All right, masterminders. Let’s do this!
ADMIN NOTE: Please scroll to the end of this month’s lesson for information about our live interactive mastermind meeting. Once the meeting has taken place, its recording will live here for you to review.
Storytime.
You enroll in a program with us. It’s going to be delivered electronically. This is our first “real” experience with one another. The program is designed to be largely passive. Once we set you up with the membership levels, the emails take care of the rest. Nothing massively high-tech. Pretty straightforward.
I notice you enroll using an AOL email address.
I roll my eyes. I take a deep breath. I am now aware that either I or members of my team will have to clock in multiple times throughout this “largely passive” experience to help you. Help you get your emails. Help you clear your cache. Help you find the PDF that “hid” from you when you downloaded it onto your machine. Help you understand that ZIP files cannot be extracted on a phone even though that’s clearly stated on the product page. Help you understand the internet, basically.
Because you’re using an AOL email address.
My expectations of you are ridiculously low when it comes to your level of tech savvy. My expectations of how high maintenance you’re going to be are strongly entrenched in more than two decades of interacting with AOL users ranging from students at the private school where I taught in the ’90s on up to the people Keith had to talk through tech support issues when he was working at Google or Yahoo or Microsoft (not to mention when he worked for AOL itself, long before we met). I have opinions about this that began before you even installed that free CD-ROM they sent you in the ’90s, offering you the chance to get on “the real internet” while hearing a voice say, “You’ve got mail!”
How much of the time are my expectations met? Almost every time. We even have a special code in our business — and in my show bible and in our customer service protocol — for dealing with the category of people that includes AOL users. Once you are labeled SFP in our world, you will always be handled differently.
Special Flower Protocol.
And when you’re labeled SFP but you’re actually *not* a pain in the ass who needs extra hand-holding and extra customer service and extra walk-throughs and extra explanation and extra step-by-step coaching, my expectations are not met. I’m relieved. You probably only still keep that old AOL address for the same reason you have a drawer full of love letters from your first sweetie. Nostalgia. Okay, or maybe laziness. Inertia. Whatever. But you’ve surprised me by not meeting my SFP expectations.
Despite that, there will never be enough NEW data like this coming in to *change* my expectations of what an AOL user means in our world, in terms of extra man-hours. I have too much OLD data — data that is backed up sometimes daily in our world — to change my expectations.
Now, if you happen to have an AOL account, you may have gotten a little pissed at me at some point in reading this. Or you thought of examples you could throw at me about how your computer really really really does hide PDFs from you rather than putting them exactly in the place you’ve unknowingly told your computer to route downloads like that. I know. You have challenges to my expectations. And maybe you’d like to share them.
Thing is, I use this very specific and hopefully somewhat humorous example to illustrate what is true for all of us in far less humorous and way more consequence-filled parts of our lives.
We are ALL walking around with expectations we take for granted as TRUTHS.
All of us.
And when those expectations are unchecked, unnoticed, unlabeled… we’re reactive. We’re navigating a minefield and wondering why others keep disappointing us. We’re upset over things that are outside of our control and that feels like shit.
Good news: We can right this situation right now.
Let’s get started!
Dispassionate Labeling
As you recall from Get in Gear for the Next Tier, dispassionate labeling is a superpower. It’s the ability to call a thing a thing and don’t turn the “calling a thing a thing” into ANYTHING else. It’s just a label. No judgment. No emotion. No kicking-yourself for what you’ve uncovered in this labeling process. It’s just data. Label the data. Label, label, label.
We’re gonna do this with expectations and I want you to start today. I don’t think we need to do this all month long but I definitely want you engaged in this for at least a few days. (A few is more than two and up to seven, let’s say.)
Every time you have a thought about someone, something, some condition, some situation, some scenario, whatever, I want you to log it in an Expectations Field Journal. No, you don’t have to go buy a separate journal just for this unless you’re a Virgo (or like me, a Virgo in a past life) who gleefully accepts any opportunity to invest in new office supplies. (Did you count the expectations, there?) This can be a page in your existing favorite notebook. It can be a blank doc in the NOTES app of your phone.
I just want you showing up to it and labeling your own expectations.
Sample:
1. I expect to wake up with my bladder full.
2. I expect to need to take an over-the-counter painkiller for my back.
3. I expect to have communication from a member of my team when I open my laptop or turn on my phone.
There’s no judgment in any of this. Just a labeling of expectations. And I know if I were to wake up tomorrow *without* a full bladder, that’d be weird. If I were to not *need* to take a painkiller, that’d be weird. If my team had not moved something forward or communicated about something in our online spaces since I was last in those spaces, that’d be weird.
Not BAD. Just different from what I expect.
An example of BAD? That’d be if I expect no one is blocking my car in the driveway and then I go down to find someone blocking my car. That wouldn’t just be weird, it’d be something that had the potential to make me reactive and a little hostile about time management, based upon how close-to-the-edge I make the timing for leaving my house to get anywhere, ever.
But I don’t want you labeling good or bad or weird or anything else. I just want you logging expectations.
Then the next part of this work: Label others’ expectations of you.
How do you know what those are?
Welp, the easy way is to listen when they communicate that you’ve not met one of them. “Oh… I thought you’d have left by now,” says your partner. Ah. They expected you to be gone and you’re still here. DO NOT turn this into a spin-out about how they are judging your time management or life choices or anything else! Seriously. DO NOT do that. Just log it.
If you feel yourself snapping to the judgment element, remind yourself that judgment is always defensive. We’re simply collecting data right now. No reason for any defense, for any judgment.
Another clear one: “You’re HOW old?!? Wow! You look great for your age!” says a new friend. Expectation: That whatever your age is should look different in some way than it does. Do not turn this into a chance to gloat about your skincare regimen. Just notice that someone has shared an expectation. Log it.
Age is easy beyond appearances. Someone asks how old you are. The answer is attached to a certain set of expectations about what should have been accomplished by a person of that age (career benchmarks, marriage, family, home ownership).
Someone asks what agency you’re with. Based on the answer, there are certain things folks believe you should have accomplished. You should be in guest star land, having left your co-star days behind. You should be making overscale. You should have access to all the casting offices someone repped by a “lesser agency” does not.
Your union status means you should have certain IMDb credits. Your StarMeter means you should have a reel of a certain level. You moved to Los Angeles? You should be on a series by now. You live in a minor market? You should be moving to LA if you are actually serious about a professional career as an actor.
As we move through this month — after having properly logged a bunch of expectations (ours and others’) for a few days — I’m going to ask you to take a breath before asking anyone anything that’s based on expectations. Meaning, check your agenda and ask yourself first, “Am I asking your age because I’m impressed at what you’ve accomplished and I want to know whether that’s standard for an actor of your age?” “Am I asking who your agent is because I’m impressed with your recent booking and want to know which agent has access to such projects?” “Am I asking how long you’ve lived in LA because I want to determine how much I should’ve accomplished by now, based on your answer?”
Really ask yourself why you want to know something about someone. If it’s to confirm or disprove an expectation, consider NOT ASKING. Or…
Shift Your Questions
My word for 2019 is discovery. Something beautiful happened in my choosing that word. I approach everything from a position of agendaless curiosity.
It. Is. Awesome.
I’m asking everything what it’s here to teach me. So if I feel myself wanting to know how much someone paid for something, I check to see if I’m measuring against an expectation (I usually am) and then I relax about asking that question. It doesn’t matter. Whatever that thing is… it cost what it cost and why does that matter unless I’m in the market to buy one for myself today? And even then… does it matter?
Agendaless curiosity.
Try it.
It’s amazing what this stance can teach you.
I find that expectations are designed to assist us in judgments that ultimately we may use to beat ourselves up about where we believe we’ve fallen short somehow. Rather than asking someone who’s attained a certain tier who their agent is or how long they’ve been acting, how about an open-ended, discovery-centered question? Something like, “Wow. Good for you, accomplishing all of that. To what do you credit your success?”
You’ll be amazed the types of things — unrelated to age, race, upbringing, academic background, union status, agency representation, geography, or time spent on the journey — that the successful person mentions. Try an agendaless curiosity and let them fill in the data. These convos will always yield richer info than they might otherwise!
Something I really love about these types of convos is that others begin to really enjoy the vibe of them too. When you connect with your trusted friends, extend this month’s work into an experiment in which everyone tries to learn from one another without working to confirm or dispel an expectation. Watch the attitudinal contagion effect kick in. We become our convos! Let’s steer them with intention in a totally new way!
Begin to explore your life through a lens of: What does it look like when I show up with zero expectations? When people begin to ask what’s different, share this experiment with them. Get intentional about it!
A Caution about Enoughness
Before going in on this group work, be sure you really KNOW what dings your enoughness. Is it not having an education? Not being a parent? Not being in a relationship? Is it money? Body shape? Your career choice?
It’s super important to know where you’re easily dinged and where you aren’t so that you start with the convos that align with harder-to-ding places. Meaning, my enoughness around being childless by choice? Unfuckwithable. I decided long before I even had my first period that it was unlikely I’d procreate.
All through my 30s and early 40s when people would tilt their head slightly and say, “Oh… no kids, then?” I didn’t take on the judgment of their expectations (if there were judgment there — which there almost always would be). But if I had always wanted a family and hadn’t been able to have one, that potentially innocuous question could level me.
Know your “ding things.” Because when you know it’s a “ding thing,” you can prep for fortifying your enoughness in those weak spots before going in for a convo with the fam or anyone else whose expectations may land in the ding zone.
Stay Present
One of the most interesting things about expectations is how they have the miraculous ability to transport us across time and space. Suddenly, we’re all wrapped up in thoughts of what should’ve been, FOMO, regrets for the road not taken, stuck in the what ifs. Anxiety and overwhelm further stop us from enjoying being in the moment. These things get inextricably tied and become stressballs we have to fight off in myriad ways.
You see why we’re excited about getting out ahead of this, right?
Because expectations have the ability to transport us like that, the mere act of staying present diffuses expectations! Ours and those of others! Focus your value on being present and watch expectations dissolve. Appreciate being present for what IS in that moment, and watch regret or resentment tied to expectations simply lose their grip on you.
