job, brain. We are safe.”) — what you WANT to do.
This is belonging.
Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you. — Brené Brown
Since one of the things that creeps up as we look into belonging is impostor syndrome (back to the vid up top and needing the “I belong here” reminder), I’d like to share 5 signs we’re needing to do enoughness work.
~ You’re focused on people-pleasing.
~ You’re using perfectionism or overwhelm to keep you from moving forward.
~ You’re downplaying ways you KNOW you’re enough.
~ You’re violating your own boundaries.
~ You’re playing the comparison game.
When you notice any of these 5 signs becoming a bigger player in your life, it’s time to play ego vs. soul, thank your primal brain for trying to keep you safe, or make a little belonging pie (yay, pie!).
For your deeper-dive work on this, between now and our Zoom, I’d like for you to do a pie of belonging using a few of the “Qualities of Belonging” from Christine Wong Yap. Here they are:
accepted • access • agency • authenticity • autonomy • confidence • connectedness • continuity • family • familiarity • growth • meaning • safety • self-worth • well-being
Using 6 or 8 slices of pie, choose from these (or add any of your own that feel as though they’re a component to your ability to feel as though you belong), label your pie, and rank each of the slices using a 1-5 scale.
As you navigate life for the next couple of weeks, I’d like you to commit to checking out expectations and decisions and beliefs and behavior from a place of ego vs. soul (just label; don’t judge). I’d also like you to identify how your impostor syndrome shows up the most. And finally, create that pie of belonging.
As you do these things — and as you move through the day to day — use liberally my “Good job, brain” self-coaching so you can really see how easy it is to settle down the primal brain, get into less high-stakes places with this stuff, and realize you’re actually soooooooooo enough and you sooooooooo belong.
Pop your findings in the comments below, lovelies! I’m excited to see where this work takes you!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
If you’re dealing with things in your own chart that don’t blend so well with all the charming, indecisive Air of Libra, some of this month’s flavor will grate on you. Of course, we can always lean into the days that are most favored to help us maximize our starting point, and that’s what these two laps of the calendar are all about!
All right… big astro has some biggies for us, as we can come to expect from “big astro,” right? (As always, we go deep on this in Aligned Advantage — and you get a free You in the Stars profile report when you enroll.) I’ll recommend you give lots of space to just about everything this month. Count to 10. Stay off the internet. Take a nap. Seriously. All of that.
We kick off with a full moon in Aries on the 1st. Release attachments to things started in March as well as any grudges or impulsive behavior you’d like to see diminish. When Venus moves into Virgo on the 2nd, watch love get more practical (acts of service FTW) and look for healing arts to bring you more money. When Pluto goes direct on the 4th, finally that planet of transformation can resume bringing about massive change rather than focusing us inward quite so much.
On the 9th, when Mars (retrograde) squares Pluto, watch out for power struggles, issues of boundaries, and ego amp-ups. Ugh, like we need that right now! On the 12th, we’ve got Jupiter sextiling Neptune, bringing about some seriously expansive thinking (and feeling) in ways that bring magic to the greater good (thank God).
The big thing most will be talking about this month is Mercury going retrograde on the 13th (which honestly isn’t at all that big a thing, by comparison; it’s just the thing we’re most familiar with compared to everything else that’s going on this month). Not only will Mercury retro bring us the usual tech snags, crossed wires of communication, and misunderstandings about details but also loads of suspicion and even paranoia as we get confused trying to get to the bottom of things. (Is it too soon to say “Ugh!” again, here?)
We have our new moon in Libra on the 16th and this is a fabulous day for planting seeds, setting intentions, creating vision boards, etc., around partnerships (romantic or business). Specifically, think about how you’d like this area of your life to improve over the next six months. That’s the power of this new moon in Libra!
On the 18th, Mars (still retrograde) squares Jupiter and that makes for some big-ass power struggles, boundaries being tested, and more ego crap. Didn’t we *just* do a version of this dance with Pluto on the 9th? Yup. The 2020 traveling partners (Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto) are really getting on everyone’s nerves and the planet of war (that’s Mars) being in Aries (extra fiery) squaring everything is just a twist of the Capricorn knife at this point.
What did I say up top? Naps. Chilltime. Counting to ten. GETTING OFFLINE. Seriously. This month is gonna require it.
We shift from lovely Libra season to intense Scorpio season on the 22nd. Intensity! What a great idea! Venus moves into Libra on the 27th, making our romance, values, and how we see beauty turn a bit more detached, quite charming, even idealistic. On that same day, Mercury (still retrograde) moves back into Libra and that means it’ll ease up on suspicion and be a bit more compassionate, focused on diplomacy… but also hella indecisive. Ugh.
We end the month with its second full moon… on Halloween. Of course. It’s a Taurus full moon, so that means letting go of indulgences, stubborn rules we keep for ourselves, and ways in which we refuse to open our minds to seeing other ways life can be.
Now let’s hit our moons and numerology for best GSD (get shit done) days. Saturday the 3rd is great for collaboration and big-picture money planning. Do some decluttering on the 4th. Get going on some writing or speaking on the 5th and wrap up with some editing of that work on the 7th. The 9th can be good for self-care (make it fun) and on the 10th and 11th, you’ll want to be seen… perfect for National Coming Out Day!
