Hey hey, you living success stories! Let’s do this!
This month is all about your relationship with success. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling relieved AF to be done with all that forgiveness and moving on to something SUPER easy like being successful.
Bwahahahahahahahahah! I crack myself up.
Of course, every one of you glorious creatures here knows full well that when I achieved my greatest successes in love, money, and fitness simultaneously, everything fell apart. And big time.
Here’s what’s interesting: I knew it was coming. I remember saying to one of my friends that I had this pinky-toe-hangnail-sized inkling that something wasn’t right.
It was kind of like this, really.
I kept looking for the catch. I kept being grateful, thanking the universe for the seemingly unstoppable abundance that was in my life all at once, yet I kept checking for some other shoe to drop. Because I never felt SAFE being successful.
How messed up is that?
Turns out? Not all that uncommon, actually. I mean, I guess I should’ve planned for this, seeing as I’ve got a LOT of data (in the form of clients I’ve worked with for decades now) about how this whole success-beyond-our-dreams thing can play out in the not-desired way. I’ve seen the self-sabotage. I’ve seen the upper-limit problems. I’ve seen the spin-outs. The near-misses. The close-calls. The burn-outs. The comeback stories. All of it.
So why couldn’t I prepare for it — and therefore avoid experiencing it — in my own life?
Ah, well this gets down to the truth that is at the heart of this exact program, m’dears. It’s why you may sometimes go weeks before visiting any month’s topic page. How you’ll map out on your calendar the live Zoom mastermind — filled with all the good intentions to be there! Then convince yourself you’ll watch the replay. But never do that either. It’s also why you’ll grab a Snickers. A glass of wine. A cigarette. The remote control. Your phone so you can scroll mindlessly on Instagram for hours… all right after having pledged you’re done with such lower-tier behavior.
Why does all of that happen? It’s how we’re wired.
To succeed is to become an OTHER. Especially if we have ambitions to succeed beyond the level we’ve ever witnessed anyone in our family experiencing. Particularly if everyone in our friend group is struggling. For sure if we’re partnered with someone whose ambition is satisfied by far less than our dreams feel called toward.
Once we ostracize ourselves by doing the audacious thing that IS being successful in anything — not to mention in many things, in the aggregate, in LIFE itself overall — we have a very powerful team of neurons flying around trying to come up with ANYTHING to get us to rush back into the welcoming arms of the tribe… if they’ll have us. And even if they won’t, we’ll sit right outside the cave door ’til they decide we’re done being punished for having aspired. For having succeeded beyond what THEY are comfortable with. And of course, we’ll self-flagellate to be sure it’s clear we’re sorry for what we’ve done.
And once bitten? Twice shy, baby.
Therefore, if you find yourself struggling with success in *any* area, I have an ironclad 100% guarantee that you can look to your past to find that first bite that’s creating today’s shyness when it comes to achieving your every desire in life.
Because there is nothing more important in the human brain than feeling SAFE. Thanks to that, you can bet that safety trumps desire every time the two are at odds.
There are a bajilliondy ways. Seriously. That’s not an overestimation of the number of ways out there that work for various folks when it comes to creating and maintaining a sense of safety in our own brains. But that’s also why it’s so tricky. It’s why I don’t have some workbook this month filled with pages for you to fill in the blanks about X, Y, or Z. (Not that I ever have such a thing for you, but you know what I mean.)
It’s not only that what works for YOU may not work for your bestie, your accountability buddy, your pace car, your mentee, your twin… it’s also that what works for YOU on THIS particular issue over HERE may not work for you the next time you try it on that other issue over there… or even on this SAME issue at a later time.
That’s because our brains are so. freakin’. smart. when it comes to being efficient at creating safety. Clever. Brilliant. Sneaky. Convincing. Cunning.
This is why we’ll stay in a relationship longer than we know we should. Stay in a survival job long after we’ve crafted a brilliant exit strategy combined with a gameplan for bringing in more income more easily doing something we love. Keep around any behavior we swear we want to be done with. Honey, it’s *never* about willpower; it’s about safety.
Make yourself feel SAFE to change? You’ll change. Make yourself feel SAFE to succeed? You’ll succeed. Make yourself feel SAFE to have it all? You will have — and keep — it all.
So… here’s where success gets even trickier. It’s a moving freakin’ target.
Sure, I could make myself feel safe losing weight as it came flying off me for the first time in my life to this degree. I could do the inner work to be sure I would feel safe getting into each new “decade” on the scale. I knew in particular that when we started getting toward the weight at which I was raped, there was gonna have to be some real fortification of work I’d been doing in therapy for years, because while I felt like I’d been doing the healing… until I saw certain numbers staring back at me from the scale, I wasn’t confronted with the PRIMAL fear of being unsafe at a certain weight.
No matter how much inner work I had done. For decades. Decades during which “success” at being at a weight I enjoyed eluded me. So I could *do* all the inner work without much consequence. Because I wasn’t going to have to find out what it would be like to get back there. Until it started becoming clear — through the food freedom Whole30 created for me in 2016 — that I was staring down the business end of a very real intersection of a “scary weight” and whether or not I could feel safe there. Not in my imagination, but in the daily reality of it.
Simultaneously, I watched my bank account head toward the very real intersection of “more money than I’d ever seen there” and a fear far scarier than being a target for rape, as far as my brain was concerned.
See, there was a time I felt safe having it all. I didn’t know I had it all; I was a kid and what I had was just what I had. I didn’t label it as “all” or “some” or “good” or “bad” or “complete” or “lacking” or anything else. It was all just really good. I was the star of my parents’ lives. My much older brothers were amused by the unplanned addition to their family. The Montessori educational system stimulated me in the most magical ways at a very early age. I was active and happy and bilingual and putting on shows and doing multiplication by the age of 4 — because it was FUN — and it all just felt safe.
Until it wasn’t. Within a few years, I would be a discipline problem wearing hand-me-down clothes at a rough public school, standing in the special line for kids on government-supported lunch, wondering whether I should tell someone about the molestation that I didn’t understand was happening to me in this new culture.
Somewhere in my brain got planted a very real “truth” that to be happy, to feel loved, to be intellectually stimulated in creative ways, to have all my needs met, and to feel SAFE in every way… was the MOST UNSAFE I could possibly be.
So I spent 40 years of my life being less-loved than I deserved, always only having “just enough” financially to make ends meet, and carrying around more weight than my body naturally wanted to have on it for the activity level I preferred.
To see all of that listed off like this, it stands to reason that as I allowed myself to become successful in every way simultaneously over a short period of time — no matter how much preparing for it I did, no matter how much reparenting I did, no matter how much therapy I did, no matter how much incremental work toward my dreams I did REGULARLY — the part of my brain that is in charge of what feels safe hit the panic switch and landed me in the hospital.
It had no choice. It had to take my body hostage to stop the momentum that was way, way, way beyond its comfort zone.
And I knew it was coming long before it happened because of that pinky-toe-hangnail-sized inkling that something wasn’t right. I knew success was starting to feel scary. But I charged ahead with the work of building my empire and loving my husband and working out and feeling great and investing in self-care and all the wonderful things that were the reality of my life at that time because I really believed if I just kept pushing through, that *feeling* would go away. Because aren’t we supposed to “feel the fear and do it anyway”?
Here’s the important distinction I never considered until going on this deep mind-body healing journey: There is a difference between feeling scared and feeling unsafe.
Feeling Scared vs. Feeling Unsafe
This is where the bulk of your homework lies, this month. I want you to really parse out the difference between feeling scared and feeling unsafe. Jam with me in the comments about it before and after our monthly Zoom meeting. It can be fuzzy — especially if we’ve been carrying it all around for a while — so I want to help you segregate the feelings of fear from the feelings of being unsafe. Please understand, they are totally different things.
I may feel fear when I have to send over my casting contract to a producer who wants to hire me. It has big numbers and big boundaries in it. And sometimes powerful people don’t like others to have those things in their deal memos. So in hitting the SEND button, I have *fear*. I do not feel unsafe. It is not as if my world will end if there’s a negative outcome from here. So I take that fear and thank it for letting me know I’m pushing an edge, I’m going outside my comfort zone, I’m taking a leap to the next tier, I’m honoring my NO line and asking for what I need in order to say YES, and then I move on to the next thing. Fear. Check. JFDI is the cure for fear. And fear can also be overwhelm, low-grade anxiety, envy, confusion, and even excitement. JFDI.
I may feel unsafe when I consistently see a bank balance that is higher than I’ve ever seen and there’s no sign of it shifting. Because I have a decades-ago CREATED expectation (damn, there’s that word again) — that when there is money in the bank, something horrible is on its way to wipe it out. Someone is about to get sick and have to go to the hospital. Someone is about to leave and take everything with them. Someone is about to rob me blind, embezzle funds, hack my online world and take everything, locking me out of my ability to even RECOVER from such a thing. I am about to be decimated and there’s nothing I can do to prepare for it…
…other than creating an upper-limit problem pronto so that I’m *somehow* in control of the decimation.
If you’ve ever wrecked your car just as everything seemed to be going your way, run off a partner by behaving badly and driving them away, gotten sick so that you cannot enjoy the cool things you’ve built in your life, or anything else in that territory, you can bet there’s a VICTORY in the control you feel vs. the unsafe feeling you were having before that happened.
Unsafe = “I will die.” And if you can strip back anything in the fear department allllllll the way to a core of “I will die,” that’s not fear; that’s you feeling unsafe. And until that bitch gets healed, there’s no moving forward. Well… there’s moving forward that quickly boomerangs back OUT of that forward motion and that’s a dance a LOT of people choose to have when it comes to their relationship with success.
A little success followed by a backslide. An uptick followed by a spiral down. A tier-jump followed by a crash back to square one.
You can bet your bootie every one of those happened in response to a core feeling of unsafety.
So here’s the homework: List up your fears and start mapping out which ones aren’t actually fears at all (remember, the cure for fear is JFDI). Prepare to feel strong emotions as you realize the patterns that stem from expectations that progress leaves you unsafe. As you notice all the places in your history where you’ve let an expectation that you are unsafe if you move forward PREVENT you from achieving a goal, be ready to do some forgiveness work on that very real anger you feel. You’re probably gonna do a bit of mourning for the beliefs you’re now ready to bury. Good. Feel the feelings. They’ve probably been deeply rooted for a good long time.
Remember, emotions are like farts: better OUT than IN.
I’ve been going extra-heavy on the EFT lately. Like multiple sessions a day. I can’t always tell that it’s making that big a difference in the moment, but what I do know is that just doing a round of, “Even though everyone will leave me when I am successful, I deeply and completely love and accept myself,” reminds me that I am rerouting very deeply established neuralpathways and that takes TIME and presence and lots of practice in the direction I want to go.
In fact, part of the reason so much of Get in Gear for the Next Tier is all about normalizing next-tier behaviors is because the more practiced we are at the lifestyle we want for ourselves, the less UNSAFE it feels when things start showing up. We book the national and say, “Of course. This feels right. And good. And awesome. AND SAFE.” We sit in the waiting room for final network tests during pilot season and say, “Of course. This feels right. And good. And awesome. AND SAFE.” We see love and money and health and wellness and vitality and friskiness and achievement and freedom and everything else we want in our lives show up and don’t meet it with, “Oh, fuck! What do I do NOW?!?” or, “Oh, shit! When is the other shoe gonna drop?!?” but instead, “Of course. This feels right. And good. And awesome. AND SAFE.”
Best believe it is the practice of success that makes success feel right at home when it shows up. So getting super clear on where we feel unsafe NOW — and then doing what we can to reduce and then eliminate the energetic *charge* we may feel about that unsafe feeling — is the starting point for making success stick in beautiful and enduring ways. Whether it’s EFT, journaling, energetic hygiene triangles, Abraham-Hicks, or anything else from your Expansive Capacity toolbox (or beyond), dig in and get into a better-feeling place with this stuff. It’s a part of your success place-setting. Make it feel at home!
Why would we stop ourselves from feeling good? Because we didn’t think we deserved to feel good. Because we didn’t think we deserved to feel love. And, perhaps most important, we sabotaged our good feeling because we simply didn’t have much practice feeling good for any substantial length of time. The history of humanity, as well as our personal histories, teaches us a lot about adversity and how to deal with it but very little about how to feel good and maintain that feeling. Wow!
–Gay Hendricks
Root out the stories behind success in your life. What beliefs do you hold (whether they’re yours or someone else’s you inherited) about success? That it has to be hard-won? (It doesn’t.) That it has to come with sacrifice? (It doesn’t.) That it has to cost you your privacy or your love life or your health? (It doesn’t.) I especially want to drill down on the ones that you’re absolutely certain — due to experience — are TRUE. Let’s start seeing how we can make the part of your brain that *needs* those beliefs to be true feel safe releasing the death-grip on those “truths.” And then watch success start showing up more and sticking around longer.
Note: I did not say “showing up instantly and sticking around forever.” It’s part of why this mastermind — and the forthcoming enoughness offering we’re building — exists. Success is managed. Wealth is managed. Relationships are managed. Vitality is managed. Expectations are managed. Safety is managed. The work of making success feel safe is not “once attained and forever done” but instead regularly revisited, recalibrated, and reinforced through our daily doings.
Aren’t you glad you’re here for this?
The Audacity of Striving
I think we’ve all been told at some point in our lives that we should be grateful for what we’ve got because someone else has it worse. We all heard about starving children in Ethiopia when we didn’t want to eat our broccoli, I’m betting. And when we acted “spoiled” in some way, we may have heard, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” because if we couldn’t be grateful for what was right there in front of us, we probably should be punished, right?
Oof. Talk about some bullshit baggage that gets packed into our load to cart around for a freakin’ lifetime!
There’s something pretty audacious about wanting more. “Who does SHE think she is?” was a big player in my life. My mom feared hearing that as her life and business started improving at times. I inherited that and, welp, personal expansion — which enoughness always represents — challenges our ancestral truths.