Let what is be more valuable than how you think things should be… which, of course, is often actually how someone else thinks it should be and we’ve picked up and practiced their expectations to the point that they’ve become our own. Hence all that dispassionate labeling up there. 😉
Work It Out
I’m a big fan of Byron Katie’s work (free on Kindle) and she’s got some worksheet goodness that I feel fits very well with our theme this month. If you’d like to do her version of an Energetic Hygiene Triangle about an issue or your expectations of someone, here’s her how-to and a blank worksheet for you to play with. I’ll bring her book with me for our Zoom if you’d like to take this work deeper as we jam together!
Essentialism
Current obsession, Greg McKeown’s Essentialism. I have two super cool things I want to introduce this month. One, this way of thinking/doing/having that shows you the distinction between essentialist thinking and nonessentialist thinking. Super handy and I totally see expectations living freely on the nonessentialist side of the page.
Y’all, I’m asking you to do some fundamental perspective-shifting here. While you explore expectations this month, I suspect we’ll gather here in the comments to do things like cut through bullshit of expectations our families laid on us — probably when we were way too young for most of them — and really examine which of their expectations we turned into our own… and we have no idea WHY we kept carrying them, since they ultimately don’t align with our values in the first place!
The paradigm shift available through this work is not insignificant so please don’t let it jar you if you find some of this work confronting. Lavish on the self-care. Go easy with this. Stay present. And report in so we can support you through this now and always!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
We’ll turn a bit more serious when Mercury enters Cancer so really enjoy the high-quality connections that come through most of this month. Be touchy-feely. It’ll work! On the 8th, as Venus heads into Gemini, those high-quality connections will layer in some really fun-loving, spirited collaboration. Enjoy this! Especially with Virgo moon showing up on the 9th, this would be a great weekend for plotting out your next production!
I left a void moon off the calendar on the 14th. I usually don’t mention shorter ones but this one’s long enough I should’ve spotted it. I’m not letting it stress me out. 😉 Just asking you to write that one in and take it easy on that day. Because…
…of course I’m sure you recall the warning from last month’s Zoom about June 15th to 22nd on the outside, specifically the 16th, 17th, 18th, and 20th the most, right? Since our Zoom, I’ve talked with two more astrologers and everyone is sticking with the whole, “Let’s just stay calm” angle. Don’t hide under the covers. Just give a lot of room and grace to every encounter so things don’t spin out of control with all that Gemini duality, full moon intensity, and intense Neptune action all through the week. It’s a bit of a crazy time during which the woo will explode like never before. Expect magic! It’s happening!
Your best days for getting shit done are the 1st, 9th, 10th, and the 25th through the 28th. Yes, there are other good days in there too, but those are the highlights. Remember to calculate what keeps YOU best aligned, whether it’s the numerology of the day, the moon, or the combination of all the other planetary goodness happening at once. When in doubt: Be playful about things. Gemini is great for that!
All my ninja love,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Saturday, June 15th, at 1pm PDT. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. 😉
If you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Click here to download a PDF of the beyond-expectations chat from today’s session.
Post-Zoom, here’s some homework, if you’re so inspired.
- Continue logging expectations and add whether or not they’re realistic. Because it’s unrealistic expectations that are “premeditated resentments,” according to Steve Lynch.
- Ask yourself who you are, if there are no expectations. Make a list of the things you would do or try or experience without regret, were expectations no longer a factor.
- Remember Pamela Bruner’s words: “Just because you know your limitations doesn’t mean you need to keep them.” Where you’ve imposed expectations on yourself to stay small, really ask yourself if you feel safe challenging those expectations today. Baby steps here. Celebrate the falling-on-your-ass of it.
- Kristen Neff says, “When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved.” Do not be shocked to feel some growing pains as you free yourself of expectations. Many of them came about as a part of love that was filled with conditions. Moving toward unconditional self-love is pushing an edge. Load on extra self-care now.
- Explore that resting state of enoughness. That ability to be satisfied and striving. The having of a needless desire. Your purpose should never deplete you. When you’re doing what feels like your life’s work but there is pain involved, check to see if you’ve allowed expectations to creep in.
Reminder: Expectations are not necessarily a bad thing! We just want to know when we’re operating because of them — and especially to know whether they’re ours or someone else’s to begin with! Mindfulness is the goal. “That’s an expectation that started out as my mother’s but I see how it’s benefited me to maintain it therefore I will meet it today,” or, “That’s an expectation that I never liked having to meet and I now have the ability to say it’s not important TO meet. I am free!” Both are wins, y’all. Big wins!
I absolutely adore this time we are sharing and I’m so grateful to you all for showing up for yourselves and for one another, for putting in the work and for enjoying the fullness of this growth. Again, lavish on that self-care! I’m expecting you to give yourself lots of love for engaging in this experience. We are indeed excavating enoughness. 🙂
As always, continue this workout below! This is where the magic IN YOU happens outwardly. Thank you for sharing your greatness with us… and the whole damn world!
Good morning, world! I am closing in on the final two weeks of several months of intense and varied projects. I am grateful for the work and grateful for the approaching breath space, ahh!
I love that we are delving into expectations this month as (maybe last week or the week before?) I got to a handful of days where I felt like I might die and I hated literally everyone, even the ones I adore. Thanks to our work (even standing quietly in the corner while focusing on other things totally works), I could hear the insights gleaned from our self care month bubble up to the surface. Shout out to Laura and Bonnie as their kindly reminder to do ‘some of the things, not all of them’ and ‘to pick small ways to take amazing care of myself’ ran through my head like a mantra. I rested. I said no to the ‘non-essential’ (WHAT? I am already obsessed, Bonnie, another great share). I fed myself the food my body asked for. And I felt revived, rejuvenated, able to meet circumstances with fresh energy. yeah, win!
But lingering underneath was this old dragon friend of mine: perfectionism. I am long term working on making friends with that Urkel in my brain but right now, am living in gratitude for new levels of awareness of how it moves through my life. You guys, I felt like I was in charge of everything and it had to be done beyond stellar, maybe perfect or just nearby. Everything. Phone calls, emails, Facebook event listings. A member of one of my teams would drop the ball or deprioritize an aspect of a project and I would run over and grab it like a ball girl at Wimbledon. Just one more thing to be in charge of, no big deal. Yet I was suffocating under the weight and my jaws were glued shut and a rude, slow cashier at the grocery store made me ballistic. Don’t even get me started about the time they gave me the wrong cupcake at Sprinkles. SO RUDE.
Luckily, my muscle for self awareness is strong so I observe these thoughts more than express them. On a good day, they crack me up. On a bad day, they feel like death.
And then the crack in the cloud cover came and I saw it: I think my job is to rescue people and make their lives better. I shine my light for others, not myself. I do these projects for the grade and gratitude I’ll receive, not the joy of doing. No wonder I resent them and anyone within 30 feet. No one can live up to my expectation of how much appreciation I am due (for my suffering, natch). Oy.
My life force is the most important thing in my life and how I spend it matters to me. Yet I cast pearls before swine and then get upset when they don’t dance a jig while picking them up. Calm it down, Rhianna. Sometimes in the depths of a spinout, I think about that book (which I haven’t read and probably shouldn’t because…expectations), the one titled “No one is coming to save you”. No one is coming to appreciate me, or my projects, or how I martyr myself for whatever is directly in front of me. No one. So it’s really up to me to appreciate what I do, find joy in the complications, and let the rest go. There’s no applause in life. Just the joy I allow myself in each moment. Breathe. Stay in the room. Revel in what happens. Everything else is details. <3
This is really good. I’m so glad you’re already down with Essentialism. I know you’ll have a lot of a-ha moments in consuming even what I’ve shared here, more if you grab the book and get on Greg’s mailing list, etc. https://gregmckeown.com/book
Here’s what I’d like to propose for you, Rhianna. What would it be like to make people’s lives better just by BEING.
Not by scrambling to pick up the ball. Not by being there to rescue them. Not by letting your attention to detail or perfectionism or anxiety drive your next right action. Just by BEING. Let your light shine and be of service to others without you having an ACTIVE task in order to make a difference.
True lighthouse action.
You don’t get out into the water and row for them. You shine a light from where you are so they can find their way. Full stop.
Try that for a bit. 🙂 Lemmeknow how it feels.
This really hit me, Rhiannon, because I’ve done it as well: “I shine my light for others, not myself.”
What if you shine your light for yourself? What if you spend time cultivating and playing within your own light? Thinking of this with Bonnie’s response of “just BEING,” I wonder how it will change your day, knowing that by just being in your own light and cultivating how you choose to shine, you are enough.
“No one can live up to my expectation of how much appreciation I am due.”
That one hit.
I was a classic over-achiever/perfectionist as well, and still catch myself in the comparison game where I can’t believe how much people DON’T recognize my AWESOME.
This feeling is frequently met with a “Well,who the hell do you think you are anyway?” counter-attack. Between the two, I’ve confused the heck out of myself in terms of my enoughness (mostly because it was coming or not coming from the outside world).
I’m digging your idea of ‘the joy I allow myself in each moment’. If I think I’m awesome, that’s enough. If no one else ‘gets’ that, no worries – that’s for them to figure out. I’m just gonna be over hear enjoying my own awesome.
Enjoying your own awesome is THE number one way to help others enjoy your awesome. YES!
as a worker bee, good student girl, I totally relate to what you said about doing things for the “grade and gratitude.” it’s something I’ve worked on softening. love the dispassionate labeling and the kindness you’re bringing as you work through these things!
As a former culty “doing your duty is showing love” I fully resonate with the “grade and gratitude”. I have caught myself often (oh, so often) doing All The Things for the “grade and gratitude”. In fact, it’s so entrenched that I’ve spent the last few years reexamining my love language: acts of servive. DO I love and appreciate folks who Do The Things becuase I actually love it or is that my brainwashed upbringing talking…? I still don’t know.
You observing the thoughts without expressing them is admirable. Many folks lack that self awareness/self control. Sounds like labeling is underway!