I love love love the 12th for the Leo moon shifting into Virgo late that night, under an 8 numerologically. This is seriously one of my favorite days (especially combined with the big astro of it, above) and not just because it’s our nonaversary. 😉
You’ll want to GSD on the 14th for sure, somewhat on the 15th, and definitely on the 16th. I like the 17th for research and the 18th for a little whimsy (just watch those snags I mentioned above). And on the 21st, you’ll feel like putting in the work (and it’ll do you a lot of good). Yay!
On the 23rd, you’ll be able to mobilize a group and your charisma for that will be lit up. I would suggest that you start something new with these folks, here, except Mercury’s in retrograde (don’t start no shit; don’t sign no shit) so only if you’ve drawn up the plans for the start-up before the 13th would I advise that.
The last two real GSD days are the 28th (home focused, though) and the 30th (big-picture money planning or just working in the garden, y’all). Declutter on the 31st — shredding and shedding is great not just for the full moon but also that numerological 9 day… and Taurus moon means quality control. If it doesn’t make you feel GREAT, toss it, donate it, let that shit go.
Phew! That’s a lot. Love you beautiful people! 🙂
Stay ninja,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Friday, October 16th, at 12:30pm PDT. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email from Zoom with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. 😉
If you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Here is the replay of our October 16, 2020 work together. Let’s create that beat, that “count to 10,” that “1-2-3” OCD-inspired ritual before moving forward so we know that what we’re doing next — whether we call it “the next appropriate thing,” “next right actions,” or “tiny growth opportunities” rather than choosing the evolutionarily-hard-wired safest, least-expansive option.
Your ever-supportive and wonderful chat is here. Y’all *so* inspire me!
As we wrap up our work on Your Relationship with Belonging, here are some next steps and some questions for you to answer in your journal or below in the comments.
~ How will you add a ritual, a step, a *something* that buffers between the primal brain’s urge to stay safe and small and evolved brain’s drive to grow?
~ When impostor syndrome shows up for you, will you try my tactic of — instead of focusing on the self-love factor alone — thanking that indicator that this is a growth opportunity for showing up, doing the damn thing (even if you’re scared), and then celebrating with a reminder of “And I didn’t die”?
~ Remember the quote: “There are people less qualified than I am, doing the things I want to do, simply because they decided to believe in themselves.” And know it’s not that they have a higher sense of enoughness or a greater rooting of belonging; it’s because they’re doing the damn thing scared… and they didn’t die. (Neither will you.)
~ Using Dr. Brent Hogarth’s square of sense-of-self and the FEAR frame of varying thickness, how can you lessen the attempts to control by pulling inward and instead focus your energy on the opportunities to serve within your values?
~ Do some journaling around the Abraham Maslow concept of the Jonah Complex: To avoid [expected] punishment from society, the person “becomes humble, ingratiating, appeasing, or even masochistic. In short, due to fear of punishiment for being superior, she becomes inferior and throws away some of her possibilities for humanness. For the sake of safety and security, she cripples and stunts herself. That is, she is evading the task for which her peculiarly idiosyncratic constitution fits her, the task for which she was born, so to speak. She is evading her destiny.”
I’m so excited for our next focus: Your Relationship with Being Seen! This is one area I have ON LOCK. And as I dig into my own process for aligning with being seen — so easily and with minimal friction — I cannot wait to codify processes that will hopefully become easy for you as well! 🙂
I love you beautiful people!
As always, the comments area below is for you. You belong here. The workout you take part in here is a part of the inner work taking root. I so appreciate you all for being here for one another and for showing up for yourselves! It’s so so so important. You have beautiful gifts to share with the world and we love supporting you as you give yourself permission to shine fully.
Shine ON!
Hey hey! Question about the pie:
Are we using the number to attribute our general resting point with the quality?
For example, Bonnie your Fam slice is at a 7, am I translating it right to think it’s on the soul side of the scale, but ego is more likely to be involved or activated in this realm of your pie than say spirit, creativity, or career? And with those three, your way of relating to them sits closest to the souliest way the majority of the time?
Thanks!
Yes! That’s it. I get more into my ego when it comes to family issues and my preferred method of coping with a lot of the un-fun stuff is by just disconnecting altogether (which probably means even more ego — so lower number — than 7 if we want to get really nitty-gritty about it).
In my career area, I can feel my ego getting into it but it’s so teeny and short-term compared to how aligned and in flow and in service and connected and lit up I feel while in that slice of the pie. Again, if we want to pretty granular, I can parse out which types of tasks or issues will take me deeper into ego than I’d like to go, but overall, my soul is all sorts of lit up as I do the things I’ve built my career out of and that’s an easy way to see the potential for how good EACH of the slices of pie could feel… and that’s what shows me I have a more ego-based number in those other slices.
That’s not to say that ego always feels BAD as much as it means soul always feels really really good! Ego gets into figuring things out and maximizing effort… “effort” is such an ego construct!!
Does that help? Or make it even more complex? 😉 LOL
Hahaha it helps, and is more complex! 😛
Maybe it helps because it makes it more complex? Haha. Either way, it’s super clear for me now, thank you!