Um, did I mention that if we feel unsafe, we’ll sabotage our success, no matter how much we’ve always said we wanted it? Betraying our parents, our families, our tribes, our ancestors, our gender, our heritage, our religion, our WHATEVER… is how success feels if there’s never been a good, proximate role model, pace car, or lighthouse for us to connect with. It’s one of the reasons that I encourage y’all to connect with one another. To have these convos. To participate here with me. To make these topics less taboo and more a part of the inner work that creates safe spaces for success to flood in and stick around. For us to INSPIRE our family members and peer groups who now get to see that it *is* possible. Because we made it so. And that means it’s also possible for them.
Uh-oh. Cue the confrontation that *that* will create for those who’ve enjoyed the handy cap on success that was a reality ’til you proved it all to be a lie. And that confrontation within themselves OFTEN spills over into a confrontation you’ll get to experience. Aaaaannnd we’re back to feeling unsafe for succeeding.
We rush home to share our successes with our loved ones and are met with disdain for “How dare you change?” and it’s never about us. It’s about a mirror we just held up for them when we proved once and for all that they chose a life of limits… and that just wasn’t okay for us. We had the audacity of striving. And it may cost us our relationships.
It very well may.
But not all of them. Just the ones that were limiting to begin with. One of the regular practices Keith and I have had since we came together in 2001 is dreamscaping for our next tier. This was true when we lived in a cramped apartment with no dishwasher and we would tell stories to one another about our future apartment with the dishwasher. This is still true when we live in an apartment by the beach and tell stories to one another about when we buy the whole building, turning the other apartments into offices and screening rooms. Oh yeah, and a D&D gaming cave. (I’m SO supportive of the hubs!)
We grow well together because we involve one another in our next-tier realities. And we respect when our visions for success are different! But we never DON’T talk about what success looks and *feels* like for us! Because if we start keeping our dreams to ourselves, how can we energize them for one another and celebrate when they start showing up? Not to mention, how would we ever be able to stay together for the ride if we’re living realities we haven’t made feel safe in our very relationship?
This is the work, y’all. And if striving feels selfish, if wanting more feels indulgent, I’ll encourage you to double down on the gratitude for exactly what you currently have while getting okay with never being complacent. Because to live on this planet is to expand. To grow. To succeed.
The question is whether or not we’ll allow that expansion, that growth, that success to show up as fully as we’ve energized it to do.
And then, the scariest question ever: What if I achieve success and then I’m *still* not happy?
Woof.
Dig in on this in your journal and below in the comments. During our Zoom we’ll tackle “the unnameable horror that is unsafe” (a Keith Johnson original), definitions of success as the place where everything is different, and whether or not success can be EASY (spoiler alert: It can!). Ooh, this is so damn good, y’all!
Aligned Hustle Calendar
So, let’s look at your most productive days in September, shall we? We start on the 1st ready for some teamwork (emphasis on the work, with it being a 4 day). The 5th is a good day for powerful focus. The 7th and 8th will land eight planets in earth which means it’s time to clean house, baby! Since it’s a Capricorn moon, that “clean house” could be career related and that’s totally okay. Focus on the big picture. The 10th is also a good day to get work done — especially with a group (no one will take too much personally, should there be any Virgo criticism, thanks to the Aquarius moon).
During our full moon in Pisces on the 13th, release any impractical dreams you’ve been keeping around. Seven planets will be in mutable signs at this time so be prepared to feel extra fluid about everything! With Venus and Mercury moving into Libra on the 14th, both your love life and communications should become less nuts-and-bolts and more idealistic and diplomatic. As always, a day that’s an 8 numerologically is a good one for anything involving positions of authority (yours or other people’s).
Holy balls at the GSD energy of the 15th and 16th with that kick of air finally having shown up after so much earth for so long! With the 15th being a 9 numerologically, lean into that Aries moon with an eye toward decluttering. Then start new projects on the 16th… but not the vitally important ones, thanks to that void moon. The GSD energy continues all week long, y’all — especially with Saturn going direct on the 18th (so long procrastination) and that day being a 3 which is great for creative solutions! Look toward big-picture projects and make some money moves this week. It’s a REALLY good time to make things happen through Friday!
When Jupiter squares Neptune on the 21st, really watch your boundaries — especially at home and in your closest relationships since this is a 6 day. Spend some time decluttering (again). As we head into the Cancer moon and the end of Virgo season on Emmy Sunday, we’ll be shifting gears for the Autumn Equinox and then on the 24th and 25th, prepare for charisma that cannot miss thanks to the combination of Libra sun and Leo moon!
Did you want some more GSD energy? Good! We’ve got it served up on the 27th and 28th to the extreme, and with a new moon in Libra on the 28th, you should plan to set your intentions for what you want from your partnerships in the next six months. Oh, and if you’re looking to spice up your sex life, the month ends with the perfect energy for that! Mrawr!
I soooooo love you beautiful people! Thank you for being on this amazing journey with me. I’m so grateful to you all for trusting me with the depth of this work. Your success is a glorious thing you allow me to bear witness to! I treasure that. And YOU!
All my ninja love,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Wednesday, September 18th, at 1:30pm PDT. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. 😉
If you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
Click here to download a PDF of the fab, fun chat from today’s session. Y’all continue to inspire me!
Post-Zoom, here’s some homework to consider tackling.
Homework:
- Journal up a list of BEING and DOING states in your life. We’re going to tackle that “worth” issue by getting clear on where you attach your worth to your DOINGS (whether it was someone else who got the momentum going on this or it has now become a habit of your own before you even consider another’s expectations) and begin focusing attention and energy on the essence of BEING as all it takes to feel worthy of all life’s gifts and riches.
- No one is expecting perfection in order for success to be granted to us. Watch the Jamie Foxx blunder on the live taping of All in the Family here. Watch the best of The Carol Burnett Show crack-ups here (and just go down the YouTube rabbit hole for more). Here‘s Carol Burnett talking about how much fun the whole cast had at the expense of Harvey Korman’s flubs.
- Introduce a mantra into your life and use it liberally. Some suggestions: “It is safe to be successful.” “It’s not about deserving success; it’s a part of who I am.” “I am enough.” “I belong here.” “Being is enough. There is nothing to DO to prove I have value. Being is enough.” Do these mantras throughout the day, at night before bed, upon waking, and anytime you’re feeling stressed or triggered. More importantly, do them when you’re feeling GOOD and see how the extend that feeling of safety *into* good times. We are simply under-practiced when it comes to being HAPPY. We may have no role models for happiness. We’re heading into uncharted waters.
- How do you behave when you know you are the best in the world at what you do? Now… this is not to trigger DOING after I just got you doing mantras about the worthiness in BEING. 😉 The work here is seeding your life today for the future you expect to create. Setting a place at the table for success to come over and stay a while. Start by noticing your tolerance level for success. Let something get really good — at the FEELING level more than anything else — and notice if you start to feel twitchy in another area of your life. Go back to the mantras. Journal. Make it feel safe to have good feelings… even if this requires a little reparenting.
- Check yourself for living the arrival fallacy/destination addiction life. If this is showing up for you, detangle the connection of postponing joy ’til some result occurs. Allow yourself to feel bliss NOW. Find any excuse to do so. And if there are things you believe will create more joy in your life, try and dial in sooner-achieved goals rather than big, distant ones. Make it feel like a win when you go an hour without checking your phone. Give yourself a celebration when you don’t let a senseless debate suck you in. Create authentic bliss for “the little things” so you stop holding your best emotions hostage to some future that’s not written yet.
Here’s the big reminder for us all: We HAVE TO create a culture in which success can be the conversation. It is imperative that we have safe spaces to engage in the dialogue of what succeeding IS and how it really feels. When we deny ourselves the peer group and the lifestyle required of the future we want for ourselves, we’re choosing to stay small and we’ll always wonder what could’ve been. Remember that definition of Hell from Get in Gear for the Next Tier? Meeting the version of yourself you could’ve been. Ouch.
Be best you today. Get there incrementally with changes to choices, behaviors, friend groups, convos, beliefs that suit next-tier you. Show up for yourself. Build the muscle for having exactly these kinds of discussion so that it’s not shocking to your system when success makes its way into your life at levels beyond your wildest dreams! Create your own G-force training and don’t be surprised when it makes you nauseated. 😉 You’ve got this! And we’ve got you. It’s why we’re here, love. Make the most of this membership. It’s an investment in best you!
I love you beautiful people! You continue to astound me with your growth and willingness to face down the big scary feelings in order to create a more soul-connected existence for you and everyone in your orbit. Oh, and I noticed in the chat something about feeling as though this work keeps coming back. Yeah… it’s a spiral, though. Each time we face “the same lessons,” what we’re doing is revisiting the same THING but from a whole new vantage point, with a whole new set of tools for learning the new things we’re meant to experience at our new tier. It’s a divot that gets shallower over time. Keep spiraling up, glorious ones. 🙂 This is the work!
As always, any questions for us, continue to pop ’em in below! This is where the magic IN YOU happens outwardly. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us… and the whole damn world! They’re important and so are you, rockstar. So excited for the journey to success we’re embarking on together this month! Let’s make it all really freakin’ real.
This. This, this, this!! This morning I was journaling on disempowering beliefs and success and feeling safety around success in any area and then I open my inbox and boom, there’s this!
You see right now I’m “safe” having success in places that I am not focused on, that I don’t “care” about (oh hello producing in England, and writing industrial scripts., and production managing events) because when those things go away I don’t really care about them. And if I know anything it’s that they will go away because that’s “how it works”. But the areas I do care about (looking at you acting), well that’s danger, because when it goes away (and it will, see above) that is I’ll die territory.
Plus isn’t it interesting that my great relationship is one that began before I learned I wasn’t worthy or enough to really be loved. I don’t hold this relationship up to that looking glass because I don’t believe he has to “see” me that way since he chose me before I became unworthy of love.
Ahhh but the feeling of relief, and happiness, that I can do the work and change my reality and remove these beliefs? Yeah that’s pretty awesome!
Off to work I go, because you bet I’m throwing the kitchen sink at this one.
Me too, Laura! This is one that’s squishy as Hell thanks to all that fluidity in what success means and what it means in one area vs. another and what it means in any of those places at one time or another and OMG it just absolutely needs everything thrown at it to even stand a chance at making a dent. I love having cracked the work of this… but holy balls is it a LOT of work (and *daily* for me right now)!
Love where you’re already seeing this before you even come to the page! Cannot wait to tackle this fully with you!
Wow, there is so much to digest here!! The first thing that popped in my head about being unsafe due to success, I actually thought back to school.
I was always excited to ask more questions and to answer questions. But the thing I learned over time was that I put a target on myself by standing out. It is safer to stay small and not let others see the real me….. The me that is unquenchingly curious. who was actually making things take longer to go down the various rabbit holes. So, I also learned that my interests were not interesting to others. Honestly, even typing this makes me wonder if my insights are ridiculous and I should just keep it to myself…..
I still remember how I felt when my third grade teacher mocked me for asking a question that she felt was a dumb question because there was no way I really didn’t know (I didnt.). So, again, keep quiet…. Don’t stand out…..
And isn’t it wonderful to have chosen a career in which STANDING OUT is the work? You are given a daily opportunity to heal such a cruel thing that happened when your enoughness was being dialed in. I love that you’ve shared this and hope you’ll do some forgiveness work about that early belief that got thrown on your shoulders (that you shouldn’t stand out) and absolutely celebrate that asking questions is not only allowed, it’s celebrated! 🙂
So glad you’re here, Dawn!
me too! I remember my friends mocking me for being a good student. Like, knowing the answers and wanting to show that I knew the answers made me a teacher’s pet… And slowly… I stopped being her.
AHHH! / OHHH! ^ wow… aha moment.
There is so much here and so much to process, and understand,….
i think i feel the difference, between being scared and feeling unsafe, but hard for me to put it down coherently .
i will try to put some of my thoughts that i wrote down yesterday here, and see if it makes any sense or is what you want us to do.. or relevant at all some of it, .i hope it is not too much of a muddle but i am afraid it will be…
I’ll just go in the order i wrote things down.
I get into conversations that i dont need to, in length , often. as if to pass the time , to go with the other person, hard for me to cut things. That is in relationships too, but talking here about passing casual meetings, where i am drained of energy and angry with myself for having been distracted in my path. I am not sure if it is that it feels unsafe to cut, to drop someone, or something , which is fairly ridiculous when i think of these particular cases.Then i get into conversations abiout my acting career or personal things which is totally inappropriate. Then i can feel dropped when another person cuts me, and i have wasted my time, I need to see when something is a pleasurable encounter in which the conversation or meeting is giving me energy nourishing me, or not, If not i usually know within a second or 2 so need to just not have them . I am afraid this is very basic; but something happened yesterday which put me in a bad mood about it, nothing terrible happened just a waste and i felt worse and had been feeling good earlier treating myself well, I was now behind in my schedule and with less energy. and not doing what i needed to do.
Maybe i needed a reminder of this,. Still lots to learn to be more decisive and clear about what i need and don’t need. doing this i think is keeping me in the safe mode for some reason.
I feel pain for the situation i am in, the times i have been hurt, the loss, the loneliness, but i try not to focus on this.as i can very easily feel like it is all hopeless, Less and less than iu used to expect in certain interactions.
Unsafe to complete a task?
Think that i might not be good enough, be boring, that i might have to see that i am not special, not good enough, not successful enough.
It was good for me to do that ex on day 89 in GIGNT as i saw that it wasn’t so terrible,that there are all sorts of options, and i need to keep going and not be afraid to give things a go, and hopefully i will be clearer,
Where do i feel unsafe now?
with my brother in communicating ,
in places i feel uncomfortable but don’t like to say or to leave.
as if i don’t want to hurt the other.
unsafe to tell him what i feel or think.
am very cautious. I talk too much , as if to fill up the void, afraid of being attacked if i express my needs or feelings of being hurt or neglected, afraid of being critised and of being unloved.
unsafe to react in the way i want as it can be too much, so i feel my way through negotiating , dampening it.