I’d like to see you measure out love language like we’re logging expectations this month. Because I think we’re all multiple love languages, and I’d be willing to bet, as you got some data about how much of the time X makes you feel loved or Y makes you feel loved, you could begin to see where your love language feels more native vs. indoctrinated.
Checking back in, lovelies, thank you for all your amazing insights and personal shares.
I have had six months of personal projects flower the last few weeks and it feels good. I love the feeling of setting other people up for success (as these projects are very much from a teacher and director and producer place of my brain, not performer). As the positive feedback rolls in, I am so thrilled to hear my students and actors getting the praise they deserve. I stand in the role of the teacher and director and glow for them. Yet a small part of me wants more than the quick nod to me, saying ‘You set them up for success, you killed it leading them where they needed to go.’ ‘ I have never seen this actor this good.’
And so I turn my attention back on myself and ask, ‘what then do we create for you?’ You CHOSE these projects because they allowed you to experiment from the side instead of standing front and center while directing/producing/teaching. You want to feel that you could before you stood center stage and wore ALL the hats. Of course, ‘I am in charge of everything’ Is very triggering language for me and I remind it with love that I shine just by being (Yes, Bonnie, yes! Thank you for the kind stillness of this reminder).
Okay, you guys, thunder storms of anxiety. Tempests of panic. What?!? I always thought I was relatively fearless so Bonnie’s suggestion to let the attention to detail or perfectionism or ANXIETY rose up and talk to me was like, Huh? NO WAY.
HAHAHHAHA. Just kidding. Turns out the downbeat of interactions with others is ‘how can I serve? How can I make you happy? How can I fix what is wrong?’ When I just release myself from this rhythm and observe rather than respond, I freak out. What do I do? What is my value?? What, most importantly, is my value here?!?
This definitely goes back to my loving but unstable family where I internalized it was my job to keep the peace and everyone happy. Part of my growing up has been realizing just what fairy tale, magical thinking this was for me to internalize as a child. No one can be made happy and even if I succeed for a money or two, they go back to their own internal equilibrium pretty quickly. As they say, happiness is an inside job.
But where does that leave me-the self appointed Happiness Fairy? Unemployed, you guys. And without activities to take my mind off the roiling fear of vulnerability due to lack of control. DUDE. Can I get an umbrella from this storm? Thanks. :). It means I can’t control how others act around me by monitoring (and manipulating if I’m honest) the way people act around me. It means I have to take action for myself because I want to and leave everything else at the door. I have to release the idea that anyone is going to change and that I can make it happen. It means I need to keep returning my eyes to me and my projects even when I feel the discomfort rise up and continue to take the next best step forward. Simple, you guys, not easy.
But after the peak of the storm, it subsides. Sometimes a lot, sometimes just a quick enough break to allow me to skip through the rain puddles home somewhere safe. Then I get that glowy feeling of adventure and accomplishment and bravery. Some of my favorite feelings. Turns out maybe the person my expectations are really focused on is myself. And I’m using others as an external mechanism to indicate my worth TO MYSELF. Holy moly.
There is nothing out there that is bigger than allowing myself to enjoy my life and my pursuits. There’s no golden ticket or parachute that is more valuable than enjoying the journey of it all.
So I reset. And breathe. And turn my lighthouse light back on. And begin again from there. I’m reading Godin’s the Dip right now and am really struck by how much (actor) busywork is just a cover for the feeling of powerlessness in the face of the great unknown (Life). To return my focus to what i can control – me – and release what i cant everything else is ever the task. And one I’m getting so much stronger at. Thank you to Bonnie and you lovelies here. ❤️❤️❤️
So.
I love sooooooooooo freakin’ much of this.
And I thank you for the thanks, because I know what you know: We don’t get a lot of it, considering how much work we invest in people to help THEM shine and win and reach their goals, only to be a footnote or forgotten altogether. My mother (the astrologer) told me in my chart it’s called “The Fairy Godmother Syndrome,” and that I would never get the success I could help others get and if I spent my life striving for my own success, I’d be miserable. Truly, only when I come from a place of service — thankless, undervalued service — do I actually get the success I’m capable of having.
This is where Keith’s “Fairy Godmother Syndrome” is more evolved than mine (and yes, astrologically, he has it too; it’s something that we mused about when we met — What would happen if two FGS people got together? Are we able to do for one another the thing that we otherwise could never make happen for ourselves?) because he loves loves LOVES being the secret weapon, the hidden asset, the one who without you ever knowing has slipped money in your purse or who paid your family’s dinner check from across the restaurant or who financed your film anonymously. He LIVES for being secretly helpful, investing in others’ dreams and best selves.
Me? I’m not so evolved. My ego would like the credit. I fucking earned it. 😉
So, I’m still working on that and it’s something that definitely gets less inflamed when I come from a place of service for the greater good, the better community, “best and highest” and all that jazz. I choose soul over ego as my focal point. And it’s HARD. Because this ego is fucking HERE and she has put in a LOT of work and deserves way more credit than she gets.
Here’s what I’d ask you to do when it comes to the vulnerability aspect: Ask yourself who’s feeling vulnerable. Is it Ego Rhi? Or Soul Rhi?
It’s a bit like actor busy work when you think about it (and well spotted, by the way). When your actor enoughness is high, you see actor busy work for the nonsense it is.
Bree says, “How would my soul see this?” and I think that’s a great question to ask yourself as you navigate these waters.
LOVE what I’m seeing in you, now and always.
Expectations are the real monsters that lurk in the shadows. Not only the ones I have for myself, but the unspoken ones I have for others. I can say now with absolute confidence that unspoken expectations were the reason for having a disastrous relationship, marriage and divorce. It wasn’t until I realized I had never told my ex what I expected of HIM that I could take any responsibility for what I did in the marriage as well.
But here’s the biggie I realized today, and I haven’t unwound it yet, but I as really proud of recognizing it. I have been going slow with the body work, the eating better, vitamin support, sleep, etc. in order to break the cycle of hurting myself physically. And it’s been going along, slowly.
I also, in the past month, loaded a game app on my phone, and was getting pretty obsessive about it. So I gave myself a deadline of Memorial Day weekend, played as much as I wanted, and then deleted it.
Here’s what I noticed today: once I deleted the app, thereby taking away an obsession focus, I began falling off the wagon with my new eating habits. i was ready to get out that old failure stick to beat myself for failing yet again, when I linked the two things.
So now i am wondering: what is my need to be obsessed about something (usually something that really isn’t productive)? And even better, how can I channel that obsessive quality and energy into things that really really matter to me?
I am pretty sure there is a ton of fear lurking in this scenario. But I’m not afraid to bring it out and show it to all of you. Because i want to transmute these “bad” habits into ones that support my goals and dreams.
I am gonna take that with me to bed tonight and see if my dream life can tell me a few things about it.
Good awareness, Deb. Hope that sleep-marinating helped with this! Wonder what you woke up knowing!
I’m going to say before trying to channel your obsessive energy into things that really matter (I’m paraphrasing your words), just start by observing and diffusing the impulses. Journal about them. Put yourself in the bath and listen to some Abraham-Hicks for a half-hour. Really start to play with the role of the obsessive energy so you can not simply run from one manifestation of it to another. Mastery/rerouting of the energy comes later.
We know I have to have ways to turn off my brain. It moves too fast for too many hours of the day for it to be good for me to have it on all the time. It’s not sustainable. So I play Words With Friends on my phone. All. The. Time. And solitaire. For hours a day. I used to be able to clock out with vodka. Being sober means that energy has to go somewhere. So I can’t be mad at it for wanting to show up here or there (I mean, I guess I could be but what’s the use of that torture?) and that means I observe it. “Oh, I need to turn my brain off. Okay… here goes.” And I allow myself that because I know I won’t ever let it get TOO far gone.
How do I know? Because just like in our body month here, when we allow ourselves to sleep as many hours as our bodies would like, after a brief recalibration, we actually get ourselves to a “new normal” that’s not THAT far off from what we were already doing when we were stressing about the inconsistencies in our sleep schedule. Same with sugar binges. We won’t go on an all-sugar diet for long. We can’t tolerate it after the rebellious period is played out. Read Geneen Roth if you haven’t. She’s brilliant in this area.
So what does obsessive behavior serve for you? What does it permit you to get away with that you wouldn’t allow yourself to do if not for some obsession requiring it?
Sending you love and hugs!
I know that obsessive behavior keeps me from dwelling on things I can’t do anything about. And it can get to be such a habit that it becomes my go-to, rather than the things I CAN do something about (self-care, writing, cleaning, resting. communicating).
That dwelling on stuff has always led me to forcing situations, making assumptions, pushing people even when I know they don’t want to be pushed. All so that I can have an answer.
So there is a lot of chill pill work I can do here. Starting with acknowledging the obsessive thing, actually asking it what I can do that would make me feel better. Letting go. (All the top 40 items!) That’s what I got after sleeping on it.
And being obsessive, for me, is a way of killing time until those answers DO come.
I did have one clear victory in May. Having shot the pilot in March and making it through April without too much angst, I decided in May that rather than be silent about it (don’t want to jinx it!), I was going to celebrate and enjoy the fact that I had been in this wonderful pilot and express my hopeful joy that it would be picked up. I consciously intended it into being; I was also fully aware I could be wrong. But I wanted to have my celebrating, so I did. On the Friday before the up front for Fox, I realized I was now getting anxious. I was gonna have to make it through the weekend somehow, knowing the answer would absolutely come on Monday. And as I was working through it, a Google Alert came through saying the show had been picked up. EXTREME JOY! And no pain over anxious obsession.
Now I am in a space, waiting for the first call to shoot an episode, so my manager can hopefully negotiate a contract for the season. That’s a big wish. I am following the same pattern I had while waiting for the pick=up: happily tell folks I am waiting, and stating what I would like have.
So I think I need to work backward, and practice applying that good work to older issues. Stay conscious. Work on that essentialism.
Love it. This seems like a solid strategy and it’s one that’s very kind to you, which I suspect you could always stand to do more of (be kind to yourself). Well done, Deb! (And, again, congrats!)