Oh, goodie!! 🙂 Feel free to play with variations on this and share if you come up with something that resonates more. There are so many ways to come at this… none of them wrong or right. 😉
Funny, it’s a 5 year for me, but a 4 year overall, so no wonder I’m feeling so torn! I’m also feeling an intense hide-away feeling, and I keep thinking of how you advised us to step away from social media and rest rest rest, Bon. I’ve been taking this to heart and REALLY have stepped back. I’m also thinking of earlier posts you did talking about, “How much energy do I want to expend to teach others how important it is to wear masks?” I can’t do it. I release, and I let go, and I am tending to my own garden.
I’m digging the ego vs soul stance. It makes me think of the piece in The Vault, and it’s such a good reminder. I have been getting into my Judge robes without fully realizing it, and everything you put into play here is incredibly helpful for letting go of that stance.
I really love the notion of thanking my primal brain. BOY is she in overdrive this month. SO much fear, which makes me realize how important it is to double down on creating my safe space. Focusing on deep breaths. I am safe, secure and protected by love at all times.
Gonna explore the pie chart. Ahhhhhh pie…… 🙂
i’m thinking apple or cherry pie…?
that ego v soul thang, right Laura?
i just copied this part that Bonnie wrote to read again & again:
“If I judge you for being racist, it means I’m anti-racist. But if I have high enoughness around my level of anti-racism, I can observe you where you are and desire better for you and from you, and it is specifically because I do NOT judge you for being where you are that we actually have the chance of coming together through our convo. If I judge you, though, I am pushing against what I want to prove to myself and to the world that I am not… and I’m closing the door to any sort of connection. More importantly, I’m revealing my low enoughness about anti-racism.”
i know that part of when my ego pops out it’s because i actually think i *might* be able to help someone perceive something differently. & then i think — REALLY, ZAYTOUN!?! YOU are going to help that shift occur when this nimrod is obviously CHOOSING to behave & think the way they are?!? (JUDGEMENT, MUCH?) but, it’s a great reminder!
plus, it’s not my job, even as a human on the planet.
i’m not there…yet, but because of my family, i’ve had a LOT of opportunities to practice. i can look at them & actually feel compassion (and some sadness) for where they are. i wish better for them, but i KNOW i can’t move that needle. not really. that said, i do know that through my actions, there have been some shifts, namely with my nieces, and it’s wonderful! AND — the grizzly bears in my family come at me harder and harder (herd mentality) as they observe this phenomenon. it’s really something to observe and i love having these discussions with y’all so i can better label what’s happening.
plus, you are part of the better people i choose!
Yes Constance I’ll take cherry pie ….. I loved that quote too – I’m trying to face the judging or is it judge the judging? I always like what you have to say.
thank you, Judy! the feeling is mutual.
& i’m a pie whore, but cherry is a fav!
I love you, Connie. Thank you for sharing this. I really needed it.
I have been struggling with family as well. Not my immediate family, but in-laws and cousins, mainly anti-maskers and people who are looking for a fight. In some cases, I’ve been under attack by people I never would have expected to come at me. When you wrote about The Grizzlies, girl, I sure know what you meant! And it’s shocking and disheartening, but the more I try to prove them wrong or prove my point or try to talk science or research, the more I engage in a tug of war with them which only creates more resistance. And there are so many lessons which are bubbling up from my soul: The War of Art, Louise Hay’s “Would you rather be right of would you rather be happy?” There’s also a great story by Shirley MacLaine about being in a legal battle where she realized at one point she just had to let go, and once she did, everything flowed. And that’s what my soul is telling me right now: “Just let go, Laura. Let go of it all.”
The Rebel Aries in me wants to fight. Boy, do I want to fight! But that inner voice which is encouraging peace for my own heart and mind? That’s what I’m choosing to go with right now. Breathing into every moment, taking everything one moment at a time.
And pie? I’d love some chocolate silk with a brownie crust or good old pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Yum!
Xoxo
i’m so loving all of this letting go! i’m with you, Laura–let’s let go & let flow! creating the space & grateful for what i do for myself & our community here!
that, & pumpkin pie!
Yessssssss for the pie! And I wonder if you can add a little spacework to this. Like, when you get in your judge robes, could you catch that happening, stand up, take off the robe, look at it with honor and admiration for its function and all it represents, then HANG IT UP, letting it know you are not wearing it right now. Spacework! Could you add that to this space you’re giving yourself to step out of judgment?
I’m really impressed with how great a job my amygdala is doing. I thank it for being REALLY great at spotting danger and protecting me. I mean… I’ve NEVER had such a fierce protector in my life (other than Keith) as my own amygdala. What a lovely gesture! How NICE to be so very well protected! I bet there’s a childhood me who would’ve loved to know she actually had a protector like that, all along.
Something to chew on. See you tomorrow, love.
Oh, that’s wonderful, Bon! I really love all the thankfulness you’re curating and encouraging.
Instead of judging myself for getting into Judge Laura stance, thank the robes and hang them up! Oh! That creates such a feeling of New Space! And you know what’s ironic? I just cleaned out part of my closet, so it’ll be real easy to hang those robes up! 😉
I had hoped to make the meeting yesterday, especially to celebrate your anniversary of sobriety, Bonnie, but I got stuck in another meeting and couldn’t be two places at once. Looking forward to observing the playback.