Having said that today i tried to say some things and that was a start as maybe he got something and i said please let’s try to keep talking as i need to communicate.
There is a lot concerning my life which depends on some decisions to be made. The past is full of unspoken grievances, and pain on my part much of which became so bad because i couldn’t cut or stand up for myself and my needs,. Its complicated.
What beliefs do you have about success?
That it has to be hard won. That it never stays.
Im not sure if i really believe either if these statements, I believe some people are more naturally at one with themselves , clear of who they are , and some people have less of a struggle to accept themselves , believe in themselves, but i also see from all this work Ive been doing here in GIG how much it can be developed, and that it is there. just needs focusing and directing .
I feel i am saying lots of words, and i don’t know if this is useful.
The audacity of striving,
things I’ve heard or felt from others.all; sorts of things ,that come to mind,
‘you didn’t know what it was like’ ‘ you couldn’t never understand’
;who does she think she is!’ ( i think at other times i have had huge confidence in myself and so made big desicion. and steps.)
‘its ok for her’
I think sometimes when i have been strong and confident in a class or production and have felt dropped or criticised and yes it has made me feel uncomfortable. In others ive felt the complete opposite.
Its as if i i now have no gage, or awareness, about my level or ability in anything.I must have been so dependent on outside approval….
Bad treatment from a director or 2 o comes to mind , and my ways to respond, (not sure how much detail to go into.here )
‘ How can she go away ‘ ( maybe from jealousy , envy)
‘Its easy for her (you ) she doesn’t have kids etc, ( from ignorance, selfishness, unkindness)
‘ you were lucky you played the violin so have another string to your blow’ ( ignorance and laziness ) I worked very hard for everything i did and achieved, Nothing was or is easy.’
‘ jack of all trades'( ignorance total ignorance, envy and jealousy i think of me and of my perserverence) and also misuse of the expression ) from i think a maybe frustrated person who thinks she understands but doesn’t at all,. as that is not the point and has no truth at all as i have been extremely dedicated to everything i have done and have by no means just done things on a whim or had anything of that nature, I am quite muti talented i think and very enthusiastic to explore and to learn, always more,
I should not be giving these responses a moments thought our even hearing them but i did.
When things have gone well for me suddenly at times, when i went away to Buenos Aires, ‘ easy for her she just go’s off when its hard ( from limitations ignorance, envy of freedom)
If we feel unsafe we will sabotage our success..
When i detached from my family , rebelled as i did, , brought some kind of success, in the beginning in what in was doing, it was flowing and exciting eg with violin, and then going to drama school, there was a movement , an energy , a feeling that i could conquer the world.
But then i started being scared again, or unsafe, not sure which,.insecure , unstable,needing more support,.
Then series of relationships where 1,i gave the person the role of sensor , abandoner. alienator , represser putting me down, misogynist,etc etc . Held me back completely. As if to give me stability but just held me back.
then various other impossible situations in relationships where i felt abandoned and others various types of abuse.
, Connections with woman who are not on my plane or level of intelligence, awareness, , filling in time, or made me feel safe, but not understand , not in my world;Makes me feel safe as i stay the same, i stayed small, problematic, not getting off the ground,
I also actually think i have a confusion with friends and collegues as Keith was talking about in one of the lessons.
My brother, not safe to express my needs , to ask for what i want, need or deserve, dont like upsetting me or anyone, and only feel bad afterwards, At least i dont let him or anyone really put me down anymore but i find the need to out me up all the time and justify my existence, while he shares nothing or very little with me. I am actually angry but cant express it, cant cut off completely,. It leaves me or left me not truthful, not open, half baked.
I think sometimes this has been true of other relationships but this is the strongest place i feel it now.
He is not a bad person , but has a very different way of seeing the world and way of life and it always makes me feel worse, i think it wasn’t always like that, it is just because of his responsibilities,. and marital relationship ,thats he has changed.,I always feel doom when i speak to him, and i want to feel i can fly.
‘If striving feels selfish, if wanting more feels indulgent, Ill encourage you to double down on the gratitude for exactly what you currently have while getting on with never being complacent’ To live on this planet is to expand, to grow, to succeed’
I like all this , makes perfect sense and that is what i need to focus on right?
and to declutter all that other stuff i talked about ?
I had some good things happen to me, success things in my mind, after a block in an on camera audition class i was doing , a girl ,actress , in class, that i need to fight , that she thought we see you criticising yourself all the way through, and you need ton fight, and the guy who was facilitating the workshop said ‘ tis not like you are not fighting, its as if you have your hands tied behind your back,,,, anyway i wasnt sure what to make of it, but was glad of any feedback as i felt stuck. The girl who was japanese and i liked her work came to speak to me and apologised saying she though she had hurt my feelings, i said not at all, i was grateful for saying anything, as i am very aware now off when someone says something meaning well it is only good, and she offered to meet me the following week to run lines with me, which we did, she got in touch the day before , we met before the class, and i already felt better ,it was a drama filmed in very close, and was the best i had been,and for the first time looking back at them as we do, i said i liked it and everyone was cheering. We talked about staying in touch and she said she hopped to work with me again and that we would both grow . She also told me about the script she has written and is producing and has a fairly well known actor agreed to play opposite her who also has a production company . she seems ver7y focused and nice , i like her and i felt appreciated as well.She had mentioned how she loves the nuanced work i do. Anyway i did register this little story as a success story for myself to see, a small one.but still one.
Earlier i talked to my brother about not feeling i am able to speak to him. I tried to also present my needs. I couldn’t help being a bit whiny about feeling a bit neglected,or not appreciated as i do expect a bit more considering the situation..i thought he should be more understanding and flexible and generous. It seems though that is not to be, he sees it all differently , so i need to accept that. I do feel it was good to try to say some things though . I did it halfway , i wanted him also to see i thought he was being hard, and unthoughtful.
Where do i put all this in relationship to moving ahead in my work my career ? I guess this is all so much that it doesn’t or didn’t allow space for growth, I now think of what i need to do and it is daunting.I feel a lot of emotion right this moment now after writing all that, and fear
l i have some practical decisions to make of where i want to be and can be, but i know there is so much that i am doing, I’m doing my best to change , to break through and forwards, I hope it will be possible,
This is the work, Janet. And you are safe.
The process is to even START looking at what’s under the surface so it’s not staying under the surface (where it can do more harm) but instead coming UP, getting OUT… which allows us to diffuse the emotions, wrangle the fears, get clear about where our boundaries really are, stop blocking ourselves.
Sounds like you could benefit from listing off energy-producing activities, energy-depleting activities, and neutral activities. So, three lists. And just make it a goal to do less of the things you KNOW are energy depleting! Not to cut them out altogether, but to just decrease how much of it you invest in. That alone will create so much space in your life for better, higher-vibe, more successful experiences.
And when you think it’s not energy depleting, and *then* you start to get a ping that, “Uh-oh… I’m about to get in a bad place for having this convo with this person right now,” you can practice removing yourself from the conversation. You can practice setting a limit (I even have “Set a Limit” in my BALANCED app on my phone; it’s something I’m building a muscle for several times a day). This is the work!
So glad you’re here.
hOly mOther of gOddess gOodness graciOUs!
I thought this month was going to be easy breezy (heyy, little “e”… e for expectation hehe), and welp, it’s not lulz.
I don’t know if it’s because I read the first half of the post on one day and the second half on another day, but to me, it seems like there are two sticky sides to success: otherness and safety. I am very familiar with the otherness of success. The un/safety part is new to me, and I’ll have to loop back around once I ponder that some more.
So I recently won UCB Drag Race as a bio queen. When I got asked to do it, I was like, “Hael yeah” because I had helped my best friend win three season ago. I remember saying to my best friend that all I wanted was to make it to finals to share with the community pole dancing, which was very genuine, but there was also a teensy part of me that felt like I could win because I knew I’d be a dope performer/competitor, but I also didn’t want to say that out loud because… I don’t know… What if I jinxed myself? Or what if I lost? Which would prove that I wasn’t dope. Each round I won taught me that I needed to trust my gut and instincts more as a performer and competitor. And that was a great learning experience.
I also learned that I am not a great winner. All of my friends were basking in my win and so fucking excited and thrilled and celebrating at the top of their lungs, not caring who heard them or saw them rave over my performance. And it felt like it it was okay for them to do that but it wasn’t okay for me to do that because how would my fellow competitors feel? I didn’t want them to feel bad. And it felt like they felt some type of way about it because none of them came up to me to congratulate me on my win, which is something I would’ve done had someone else won (oh, hello again, little e!). And I remember asking myself, “Is this mine or is this theirs?” (I loved this when you shared it with us a few months ago, Bon). And I projected into the future and was like… “Ugh, is this what it’s going to be like when I’m nominated for and win an Emmy or an Oscar? Does success come with a little bit of sour too? Because if so, I’m not sure if I want the trophy to tell me I’m dope. Because I know I’m dope. I don’t need people to externally validate my dopeness because win or lose, my work will speak for itself.” <– I feel like there's a lot of healthy enoughness but maybe some limiting beliefs in there as well?
I realize that some of this is rooted in the beliefs and values my mother instilled in me. Prep schools are big in Korea, so my mom enrolled me into after-school tutoring since I was like 7. So it was a cultural thing and also a "let's make sure she has the extra support she needs because I'm an immigrant and I can't help her in school the way English-speaking parents can," which is a wonderful intention. But she would always tell me to never tell people that I had help because people would get jealous, which is/isn't true. It was meant to be kept a hugh-hush secret, which I internalized as shame. I subconsciously struggled with this a lot when I was younger because it felt like the reason I was excelling was because I was cheating. And my mom never really celebrated my successes with others because of what other people might think. Like, she would privately. She always took me out to my favorite lunch spot. But it was never like, spoken about again. It was something that happened, and then you moved on.
Another thing that resonated with me was "we never DON'T talk about what success looks and feels like for us." I don't really talk about that. I keep that to myself most of the time. It'll come out in the context of long-term goals, but for the sake of dreaming out loud with others? Rare. Mostly because… it feels like… What if I don't make it, and I've said these dreams out loud? WHICH IS SO CRAZY TO ME BECAUSE I KNOW I'M GOING TO MAKE IT SOME DAY… BUT THERE'S A PINKY TOE HANGNAIL PART OF ME IS LIKE WAIT, JIC YOU DON'T, DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!!! AGHHHHHH
Lots of things to explore [:
Yes! And essentially, otherness *is* unsafety. It’s a feeling of being different enough that you won’t live. From an evolutionary perspective, there’s a part of our brains that KNOWS we will die if we’re ostracized. So the feeling of UNSAFE is very, very primal.
To be celebrated is to be a bigger target.
To be proud of winning it so make others feel bad (Cancers hate that when ANYONE causes it; most of all when we worry we might be the cause of it).
Hell, on that front, Q, look at how I’ve built a community — look at how EVERYTHING we do is around bringing people together, not having isolated experiences. We’ve even made the BOOK (something that has for all time been a PRIVATE thing to own and consume, right?!?) a community venture.
So there is a way to be a success, be celebrated by your community, and know you’re showing leadership — teaching others that this can happen for them too — not showing exclusion or cockiness or unfair advantages. Definitely childhood/teenhood things to clean up with this, from just what you’ve shared here, but let me ask about winning the Cricket Feet Showcase. Did that trigger you like the UCB Drag Race?
I saw you celebrate that and trust when others celebrated you too. Is there a type of community that makes it okay? Or a friend group with whom you can share in authentic and vulnerable ways?
I just got off a coaching call with Denise Duffield-Thomas (our money mentor) and she was all about the community she has built around talking about WEALTH in a way that makes it less stigmatized when we achieve it. But if we’ve never been allowed to celebrate wins of ANY kind — whether it’s winning first place or getting good grades or winning a scholarship or scoring a great parking spot or being promoted or, yes, even that Emmy nomination — there’s work to do to make that feel safe.
I think like with everything it’s about the HOW in it all. HOW do you celebrate? Do you let them carry you around like you’re a queen and treat everyone like peasants? Or do you involve them in the feeling of the win? Do you live as a lighthouse, a role model, a bit of proof it can be done?
This is Day 6 GIGFTNT stuff for sure. Usually, if we feel anything is WRONG with our own success, it stems from carrying judgment/resentment toward others when THEY have success. There’s something we dislike in what we see, so we feel icky about it when it happens for us. Which of course tells the universe to keep it away from us… which of course accomplishes the goal of the primal brain: keeping us safe and small.
See? That’s a tricky. Clever. Fucking. Brain. 😉
So we have to be more clever in our making success feel safe. This is the work.
Okay, first of all, congrats on your win! That was all YOU and you turned it out. 😀 That’s super awesome your friends were supportive, but oof, girl, I feel that something fierce. Being scared of *even mentioning* you’re participating in something, feeling confident enough to win and just putting it out there because WhAT iF I JInX MysELf?
Perceiving that *we make other people feel bad* just by winning. T_T That’s a HUGE burden to put on ourselves . . . Being responsible for how other people feel. People are gonna be proud of you for winning, and others will feel lousy they lost. That’s not on you, friend. You’re not gloating, you’re not demeaning or belittling their effort, you did the damn thing and you’re celebrating. 🙂
It’s really cool hearing your story ~ thank you for being vulnerable. You’re a lighthouse for many, and if this helps at all, I’m a total Lizzo fan and when she sings, “If I’m shinin’ everybody gonna shine!” That’s you, friend. Keep on shining, cause you’re gonna help others find their shiny.
This is so good, Millie. Love you.
Oh, my goodness Quincy, I totally relate on the worrying about the other contestants! And how much stress it feels like it would be to get a trophy.
Congratulations on your win – that’s really awrsome! Did you end up doing anything to celebrate your win for you?
OMG IS THAT A CANCERIAN THING (when others feel bad and it’s the worse if we think we’re the cause of it)?! I’ve always wondered why I worry so much about how other people feel, especially if they feel bad, and it’s nice to know that it IS a “me” thing but not a ME thing if that makes sense.