Obsession as distraction. I do this. I used to judge it. A lot. And I still do when it impeeds me from doing other things that are higher priority. But I’ve also found that letting my brain obsess over something I can’t control allows the other parts of my brain to “relax” into different ways of thinking. Sometimes this leads to some pretty solid break throughs when I’m hitting a wall while problem solving.
Now I find that if I schedule my “obsession” time and/or give myself boundries (play the game for 25 min, then move the eff on!) I get the brain break half of me needs.
Problem comes up when I don’t adhere to my own parameters…
MUCH EXCITE ABOUT YOUR PILOT
Deb, my darling, yes! Am so proud of you and the powerful work here. (Also congrats on all the amazing things!).
I too have an obsessive brain. Sometimes I think it is my superpower because I can figure anything out, and sometime I think it is the most destructive thing in my life. Like some XMen character whose name I don’t know, when triggered, it blasts whole cities to smithereens. When given a non-triggering problem to solve, it can move mountains.
I have had some revisits to old behaviors in my recent busy creative period. Alcohol to shut my brain up and full my sense when’s i am overstimulated but still want to push for one more social interaction. Sugar to stimulate and soothe as needed. I can feel the emptiness in my body later after I made these choices I know don’t serve me. The experiences and energy feel hollow somehow and leave me twice as depleted. Yet if I can’t exercise to calm my mind and get good sleep (instead of alcohol) and I don’t have time to take breaks and refresh my spirit (and sugar is more delicious anyway), then how to move forward with health?
Honestly, I don’t know. I am standing by you more than offering solutions. In yoga, we say, if you fall out of the pose, breathe and return to the pose. So that is how I see this playing out (as I exit this busy period). Breathe and return to the behavior that feels good in the long term. Also Geneen Roth is amazing and helps so much with how women use self punishment on their bodies when they have ‘too many feelings’.
All to say, I’m here with you, sister. Breathe, celebrate, return to the pose. ❤️
Also! (I knew there was one more thing). I had a meditation teacher in high school that said ’we all want to get high. Some use drugs, some wake up at 4am and meditate, some hike, some jump out of planes.’ I think we all want to get peaceful too. Meditation can be done in anything you do, sitting, standing, even sleeping! It’s true, look up yoga nidra! I really loved Wherever you go, there you are by Jon Kabat- Zinn to remind me that mindfulness is a practice, not a goal. And anything can bring you back to the present moment if you let it. Hugs! ❤️
Oh, I knew there was one more thing! (I told you I had an obsessive brain…..and that it’s been all over the place lately!)
I heard a fabulous interview with an actress recently who was so savvy and smart in her approach (she had an MBA I think and a business background so knew strategy like nobody’s business). She said she recruits her inner critic (or obsessive brain or inner perfectionist) and gives it a helpful task to solve. So rather than laying in bed at night wondering what’s wrong with her life, she would give it a task: how can i get a meeting with x agent or push my career forward just one more step. By employing this voice as a hardworking employee who means well by keeping her out of danger, she turned this power internal engine into a creative force, instead of destructive. It’s like having a professional risk management advisor on your team. Just don’t put her in charge of the creative projects! Let her do what’s she good at: protecting the key assets (YOU!). Hope that make sense. It was the most direct way I’ve heard to out that power to good use. ❤️
THIS belongs in GIGFTNT Day 4 because that’s exactly what the homework assignment is for the day (and 99% of the people in Get in Gear for the Next Tier don’t realize that’s the actual homework of the day). Nice example of using a weakness (obsessive brain) as a strength (problem-solve actual problems). Woo HOO! Thank you!
Rhianna (and Bonnie), thanks for all this. in the past. my go-to behavior /knee-jerk reaction was to push ahead even harder, speak louder, demand more. So when those pushy things come up, I now stop as soon as I recognize it. I step back and ask myself “Why? and why now?” Even if I don’t have an immediate answer, it gives me that moment, those breaths, to realize I don’t have to jam ahead, that it’s okay to live in the land of “I don’t know” for a bit. That usually breaks the cycle
What I want to do now is apply that to the obsessive stuff – most importantly, to the eating/food components. I just went to my phone and downloaded one of Geneen’s books from the library (because I love to read on my subway rides).
this totally fits with the “when in doubt, meditate/do yoga/breathe” notion. And boy, does it ever save the wear and tear on my emotions and my little girl heart.
And lastly, all this helps me remember that it’s the journey, not the goal; it’s the experience, not the end result; it is the process and not the “ending” that is where I learn the best, most useful things.
So thanks!
+1 on Geneen Roth. Big fan.
I appreciate the awareness of knowing my “ding things.” And looking at expectations as data. I dig it.
OMG Bon, I opened the 21 Day challenge and got such a giggle out of number 1. This is gonna be fun!
Really appreciate the dispassionate labeling because I can see how my expectations of myself – “You should have accomplished ______ by this age” – could really kick off my ding things.
My Rebel side has always helped me deal with others’ expectations, especially when they got too weighty. That’s when I use last month’s tool of “not mine.” So I feel a little fear of logging others’ expectations of me, because I sense it will hit my ding things, but I will try it, knowing I have the tool of dispassionate labeling and do not need to fight or fly from the people as I accumulate data.
Right on!
Yay! Lemmeknow how it goes! 🙂
Y’all. Y’all. Y’ALL.
Watch this.
https://www.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful/transcript?language=en
What a great, expectation-filled story.
What might this teach you about your own stories? I’m breaking out my journal right now.
Oh my gosh, thank you for sharing this.
Wasn’t that amazing?
The first two times I watched Shane’s Ted talk, I was surprised to be in tears.
I watched it several more times (I’m still watching it again because it’s so awesome and I’m still processing it), and I observed that the first three minutes of the talk touched a part of my childhood I had forgotten: the first few years after I moved to the US when I felt lonely and kids during my middle school years bullied me, especially POC kids. I had no awareness of boundaries.
I totally cheered on Shane when he told the story about letting his friend copy his homework. My 10-year-old self thinks, “I wish I had thought of that!”
I was really surprised at how moved I was by this. I’m so glad it’s hitting you in all the right places too. This is good work. So glad you’re back.
Holy. Cow. This is everything, this Ted talk.
I’m so glad I shared it. And I’m so glad y’all are watching it. WOW, right?
Holy Toldeo! “Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.”
Holy Jebus Christ on a Cracker…
I could write a dissertation deconstructing that, but the (first) on that made me hit pause and take a deep damned breath was this “…to inherit the masquerade of what we will be…”
Hot. Damn.
Right?
I’m realizing I expect that nobody will show up for me/hold space for my wants and needs, so I never reveal said data to folks, which furthers their expectation that I have no wants/needs…I have all kinds of these hilarious spirals on my field log already, how enlightening!
Also, feeling super grateful to be a rebel and questioner. Feeling very grateful that I rejected a lot of expectations from others. Feeling grateful that I’m finding my way back to baby Sheila and all her badassery.
Nice! Love that you’re already tracking patterns in your field notes and HOORAY for expecting you’ll find your way back to baby Sheila! Yes!
Wow, this feels so aligned.
I’m currently moving through feelings of overwhelm & perfectionism. My plate is so full with so many exciting things this month. I realized this morning that most of my stress comes from my lack of trust in myself that I can get it all done “perfectly.” Getting it done isn’t enough, I have to get it RIGHT. & bc I know that’s already impossible I’ve been beating myself up starting this process. Who am I to think I can juggle so many things at one time & do them well? Been shifting the focus to appreciating that I “get” to do these things rather than “have” to. I know I’ve grown because even the gradual awareness of this isn’t being handled as dramatically as it would be even a year ago.
Perfectionism, time, & expectations have always been my demons. I like knowing what to expect. I like planning ahead. I can’t trust myself unless I know what to expect. These are beliefs I’m learning to release (haaa, release is my word this year ~it’s been permeating thru everything).
Slowly discovering all the emotions I’ve been over-identifying with my entire life. So many ~feelings~ that I called my truth for so long. I’m sure we’ve all felt an emotion so strongly that it felt like we might die. These feelings have become a part of my expectations. I expect to be overwhelmed by them at some point. I expect to lose control, I never know when, but it’s going to happen at some point. I used to label this as a bad thing but now I see how I can restructure that. Yes, emotions happen & they’re unpredictable & I can’t control them even when it’s expected. But that doesn’t make me a bad person. I don’t have to approach every unknown aspect with caution. My emotions can feel like the heaviest weight. But rather than feeling ashamed of them & trying to dissolve them before they get too far, I can acknowledge what they want to tell me – without judgment. I have been judging my emotions for so long! Seriously just judging myself for being a human bean.
I have been focusing on changing my emotions rather than my language. My emotions are valid & normal & human. How I choose to express them is where my power lies.
As an upholder, I feel this extra hard with all the things I think I HAVE to do every day to be “productive.” One thing is never enough, I have to do a whole list of things to feel like I’ve had a good day. But I’m getting to a point where that’s exhausting. I keep putting more on my plate without making space for it. Just keep piling on bc what if letting go of that thing kills me? (Dramatic language again but that’s where my mind jumps to before I reroute it.)
Meditation & tapping have been everything for me this past month. Previously labeled as “unproductive” these two coping mechanisms have dissolved my fears of not trusting myself. I know I can’t control where my emotions take me but I can make space for them.
This reminds me of a story I read recently of Buddha where he invites the demon, Mara, to tea whenever he comes by after the demon threatens to torture him for the rest of time. Rather than causing more turmoil for Buddha, Mara leaves after tea every day – satisfied with the acknowledgment he received. Treating my emotions this way has been such a game changer for me.
Kind of word vomited here but going to release perfectionism & just post as is without proofreading.
Grateful for the space to get this out.
Girrrrrrrrl! This is spectacular work! Wow!!!
Let’s play with the emotion thing. If emotions weren’t overwhelming, could this be a bit more do-able? Eckhart Tolle talks about how emotions, once we observe them, cease to exists as emotions, essentially. The very act of putting our attention on the emotion renders the emotion forever changed.
Can you play with emotions as if you’re inventorying them the way I’ve asked you to inventory expectations for a few days? I’d love to see what effect this has on the level of overwhelm you sometimes feel about emotions you’re experiencing.
Good work, lady. Really good!