Much love!
All good, gorgeous. You were with us in spirit and I know you’ll enjoy feeling that presence in the replay!
am i recognizing those daily manifestations now more — ??
YOU BET!
(Laura & Deb, i’ve been thinking of you both for the past month. thank you for your support!!)
so in that vein, before i read this page today, i came across Viola Davis talking to Oprah. y’all may have head this, but i think what she’s expressing is so ON TARGET for what we’re discussing this month.
there are 2 clips:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdzDUuBxujk&feature=emb_logo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdS5227bmkA&feature=emb_logo
i think what she discusses in terms of what she *thought* success would be coupled with her low self-esteem are super interesting.
i’m also so curious about how artists still do their work at a high level without feeling they are enough or feeling that they belong. we’re creating a space for ourselves so that we can navigate this creative work with consciousness & authenticity so that ideally, we are present for all of the moments we live along this journey as creatives. i’m not sure how it occurs when one isn’t aligned. (though, obviously it does!)
more to discuss tomorrow, i know.
can’t wait!
i LOVE this list:
~ You’re focused on people-pleasing.
~ You’re using perfectionism or overwhelm to keep you from moving forward.
~ You’re downplaying ways you KNOW you’re enough.
~ You’re violating your own boundaries.
~ You’re playing the comparison game.
& i LOVE that my relationship with that list today is 180% different than it was a couple of years ago!
thank you, loves!!
smooches!
Beautiful work and how wonderful that your relationship with yourself and enoughness has evolved so much in such a short period of time! Just awesome!
What I like to think about with regard to artists being their most expressive and talented selves is that, if all we’re seeing of them is a guarded, blocked version at times, can you imagine what their talent would look like if they got out of the way of it?!? WOW!
So rather than asking how they do it at the times they doubt themselves, I like to imagine how much MORE talent they could let move through them if they stopped stepping on their own hose, allowing so much more to flow through them, freely.
Sort of like how I was such a high-achieving big-drinker. Look at all the success I was able to achieve while drinking all the time! And then, look at how much MORE I have been able to achieve since choosing sobriety. That is exactly getting out of my own way and allowing for how much more the universe has been TRYING to deliver to me forEVER. 🙂
How ’bout that?!?
Oh gosh, Z, thank you for sharing all of this! This Viola Davis links blew me away, because of the doubt she felt in receiving success and how it didn’t look how she thought it would. I wonder if part of that was ego vs. soul? And it made me think of how Bonnie prepared her nervous system for her adventure with Elizabeth Gilbert so she could embrace BELONGING there. Ah! What marvelous magic!
I went further with Viola’s interview and listened to her discovery of Receiving Love and it made me sob, because I have been afraid to ask for and receive help, and it’s there! We just have to be open to it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpMksju6njo
Thank you, Connie. Thank you for sharing your gifts and your toys. 🙂 Love you!
thank you for the yes, and & everything else here, Laura!
love you so!
My therapist asked me a couple of weeks ago if my perfectionism was worth the migraines, and the muscle tension, and the anxiety. And now, here you are calling it out again as a way to stop myself from really belonging. Leslie Odom, Jr. wrote a book and in it, he tells a story of Billy Porter encouraging him to let go onstage and see where the emotion could take him. Leslie didn’t want to do it because he wanted so much to be in control of the moment — he wanted to keep all of his preparation and careful craftwork. Because he thought it would protect him from criticism. Something about all of this is helping me connect those dots for myself.
Something else I’ve been doing a lot recently is any time I start to think “Oh look at So-and-so, they’re doing X. Maybe I should be doing X???” I say to myself, “Eyes on your own paper, Mae.” And then I turn off the screen, walk away from the internet, and do something I want to be doing.
I’ll be missing the Zoom tomorrow but I’m so looking forward to catching the replay!
Really wonderful dot-connecting, Mae! Thank you for sharing about your a-ha moment and that wonderful example from Leslie Odom Jr.’s life. SUCH a good illustration of how we keep ourselves safe with the illusion of control. And in so doing, we deprive our audience of our most connected selves. (Not to mention what we deprive ourselves of!)
Wow, Mae! WOW! Thank you for sharing this! I’ve felt myself seizing up when I do my voice lessons with my coach and it seems like he has to really help me get to a place of safety to just let the darned song go and be FREE. Reading what you wrote about Leslie Odom Jr. completely resonated with me and made me realize, I’ve got to let go! Let go and FLOW!
I’m also having that need to keep my eyes on my own paper, or as my therapist says, “Stay in your lane.”
I love what you wrote about steeping away to do something YOU want to be doing! It takes me back to, What gives you joy? What in this moment gives you joy? And then giving myself permission to DO that!
Thank you!