You are right,, Millie. It is a HUGE responsibility. People are going to feel good/bad whether I win or if so-and-so wins. *gasp* whoa. It’s not about me. It’s not about me at all.
And I love that Lizzo quote!
I think there was some shame felt around winning UCB Drag Race. Even though I had won through my own hard work and the time/money I invested, I felt like I had cheated because I had done pole. I knew none of the other competitors had any experience doing anything like that. It felt like an unfair advantage somehow? I know I didn’t win JUST because of pole, but there’s a tiny gremlin that likes to talk shit at me about it.
Just saying there was shame around winning makes me feel better because I know it’s not true. (I’m reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly, and I just started the section about shame and how talking about it helps.)
And yes, I didn’t feel that way when I won the Cricket Feet Showcase. It felt like the community supported each other, and it felt safe. So I take back what I said about not know what it feels like to feel un/safe around success. I have run across this before; I just didn’t know it.
In terms of the HOW, I think that was one of my WHY’s I uncovered this year. I want to be a lighthouse to those around me because I didn’t have the lighthouse. But I guess that also means being a fucking lighthouse, which is to shine when the time calls for it.
When I posted my initial post, I also had a really bad day. I think reflecting upon why I happened to have such a bad day on the same day I posted about success, I realized it was because I was confronted with the idea of being successful without my parents. I’m currently not on speaking terms with them, and though I’m not sure when that will change, it had never occurred to me that there was a possibility that I could live my best life without them. I always thought if they weren’t around, it was because they had risen to the Great Beyond, not because they were still alive and we had beef. I always imagined them to be a part of my success story in some way because they have made it possible for me to be here today.
This ties in with our forgiveness work, Q. We can have them along for the ride energetically without being on speaking terms with them in the daily. 🙂
Re: having a bad day and having that taint the lens a bit, I recommend you use the Mood Meter app — and use it like hourly at first. I used this a lot at the beginning of my mind-body healing journey and I soon realized that if I had to report in to my doctor about my symptoms, I would always report WAY DARKER ACCOUNTS of the whole past week if I had most recently checked in DARK in my Mood Meter.
But if I had most recently checked in LIGHTER, what do you know?!? The weekly account would be all about how optimistic I am and how great things are going, even if I had just had a really rough night of symptoms!
Cancers. We do this. We feel the feeling of NOW and that’s the lens we see through for all things, all people, always ’til something else shifts us enough to put us in water of a different temperature (or we SLOWLY do the crawl over there for ourselves) and then it’s as if we were never over there feeling poopy.
Same with food. We’re either starving to death or forgetting that we ever had hunger in life, ever. And if we’re starving to death, we’re certain we’ve never eaten and do not know what it’s like to have been fed.
😉 Ain’t it fun?
The Mood Meter helped me. Try it out for a while!
The good news is, Q–Meryl Streep is a Cancer. So she feels all these and rocks it gracefully anyway. 😉 Our crabby patron saint!
Mother Meryl! Lead us to your divine grace, so that I, too, may be all that is glorious and Meryl.
^ I tried to make it sound like a prayer, but I’ve never gone to Catholic school or church, teehee.
I have been keeping track of my mood via the Mood Meter, and I will say one of the really cool things I’ve learned is that I FEEL A LOT, which I knew, but it’s so cool to see HOW MUCH I FEEL!! It’s like WAOW!!! I knew I felt a lot, but this is nuanced shit!
Can we talk about success and the expectation that comes after it? I think some of my low energy this month came from that as well. Like, end of August, I had a BUNCH of exciting auditions, which very much excited me, and I was pleased with my work because I had put in the work, done what I had wanted to do, and had booked the room. And THEN, my brain sneakily told myself that now that I had all these auditions, I had to see a marked improvement in my acting, which is so dumb.
Like, if enoughness is the middle of a seesaw, we can’t let it dip too low, but we can’t let it dip too high either because we’re tricking ourselves into thinking it’s a high when in actuality, when it’s tipped to one side, that’s not good because that ish isn’t balanced!
^ does this make sense, or am I lumping things?
I won’t be able to make tomorrow’s call because of class, but I can’t wait to catch up!
I think the distinction is not so much a teeter-totter, although that can work if it’s what makes sense for you! It’s more of when enoughness goes from a high self-esteem/low ego thing and becomes high self-esteem/HIGH ego. When that’s the situation, you’re actually swinging back DOWN in enoughness but don’t realize it because your self-esteem is still high. It’s only when something comes to put your ego in check that you take what you think is an enoughness hit… actually the enoughness had already dipped but you missed it because you got more focused on ego than higher self.
I can talk about this a bit more on the Zoom so you have it to hear in the replay. 😉
YES! This is it! Thank you for articulating this. Playing the replay now [:
Omg omg omg your story resonates with me SO much!! Success being secretive because it’s not safe to go public with it? This is why I’m disassociated constantly during a huge success I’m going through right now. Wild. Thank you!!
I’ve been experiencing the success conundrum since March. I booked a pilot. I got acknowledgement. Had a great shoot, loved the people – just like a dream family. Then waiting, putting out all positive vibes that it would be picked up. Voila, it was! Then the wait for them to book me for an episode. Crickets. I keep posting trailers, tweeting, all the while fearing my character won’t see the light of day again. Then the call comes. And gets cancelled an hour later. The deflation was……ick. So when the booking for an episode finally came, it was…..okay. I was just worn out. The hopeful part of me was just SO tired! As though I alone had been the good will support for the entire enterprise. So tied into the success fear is this weird exaggerated sense of my thinking I can make the world spin backwards and sideways if I so desire. And yet the energy that I put into that physics-defying act is exhausting.
So success — I want to enjoy. But family stuff says I have to work harder than anyone else, and then don’t brag, that isn’t nice, and no one will like it about you either.
the truth is that success and what I expect it to be is unhealthily tied to my self-worth, and I think that is where the fear lies. Because my path was so different from my family’s choices, I’ve felt on my own. And think that I have to prove it double-fold to get the acknowledgement from them (which is impossible since mom and dad aren’t on the planet any more). And maybe triple-fold to get it from the industry because oh my god the odds of it all.
I am blurting out my deepest, darkest here because I don’t want them inside me any more. I want to revel in my success without having to put on false modesty, and also know that each day will contain from its successes and failures – and I mean failure in the human sense, the just pick yourself up again and JFDI.
And the deep, deep tangle of success with expectations……that will be journaled about quite a bit. But for today, I drag these bugaboos into the light so I can clean my inner house of them. To enjoy them, to feel the community effort of the success, and celebrate. And happily keep reaching for more.
Yaaasssssss! Better OUT than IN, baby. And it’s a lot like that Marie Kondo stuff with how horrific the place looks while the work is happening. Get it all out where you can see it, deal with it, assess it properly (vs. how big it feels when kept quiet), and then begin the healing act of sending that energy AWAY. It no longer serves you. Yes!
Definitely, when our self-worth is sooooooo tied up in success, it’s also tied up in failure. So, I love looking at the fact that you’ve chosen a completely different road from your fam — thereby not having to work twice as hard or even half as hard. In fact, because you’ve gone such a different route, who says HARD WORK is even part of the equation? And maybe the reason it’s frustrating to you is because you’ve chosen this totally different path AND THEN you’re applying THEIR rules of hard work to it. Um… why?
Your path? Your rules.
Try mantra-ing that a bit as you journal to discover what else feels like it needs saying. Try some EFT (tapping) with the refrain “Success can be easy. It’s safe for me to succeed easily. And brag about it. To everyone,” or whatever prompts would help you bring down the emotional charge on all of this. Yeah? Give it a shot!
So proud of you now and always! And NOT because of your hard work or your reluctance to brag. Nope. Neither of those things is a factor AT ALL.
Thanks, Bonnie. I somehow manifested the universe to not send me ANY of the EC comments! How’s THAT for sabotage!!!!
It has given me lots of time to ponder. And that’s what the summer was all about anyway. Looking at how I have done things, how I judge what is success and “what is not”.
And actually I am seeing what part of the work actually IS the work! I love auditions – that’s solved. I have even learned to breathe a little and seek out the support of friends when I think I am being personally ignored and not getting auditions – which are not the work.
I have actually made a decision – maybe it is really a game for myself. I am going to up my preparation in terms of my hair, makeup and clothes for my auditions. Not all costumes or anything, but really pay attention to the details just as I do the mental creation of the character. I was going to say that it was to show what a pro I am, but it is actually for ME. I enjoy putting the whole thing together. And it’s not that much more work. I enjoy it.
As for the interconnectedness of all our EC subjects – WOW. This success in the business month is really highlighting what I need to focus on. And it’s not about any of the outward stuff. It is completely the inner life, of Kondo-ing out all the old, last-tier ideas and functioning totally on the next tier – and further tiers — so I am able to say “Oh yeah, this place” when I do arrive. How fabulous to have a way to pre-pave all of that so I can really revel in the accomplishment while feeling at home there. Brave new worlds. Really making my own path, on my own terms. Some days are better than others. but even the bad days are better and not just the same old shit.
For SURE on the dressing up being for YOU and not so much going in costume. Absolutely, as we know from our craft training, sometimes outside-in IS the way to unlocking massive breakthroughs about the characters we embody. So why not give ourselves that edge even in an audition setting? If it’s fun to play dress-up AND it helps with the overall feeling of the experience, OMG, do it! Yes!
Love the work you continue to do, Deb, notifications enabled or not! 🙂 Glad you checked in and shared more of your process. It’s really lovely and so are you! XO
Freaking LOVED the Annie Potts scene from Pretty In Pink, Bon. CLASSIC and so fitting. 🙂
Enjoyed the Woo Woo Wednesday and the caution for us Aries not to start new things during a full moon no matter how tempting. 🙂
I’m actually enjoying the slowdown of the Void Moon. August was so freakin busy for me until the last week, and now I’m coasting on the last of the vacation vibes.
Now onto the Success homework. I can tell I’m idling at the showcase level because it’s what I know and I feel like I fell somehow, because earlier this year I made the leap to working with people who worked on Broadway, and I felt like I belonged! But I’ve also been working on healing my gut, and that has taken longer than I thought. It’s been 10 months. But I realize that my body is REALLY giving me signs of what it needs and part of the healing process requires a slow-down.
So success for me is also feeling healthy.
Gotta journal more about this.
Oh man, success is SO about feeling healthy for me too, girl! YES!
HAH. I’m just over here watching the universe cackle because of COURSE this is the month I finally decide to check in on again after MONTHS of being absent and just not feeling capable of integrating this immensely beneficial program into my already busy life. COOL COOL COOL hahaha
I really have to sit to think of these fears, cuz off the top of my head I tend to not be sure I have them (I know I have them but things LOVE hiding in my subconscious) What I’ve noticed so far are more societal than personal.
– the classic “it’s really difficult to be an actor” “what’s your backup”
– societies obsession with the story of it impossible to be successful as an actor and have true love that doesn’t fall apart under the scrutiny of media
– I’m also noticing a fear (un safety?) over not ever being able to pay my parents back for all their help//being partially dependent on them my whole life
– Not being good enough… I always thought it was a fear I needed to get over, but maybe it’s in this category of feeling unsafe? Most of my life I felt ignored by teachers/mentors. I rarely had adults outside of my parents tell me I was anything special at this. I didn’t get leads, I didn’t win Drama Club positions of power, I didn’t get into fancy colleges with good theatre programs. It’s as if I’ve always been told “No” or worse, “Meh”. I’ve always used it to drive me forward more in an “I’ll show you!” kind of way but now I’m interested to see how it works into this new unsafe idea.
so yup. that’s where I’m at haha
Excited to see where you land with this, as you ask your body for signals that what it’s reacting to is something unsafe vs. just a fear! Glad you’re here, Daye! 🙂
Okay, I’m fucking ready to be a part of this. There was so much to absorb here ~ and it really resonates.
“There’s a part of our brains that KNOWS we will die if we’re ostracized,”
“Why would we stop ourselves from feeling good? Because we didn’t think we deserved to feel good,”
“Did I mention that if we feel unsafe, we’ll sabotage our success, no matter how much we’ve always said we wanted it,”
I’ve been feeling incredibly awesome, focused and determined the last two weeks. I’ve been living each day with intention and feel myself manifesting thanks to guided meditations and scripting. Instead of feeling lost and confused, I *finally* feel like I’m creating my path!
AND I feel this way when I’m home. When I’m rocking it out in my creative space. Alone. I feel aligned and confident. Then I go outside. I’m met with conditions. And I feel shaky. I feel “unsafe.”
I feel “unsafe” just being. I find myself feeling anxious/scared to connect with people. I feel scared even making EYE CONTACT with people. “Oh no, I looked at someone. What are they thinking? Are they thinking that I’m thinking something negative about them? Better look away. Don’t look away too fast, then it’ll look like you’re ignoring them! Acknowledge and see them. But don’t stare. Don’t linger. Don’t make them feel uncomfortable.”
I feel “unsafe” trying to connect with these strangers, acquaintances. Being scared that I might poke some baggage they might have. “They don’t want to say hi to you. Their life is probably harder than yours. It’s a privilege to be so happy. Tone it down. Only dumb people are happy because they’re oblivious to everything going on. You don’t understand. You can’t connect with anyone. You don’t deserve it. You should feel insecure. You should feel uncomfortable. You’re probably gonna do or say something that makes them feel a kind of way,”
Embracing the tears because I’m so scared I’m gonna say or do something that offends/makes someone uncomfortable.
When a certain group of my friends bond through gossip, I’m scared of making them uncomfortable by focusing on what’s awesome happening in our lives. Scared of making someone feel uncomfortable by embracing my fatness and wearing crop tops. Scared of exploiting someone’s insecurities by being confident.
I’m scared I’m unable to connect with people . . . just . . . And even though *NONE* of this has actually happened, and (now I’m scared of sounding arrogant) my friends have told me I’m a great listener and that they appreciate me “finding the bright side,” I’m still scared.