WOW, Bianca, WOW! Really helpful hearing your process. I haven’t tapped in a while, and I suspect that will help me in my daily life.
Thank you for sharing the Buddha story. It makes me think of the whole adage, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” And it made me think of having tea with my emotions instead of fighting with them. Thank you.
There’s another Buddhist story which came on my radar recently called, “The second arrow.” Have you heard of it? The first arrow is a painful event, and the second arrow is suffering, “our reaction to the first arrow,” which is optional. I’m realizing, as I write this, that I’ve been shooting a few second arrows lately. Hmmmm. Good awareness so I can let go. Thank you. https://mindfulnessmeditation.net.au/arrow/
I am reading a book called “Mindfulness as Medicine,” and read about the first arrow and second arrow yesterday. It’s one of my favorite Buddhist stories.
In case it’s of interest to anyone, after the author tells the stories, she says, “When we recognize that we’ve been the perpetrators of our suffering and pain, we learn to say we’re sorry toward ourselves, and we learn to look for ways to do things differently. Then we heal from the inside. This is, because that is. Looking deeply, we see that the person who has hurt us has also suffered in his or her life.”
Powerful stuff!
Ooh! THAT is beautiful!
I’ve been wondering why I tend to have a subconscious pattern to please people, why I have to justify the reason I’m doing something or not to someone when they haven’t asked, and why I can get defensive when someone points out a problem to me even though this person doesn’t mention my name.
Thanks to the exercise of logging our expectations and people’s expectations of us in a journal so far, I found out that I picked up many of the subconscious habits from my mother. Observing her behavior and expectations has been eye opening to me.
I’m reading “Essentialism,” and I feel relieved that it takes an emotional discipline to say no to social pressure. I can be more gentle with myself when I don’t meet my expectation of not saying no to something I don’t want to do immediately.
Using the thought of “It’s your problem, not mine” when someone criticises me has been helping me a lot after I acknowledge the anger or hurt I feel inside. I’m on my fourth day of rewiring this pattern, and I’ve stopped being reactive to any perceived criticism I receive.
I am enjoying the 21-Day Challenge, and reflecting on the challenge each day is helping me to make my life simpler. I have an expectation that having health as my only priority should be easy because I’m on bed rest half of the time, but I’m discovering that there are many facets to being on a healing journey.
I just discovered my subconscious pattern of being defensive, so I will look for situations when/if this occurs again and observe this.
Love this work! Really good. And OMG did I get so deep into the simplicity of my life when I was on bedrest last year. I so feel for you! This is important work. What a great time for this topic to come into focus! I hope you are building strength with letting your mother’s expectations remain hers and no longer become yours by default. Really nice work!
So cool, Anna! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, everyone, for what you are writing about this topic. i know it is hitting home, because I find my eyes closing and my mind drifting into crazy scenarios — and I know this is a habit of avoidance for me. So all the things you are sharing are hitting the target big-time.
More than a year ago, Keith identified something for me: that I come off as rough and brusque — with a side salad of So What? He also let me know that that isn’t WHO I am — just the initial way I am perceived.
And I look back to my upbringing: Army brat and Catholic school kid. SO MANY RULES, so many people telling me what to be and what NOT to be. I bought it all, for a long time. Fortunately, my dad had an assignment to Germany, and once there — and NOT in a Catholic school — I began to see that all these grown-ups hadn’t really been giving me the best advice – which was shut up, disregard what you hear in your own mind, and just do what we tell you. The rebellion was on.
But I carried forth with the armor I had already created, that I didn’t realize I used every day. That rough and brusque got mingled with worldly knowledge and a huge dose of humor, and that seemed to be attractive to others. Plus, the daredevil side that let me ignore any fear I might feel. I carry all those things forward, too.
When I drop the expectation that I STILL need to BE those things, I find a softer, very intelligent and quiet explorer side. That side needs time – to discover, to understand, and ultimately to choose. Time is something I never gave to myself. That’s what I am doing now, and I do like it.
The new challenge is to combine that slower side with goals I have set, and to make some new paths to achieving goals. Because I want to honor the softer, more intelligent explorer side of me as much as I want to retain the wonderful protective side of being unafraid, curious, and spontaneous.
I feel like i am creating some new kind of melting pot – out of which I can pull what I need, when I need it, and in the right combination so that I am comfortable with ALL my selves. I think that’s a good goal, because when I just stopped typing to think about what I wrote, there was no expectation that jumped into the quiet. I like that a lot!!!
So cool, Deb. Loving your journey of self-discovery.
LOVE this!
Really been thinking about this month and Expectations…
I had a weird thing happen yesterday where I went to Physical Therapy and expected to have a productive session, working towards healing. It turned out my usual therapist wasn’t there and I got some other guy who ended up hurting me. I’m still processing this, still trying to figure out what else I could have done…
It was during the massage, which is supposed to be helpful, right? But this guy pulled out some odd device that looked like brass knuckles and started digging into my arm like he was digging for gold. I’ve never complained about any pain in PT before but this felt like such an assault, I said, “That hurts” and he said, “It’s supposed to,” and kept digging into my arm. It felt like he was ripping me apart, and I finally shouted, “Stop it!”
I’m still tripping out from the whole thing because I went into this office, expecting to do healing work, and instead came out traumatized and very very bruised.
I took a pic of the bruise and sent it to the PT office and they said, “Sorry,” but that was it. What was I expecting? Something more than an apology, but I truly don’t know what. I felt like I had been attacked… that whole body-mind-soul connection, ya know? And I still feel a little shaky.
My husband said, “You have a voice,” and encouraged me to post on social media. I felt so many things about that, mainly being afraid of looking like a victim, but I thought, I don’t want anyone else to have to be abused by this guy… and that’s where this goes deeper.
A bunch of friends sent me the NYS Professional Misconduct link, so I will report this man. I don’t know what I expect from taking this action… I just don’t want anyone else to have to go through this.
Good for you, looking through the expectations in all of this very layered, vulnerability-rocking experience. Really wonderful, Laura, even though I so hate that this happened to you. I am so glad you stopped it rather than “sticking it out” or something. Is there a Yelp page for this office?
I had trouble finding them on Yelp because their name is slightly altered, but it’s the same place, I’m sure. Same address and other folks had reviews that confirmed it’s the place, so I’ll leave my review and post a pic if I can.
This morning, I woke up knowing that there are a lot of emotions that go with expectations, and I think that’s what you’re trying to teach us.
I was starting to spiral into a really dark place last night, thinking of expectations and how those can be shattered when people hurt us, and then my husband started cracking jokes to get me out of my dark place (makes me think of The Dip Kit or flipping focus) and I realized it was better to just close my journal and cuddle with my guy.
So this morning I woke up, thinking, “Can I dispassionately label this? Can I take step back?” And at the time I could.
There are still a ton of emotions surfacing – everything from shame and embarrassment to ANGER. I know I need to feel my feelings and process it.
Interestingly enough, when I posted about this on social media, I had zero expectations, and received a surplus of comfort and recommendations. A lot of data. And I think, if I’m vibing with this whole “release expectations” thing, I can see how doing that can be very helpful in all realms of life.
I’m still trying to figure out how to work around the really subtle expectation of putting myself into someone else’s care. That’s tricky. My fight or flight setting is like, “Ok, you can’t trust anyone” and I know that’s not true. The data shows that’s not true. So I guess this is just a whole “living moment to moment” kind of thing, being present, not getting hooked into hanging onto an expectation.
Trigger warning: When you’re feeling safe to do this, can you explore a time in the past when you put yourself into someone else’s care and were harmed in any way? My instinct is that this is far bigger than what just happened to you at PT and that it’s flipped off a bunch of old alarm bells from when you had some form of violation in what felt like it SHOULD BE (expectations) a safe place or a safe person.
I love that you’re identifying shame and embarrassment and anger with all this. I’d love to see what comes up when you go looking for an earlier time or times in life when this happened and you didn’t have the adult-Laura tools to deal with it all. Because that seems to be what’s sticking/sticky about this today.
Love you. Only do this work when you feel safe. Promise.
Oh yeah, I completely know this triggered a childhood memory of violation when I expected to be safe with someone and wasn’t. I’m in therapy, working through that, but I don’t know how to broach this now. Like you said, I need to give myself time and rebuild my safety foundation.
To be continued.
So, the work now, Laura, is NOT to “broach this now.” Yes, I get that you want to dig in and do the work and complain correctly, make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else in the future, etc., and you will get to do all that. But not yet. Tell Aries energy to hold tight, breathe, and trust this WILL be dealt with. But first the Little Laura healing needs to happen at least a little bit. The reason you don’t know how to deal with this new incident is that it’s not time to do so just yet. It happened to reveal a thing that needs your attention first. Put some space around this for now. Even just the weekend with no thinking about how to execute the next steps. Show up for Little Laura and then the answer for how to deal with the current situation will show up and it will be time. LOVE YOU.
I hear you, Bon. The Universe is obviously trying to get my attention about something, because a woman whom I don’t know showed up on Facebook and took this guy’s side, saying it was my fault I got hurt because I must not have communicated correctly. How is “this really hurts” and “stop!” not communicating correctly? It felt like a “blame the victim” stance.
So I’m breathing, hand on heart and gut, listening. I know the Universe is trying to tell me something. Getting off Facebook was obvious. REALLY taking care of me and my inner child has to come first.
Thank you for trying to get through my ram horns 🙂 I hear you and “trust this WILL be dealt with,” and I’m focusing on taking care of me.
I really feel for you, Laura.
Just want to send you love and healing energy to recover from your massage experience.
We are here for you. <3
Thank you, Anna. 🙂
It’s so weird because massage is usually a small part of Physical Therapy that I really like, so this was a startling experience to say the least.
I know that PT place, and I know the thing he used. While I have had successful use with it, I have also have some painful experiences. But i was NEVER bruised. That just goes too far.
You ARE doing things about it. You spoke up and protected yourself from further pain. You reported it to the location. You took a picture. You talked to friends about it. You posted, and warned people off this therapist. You are going to report it (I hope) on the link that other friends provided you.