So powerful to realize that this desire to fit in is so deeply ingrained in our DNA. It’s hard when I don’t feel like I fit into my own family from the start. As an Aquarius kid growing up in a family of Tauruses, I never felt like I belonged. And now I’ve created my own family and I feel so disconnected from all of them — maybe it’s the ages my kids are at, but I’ve always felt that my moods, energy, or sense of humor just doesn’t click with my kids or husband most of the time. They generally think I’m weird. If I get 5 minutes a day when I feel like I connect with them, that’s a big win for me. So, for me, I’m always trying to fit into a mold that I’m never gonna fit into, and that’s before I decide to step into my own and separate myself from my tribe. I think on a deep level, I wanted to have kids so I would feel accepted and connected just as I am. Not feeling like I belong in my family feels painful at times. It’s not just how I feel in my family, it’s how I feel in lots of other areas of my life too. I feel socially inept, clueless, disorganized, and flakey. I don’t like to admit those things to anyone, I’m from a family who pretends everything is great even when it’s not. There, I’ve said it. It’s out in the ether. I take these feelings of not belonging and make them bigger than they need to be. I love acting so much because I have permission to be, I get to feel connected to all the parts of me, and being separate from the pack is an acceptable “part of the job.” In real life, I could benefit from focusing more on self-acceptance. I like the “talking to the primal brain” you mentioned above. Acceptance by others begins with acceptance by me. And that’s acceptance of all of my moods, energy levels, and immaturities.
YES to all of this, April. And so much of what you’ve described is just the truth of being an Aquarius. This is the sign that celebrates its innovative, inclusive, yet detached way of being. You’re not MEANT to connect too much with others! You’re meant to be a little weird! That you don’t *love* being that weird just means you’re very practiced at being made to feel as though you DO fit in (probably from childhood). I bet if we really teased this out, you’d find you don’t mind being “outsider status” that much AT ALL. The primal brain, of course, has other concerns. 🙂
Ooh! Following on Bonnie’s thread here, what if you really loved and celebrated your weirdness, April? What if by focusing on belonging to yourself is a key to being able to vibe with others?
I completely resonate with so much of what you wrote. I’m an Aries and was raised by water signs who kept trying to put my fire out because I was too big in energy and they didn’t know how to relate to it. Eventually they celebrated it, but only when I was onstage, so I learned that’s where it was ok to be big. But you know what? It’s OK to be big in our everyday lives too.
When I got an office job, I’d always feel so weird, turning down my volume, and yet I’d hit an audition at lunch and come back bigger than ever, and I realized, I don’t have to turn down my volume. When I focus on trying to be what they want me to be, or what I think they think they want me to be, then I’m miserable – just like with my family! But when I step back and take care of me and celebrate my weirdness, something shifts with them, and it’s ok.
Like Bonnie writes, not everyone is gonna get me, and that’s ok. But as long as I get me, as long as I’m in cahoots with celebrating myself, it doesn’t hurt anyone. It really doesn’t.
There are so many roles and rules we put upon ourselves. But if I keep going back to, What is the loving action I can take for myself? That seems to help me navigate through the strange waters of family. And the more I love and care for myself, the more I can share love with them, and it doesn’t matter what expectations they might have of me, because I love myself!
And you, April, I’ve seen you on Zooms. YOU SHINE!
When Bonnie wrote about you being an Aquarius, I had this vision of you dancing around to the song, Age of Aquarius. Because it’s your time, April!
Revel in your weirdness! Your “weird” is wonderful!
April I so identified with everything you said about being Aquarius and weird and then Bonnie said it – it’s because we’re Aquarian. And she’s right and thanks Laura I love – weird is wonderful!
Getting ready for our zoom – I’ve been writing this month and I’m a bit stunned. Frank has been at group home now two weeks. So much wrong and his family is happy and he can take anything. Facetime and phone reception very spotty. I’ve been back in therapy – big surprise I have to grieve again and he says when he dies I’ll grieve again. I grieved at the disconnecting a year and a half ago but it seems to be what I signed up for and it brings back fully my grief for my husband which is the true grief and never too far away. I’m grateful I like the drama. I belong with the widows.
I started walking with Bernie the day Frank left, he’s a good friend of Frank’s a year younger a widower, I knew his wife – so the music plays on. We’ve been out to dinner and now out to dinner tonight. And he’s walking a few steps longer every day. I can see something might develop so I’m hopeful life moves on. I belong with the walkers.
I made a cowboy song list for Frank we honed it over a few evenings and then the last three nights together we had the perfect 27 minutes. Now I’m using it as part of my mourning and play and walk and let the tears fly. I know you’ll appreciate it Bonnie so I’m giving you my list. Our Song – Willie; Blue Eyes Crying, Willie; Always on my mind, Willie; Good Hearted Woman, Waylon; He Stopped Loving her today, Waylon, Luckenback, Texas, Waylon: My Way, Willie. The Gambler, Kenny Rogers, We loved riding in the car and listening to Sirus Radio. So important to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. I’ve always been good about that even though it hurts like hell.
Great news, I’ve manifested great health. I had annual checkup yesterday all blood work great she says weight is fine don’t lose anymore and maintain this. So I’m eating better the therapist had some lessons for me and following a “too thin” protocol of counting calories and scheduled times to eat – eek. I can get out of this and besides Trader Joe’s Turkey Gobbler Wraps are back and I have no problem eating those. So I’m belonging in the good health group!!! Amazing!