Scared trying to connect with strangers. And I feel ashamed. I used to *never* have these fears. And when I’m with people, like a friend or my love, I feel confident to engage and be goofy with people ~ but when it’s just me, like, shopping for groceries or buying makeup at ULTA or being the newbie at an improv troupe, whatever . . . I feel so insecure about trying to connect with people. So scared that they don’t want to receive my presence.
And it’s not their obligation to! I know they don’t owe me anything. But I want to be a positive energy to give them a jolt of happiness. Especially with all the shit happening. Maybe I’m fucking selfish for this, maybe it somehow validates me to know I’m making other people happy . . .
I feel so unsafe being perceived a certain way, any way, that I’m scared I’m accidentally making it so.
“Ooo, I want to talk to them! No, don’t. They don’t know you. Don’t be weird. Don’t even look at them. You’ll make them uncomfortable. Okay, but *do* look at them so you acknowledge them and they don’t feel ignored and like you’re being snooty. OKAY BUT DON’T STARE. Don’t come off as unapproachable and guarded, but don’t make the first move because they might be insecure and guarded —” AAAAAAAH.
This is good. This is . . . good . . . Ugggh, I didn’t realize my enoughness wasn’t as high as I thought it was.
Isn’t it wonderful to feel as though our enoughness is SO SOLID and then find a place (or places) where it’s… not?
I’m totally serious! Because the fact that we can feel that wobble early is a wonderful indicator of some fortifying we need to do and we can take some baby steps to feel safer and safer, less wobbly and less wobbly… because we got this early-warning-sign style experience! No need to have the wind knocked out of us or to have a massive FALL from something so wonderful and successful in our lives!
These early signals are exactly why we do this work — so we can get out ahead of “problems” before they become catastrophic in our lives.
Well done, Millie! Such good work already!
I have started thinking about my relationship with my family and success. I don’t think that my conscious brain would ever answer that “I will die” if I tried to get to the root. But, does my unconscious believe that I will die if I am cut off?
I am remembering when I did my very first pageant and I was blessed with a win. My sister was also in the pageant and came in 3rd runner up with 4 contestants in her age category. (Who does that? Actually give enough awards so you know who is last for 10 yr olds?!?). I couldn’t really celebrate my son because I was so worried that it was rubbing her nose in it. And she still feels the sting of that contest.
And, even now, my survival job is as an Uber driver. When I am parked beside my brother or sister (also drivers), I leave my app off so they can get the first ride. I stop my own success or i don’t talk about it because my siblings get so down in the dumps if they haven’t had as good of a run that day. Even though I celebrate with them when they are having a good day – even when I’m not. And, I always downplay my slower days So I don’t dampen their enthusiasm.
So, I am seeing the patterns. I still don’t know if it is feeling unsafe or just overly empathetic? It feels ridiculous when I type it out.
I do think that I feel unsafe at the idea of sharing my opinions. Always afraid that I will say something dumb and become a target of the new viral bully machine. That definitely feels unsafe. Or, maybe that is just fear? Because I can press through and do it. (Although at the first sign of a pushback, I often delete my post/comment/etc…..)
I don’t think I understand how to get to the root of what causes the feeling of being unsafe. And, how to heal the root?
Yep! The feeling of “I will die” is what your primal brain believes because if you isolate from the tribe, family, class, root, peer group, etc., you are all alone and from an evolutionary perspective that means imminent death. That you force your prosperity to suffer even with Uber so your family can thrive is a way of making sure your FAMILY survives too… because if THEY died, you’d be alone and you would die.
Again, this is all primal brain shit, so it’s not a conscious fear you actually carry around. And usually we’ve created rationalizations for these beliefs and their behaviors because they’re so prevalent in our lives… so it gets really hair-splitty and that’s why I ask you to really feel where this shows up in your BODY while you’re tracking these patterns.
The how to HEAL the root comes after you’ve gotten clear on getting TO the root, which it seems from your comments you’re still at the start of, so have patience on the healing part. It’s never a quick fix, although it can be a quick realization which then leads to work that makes the fix come sooner than it might feel like it could before that realization. 😉
Keep tracking the patterns, do some journaling on this, and also check in with your body about where it’s holding any stress as you chew on these topics. That’s trying to tell you something.
Bonnie, you help shine a light in such a perfect way! Once I identify where I feel tension, how can I figure out what the body placement means?
Anytime I think through these situations, it’s always in my breast bone area. It just feels super tight, like my skin is too small to cover that bone.
That’s where I always feel the discomfort when it comes to any situation where I don’t feel comfortable or accepted.
There are some resources in the orientation days and welcome page of this course, especially the Louise Hay work! I use her guides to track which body parts mean what thing, but oftentimes, if I’m quiet enough, my body will TELL ME. 🙂 It just takes patience and time. I’m excited to see how this plays out as you open up to it more!
Ack! How did I miss that? I swear, I went through all the orientation stuff. Lol. I think I need to go back again. Thank you for the reminder!! Headed there now!
Hi Dawn, Thx for posting about your relationship with family. Seeing this post brought up some of my thoughts about enough-ness. I love my siblings to bits, being the oldest. I have always included them in my life and made space for them. Until recently when I had a phone call from a sister and she literally said things like,”I’m the yoga teacher, not you, you are living my dream, you never wanted to live in the countrysidw and now you have a studio in the country, that was my dream, you are supposed to be an actor, you are always lucky (I don’t believe in luck), you are always doing things that no-one else can live up to etc etc., I’ve never been able to forgive you for this and that etc.” Inside I know that she is struggling with some things in her life and not to take it personally but deep down I felt the root that I shouldn’t be happy, it is not safe for me to feel joy and celebrate tier jumps in my life, that I should hide and stop being so epic. For the first time I told her that it was best that when she could accept and come to terms with me living my life to the max best life possible and creating new things, that this is the way I am and live, that maybe we could chat. And I realized that I have taught my family how to treat me. That I have been the loving big sister , always here no matter what, stepping aside, making things ok. That I help others shine and desire to EFT tap this. Lol. It was a big realization and deep down I feel unsafe stepping away. So am right there processing your comment and shedding more light on where it shows up in the body!
I identify with So much of what yourself Millie. I can talk to someone randomly at the store, but I seem to lack the common ability to be part of a group – to not feel like I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth. So, I have started avoiding social events.
PS. I’m sorry I put my other post as a reply instead of its own thread. Don’t know how to delete and move it.
Decide whether avoiding all social events is the way to avoid feeling like you’ve put your foot in your mouth OR if it’s refining your picker for the types of social events you choose to attend. Better-quality people. Better-matched events. Places where your brand of weird is welcomed, not feeling foot-in-mouth-y at all. 😉 Where YOU are enough. That’s a goal I’d like you to play with. See how it feels.
Yes!!! I love this reframe. It isn’t a good fit for me to be in those situations, and so it makes sense for me to let them go.
Here’s something interesting – when I think about finding a place where I am not only accepted but a valuable part of the group, the tightness described above dissipates and instead I feel an energy swirling on either side of my chest. Instead of right in the center, it’s spread on both sides.
There are only a handful of people throughout my whole life who i felt enjoyed my company when I was being completely myself. I think part of that is my fault because somewhere along the line i started hiding my weirdness. Which is why I probably walk around afraid that it will just pop out without warning. Now I have to figure out how to let down the dam and let my dream flag fly. (I love that song in Shrek Musical so much!!)
I’m right there with you, Dawn! As social and extroverted as I seem, I too prefer one-on-one or more intimate group settings. I don’t like big group things because they can feel overwhelming. I don’t mind big group things if I’m with my pod of three or four people that I know and love, but that goes back to square one: I’ve created my own intimate setting within a larger group. So maybe that’s something you could try? Not saying to go to big events where you feel uncomfortable, but if there are social events that are a must-go (weddings, film festivals, work events, etc.), maybe finding a buddy to go with could help.
That’s a really good idea, Quincy! I am currently working towards finding some Ride or Die friends that I feel comfortable to completely be myself. :).
Hey Millie. I feel for you, gal! I have a suggestion, and you may do with it what you will. Instead of focusing on the “what should I’shouldn’t I do?” part of the equation, maybe you could focus on simply being open. I stand in your own self in receiving mode. I find that is attractive to others. And if you don’t WANT folks to be in your space and possibly interact, that you can safely put up a mental sign that says “hi, but not now”. All about your feeling safe instead of all the should. Those will bite you in the butt every single time.
I had a major aha moment when going through the homework specifically about with success/growth being a moving target. My family has a very strong held belief that self care isn’t necessary. I love my Dad, but he will eat dairy even though he is highly allergic and his face/throat swells every single time. Within the last couple of years I’ve mindfully been more aware of how certain foods/alcohol effect my body and that those items needs to be eliminated or mindfully choose to only have minimal amounts. My parents totally get dairy does not agree with me, but holy shit my extended family thought it was some imagined thing I decided to make up. It makes me appear as “other.” “He’s gone LA on us.” The aha moment for me is…some have no moving target. They just stay where they are even if it makes them ill doing so. Holy. Shit.
Fascinating, isn’t it? But this is something we talked about on today’s graduation call for the live round of the 100 days: There are MANY people who play small and stay within the rules of their tribe because being OTHER is sooooooooooo dangerous to evolutionary survival. While the food allergy thing is an extreme example, it works, because it shows how someone would rather not be identified as “gone LA on us” TOO (even though they’re not even physically in LA of course — the fact that they hear YOU get the label means they’re sensitive to the “otherness” it creates for you with the tribe) and so much so that they’ll make themselves sick (because the tribe will then care for them) rather than risk being alone but well.
There’s something in this area that really resonated with me in the mind-body healing work of my past however long it’s been now. 😉 The first rule of survival is DO NOT DIE — do whatever it takes to NOT die. Right? The second rule of survival is DO NO SELF HARM. Because, duh. If you’re harming yourself, you’re potentially making it more likely you’ll violate rule one, which is to not die.
So… think about it. When we do things that are classified as SELF HARM, there is something in our brain that is saying, “If I do NOT do this harmful thing, I MAY DIE.” Because it’s only our fear of rule number one being broken that would cause us to violate rule number two.
I think about this with regard to smoking, cutting, suicide attempts, eating disorders, continuing any truly harmful habits that we believe we want to stop doing to ourselves. We obviously believe somewhere that we’ll DIE if we don’t do those things… and then they become habitual to the point that the core reason is less the reason… but at one point it WAS the reason, which is why the earlier-life examination of where beliefs got planted is soooooooo important to healing the behaviors.
Trippy, huh?
Totally trippy. This is a huge light bulb moment for me. 🙂
Wow, that’s really powerful and very trippy. “Some have no moving target.” Dang.
Whooooooaaaaaaaa my mind is blown
I had a pretty cool breakthrough – Although it may seem minor in the surface, it is pretty huge to me.
Yesterday, as I started to sing along in the car, I realized how constricted my voice felt – how thin it was. And I thought about how people have teased me about my singing voice and how I used to love belting it out (even if it’s not singer worthy). So, I still sing but it’s quiet and like my throat is tight.
I made a conscious decision to loosen my throat and sing out. It was so freeing! Today I did the exercise again. I am regaining my voice in more ways than one. I feel a surge of “me-ness” bubbling to the surface.
I have started using the Placemat Process and that has been a very cool addition to my mornings! I have also started reading Louise Hays book, you Can Heal Your Life (it was in Kindle Unlimited!) And I am finding her work fascinating to dig deeper into as well!
This is so wonderful, Dawn! Fantastic progress already and in such big-impact ways for the long-haul. 🙂 Well done, sweetie! BELT IT OUT!
I’ve not visited this page since 9/1 when I read the ‘lesson’ and my resistance has had me skip to the bottom without reading/commenting. Part of the resistance is believing if I don’t sit here now and type it and get it out, I won’t do it. Part is the fear of reading others’ stories and turning their positive fuel into my self-flagellation. I am in the middle of the ‘knowing’ where I mentally know and understand what needs to happen/be done, etc. but still far from having the truth ‘in my bones’.
I spent the month of July in a Shakespearean Intensive course with the Prague Shakespeare festival. The experience was profound and as I reminisce, I’m reminded of the year I spent studying Shakespeare in London when I was 20.
The pattern seems to be: I work hard for several years at a thrival job that I *don’t* hate, one that I’m very good at, and one where my efforts & talents are valued. I enjoy the financial fruits, including travel and building a savings. I then get a wild hare to take a big trip and/or delve into the arts in a ‘leap before you look’ sort of endeavor, and in the process, my thrival job goes away and my life takes fantastic, unexpected, twists & turns.
This seems like a good pattern. I feel it should be encouraging to see the positives in the above description. But…
Is it scarier because I’m 40 instead of 20 this time?
Am I more aware of the pitfalls?
Part of what runs through my mind as I consider the upcoming conversation with my current boss is –
Will I do something better this time? Will I make the choices & take the steps to break the pattern and live fully committed to a happy, prosperous, fulfilling life as a creative, the way I *say* I want to? or will I just sit in front of the TV and zone out until my savings account dwindles to the point where I have to take another “it’s not really bad” thrival job to pay the rent/mortgage, and reset the pattern for my next 9-year cycle. (Knowing I’m in a 2 year is somewhat comforting in that this struggle is somewhat ‘expected’, but the feelings are super strong and tapping/aromatherapy/acupuncture/massage feel less effective than they have at other times.)
Well – I wrote it. i’m gonna give myself kudos for that at least.
I’m also going to sign off *knowing* that this community will flood me with the love, support, encouragement, and practical actions that my inner voice has been trying to provide to me. I promise I’ll listen to the best of my ability.
Hey, that’s a good promise and sometimes that’s the best we can do: know others will buoy us up when we’re unwilling to get into a better-feeling place about it on our own. Have you been listening to Abraham-Hicks about this at all? I wonder if that might be a nice compliment to your other awesome self-care recipe.
What I love about our lives as artists is that we can get it wrong and still come back. We can get it right and still blow it all up and still come back. Life is especially forgiving when we’re creatives and have already rejected the “normal” life so many others have. So, at least there’s that.