See how MUCH you have done? I am so proud of you speaking up, taking a stand and doing what you can to help others avoid similar pain. you have done your job WELL.
I hope you find a better PT to guide you painlessly and successfully to wellness.
xo,
Deb
Thanks so much, Deb. Really appreciate this.
I had to speak to someone who I avoid like the plague whenever I see them at my kids’ school due to an incredibly traumatic year last year. This morning, I chose to walk up to that person and just lay it out that whatever class they chose for my daughter next year, I want it to be the right choice for her and not to mix the past and my strained feelings towards those teachers into it — that my daughter’s education takes precedence. It was the first time I saw this person smile in forever and, even though the smile didn’t make me feel better about the past (or even the present), it signaled to me that I had gotten my message across effectively and I let it go from there. I had an expectation that I would have to fight my emotions about this in the moment and it turned out that by sticking to the facts of my intention I was able to have this conversation and not leave overcome with anger. So, my expectations were not met and that was positive.
Wondering if the expectations from others includes kids’ and husband’s expectations around laundry, groceries, etc. Thanks!
Oh for sure, those family role expectations are a part of this month’s work. I expect that Keith will take care of me and I find my expectations rocked when he is out somewhere and loses time and doesn’t check in for hours and it’s time to eat (Cancer girl — keep her fed) and I then have to reset my expectations and remember I’m a grown-ass woman who can procure food for her own damn self. 😉 Definitely, factor in the family dynamic and expectations in BOTH directions. You for them and them for you.
Oh, and you know I’m going to encourage you to soften your language about last year’s incident at the school. “Incredibly traumatic” is a very powerful phrase to give something that’s in the past. Let its grip on you and the kids loosen by softening those words when you get the chance. 🙂 Proud of you! I know that was a toughie and you’re doing so well.
Yes, you are so right about the words I’m using. The other day, when I shared a sentence or two about why I’d pulled my son out of that school, I used the words “really disappointed in the way things were handled” to describe everything which feels so much less charged. I’ve actually been focusing on the silver lining of what happened — how the Universe had my back and how we are now going to benefit. It’s been quite a journey to get to the other side. Being optimistic, knowing that everything happens for a reason, and seeing the silver lining used to be my resting state and I’m slowly finding my way back.
I’ve been thinking about you and your high school reunion since yesterday’s session. What a DELIGHT you will be for everyone else who may be feeling all stressed and worried about what others think, when you’re just centered and open and eager to LEARN how others have changed in the whatever years since you’ve last seen one another! It’ll feel so good to BE that beacon of peace in a room that is filled with people trying to be who they used to be or trying to prove they’re NOT who they used to be. So much expectation-loaded stress that YOU will be an oasis from. 🙂
This is awesome, April, “by sticking to the facts” of you intention, you were able to get through what you expected to be a potentially tough experience. Really helpful to hear that because I was wondering where Intention came into play with Expectations.
Thanks, Laura. I would think Intention without Expectation would be a good place to be — where you go in being 100% responsible for your own behavior and release attachment to the outcome.
haaaaiiiiiii, Bonnie and everyone! I have been passively part of Expansive Capacity since its launch because of life and whatnot, but I am ready to be a more active member!
Some expectations I had this week: my dad to be understanding and to “get it,” my co-worker to manage her feelings better and handle a situation the way I would, and not being able to wake up but I surprised myself by waking up early even though I had a long, hard day! <– attributing this to cutting out coffee 2 weeks ago.
Some expectations I received/experienced this week: students wanting to know how much I've poled and whether I have a home pole, my boss thinking I couldn't do a certain part of my job, my cat thinking it was okay to trap my hand in her mouth while I type.
Ding things (love this labeling): being told I have time, being told how to use my time, my dad raising his voice at anyone,
Re: my dad for those of you who don't know, I help out at my parents' business once a week, and there's some aol.com feelings/expectations left from past experiences with working with him. Things have gotten a lot better but I'm realizing I have to check my expectations of him (a lot) because it's really not fair / I'm expecting an outcome from him that he might not be able to give [right now].
LOVE this work you’re doing, Quincy. Way to lurk then lead, babe!
With A-O-dad.com, let’s see if you can surrender that expected outcome altogether. Like, every time you think of wanting him to behave a certain way/provide an expected outcome, could you start singing some En Vogue to yourself? “Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it. WOO WOO WOO WOO!”
Just to sort of diffuse any NEED for that outcome? I feel like with your connection to music and rhythm and movement, this might be a fun way to play with your brain as a pattern interrupter (your version of snapping a rubber band on your wrist, maybe). Play with this and see!
I am loving “ding things” too. Like, so much that after I wrote it here, I put it in my master list for the Enoughness membership we’re building. Because OMG, “ding things” has to be a thing!!
Congrats on two weeks off coffee! That’s amazing! 🙂 Glad you’re here.
Pattern interrupter! YES!
Just listened to the replay! What a jolly good time it was!
Love your share on using music to break the pattern. Yesterday, I ended up getting into it with my parents (blech), and I realize, again, that part of it was expectations, expectations, expectations, but I wasn’t able to check myself. Will try this.
Stuff I’ve done without expectations this month:
– Reiki healing: This is something I’ve been wanting to do for some time, and it just felt nice to do something new for myself.
– Second City Bob Curry Fellowship audition: I had juuuust gotten into a huge fight with my mom the morning of my audition, even though I had juuuust read “be careful” on the calendar, so I was AMPED and emotional. I was worried that my heightened emotions was going to spill into my audition. I noticed myself starting to form the expectation that I wasn’t going to be present, not going to listen, have bad energy, etc. in my audition. But because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it until it actually happened, I asked myself to let it go and to do my best to not have any expectation about the audition, good or bad. I surprised myself (expectation broken!), had a blast, got a callback, did meh and got accepted! Totally didn’t expect anything from it because there was no way to prepare.
– Class: This past week, we put ourselves on tape, and I felt the pressure to do well as I waited my turn. I hate that feeling because I sit there worrying about how I’m going to do compared to other people, which isn’t me. That’s some of expectational baggage my mom has dumped onto me. It was nice to ease that expectation and try to do me.
Summary: It makes things easier when I go into things with zero expectation because the pressure is off. I can just enjoy doing the thing, and any outcome that comes out of it is extra.
Other thoughts: I’ve also been trying to check myself when I use harsh language and either soften the language or reframe. I realize that the words I use tend to show what my expectations are of myself/my reality. Ex: “I suck at this. –> I’m never going to be good at this.” “I’m worried about the commute. –> “I’m not going get there on time.” Adjustments: I’m excited to be in a place where I can work on perfecting my lines in dance. I’m thrilled to have this exciting opportunity; I’m going to learn so much.
Looking forward to next month!
LOVE these reframes, Quincy! They are so powerful and you will get addicted to looking for reframes for all sorts of language! 🙂 Yay! This flows so beautifully into our July topic. Super excited to explore this with you! Way to buck some expectations, darlin’! 🙂
Really helpful to see this, Quincy. Thank you!
It seems like the universe has been giving me some guidance, and sometimes I forget that the universe is there to take care of me.
A few days ago, I ate my favorite German food, and my intuition told me to stop eating. However, my mind told me to finish it. I ignored my intuition even though it indicated clearly “no” to me, so I got a little sick.
I’m still participating in the Essentialism 21-Day Challenge, and I smiled when I read Day 9 the next day. Ever since then, I think about the Day 9 challenge throughout the day to help me strengthen my boundaries.
While I was reading my favorite magazine, I saw that it was going to feature articles on forgiveness next month. I laughed after I checked the “Events” page on Bonnie’s website that we’ll explore forgiveness next month. 😀
Ooh! First, glad you’re tuning into your intuition even more. That’s lovely. I hope you’re feeling better! My “Ooh!” is because I haven’t updated the Expansive Capacity topic for July in the Events area!! Ack! It’s actually Your Relationship with Time. We’re doing that first! Thank you for posting this, because now you’ve let me know I missed a spot in the updates when the decision was made a few days ago! Sending you love.
Thanks for all your health wishes and encouragement, Bonnie.
I’m happy to be of service. 🙂
I’m not sure if this was the intention of this monthly focus, but I’ve recognized that when an expectation arises, I’m immediately letting it go so I can be open to possibilities.
This is so helpful!
I’m out of town this weekend, so I’ll be missing the Zoom, but I can’t wait to come back and catch all the goodness!
That’s beautiful. That being present is SO healthy. Love your openness and cannot wait to learn more about the discoveries you’re making.
Thank you for sharing this Laura! I tried applying that today and it really helped me be more open and calm down my overthinking brain. I love it!
Oh yay! I’m glad, Aaron.
At first, after reading everything on this month’s work, I couldn’t comment because I was crying too hard. I had to stop, walk away, and just try to begin implementing our homework into my life because it was just too hard to leave a comment about it. And even now I’m hesitant because I’m worried that I’ll be seen as “that girl”, or be judged about what I’m experiencing, or lose my job, etc, (hello expectations!). So I’ve been really scared to share this with everyone, I mean REALLY SHARE (and I’m talking about throughout ALL of our EC work over the months). But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how selfish I’m being by holding back what I’m thinking and feeling because it may possibly help someone else. Especially after reading so many of the comments people have already left that have helped ME tremendously!! Just knowing you’re not alone in something really helps; you know someone understands. Thanks for that everyone!
Okay so…I suffer from anxiety. I’ve mentioned it before, but never said how bad it actually is. I don’t know that it can be classified as “severe”, but it can definitely be debilitating at times. I’m talkin’…receiving a specific text or email and immediately feeling sharp pains in my chest and stomach and butterflies times 100 for the rest of the day or until whatever event that triggered the anxiety happens. I always pick myself up by my boot straps, turn BEAST MODE on and power through it to get things done, and not just done, but done well 🙂 I’m actually proud of myself for having the ability to do that, lol. But, I’m starting to realize (I think), that the root of this must be from expectations. Expectations I have about myself to be perfect (which is of course impossible), expectations of other people expecting me to be perfect, and fear that if/when I’m not, I lose value in their eyes, and mine own as well.