Eager for the zoom to see people, times are tough for me right now but you and your lessons help tremendously. It was good to hear I’m in good company that you’re experiencing it too right now on yesterday’s zoom. I just am glad I’m here.
So many hugs and so much love, Judy. We’re *all* feeling some big emotions this year and I’m so glad for the connection you have with music and the walkers and this man and what a wonderful checkup! 🙂 Such good news. YES, I loves me a playlist!! 🙂 Thank you for sharing. I love how tech-savvy you are and it’s so good to get to connect with you here, always.
Of course I meant George Jones “He stopped loving…” I love those words tech-savvy you know I do but I don’t feel it – I’m so behind all of you all here. I so treasure our friendship and this community you’ve created for us!
Gosh, Judy, you a re such a beautiful writer! I really resonate with this: “I belong with the walkers.”
I’m so glad you’ve manifested good health! YES!!!
I love your celebration of belonging! You’re doing beautifully, lady. I’m glad you’re here too!
Thanks Laura, I’m so glad you’re here too I always love reading/hearing your thoughts.
Alex, not sure if you’ll see this but I was reflecting this morning during my Wii-Fit and Abraham-Hicks about our Zoom Friday and I got so grateful for your keen observation that Hogarth’s model for sense-of-self ran the risk of stepping all over boundaries you’ve bravely put up when it comes to people pleasing. That you spotted that is already amazing. That you asked for a way to still use the model while maintaining that boundary was epic. That you keep showing up for this work looking toward ways to make sure it works FOR YOU, practically, NOW… that’s leadership. Keep shining your light, Alex!! Really beautiful work. 🙂
Wow. Bonnie! That’s just…wow! I came here just come connect and see what the community was up to and I find this gift of gold in the sand. I’m so grateful to you, thank you!
And so so grateful to be with this community. So connective, so beyond supportive of each other and wanting to learn and grow together. I always feel that but it was really palpable on the last call.
❤️
Love, love, love.
whoa.. I am finally listening to the replay. “There are people out there less qualified than I am doing the things I want to do, simply because they decided to believe in themselves.” ouch.
I feel comparisonitis flaming up these days and it doesn’t feel good at all. So checking in here is really good. I am showing up. This too shall pass. 😉 And I know in less than two weeks I will feel a lot more at ease with myself again..
I am so bummed I can’t watch Viola Davis’ videos.. seems like you can’t watch them over here in Austria..
Oh no! Are you able to open a “private window” in your browser? Sometimes that will confuse the IP-address tracker, making it seem like you’re watching locally. Same with using a VPN. That’s stuff Keith knows more about than I do, but if the tech options aren’t for you, maybe someone could share the title of the vid so you could Google for a version that’s available to you in Austria?
So glad this landed well for you, Katharina. Please know that the impostor syndrome is a real thing, no matter how high up we go in the enoughness scale. It’s NATURAL. Do it scared. 🙂 That’s how we begin moving past that enough to get momentum flowing. I’m proud of you!
hey Katharina,
google:
Viola Davis’ Midlife Crisis | Oprah’s Oscar® Special | Oprah Winfrey Network
&
Viola Davis’ Battle with Low Self-Esteem | Oprah
they are both apart of the same interview.
hope you can find them on the YouTubes or somewhere…
oh, & this is the one Laura posted:
How Viola Davis Learned to Receive Love | Oprah’s Oscar® Special | Oprah Winfrey Network
Guys!! I just finished catching up on the bit of Oct that I missed and…lo and behold, I MANIFESTED next month’s topic, WOOHOO! Very excited to get down and dirty w being seen. ❤️
Well done, gorgeous!
Nice!
& i dig the value/true north possibility for december—setting us up for 2021.
but that’s future-thinking & it can all change, of course!
❤️ ❤️
☺️ ❤️
hey y’all – !
i did another relap before october comes to a close. so much yummy goodness in the discussion & on this page!
i’m thinking more about your discussion, Tamika, & how you do belong at this tier of acting with these auditions & Bonne’s comments of how we’re our own worst bosses because our brain thinks we’re gonna trick ourselves into getting killed…
there’s something here about the stakes i create around THAT THING i really want, & removing that attachment is not a habit, YET.
i’ve been thinking about how when i was a professor or how when i cook, even though i barely ever knew exactly what i was (or am) doing, i just fucking DID IT & DID IT WELL because it wasn’t THE THING. plus, i was already invited or hired to teach or folks wanted to eat, so my sense of belonging wasn’t tested. & the critic (Wilma) was fairly silent.
but — that paradigm shifts often (not always) when i audition, particularly for theatrical (not as much commercial–there’s hardly any prep for that). i imagine there’s a big “death fear” attached here, but i’m still a little stuck unpacking this one so i can remind myself on the regular. i’m certain we’ve covered this territory before, but it’s reappeared for me through this month’s discussion.
maybe the doomsday death gal’s name is Wanda, Wilma’s twin sister…
also, circling back to the Jonah Complex–again, wowza! i was struck AGAIN by the idea that my self-sabotage hurts me MORE than the punishment (from my family, namely) for being OTHER. look, i know i’m old as poop & to think that my family plays in any aspect of my life is almost laughable (they’re miles away, they have NO CLUE what i do, we live for very different socio-political standards, etc.), but apparently my evolutionary brain STILL holds onto the notion that they can KILL ME. & given some of their more recent actions toward me, the notion gets stoked, i imagine. & then, my brain thinks–“hey, maybe there really is a way to heal this chasm or function so that i can do what i do in a respectful space with them.”