Looking forward to digging in on this with you as you continue to let the month’s work soften you about it all. The judgment you’re carrying around on this doesn’t feel like it’s even yours (at least from here). Whom are you disappointing if things go sideways? And why is that scary to you at 40?
Love you, Kimberly. You’ve got this!
I actually listened to an Abraham-Hicks the following morning. It was about how we frequently lower our desires to match our beliefs, rather than allow our beliefs to increase and meet our desires. Definitely food for thought and shifted *something*.
The past couple of days I’m feeling more calm about my growth & pending changes.
In terms of who’s judgement it is, I do think it’s mine more than anyone else’s and disappointing myself is the fear. It goes back to my previous ‘crutch’ of “If I don’t try too hard at something, it won’t be my fault when I fail”. If I go *all in* and still don’t make it to my goals, I tend to blame myself/distrust myself/judge myself.
A current project for me is re-adjusting my relationship with failure…so I can have a better relationship with success!
Recommended reading: “What if I suck?”
Oh… and next month’s topic, of course: “Your Relationship with Failure”. Gotcha covered, gorgeous!
Oooooh A Shakespearean Intensive in Prague! That sounds divine! And romantic! This is how we grow no matter at what age. I turn 46 today and I’m all in! I’m in a pole class where I am by far the oldest by 10 years. Something to celebrate! Well done sharing and posting!
Happy birthday, glorious Bex! Hope your new year is off to a fabulous start!
Happy belated!
Whoooaaaa this unit is so deeply tied to money mindset for me. Time to review that month’s work! Success is just like money for me: the enoughness work is even more critical after I have it. I’m working on building “enoughness armor”; I’ve noticed that for the most part I’m fine and I’m aligned at this point, but all it takes is one trigger for my brain to want to try to spiral about not being worthy. The work is in recognizing that and making space for it and slowly undoing the knots. Because of COURSE I am worthy. We all are worthy. Money and success are made up concepts that were invented by the modern world. They didn’t exist at the start of creation. And now that I’m suddenly having more money and success than ever before, my brain is more sensitive to potential pitfalls. I’m excited to continue the work I’m doing. I’m excited to heal my enoughness scars, detangle knots and fortify my armor. I’m proud of my scars but they don’t get to drive the car.
That’s beautiful, Sheila. Because our scars of course come with us wherever we go… but to not let them be in charge, that’s the key. Nice work, hon. So proud of you for ALL the reasons. Awareness of this inherent feeling of “unsafety” is part of what soothes it. 🙂 We’ll do more in our group session this week, of course. XO and congrats on all the success! Yay, growth!
I’m going to say something here that might be confrontational. Just note that it’s coming from a place of love and respect.
You say, “…all it takes is one trigger for my brain to want to try to spiral about not being worthy…”
And then you go on.
But I’d like to take a moment to ask you to explore the idea that “worthy” is a terrible word that needs to leave your figuring. It’s not about worthy. “Worthy” is another word for “Deserve” which is possibly the worst word in all of existence.
Let me set this straight in your head… YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!
“Worth” has nothing to do with anything. We don’t succeed because we’re worthy. We don’t fail because we’re unworthy. Worth is some other motherfucker’s assessment of what they’ve perceived of you, and it has exactly zero value.
You succeed and fail because you DO, because you put shit out there, because you produce.
Seriously… ponder the post you wrote in the light of “worth” and “worthy” having no power or value in your life. If you can say “fuck it” to the concept of being worthy, think about how much energy you’d have to do more things. If you could thing about striving for things not to show/prove your “worth” but instead because it’s just what any given Sheila Houlahan would be doing… If notions of “worth” couldn’t spiral you out, think about how much energy you’d have for actually useful things.
“Worth” and “worthy” have no value anymore.
You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone… especially yourself.
This is a toughie because I think there’s a lot of talk of self-worth or knowing your value, etc. It’s kind of a mind fuck because if I accept that “I’m not worthy,” that also means I’m not unworthy, and this fight for worthy vs. unworthy disappears.
So let me take it to a more zen place…
The point is to cease the struggle over “Worth,” “Worthy,” and “Unworthy.”
If you simply let the muscle for comparison and others’ expectations of you atrophy, the notion of worth, worthy, and unworthy evaporate.
Then, “knowing your value” is not a personal or interpersonal judgment. It’s merely a fact.
Dispassionately label your value. Note that Sheila’s concern is an emotional bondage thing. By removing the attachment to the emotion by taking away the power of the word “unworthy,” we short circuit the damage the emotions are seeking to do.
As such, it doesn’t really factor into the “know your value” ideas.
Perhaps there’s some conflict with Enoughness and Worthiness, and when we’re feeling low Enoughness, then those negative emotions have more power to sway us toward those darker places…
It’s interesting to ponder though.
This this this! I think the key here that I’m working on is that I personally do not identify with the concept of worth. That is someone else’s concept that was beat into me. I think what I am struggling with is a feeling of unsafety whenever that word comes up. As in, I don’t give a damn about worthiness in reality, but my fight or flight response kicks in when I hear it (or vice versa) because I’ve learned to associate it with pain and lack of care.
This is a huge eye opener for me, and I’m going to make space for the above realization. Your words helped me see that.
thank you for the woo-woo wednesday void moon mappings! i love looking at these and ah-hah! today for example: i was having a damn hard time getting to some $-stuff and low and behold it’s a VM going into taurus day. whew. i’ll save it for later this week.
what do you suggest, though, if we need to do something that is contrary to the energy of the day? for example, i happen to know that marc will be both teaching and also interviewing for a new position on the monday the VM is going into leo. or, what if i get an audition that day?
i know you’ve said this before in terms of knowing & understanding the energy surrounding us, but is there anything more that may help our intentions on a day that might better be served if we did not have to participate (but we have to anyway)?
thank you for your thoughts!
also. i cannot seem to deduce what is “GSD energy.” i presume it’s not German Shepard Dog or Good Solar Dance or Gifted Sun Day.
forgive me.
& thank you for letting me know!☺️
Get Shit Done! <3
oh my goodness! thank you, Jen!! i’ve got it now. GSD & JFDI. bam!
love you!☺️
(Though, I’d personally vote for Gifted Sun Day.)
☺️☺️☺️
For something like that, I’d trust that since the timing is out of my control, there’s something being softened by the void moon (not necessarily the impact my audition will have). Seeing a void moon as a “softening” of the moon’s energy for that sign rather than as a full-on MUTING of it is helpful in these situations.
What I am going to say is something I have heard many many times, and I’ve even thought “Well, of course, I’ve got that.” Turns out I haven’t. And our success in the business month is highlighting it.
I have learned and generally honor that there is no “way” that will get me to my goals in this business. I know everyone has their own path. I know that there is no definitive “if this, then that”. I know that just about everything that I love, hate, despise, long for, desire, anticipate — is all about me. About where I am on my journey. That all these ideas are things “I” have made up.
But I really didn’t get it, down to my bottom chakra, until this month.
Every joy? Because I see it as joy.
Every disappointment? Yup, that’s my concept too.
No matter what happens in the business, I ALWAYS have choice about how to feel about it, how to “interpret” what it means, to decide if it is good or bad for my career and goals.
ME. It’s all ME who decides and chooses all those things. I spent so much of my youth being told what to do, when to do it, why to do it, and what the reward would be. Imagine – that was mostly BULLSHIT. It was SOMEONE ELSE’S IDEAS.
I’m in charge of my own life now, I’m not that kid. I DECIDE.
Just……..wow.
I don’t think I had really absorbed that before, down to my core.
Easier metaphor I can use to explain it is a food metaphor. Which makes me happy! Because I know it to be true: if you want BBQ chicken to really taste like BBQ chicken down to the bone, then you have got to use the BBQ sauce all the way through the prep and cooking process. It is NOT the same as cooking the chicken and then pouring store bought BBQ sauce on top. Nope, never is, never will be.
So I am doing the work down to the bone. Is it slower? Sometimes. Is it frustrating? Sometimes. Does it let me throw off all those “do it our way” shackles? You bet your BBQ chicken, honey.
This work is the forever work. And I don’t mind that one single bit.
xoxoxo
Yes it is forever work! There was a time where I felt like in my personal community offline I was the only one doing the work. I kept all woowoo etc. to myself. I just kept showing up to the work. Doing so, my life has continued to grow, expand, in so many ways, from material to experiences that I at one time was a skeptic of them coming my way. So forever showing up for yourself is magical!
Yaaaaaasssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!
I’m gonna feel this out, because there’s so much at work here.
My life never really felt safe after I was 6 or 7, and that’s mostly where my big memories start. Other than that, a fuzzy, warm feeling of smallness and love. Being a small child, but also being in a small family unit–just me and my parents. Being in a small town. Relatively small extended family. Everything small. To me, the ’80s were safe (gee, wonder why I go back so rabidly in my own writing and tonality).
But once I hit school–and my relationship with my parents took a hard left turn–I was quickly judged as too much. I was too inquisitive, too rebellious, too weird, too friendly, too smart, too alien, too much. And there was something inside me that, while I was *miserable* and so fucking isolated, knew that there was a reason I was born this way. So I couldn’t change, not really–I tried to fit in, but of course it didn’t work. Giving in and becoming part of the tribe wasn’t an option for me.
My audacity of striving was, yes, definitely audacious–not only is it audacious to want more, but a weirdo like her? A loser like her? The loner fat kid? On what planet “do you deserve” success like that?
Does it make it easier to fly in the face of all that garbage when I was never able to play the game anyway? As I chew on all this, it makes me grateful for my Rebel superpowers. Being a Rebel is like a gasping breath of air when I’m underwater with all those Cancerian feelings–wanting to placate, please, make others comfortable, dim my own light in order to make another happy. The Rebel is the muscle I’m so grateful to build. I love being a Cancer, I love all the high-vibe shit we embody, but I have spent my whole life silencing myself for others’ benefit. (Janet, everything you wrote resonates with me 100%.)
I spent a lot of June, July, and August–expectations and time and forgiveness!–working through some big, unsaid stuff, trying to honor and heal my voice where it had been so stifled and so punished for wanting to speak my heart. Lay a boundary. Stand up for myself. Speak my deep truth, no matter how vulnerable. And yeah–all the times I really wished I could tell someone to fuck off, but THAT felt unsafe. It was all so, so unsafe at the time. The stakes felt enormous.
I spent this whole summer having deep, internal, one-way dialogues. It couldn’t have been more safe–it was imaginary, for my own healing. It helped me really reduce the charge on some very painful old memories and relationships, ones whose power had been conflated with how much time/dread/sadness they’ve brought me in the intervening years (fun!). It’s my 9 year, y’all! Get the fuck out of my attic! XD
The friendships thing for me is heartbreaking and really, really hard. I only really started HAVING friends in high school, when I was in a much larger, more diverse pool of kids than the 28 jerks I grew up with. So when, all of a sudden, people liked me? Even just some of them? Ohmygod, friends were my *favorite.* I made collages of them, spent every waking moment with them, kept every single note I ever exchanged with my BFF (thank you, Cancer instincts). I absolutely calibrated my instincts and feelings according to what made them happy; I didn’t tell people I loved them because I was afraid it would change things. I didn’t tell people to fuck off because I didn’t want them angry. I shut up–hard–but I was happy. I felt more loved than I had in a long, long time, and I couldn’t imperil that. Because… I would die.
I’m STILL working on all that shit I didn’t say 20 years ago. Because my enoughness isn’t about how they receive me. It’s about how I receive myself.
In college, I met even more people whom I was happy to play small for because Friendship Is Sacrifice! Only these guys were perhaps even worse, because they were vicious theatre majors–and even the people who most used me in high school weren’t terribly competitive. The most vicious ones–the ones I tried to keep close and fix, because Cancer Love Heals Everyone–loved that I played small, and they loved how unlikely it was that the fat, funny girl would have a career worth anything. It was so SAFE for them to be my friends, because they were so fully unintimidated by me.
Welp.
As time went on, they showed their snaky selves even more. The shitty behavior stopped going on behind my back and started happening right to my face. The friends from college turned out to be bogus, opportunistic, jealous snakes. Some of my closest friends from high school found a way to turn away from me at a few major life tier-junctures, even when I was younger, before my career. And then, there have been times as an adult where I need to cut something off–without all the nostalgia–because I can read the writing on the wall.
The friendship stuff has been really PAINFUL. Not necessarily because it feels like I’m the bad one, although I’m sure there’s that to a degree. It’s more the feeling of: Ugh. Why is my friendship picker so damn bad?
Why did I ever trust these people? They showed me who they were from jump, in some way or another–so why did I do this to myself?
I’ve shed SO MANY, and while it doesn’t feel like a mistake–they really were good sheds–it makes me scared and lonely. That my picker is so bad. That someday I’ll never have a way to fondly remember my hometown or my high school or college, because everyone left me. I *want* the positive nostalgia; I *want* to be able to look on those memories and think, “Huh, wonder where ___ is now.”
But I know where they are. Because I’m not normal, I’m a fucking weirdo alien (I mean that in a good way) who’s meant to change the world, and with that sometimes comes that you don’t get the twee, charming interpersonal dynamics that all your friends from home get.
And–where it feels unsafe–is… Gosh, I survived all of those losses, and they were huge. I would die if I ever lost Andrew. What if he makes the same decision? What if he decides that I’m not worth it? It feels like a lie, but… that’s what makes me feel most unsafe. And to that end, being a woman on the internet, who has radical opinions, for whom mystique is NOWHERE on my Fascinate chart, who says a lot of provocative stuff very visibly.
Who owns a house in the middle of nowhere, because she’s a weirdo alien.
Who wants her family to be safe in a world of doxxing and horrible fucking men who want to shut radical women up. In a world where my body is fetishized, and my DMs are a torrent of lewd shit. In a world where my sweet husband and I live outside a gated palace, where I shop at my Target and walk my neighborhood all the time.