When mistakes are made, I spiral. Worry and anxiety (expectations) about what horrible things they must be thinking of me, how much they think I suck at what I do compared to everyone else…and here’s the crazy part…wondering and worrying about how I can “fix it” before things get too bad. All of this has to be ridiculous, but it really feels like these things are happening. I expect them to happen.
And as actors, I feel like it isn’t as if we receive annual reviews or meetings with supervisors where we can discuss how to better our performance or find out what new things are expected of us, or how we might be messing up. In fact, it seems to me (I could be wrong), that actors are expected to just rock at what they do. Asking how they’re doing with a project, how they may have messed something up, or how they can do better (aside from coaches of course) seems to have some sort of stigma to it. And I feel that, even if you do ask, the answer will be a generic, “You’re doing great!” because they’re too kind to say, “You suck!” I don’t trust the answer I will receive. I “expect” them to lie. Ridiculous! So as a result, I try to stay away from doing that, but then I worry whether or not I’m giving what is expected/needed/wanted from me on jobs. Whether or not I’m bringing their vision to life the way they want to see it. It kind of turns into a vicious cycle that I just power through while of course, giving my absolute best. I never even thought about how expectations play such a large role in this.
Anyway, super long story short, anyone else dealing with anxiety as a result of expectations, whether real or imagined, you’re not alone! LOL Thanks for this confronting work Bonnie. It has been, and is going to be VERY hard, but at least I’m seeing a little clearer through the glass so I can start the healing process! xoxoxo
First, thank you for posting this. I hadn’t seen it before our Zoom and I’m glad you shared. You’re so right that others get value from what we share (*waves* at the lurkers) and it’s a form of service for us to share a bit of our workout in this safe space.
Next, there’s a LOT that’s wrong with the acting profession in terms of how we equip actors to succeed. Even when educated by wonderful schools and incredible teachers, actors are not taught how to run a business, take a meeting, negotiate a contract, set their NO line… and most importantly… enoughness. No, enoughness cannot REALLY be “taught,” but what should (expectation) be happening is that we equip our artists to succeed, to self-evaluate, to have a resting state of being ENOUGH, never to seek that outer validation even though it’s part of the damn job description itself.
So, you take someone who may already have a low resting state of enoughness for myriad reasons that many of us share or know well. Then you put them in a job where they DAILY go up for roles in a process that is intended to facilitate ease for the producers/money people NOT the artists. The artists are inconvenienced (at the very least) and often made to feel very small (or worse). And then there are no mentors, no leaders for these artists whose SOLE PURPOSE is helping the artists know they are enough. Sure, there are people like me who will show up on your path for a while MAYBE, but how hard is it to even get artists to read my book, sign up for my free trainings, do the damn work of enoughness and mindset — much less do the seriously life-changing work we do here in the dojo? If you’ve ever rolled your eyes over a friend complaining about things you’ve TOLD THEM our SMFA work would fix, you know what I’m talking about.
So it’s really hard to get artists even INTO a place where they can be nurtured and supported in the ways they need to be. More often than not, there’s an acting coach or agent or other leader in the artist’s life who has a God complex or who wants to tear the artist down or who otherwise is playing total mindfuck games with the artist’s vulnerabilities. It’s everywhere. And of course that’s part of why artist’s guards are up to begin with. Necessity! And then you find yourself cracking open when you read something — whether here or in a book or out on Instagram or whatever — and run away because saying, “Me too,” or “I see you,” or, “This is hard,” is too scary.
All this to say, me too, I see you, and this is hard.
All of it. No one wants to do this work, yet it is so incredibly important. And that’s part of why it’s so hard to show up for it. We know it means we’re going to change in ways that will make it really challenging to connect with ANYONE who ever had those other expectations for us. If we can see through to our best selves and take the actions — little ones, daily — that help us LIVE that version of ourselves, it’s confronting for others and that means we risk feeling ostracized and haven’t we spent our whole lives doing “the right things” so we can stay loved? Stay in the pack? Stay safe?
When we’re feeling the physical manifestation of the symptoms of low enoughness that cause emotional reactions we’ve learned how to hide or numb or muscle through, THAT is when the work is to thank our bodies for displaying something to get our attention that things have gotten far enough out of balance in those unseen places within… that we’d better fucking do something about it. It’s a wake-up call. Anxiety, panic, upset tummy, migraine, sleeplessness, all of it. It’s a way for our body to beg us to heal the emotional misalignment. And this is the work.
I love you, La Trice. You are brave and I appreciate you. Healing is warrior work.
It’s like you’re describing me to myself. EVERYTHING you said is soooo true, and I’m so thankful for the awareness of these things, even though it’s painful. This work (not just Expansive Capacity, but the 100 days that kicked it off), have been changing me as a person from the core…and I’m sooo thankful for it! “…it’s confronting for others and that means we risk feeling ostracized…” Holy cow! So true! But I’m learning to stop caring how the restructuring of my core may make people feel uncomfortable. I realize it’s not the “me” they are used to and expecting to see, ha.
I’ll just smile at them, give ’em a hug and keep moving. It probably means they see in me something that is going on inside themselves that they are afraid to confront, and perhaps my journey will give them the courage to start the journey themselves (then they can hop into the 100 days to get the ball rolling, lol)! That is, if they’ll take my advice and use the links I send them. Again, so much truth! 🙂 And I can’t help them do that if I can’t conquer the storm inside of myself. In order to be the lighthouse all of you are talking about, I have to fix me first! I’m finally starting to understand these things.
As I’m learning to listen to my body, I’m finding more than just the anxiety. So many tiny little aches and pains, and things I never noticed before or just counted as “normal”, and always EXPECTED to feel are now showing up, and I can’t wait to just PURGE…IT…ALL! And after that, learn how to keep those things in check daily!
I probably say it too much, but thank you again!!! Just know that your ninjas…WE LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH! You living your purpose is changing soooo many lives. And I realize you know that but, I’m the type of person that just HAS to say it when I feel it. Maybe it’s the Obliger in me, lololol.
Sifu Bonnie…thank you! <3 <3 <3
*deep bow*
Love you, honey.
Gonna go soak in some LUSH someone special got for me. 😉
This morning, I had an aha moment about emotional misalignments.
I had certain recurring illnesses over the last few years, so I decided to look the meaning of these symptoms in Louise Hay’s book. I realised that the causes of the symptoms (grief, cruel thoughts, and unease of digesting life) were all tied to people’s expectations of me. Anytime someone at work or from my family forced an expectation on me and I was already stressed, I got sick and it took me a month or so to recover. The recent illness I had that led me to the hospital was a huge wake up call.
Exploring this month’s work of expectations has caused me temporary challenges to not be at ease with life. The affirmation in Louise Hay’s book encouraged me to say that I approve myself and I’m in a peaceful, joyful world.
And I’m pretty sure that my fear of exposing my private life in the public eye when I’m successful is because of hearing as a kid that the world is a dangerous place, so I manifested subconsciously events where I was attacked.
To help me lessen the cruel thoughts I tell myself, I have chosen to put “Peace in oneself, peace in the world” as my wallpaper on my phone for now to remind myself that I can choose to live in a peaceful and joyful world.
I love these steps you’re taking toward healing this, Anna. Really lovely.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDNDjZq1jlQ an Abraham-Hicks track for you.
And another: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqEUV6qhHGQ.
Thank you so much for sharing the two AB tracks. I LOVE them!
I laughed at the second one because I was looking for “lost” items before listening to the tracks. I found them easily. 🙂
About the belief I picked up that the world is a dangerous place: I saw a young man sitting on the floor in my apartment building this morning, and I had never seen him before. I noticed that he stayed in the same spot for more than an hour when I left my apartment again, so I decided to talk to him and ask whether he needed help.
I just talked to my family relative who also saw him, and my relative asked me if I knew who he was. I told what I did, and my relative said, “Be careful! It’s dangerous to approach him.”
I find it fascinating when the universe is telling us something.
Really enjoyed watching the replay and had a aha moment. “Just because you know your limitations doesn’t mean you need to keep them.” I jumped from my chair and said, “YES!”
I wanted to share something I noticed about my expectation of myself that I discovered. On Wednesday I accidentally knocked a computer dusting can onto my laptop and killed my hard drive. I was sick to my stomach that everything I had on it was lost. My first thought was, “If I would’ve only done it differently this wouldn’t have happened.” “Why did I do that?” But then…rewiring the thought. “I’m human and it was just a mistake.” Luckily I have most things backed up, but the recent things were not. Once I got the new laptop I updated my show bible based upon what I could remember and I was surprised at how much I actually did recall.
How freeing! I love that you were quick to reroute that self-talk into something supportive of such a beautiful flow of info you HAD retained. Awesome, Aaron! Really great!
*creeps back in the room*
(I had to take a lil break from EC because I was getting too “in my feelings”. Obviously that has nothing to do with you guys – this course is fantastic and totally helpful. Anyway!)
I’m not sure how to best answer the Homework Question(s?) – but here we go.
1. Expectations others have of me, I want to break them (hey rebel heyyy). That used to get me in more trouble, but I’ve since matured.
I like to deal with expectations up front, as quickly and firmly as possible (which is why I think I make a great producer).
Example: I met with my (now) roommate and laid out social expectations. I told him I work from home often and I don’t party. I told him I’d text before bringing guests over and I hoped he’d do the same (so if I didn’t feel like seeing randos I could run into my room with a snack in time). He agreed. It’s been great.
2. Expectations I have of others: Disappointment/None.
At first I thought “Oh I don’t expect anything! I’m chill.” and then I realized, I *actually* expect poor quality/intelligence/communication from strangers until they prove otherwise. And then I get excited about them.
I know that expecting disappointment comes from my childhood neglect (“nothing means anything” would be a big story I used to tell myself). I’ve worked on it. I usually do pretty good when I’m called out on my bullsh*t. I still expect all relationships to end.
The less I expect of others, the less I need others. Which equals survival! Hooray. Perfect, airtight logic.
//
ALSO DAYEANNE HUTTON I AM CALLING YOU OUT. GET BACK IN HERE. <3
Welcome back, Amber. Good to see you! I want to play with this line:
I love that you got to “I *actually* expect poor quality/intelligence/communication” with this, because LOW expectations are actually expecting bad things. It’s protective (of course) and you know that.