well, i’m here to say, finally, FUCK THAT! i’ve been trying the latter for YEARS & it doesn’t work. AND THEY CANNOT REALLY KILL ME. Plu-leeze!
i am now sincerely curious about how i can remove both the appeasement/the humility and these punishing voices from having any access to me. (i began by blocking one of the worst perpetrator’s number from my phone.)
there’s something about my learning to LIVING OUT LOUD here, which i think is going to dovetail nicely into our BEING SEEN in december.
(oh, & of course, i’m now thinking of all the ways i can write the crazy i’ve experienced from these folks into the narrative of my work – ! heh, heh!)
smooches, y’all!
take care of yourselves & thank you, again, for this space.
Yes, this all goes beautifully with Being Seen next month. Very much so! Also, as someone “old as poop” (to use your phrase), I am actively going through removing attachments to stuff from my single-digit ages, and things reinforced by my mother long after my childhood. And keep in mind, my mother has been dead for nearly 20 years!! So… to ask how long before we’re OVER this stuff, for some of us, the answer is NEVER. And for other folks, the answer is: AS SOON AS YOU’RE READY TO LET IT GO, babe.
Have you revisited the cord-cutting work from Bree? Have you tapped this out with Dana? Tell me what sort of things you’ve done in the therapy (woo or traditional) area to really be done with the hold this stuff has on you.
Some of it is being a Taurus. Y’all hold onto things… a lot. Like, only second place to Cancer. (I’m waving at you, with this one. Probably a few others here, too.)
So can you lean into the non-Taurus strengths in your chart to start to let that connection go? There’s a part of your brain that fears letting go of that stuff that spooks you out before theatrical auditions will… what? What happens if you were to let go of that? What’s the bigger fear?
Deffo, we will work out a bunch more of this next month. I’m STOKED!
ooooolalee! such goodness here; it’s really hitting home.
i’m not sure if i remember the cord-cutting with Bree. Dana, being the intuitive smarty pants she is, did tap into (pun intended) how i can shine & be safe, even if folks have knocked me upside the head in the past for shining/being a superstar/etc., but i think we can go even deeper now.
what i’m also struck by is how i discovered, through years of traditional therapy, is that i am courageous. it took courage to do what i did in my 20s & early 30s in direct opposition to my family, though honestly, i was in so much pain at the time, i didn’t see it as courage. i was compelled to do what i did & make those discoveries, find awareness, etc. because i just couldn’t live any other way.
and taking that a step further — i think the next step in this process is the COURAGE to 110% live out loud. & i mean, really do it. i admire so many artists for doing just that & putting themselves out there. Steven Pressfield comes to mind here, too.
i’m headed over to look at my non-earth/taurus strengths in my chart. i seem to recall a LOT of fixed, too, so hmmmm… i may need some help unpacking how i tap into those places.
you wrote: “There’s a part of your brain that fears letting go of that stuff that spooks you out before theatrical auditions will… what? What happens if you were to let go of that? What’s the bigger fear?”
omg! cannot wait to unpack this one. right now it just makes me cry & i’m not sure what it all means.
i’m super-stoked, too!!
& curious.
so many smooches!!
Oooh Constance,
This is really good to read..Thank you for sharing.
Today’s full moon and Samhain may be a good opportunity to let go of some of those things.. Family attachments and stuff.. I turned 30 last Thursday and realised that I still care sooo much about
how my mom feels when I decide to live/do my own thing that I couldn’t even make plans for my birthday that didn’t involve her being happy. Bummer. My little animal brain going “noooooo if she doesn’t love you you will DIE!” I am so ready to let that go… and I am pretty sure it will take some time..
Katharina,
first of all–happy freakin’ birthday!!
to me, it sounds like you are well on your way to your path of awareness & letting go.
& i agree! i’m absolutely leaning into tonight’s full moon for letting go of my family communications/attachments & the fear of their punishment. with my being a taurus & this a full blue moon in taurus, i think tonight’s alignment + y’all’s encouragement will help me succeed!
so many smooches!
Happy birthday! I hope you’re loving your new year already!! 🙂 Beautiful release and good work, again and still. Yes, this work takes time. BUT… it’s definitely not necessary to carry around hurts for very long once we do the healing work. It’s actually instantaneous — and generational — sometimes. {{{hugs}}}
Happy birthday!!!
I’m going to comment on “Shine and Be Safe” for just a second… but before I do, I want everyone to know that I am aware that there are nut-jobs in the world, so sometimes “Be Safe” literally means in a physical, injury-avoiding, accosting-prevention way. But I want to talk about it from the emotionally vulnerable place, so I need everyone to understand that I mean “not actual physical threats to one’s safety.”
Ok… so, I introduce to you… feeling safe to shine, jackass style.
Have you ever been slapped by a three-year-old who was cranky for any number of reasons (e.g. hunger, tiredness, possessiveness over some toy, etc.)?