I don’t have the luxury of invisibility–and I never have, not really, but there are some ways in which I’ve chosen to not. And it’s always been unsafe, but when it could imperil Andrew, or my mom–it’s like that makes it even worse.
My friend who was just SWATted–who is a Black woman with Black boys at home–could have been killed by trigger-happy police because white supremacists wanted to shut her up. They doxxed her and thank GOD Seattle has the only anti-swatting initiative *nationwide,* so she was able to give them a heads-up before they murdered her son. I just–and I know that for every terrible, unsafe thing that happens, there are a million that don’t. But I struggle with how to make being a loud, radical minority feel safe in this place and time.
Hi Jen, It is my 9 year as well. To your last line…3 words…radical self acceptance! Been working on this all year! Looking forward to year 1 where all the goods of those 3 words come in to fruition.
I’ve mantra-d the heck out of this!
radical self acceptance — yaaaaaas!
oh my, Jen! i hear you! what you describe in this last paragraph is the unsafe part i feel, too!
in fact, so much of what everyone writes is an echo: “standing out,” “audacity,” “you’re too much,” “the Other.”
i actually think the Other/our Otherness that places us in an unsafe public place is getting down to the bone of it here (thank you, Deb!).
please forgive me as i conjure-up my scholarship and share a quote from a scholar and teacher whom i truly admire and who’s work impacts my life. my quote is a little bit jargon-filled, but i’ll unpack in a moment. this is from Peggy Phelan’s MOURNING SEX: PERFORMING PUBLIC MEMORIES (page 16):
“Queers are queer because we recognize that we have survived our own deaths. The Law of the Social has already repudiated us, spit us out, banished us, jailed us, and otherwise quarantined us from the cultural imagination it is so anxious to keep clean, pristine, well guarded. But, as Foucault has so convincingly demonstrated, those on the margins become the focal point for the center’s self-definition and thus cannot ever be entirely eliminated. Queers ghost the cultural imagination and thereby foster the illusion that reality is non-phantasmatic, that death is what happens later and never now. Queers who survive the death accorded them by the Law of the Social and go on to create another life, dream continually of another social space, one we help bring into being by reciting those dreams out loud.”
each of us in this community are in various ways, surviving our own deaths in the social (as Bonnie describes with the tribe). i think what happens each time we produce art, is that we have the audacity to create an alternate space which includes the Other (us, our queer selves, peers, the disenfranchised) soaring in that space. and that’s something that spits in the face of much of our culture and/or conditioning that taught us which space is unsafe, even though they need us here to show them what the “norm” is.
my primary unsafe space (as it pertains to success): the smack down for striving for what i want. it was the space i knew growing up in north carolina. my otherness: a woman, lebanese, catholic in the bible belt. how dare i “have it all” so-to-speak? so i got the smack down from all sides and it has scarred me, like similar situations have for so many of us, because my body doesn’t want to go through that depression/death like space again.
and here’s the thing: it’s real. i escaped to this fabulous bubble in nyc, but was recently in nc and holy fuck! the unsafe spaces marc and i experienced! marc almost got hit in the face by a jackass who wanted to know why a “german” (aka jew) was out listening to blue grass music. and i was almost run over by a man in a parking lot who shouted at me for daring to walk in front of him. i’m not kidding folks. it shook me. i know the prejudice exists (and i’ve felt the effects of that), but i don’t remember it being quite so blatant in the past – !
i’m not entirely sure how to navigate all of this and remind myself that WE DO SURVIVE and not only that, WE CAN STRIVE & SUCCEED without the backtrack/ULP issues. i think some of this may go back to last month & forgiveness. i have found that i’m much lighter now having processed much of the forgiveness. but for me — the big stuff — is easier to navigate and forgive than the “little stuff” from folks i don’t even know. those are the people who scare the fuck out of me or make me boil, and i’ve not found a way to call that moment into consciousness and forgive easily. but maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with creating a safe space…
i’ll miss the call tomorrow, but look forward to hearing y’all’s thoughts!
I love every stitch of this and wanted to single out this in particular, Z:
For SURE one of the reasons we chose the HOME of art, performance, storytelling is that it’s possibly the first place we truly felt HOME (perhaps the ONLY place we fully felt HOME) and not “other” in our lives. In fact, our tribe of storytellers not only allows “other,” it celebrates it. Honors it. Amplifies it.
That is the fucking definition of audacity at some level, isn’t it?
Love you so. This is beautiful!
Hey, girl! I keep all my BFF notes too!!!!
Just wanted to say that I had the same problem with having a bad picker, but it was with boyfriends. I would see the red flags and be like NOPE instead of paying attention to them. When it comes to making friends, however, if I see a red flag on a person, I run away fast and hard. I’ve been burned way too many times to ignore those. And I realized, “Wow, I am very decisive when it comes to making friends. Why am I not with boyfriends?” It was because I didn’t want to be.
I loved what you said about Cancer Love Heals Everything because without knowing it, I believed in that. I believed that My Love Would Heal Everything. But it didn’t or couldn’t because that person wasn’t ready or didn’t want to be healed or didn’t really want my love. And THAT hurt more than anything. I would say to my counselor, “WHYY DO I HAVE TO BE MORE DECISIVEEEEE,” and “These guys become my boyfriend, and whether I want to or not, I give them a Fast Pass to my heart.” And I struggled with this concept because of course I wanted to give my Chosen Love Recipient a Fast Pass, no questions asked. But I had to learn, the hard way, because how much I give to my Loved Ones, I had to be selective. I think somewhere in my head, I got it mixed up that somehow, being selective to lovers was being mean to them or that somehow I was rejecting them because I so want everyone to feel loved and seen. But I realize that it’s not about saying no to people, it’s about saying yes to me.
Hugs, girl!
THIS!
So much truth here from both of you, Jen and Constance!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts because, like you said Constance, prejudice, unfortunately, is something that has always been there. It’s something we generally dealt with and just kept going, but recently it has gotten so bad that yes, I totally agree…there IS an elevated feeling of awareness because it is so blatant and truly dangerous now.
The hatred I’ve seen and experienced is mind blowing and absolutely terrifying! And of course, success brings attention, and attention makes you a target, which brings about that feeling, not only of fearing success, but of actually feeling unsafe as well.
It’s hard to forgive people for making you feel unsafe because of what you look like! Wow. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence in 2019! But for me, I’ve HAD to forgive those people I’ve had experiences with because I don’t want to be held hostage by their crap. And it is a work in progress for sure, haha! But as Denise and Bonnie say, “Forgiveness is the ultimate decluttering.”
In addition, I’ve noticed that if I allow those experiences to torture me (because yes, those incidents play themselves back on loop in my head if I let them), then I’ve allowed them to win. And I refuse to do that! 🙂
I feel like we as creators, storytellers, and trailblazers have too much to do to allow any of our mind-space to be taken up by the lowest of lower-tier behavior (in terms of humanity) of those who have nothing better to do than spread hatred. Hope that helps some, you’re not alone! <3 <3 <3
La Trice – !
thank you for your lovely response.
i’m working on how to forgive the “smaller stuff/stupid people,” though given that many of those folks are the ones who made me feel unsafe (or who smacked me on the head for wanting to succeed!) is, i think, why i’m having a difficult time.
but i agree with you that it’s a necessary step.
it’s all so tied-up with all of these topics–expectations, forgiveness, success–isn’t it?
love you!
I’ve been processing here and in doing the work I feel like well I have nothing extremely profound to say or analyze. I could dance it out but write or communicate it…I know this is not true but believe it is extremely tap-able. So, working through radical self acceptance, I have been JFDI no matter what. Showing up and being present in my skin and bones.
Going deeper, closing my eyes, so much is in my 2nd and 3rd chakra. No wonder my kitchen and office are painted in oranges and yellows! Travelling further, all those report cards with A+, B’s, C’s for math and gym, with the only comment being “lacks confidence” over and over. I truly believed in my ponytailed head of mine I was doing great. I was awesome, and to hear that I wasn’t confident enough I never understood, and broke my little big heart. They didn’t want me in the play because I wasn’t confident enough, BUT I WANTED to be on the stage. Happy to be in whatever costume it may be. I’ve asked my aunts how and what I was like as a kid and they used the word “observant””watchful”.
Going back further, going to dinners with my parents and having to sit still in the corner chair and not talk because only adults were aloud to talk. And I would get in trouble if I deviated.
Going to do some deep diving here. I have worked through forgiveness several years on all of this so it is nothing new but have to get to the root.
Also, as to why that I don’t trust life and that it will be ok. That I am always walking a fine line. (Haven’t done the work around this yet)
This year has been also heart chakra work. Linked to my shoulder injury.
I have done almost a year of Mindful-Body Stress Reduction based on the book By Jon Kabat-Zinn so feeling well aligned in this work.
Beautiful ahah on being a birth year of 1 (so is Tom and my bestie…eeeps). Been going over this as well and gaining a understanding of why I am always starting things so strong and then letting them slide. A million great ideas and nothing completely mastered. Would love to gain insight on some ways to keep the ideas following through.
I’ve referred to the Louise-Hay book on and off for 20 years, so thx for bringing it back out of the dust (reno basement dust)
I won’t be able to join the calls this week as I had scheduled out everything before I joined the mastermind. I cannot wait to hear the replays.
And as always fabulous content! MOUAH!
Sooooooo elated to have your energy swirling around here with us, Bex. You are so beautifully enough!
Definitely eager to see how this next layer of work takes shape for you, particularly with that parenting sending you messages that ended up creating a disparity in confidence (perceived vs. felt) in non-fam situations. Glad the healing’s already happening so beautifully and hooray for more!
“See” you on the replay, darlin’! XO
Re: unsafety, I’m realizing today that I’m still processing the trauma of being a kid performer in a very abusive performing troupe for years. I carry that fear onto set with me. Today was day one of by far the most professional set I’ve ever been on. They treated me SO well. Everyone was so kind and fun and lovely. It was a dream. But somewhere in the back of my mind I kept waiting for the shoe to drop or expecting that my safety would be compromised. I was expecting to be hurt.
Until I separated past from present, I can’t ever fully feel joy in the moment on days like this, and that’s truly sad. It’s a good goal to strive for.
Just being aware that this is the detangling that needs to be done is HUGE. 🙂
I wrote a book on this one everyone, sorry. Grab snacks and hydrate! jk lol 🙂
First off…holy cow, this month’s work! I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t even finished the work from last month on forgiveness, which bleeds into this month’s work in a big way for me. And THAT is attached to the work a few months ago on expectations, good grief.
Truthfully, I’m actually terrified of really opening up about all of this here for fear of judgement, and the possibility that being open and honest may push future opportunities away, because even though people may say, “No worries, it’s fine…” You know they’re really thinking, “Here’s someone I don’t want to be around!” lol
Again, my ridiculous expectations. We’re all here for one another, so here it goes.
Alright, success and feeling scared. At least, I THINK my struggle is with feeling afraid, although, I do believe some of it stems from feeling unsafe as well. In my messed up mind success is paired with perfection, and I always feel that if I was not perfect, I was not successful, no matter how anyone else sees it. This in turn, means I obviously did not deserve whatever success I may have achieved, and eventually someone will realize that and everything will fall apart. And when I say perfect, it could be something as simple as flubbing an important line during a shoot, or not performing a scene the way I felt I should have done it. If these mistakes happen, it means my performance wasn’t perfect and I don’t deserve accolades of any kind because mistakes were made.
So when success does show up, it leads to the following progression down the rabbit hole:
I feel scared (and maybe unsafe), because success brings more opportunity
>> more opportunity = more chances to mess up, and if I’m not perfect,
people / opportunities leave
>> people leave = I’m alone
>> alone = no one to share the successes / journey with
** Trouble is, without success and its pursuit, we remain stagnant, which is
even more terrifying.
The fear of people leaving goes all the way back to my childhood and my parent’s divorce (at least, I think it does, still doing the work on this one).
There’s a little girl in there that feels like people and opportunities left because she wasn’t good enough – which makes no sense because there are so many successes and doors opening these days that it can’t possibly be true anymore. And deep down inside I know I rock at what I do, sooo…what the heck!? Cue the continuous work on forgiving myself for being imperfect. It’s a struggle, because the battle going on inside my head is SO FRIGGIN’ LOUD!
Not only that, here is where I totally resonate with a few others who’ve left comments in the chat. I’m starting to realize I don’t know HOW to be happy. Maybe because happiness doesn’t stick around in my personal environment (and definitely never did in my childhood), and / or maybe because it doesn’t feel safe. It’s like, you can’t celebrate too much because if you do you’ll tick someone off or cause something terrible to happen. You can’t get too happy and complacent. You have to stay on your toes so you’re ready for the next big storm that’s coming. And trust, it IS coming.
It is always coming.
So you can only be so happy for so long, then it’s time to start worrying again. It’s almost as if I’m comfortable in my constant state of worry, even though, as I mentioned during a previous month’s work, it is killing me. Which is silly because there seems to be no reason why we can’t enjoy the moments in-between the storms and then kick into gear when problems show up.
There’s also the elephant in the room, lol. The fact that achieving success creates an expectation in those around you for more of the same. And what if I can’t deliver?
I’ve recently been blessed to be a part of a HUGE success with the project I’ve been working on, and not only do I struggle with moments of feeling like I don’t deserve to be a part of it because my performances were not always flawless, but I’m also afraid that, because of this thing that has happened, I will become a failure if it doesn’t happen again in some fashion. I can just hear people saying, “Yeah, she thought she was all that, now she isn’t doing anything! Just disappeared off the map! I knew she was a fraud!”
These feelings were so strong I had to fight a battle with myself to even tell certain people and post on social media because I was afraid to let anyone know (which again, was silly because the rest of the team was already posting and the cat was way out of the bag anyway, lol). But as grateful and proud as I am of the accomplishment, I was scared. How messed up is that?