Do you find that you have behaviors that are meant to cause relationships to end? I know I did for a very long time. Since “all relationships will end and I’m gonna be blindsided if I’m not the one who engineers it,” I would do a lot of things to derail the relationships before I could be blindsided. Are you seeing that pattern in yourself at all?
Glad you’re here. Feel those feelings, girl — here, there, everywhere! 😉
Welcome back! 🙂
Superpower Sunday
What my body felt was different between the two clips. With the Bobby McFerrin clip I felt a child like sense of play. It reminded me of being in choir when I was in high school and I sang along as he moved on the stage. With the Spielberg clip I experienced more of a sense of curiosity and wonder.
-Allowing for exploration
I had a coaching with my vo teacher to work on different voices to start creating a vo animation reel. My expectation is that I would have a tough time finding the voices because it’s new. Well today I reminded myself that I should give it a go with no expectations. Just go and be open to what happens. I remembered what April said in the zoom about, “No one told me I couldn’t.” Within an hour and a half we found 4 voices I’ve never done before and it was so easy.
Great awareness on the homework, Aaron. Thank you for sharing it!
LOVE the “No one told me I couldn’t” as a mantra for giving it a go. Reminds me of “Let’s Find Out!” Such a good mindset for DISCOVERY and release from the grip of expectations!
Congrats on the four new voices! Can’t wait to hear ’em!
Hi all, question for the group: did anyone save Bon’s email from December 2018 that contained an intro to crystals?
Also, forgive my heavy lurking. I’ve set a goal (with a reward) for being more engaged and engaging going forward.
Many thanks!
Hi Richard, I forwarded the email to your email address listed on your website.
This month has been so synchronistic. I had my acting class last night and would you believe the discussion topic was expectations in relationships — from your character’s viewpoint in the scene. Specifically, people expect and those expectations are what creates an authentic response in a conversation. As an actor, you need to come to a conversation with expectations about the person you’re talking to, what’s going to happen, etc. And then my teacher went on to say (this is how I heard it) that your core beliefs create your expectations and therefore your actions. For example, a person who has a core belief that they can’t succeed on their own and always relies on certain people for help has expectations that they won’t be able to succeed on their own and will come to those others for help each time. It opened my eyes to see expectations from a place of core beliefs of enoughness — if you don’t believe you are enough all by yourself and instead expect that you need the help of specific others to succeed, you will get caught up in a loop of needing their help, succeeding when you have their help, and seeing yourself fail when you don’t get it. I hope that came out clearly — I’m still processing it. I’m sure you can guess why…it tapped into a deep-seated core belief about myself and what I’m capable of achieving on my own, mixed in with trying to prove myself at the same time, while still being successful on my own but dwarfing those moments in my memory and somehow still connecting them to needing help from them (and getting their approval). Yuck! Not yet sure how to untangle this one but awareness is the first step and I’m aware. Everything comes back to enoughness.
I love this! Thanks for sharing what you’ve learned from your acting class.
I love this. And yes, it does all come back to enoughness. This is (part of) why I shared the “Montessori in 18 Minutes” vid for Superpower Sunday. Look at the enoughness that is FOSTERED (not taught) when we give people the space to figure out what they can figure out! Proving to ourselves that we can do anything… that’s part of what creates confidence, enoughness, and the bravery to do so much more in life.
So, look to things like learning to ride a bike. At first you may have the help of someone. You have training wheels. That doesn’t put you into a place of, “Forever more, I will ONLY succeed at riding a bike when I have that someone’s help, those extra wheels.” No! Not at all! It puts you in a place of, “Yes. Back then, I needed that extra support. Now I do not. I may be wobbly. I may even fall. But I absolutely can get somewhere on my own… here goes!” And then you try. You succeed. You dust yourself off when you do fall. But you prove to yourself you don’t ONLY have the option of TRYING when there’s that help.
hey y’all – !
catch-up Constance here! (and what that says about my own expectations…hohum!)
first of all, thank you for all of the beauty — vulnerability and insights — each of you shared during the month of june. i’ve gained so much with these reads and listens.
thank you, also, fairy godmother & fairy godfather! that reveal makes it all click for me! i was gifted a good fairy in my 20s and 30s for whom i’m most grateful (& who saved my life and help lay down the groundwork for all of this work), and i feel the same gratitude to y’all, too.
one of the first things that good fairy did for me was write down the word “should.” he then drew a circle around it and put a line through it and gave it to me. he told me to notice each time i used the word should in a sentence. oh my! i was “shoulding” all over the place! so many ingrained expectations that i was not meeting & how awful that made me feel about myself!!
i’ve been working through your concept of discovery and asking questions of others from a position of agendaless curiosity. i really love that awareness and i’m turning it back on myself, too. i’m curious about the expectations i harbor — ones that were passed over to me and ones that i’ve developed. breathing, staying present, and daily appreciations play a big role in opening-up and labeling (distinguishing) which expectations are my own, which are borrowed, and which were thrust upon me and do not fit (even though i carried it anyway!).
i’m still working to discover what is truly & authentically essential for me, esp. as i know that will lead to ease in my work and life—something i’ve longed to embody for a very long time.
one thing i know at its core — expectations and time are woven together for me.
so, i’ll look forward to uncovering more as we dive into july’s work.
thank you, again, y’all.
smooches!
oh wow. getting deeper & more specific here re: my relationship with expectations.
my realization is — i’m pretty good at identifying the “shoulds” in my life as expectations that were created for me. for a while i did a damn good job living up to those & seemed to be soaring until i took a “detour” or rather, began to distinguish what i want from those expectations.
my “dings” are when what i want isn’t going so well and i think on “coulda, shoulda, woulda” — but still. the questioner in me KNOWS that those shoulds do not match me. not in the least.
but here’s the scary juicy part that took me by storm late last night and through some meditation this morning: my deep inner expectations of what i want are still super critical and not a positive resource. some of them are connected to habit. i expect that i’ll be behind the 8-ball all of my life because i always have been. i expect that i’ll always be striving and won’t find ease because that’s what i’ve done all of my life and if it’s not really a struggle, it’s what i think i deserve. i expect that i won’t find the success i seek because i’ve not done so before or if i have, it was always tinged with something negative. i expect that i will turn into the bitter hollow woman i see in my sisters.
oh god! it feels pretty awful writing those down here & putting them out into the world. it’s not what i’m encouraging of myself, but burp! there is was in it’s full-scale of fear & negativity emitting out of me last night. and as i’m striving to become more & more present & conscious, i suppose it helps to shed light on what’s going on subconsciously,
on a more positive note, i love thinking about relationships & expectations. differing expectations seem to be the place where difficulty can arise in a relationship, of any kind. for the folks i care about preserving, i hope to get more active about discussing expectations sooner than later. for the folks that i’m realizing i’m outgrowing, i hope to listen more sans judgment and merely “see” that our paths are not connected at this time. it relates so much to what you discuss (you posted on it today, too!), Bonnie — changing our relationship with expectation helps us grow into a better person & as such, folks will fall away who live in the low/false/conditioned expectation paradigm.
Thank you, always, you gorgeous good fairies, for helping me grow.
Love you!
Love that you actually wrote BURP, Connie. Because I really do think of stuff like this as gas: better OUT than IN!
So, that you let GO of that stress and tension about becoming the bitter, hollow woman you see your sisters being?!? It’s big. Really let that settle in a bit.
Do some EFT. Burn some sage. Do a full-body shake. That was not small and I’m so proud of you for getting it OUT, girl!
thank you for your response, Bonnie!
i cannot believe i wrote BURP, especially because i don’t think i’ve ever done so prior to that moment! burping this stuff OUT is tremendous. in so doing i’ve discovered these past few days that it is far easier to believe in the negative & conditioned expectation because that’s something i’ve seen, experienced, know, do, could do — blah, blah, blah. BURP! (& seriously, i think i get acid indigestion because of this kind of thing!) and my true north expectation is something UNSEEN, UNKNOWN, UNEXPERIENCED — hence my difficulty leaning into those expectations and possibilities — what i can do & imagine.
it’s a habit to notice.
really stunning!
WOW, Constance. WOW! What revelations!
Expecting to be behind the 8-ball or that something’s going to be hard really resonated with me. And what happens when we release that expectation? Freedom and possibility!
And a big deep breath 🙂
Love you, lady!
thank you, sugar!
love you back soooo much!
Isn’t discovery just the most beautiful POV sometimes? So glad you’re playing with this and discovering so much! Love you!
yes m’am!
helps me remove judgey-Mcjudgejudge, too!
i discussed this poem in gigftnt, but it’s ringing in my ears right now re: expectations.
i won’t copy all of it here, but if the first two verses inspire, it’s from “If–” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;
Love that, Constance!
Yesterday, I finished reading the chapter about play in Greg’s “Essentialism” and had a breakthrough.
I’m pursuing a creative path because it gives me permission to play.
Writing/acting/directing allows me to play with words, play a different character, or play with camera angles, colors, shots and my vision.
Pole dancing allows me to play with spinning and flying (Ooh, I want to get back into it again!)
Last month, I decided to try a drawing class after watching the Montessori video and didn’t enjoy it. I realised it’s because I didn’t enjoy playing with drawing lines, shape, and space taught by that particular teacher. However, I am happy that I know how to draw. 😀
From now on, I will consider the element of play whenever I want to revisit or try a new activity (e.g., yoga, podcasting, exploring play with words on Twitter or photos on Instagram).
Having fun = play
LOVE that you didn’t automatically discount drawing classes after one mismatched instructor experience. Good splitting, Anna! 🙂 Excited to see how you play next!
Ended up hearing a podcast on Expectations and it brought me right back here. SO MANY MESSAGES. I hear ya, Universe!
And the thing that stuck out to me this time, Bon, is the Rebel part of me asking, “Is this the person I want to be?”
Good stuff! Thank you!
If anyone is interested, the podcast is Episode 20 on https://victoriaalbina.com/podcast
Great share! Thank you! And I love that rebel anthem! 🙂 You are so awesome, Laura!