I have. And let me tell you, being slapped by a three-year-old who’s cranky feels a lot different than being slapped by a thirty-year-old whom you’ve just insulted or hurt in some way.
With the three-year-old, you pick her up and hold her close because you know she just needs a nap. The thirty year old, however, requires an evaluation of the interaction, and a decision on whether the slap was justified in any way, a modification of future behavior if the slap was warranted, and an apology if such is warranted (and probably even if it isn’t). It also might entail slapping back if your evaluation so indicates. We treat unaware reactions much more kindly than aware reactions, and we should. And this is my point.
I would like you to consider that shining like the lighthouse is going to get you slapped.
Most most most of the time, it’s going to come from someone who is unaware, and your light scares them (illuminating untapped potential within themselves making them feel bad), so they lash out in an attempt to return to the blissful darkness of unawareness.
As a kid, when we got slapped, it was because we’d done something “wrong,” and we learned to have negative emotions about ourselves when we got slapped. We carry these maladaptive, learned behaviors (emotional triggers) into our adult lives, and we can experience them whenever we get slapped, regardless of the context.
Consider that, as grown-ass-adults (and shiny-ass lighthouses), we need to actually evaluate what a slap means to us and our choices of direction… Rather than lumping all slaps into the childhood realm of “I must’ve done something wrong,” consider that the slap you experience may be the unaware slap of a cranky child, which should be ignored or treated with loving acceptance of the slapper’s inability to see the world the way you do. Evaluate what’s going on, and consider that the person slapping at you is doing so from a place of their own fear of you having Tall Poppy Syndrome(qv) or something worse, you shining a light on their own path to freedom (which comes with more personal responsibility on their behalf, which is scary).
For the most part, when you’re shining and you get slapped, work toward making your initial emotional reaction be in the manner of the adult getting slapped by the cranky toddler rather than the child being spanked for being wrong about something…
“It’s safe to shine” doesn’t mean you’re not gonna get slapped, it means that most most most of the time, the slap is coming from the noodley arm of a cranky three-year-old and can be treated thusly (meaning we barely feel it, and it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means the slapper needs a time-out or a nap).
btw DrZ, it’s safe to shine.
Thank you SO SO much for this Keith! I really needed to hear this. I talk about being emotionally slapped by my family from childhood and this phenomenal reframing is so useful to me now. To look for those clues as to who my true family is.
Thank you!!
Full moon! Time to release SO MANY THINGS!!!!
remember:
“Relatives are people with whom you share genetics.”
“Family are those people who are close to you.”
They are not necessarily the same people.
Hope that release was a WHOOOOOOSH for you, dear Alex. BTW, you posted this comment at 5:55. I love that!
Haha! Of course I did! Did I tell you how much numbers LOVE me these days?? I mean it’s humorous! I don’t know what it means but it makes me happy each time: xx:11 10:10 12:12 etc etc
❤️❤️
Abraham-Hicks says that’s confirmation of alignment. 🙂 I love it!
Keith, dear –
your thoughtful & insightful commentary is most helpful. most!
i KNOW damn well how ridiculously unaware members of my family are. years of therapy taught me that. they’ve not done the work & they don’t want to do it.
but your super-clear metaphor (child for adult) helps me make those connections. & i also realize, i keep looking to these presumably educated people as folks with a capacity for awareness. (if they choose that path, of course they can have it…)
but in the meantime, i will choose to remember that as of now (& probably until most of them die) they are 3 years old. right now, the slappers need a time out in my world. i’m closing the bedroom door. someday later i’ll have the space to open the door & give the hug. until the next tantrum…
i have felt guilty for so long about being bold/shining/doing me whatever that is, & i’ve always endeavored to take care of the myriad adults who “took care” of little Connie. as a kid, i tended to have enough hutzpah to sidestep their scorn (even though i was branded as too sensitive), but as i became an adult, i figured it out & found i needed to take care of their lack.
i so appreciate the reminder that when we shine, we WILL get slapped. but i will definitely work to remember that a) it doesn’t mean i’m a “bad person/i’ve done something wrong” as it did when i was a child & b) that slap is almost always about that other person’s cranky pants, unawareness, & fear.
i know i’m basically repeating back what you’ve already written, but it helps me to absorb it all.
that, & it’s beautiful.
so so many smooches!
& much love.
Yes Keith, Alex, Constance – I start to run when I sense a slap is coming but I can change my mind. That is so good to see it as a cranky three year old, I often feel like one myself. Thank you so many lessons this month.
I did get a glimpse of a “true north” for me after the last Bon Blast – it is so good. You’ve talked about it before but somehow I’m growing enough to have a doable dream again. It makes it so easy to know if the next steps in life lead toward the north or not.
❤️❤️❤️
Judy, love!
thank you! you are such an inspiration.
can’t wait to hear more about your “doable dream.”
so many smooches,
Constance
This makes me smile with glee, Judy. 🙂 You are such a part of our True North path (and always have been). I’m glad to know you’re getting glimpses of a dream again. How lovely.
Love you.
Remember to breathe…
That’s good! Just knowing that the question makes you cry is an indicator that the healing is in the answer. Be patient and keep playing with that. I love you.