We work years to achieve our career goals, and when we reach them, whether as a result of something we’ve done ourselves, or as part of a team – which is a whole other conversation about “deserving it” for me, how dare we be afraid to celebrate and share these victories!? I know it’s ridiculous, which is why I finally posted on social media, but the feelings remain. I think it all comes down to an “enoughness” issue for me. Basically, am I “enough” to be successful? I always wind up back in the first few days of GIGFTNT, lol! Ooftah! Deep stuff.
i so hear you on the “it’s not successful unless i was perfect” bit!
i’ve really worked to soften that bar for myself.
for me, i find it’s largely about my ego that something i do must be perfect (as if that’s possible)–it defined that i’m deserving, that i overcame my less-than-ness, that i won over those who were not entirely on my team. (and to Quincy’s point — i found that if i picked a mate who i could convince that i was worth the choice as the one, then that meant i’m really special.)
i’m looking at my actions much more objectively now and with some proper boundaries. i don’t see myself on tape and find all of the faults; i can actually see what’s pretty damn spectacular. yes, there are plenty of hiccups, but nothing that cannot be edited, or in some cases, are actually pretty freakin’ fun!
we’re doing the work! think about it–there really are not that many folks who put this kind of work and energy into their mindset and conscious thinking.
i’m loving leaning into precisely who i am and living out loud–my essence IS SUCCESS.
everybody poops and farts.
isn’t it glorious!?!?
i’m honored to be part of the enlightened ones (who also poop & fart!).
thank you, loves!
That is beautiful Constance, thank you! You’re so right! There aren’t many people who are doing this work, and that in and of itself is an accomplishment. Great tip on perfection being about ego…so true, because perfection is pretty impossibly to achieve. So much work to do, haha! Thanks so much! <3
CALL QUESTION:
apart from all of the juicy goodness that will occur on the call today from all of these phenomenal comments, here’s a question to you, data-collector extraordinaire Bonnie:
what data have you uncovered from the folks you work with (or observe) who did not succumb to an ULP when they soar into success? what are examples of their methodologies, mindsets, self-talk, actions, that helped them navigate their over-the-moon success and kept them from bouncing out of that tier? i know Gay says it’s because they actually “feel good” and feel they deserve to “feel good” and i recognize that’s all of the work we’re doing here. so my question is more to what you may have witnessed with the folks who might inspire us with how they found their way to big success.
thank you!
smooches, y’all – !
have fun on the call & i’ll catch you on the back side!
Loling at my upper limit problems right now. Lots is happening and I completely forgot to take basic care of myself…voila, I’m sick! I think I forgot that some of this isn’t spiritual work. Some of it is eat your breakfast and sleep and take breaks because common sense, self! Gonna take the rest of today off and be gentle with myself while having a good laugh at this revelation.
Congratulations on your awesome interview Sheila! Hope you feel better soon!
100% with you on that. With all the growth in our business this week, I not only got to the point where I was getting less than 2 hours sleep a night but also not eating and at one point I realized I hadn’t bathed (like, soaked in the TUB) in ages. Dude. That shit’s legit.
Feel better, honey!
‘Dis homework though! I can’t wait to dive in; already have a new journal picked out!
“Create authentic bliss for “the little things” so you stop holding your best emotions hostage to some future that’s not written yet.” ABSOLUTE GOLD! Thanks Bonnie!!!
Love you!
i have been thinking about it all , and letting it sink in, from my first reaction to the work, with what i wrote . there was so much, and so much came up for me here, and the more i went into it the more emotional i felt …i now read all the comments again but more deeply, after the zoom call which was quite something, it was exciting to be there, i absorbed a lot and made a lot of notes. I want to write down the thoughts i had while that i had and after, and since the homework and sundays mail too, there is so much here,
Bonnie , after my last comment you said it might help me to make lists or energy producing activites and energy depleting activities,which did then. there are so many energy producing activities that i could think of, mostly to do with eating resting exercising , dancing, sleeping, and other things i like doing, plus when i get absorbed in working on things,
Energy depleting activities were things i don’t want too do really, being with people i’m to interested in, doing things i need to get done, staying too long in a conversation, being not true to myself, not sticking to my plan of what i know need to do for myself and instead being dragged lazily into something, making me behind in my schedule, hungry and tired, I still have some people i have stayed in contact with , however spasmodic, that i should not be in contact with , Not nearly as much as before and now i am starting to see things a lot clearer, , and asking myself why i have done. In some cases it feels grotesque and i know its crazy, and so obvious . Sometimes i feel i keep myself down, and let in this case, the other person climb up on me, its hard without being specific for me to write about it .certain ‘friends’
I wrote after the other day ‘ does it feel unsafe for me to just accept that she’s like that and not be asking her to respond, appropriately,’ ‘ does it feel unsafe to walk away’
I feel this is rather elementary and i should know better, but its now with all this work that i’m seeing things clearer , although i felt something was not right, for a long time.
I think it has started to change and hope different more suitable people will come into , my life.i believe they will.
Neutral activities you said to make a list too, i wasn’t sure exactly what that was , but thought it might be with some acquaintances or people in passing , where no harm was done, but i wasnt sure what else would be in that category. Certainly in my life at the moment i think there are far more energy producing activites, and i can find more and more, and am trying to do less of the energy depleting things and when i notice i am in one, to pull away more quickly, and i have been managing to.
I was a bit tired tired today and recently, not sure if it was because of blocking some emotions, or lack of sleep, or something else..
The zoom call, i have been thinking about notes i made, about the peer group, not to expect anything, to feel good, putting things up too high, and me too low,
You said to write about being and about doing,
in the past i have often thought about what doing is, and i think it seems clear..being is when i feel at one, harmonious, flowing, and taking action according to that state,
the doing is when i am doing it because ir needed to be done because of someone else’s expectations, or of what i think i need to be doing , to just do something, as if its not just enough me being, when i feel its enough,to just be, i feel the joy and bliss a lot of the time , i see that its when the , as you called it ,destiny addiction comes in, that i feel uncomfortable and nervous , and flap around. Does this make sense, is this what you mean?
I know that i am much more in the being at this time than i have been for a long time,
What Keith said about the word deserve, was powerful and great to have it pointed out as it really doesn’t help thinking of that word and i hadn’t seen that ever much before,
Lower your standards. Agenda less desire.I reminded me of the alexander technique which in trained in years ago, and have taught, alexander talked about the means whereby you carry out an activity, everyone always thinks he was all about standing up and sitting down, which is what he used to demonstrate the principals he had discovered but it is about so much more, and agenda less desire, is sort of what it is, in a physical way, I had been reluctant for quite a while to think about alaxander thinking that i had cut my emotions when i was working with it, by not responding to a stimulus, but i think that isn’t true,it actually helped to hold me together, and the fact that i had cut, m/ blocked from some of my emotions, was quite separate, it just has taken me time to see,
So i think this does help to expand and to stop the ‘doing’
But am i understanding what you mean about doing and being ? i think i am…
Taking space, not being shy or pretending to be, not to apologise for taking space.
I like all the mantras and believe they will help
‘The I belong here,’ ‘i am enough,’; its safe to be successful.’
How do i behave when i am the best in the world at what i do,
All the part about labelling , recognising,
Thanks Bonnie for responding so quickly and so clearly about the confusion when feeling unsafe,and about never having felt safe. I as you said Keith did,, also threw myself into he most dangerous situations. i remember someone , the mother of a freind commenting how i had thrown myself into a den of wolves.
The leapard at the throat image was powerful too and the need to breathe,
So far what i have written down i am not sure if i needed to here but it helps me to clarify it for myself and strengthens for me what i have experienced here, , when it resonated,
I realise that i need a lot of time alone, this work, and physical work every day and practice with all my skills,, in order to feel safe and calm and not anxious,.
In order to feel i belong and to take my space i need the time and space and attention to find the calm,
In need to be able to choose when and what i need to do, in order to feel safe,.
Something i observed this week was, i feel butterflies, and a lack of concentration when it feels like its going well,overwhelming and i run away, cut off ,distract myself, go into something lesser, disconnect, become something less than i want to be. It was in a conversation with my brother that i noticed it but i think it has happened before many times in situations, I think its important for me to see what this is all about .Maybe tis him disconnecting which is making me disconnect but im not sure,
Maybe im afraid of it of what might happen,, also afraid of losing it, of sabotaging it, of spoling it, so i do it in advance..
This has happened in other situations as well often in the past.with other people,
this i think is maybe the twitchy part you talking about….
The Jamie Fox videos and Carol Burnett etc were great to see, and so much to learn, about the loosness, and being state,
i would like to get more comfortable in this state of acceptance of myself, I can be like that if i feel safe and loved I ned to learn to be like that (in my own way of course )when i am in unknown territory , to be able to know that i haven’t done anything terrible . Doing have to prove anything, that Being is enough.,
i notice that i dip in to things sometimes and run away if i dont get the reaction i want, i get hurt and disheartened too easily,.
i need to do the mantras and to breathe….
‘When we deny ourselves the peer group and the lifestyle required of the future we want for ourselves, we’re choosing to stay small and we’ll always wonder what could’ve been’
this is so and true and frightening
Be best you today,
I get upset on a day when i feel i’m not the best me, I know it when i’m not the best me.It is usually when i am not enjoying anything or when i’m sloppy, or lazy, or not being disciplined with what i know i need in order to feel fulfilled and safe.,also when i’m complacent, but that’s not often,.
sometimes i let myself go, feel sorry for myself, get into a doom mode, but not very much,. I need to keep moving, resting, treating myself well,eating,sleeping , doing this work,self taping,, making contact outside ,believing, breathing,writing,not giving up, doing something each day, taking risks.. Cut convos and connections when they feel useless , waste of time, empty, meaningless to me, when i need to go, go,. To trust my gut,
i feel a lot of fear right now, or is it the unsafeness, the unknown , or is it excitement , or emotion,,..?
Thanks for making this a safe place… i cant find the words to say what i want to say,…
i think the fear of not being successful, of not being able to do good work is terrifying , and the feeling of success is also terrifying in a different way..
I’ll come back again here soon.,
I’m willing to bet you’ll discover — as many here have — that there are MANY layers to the healing work we’re undertaking. Sometimes involving a therapist, group support system, etc., outside of these spaces here is a good idea too. But for sure, the showing up for yourself and taking the time to explore this work, to really go on an expedition to learn where things got planted and why we’ve habituated them over time and what it would mean to let those things/beliefs/fears go… it’s all very deeply layered work. So there’s no rush here. It truly is the most important work of our lives — getting to a better feeling place for the long-term. 🙂 It’s so worth it!
i believe you, i have been doing work exploring past things which have affected me, in therapy over the last few years, other therapies i did before didn’t go into the past much,,i think they thought it was a best not to as was too much , but somehow this work with you has been getting much closer to me ,,makes me feel better, and i think am staring to see what it would mean to let these things go, and to get on with what i need to do…
Hey Bonnie, and everyone.
This month has been brought a simple yet immense revelation to me: the work on I in my career, my training, my taping, my auditions — all of that — is not nearly as important as the personal life work I need to do. I can be a little flip about that maybe, because I have put in lots of time on my career, my skills. but this inside work – the personal bugaboos, the early-age stumbling blocks, the old sticky places that keep me 8 years old, 14 years old, stuck in unhealthy places that will never get better. Each day, I work on them, lessen them, take off the charge.
I was feeling very bad late last night. I was so angry and disappointed and disallusioned. In the moment, it felt like it would never end. I decided ‘Okay, I am pissed. and I don’t want to be cool about it. So, I am gonna be 100% pissed for the next 24 hours – full on.’ Well, it actually lasted less then 24 hours, because I got bored and was ready to move on. Which was great.
So maybe I simply gave that younger, hurt part of myself to feel how I felt. And given that permission, I didn’t need it full on.
I don’t think this is the end of the work, but I am happy to have tools to lessen the old hurts while strengthening myself for now and the future.
All relationships are about my relationship with myself.
THIS is the work, gorgeous. You’ve summed it up beautifully. This is exactly what it all is about. Well done! Keep going!
Currently watching the Zoom call, and you guys covered so much amazing information! I was so bummed that I didn’t make it! It was a traveling day for us, and I tried my hardest to get there in time to log in, but rain and traffic made me 3 hours late for my arrival.
I have had some wonderful talks with my sister about how I learned early on that it wasn’t safe to have success unless I could be sure that we would both succeed. And, I discovered that the areas where she felt outshined by me (and activated my empathy gene for her as well) were situations that my parents FORCED her into. So, had we both been allowed to just pursue the things that we were interested in, we wouldn’t have had the feeling of failing or not measuring up. Or, being afraid of success if it couldn’t be for both of us… I think she and I are both in the process of healing as we talk these things out. But, the mere fact of us talking about these things would have made me feel unsafe a year ago. Things are shifting, I can feel it.
Isn’t it wonderful when we can tell we’re becoming more open to healing? For a time, the safest feeling is that clutching to the pain… it’s a relief when there’s room for healing to begin. Glad you and your sister have each other for this too! We missed you on the Zoom. Glad you’re enjoying the replay!
Tears running down my face as I am hit with full impact that what Keith has said about the reason for apologizing is so, so true.
I apologize about the way I come across all. the. time.
And, YES – someone (actually many someones) along the way made me feel that the way I that I am – the depth of my being – is wrong. That I don’t experience life the same way that others do. That I am an oddity. Looking back, I can’t even remember a time when my “being” was accepted. It was always – “Stop talking, Dawn.” “Why do you always have something to add?” “Why can’t you just be quiet?” “Why do you always have a question?” “Why, why, why?”
Which created/s the merry go round of trying to be like others so that people wouldn’t see that strange part of me – that part that they don’t understand that makes them push me away. And, now I want her to come back. She is inside of me and desperately wants to come out again – to try to find those who will appreciate and love me – not in spite of my differences – but embraces me because of them.
Dig into that journal, Dawn, and do some forgiveness work for those who made you feel apologetic and of course forgiveness to yourself for having believed those lies that you were not enough/too much for so long. Healing is big work. I’m proud of you for taking it on. You are safe.
Having a giant LOL at the superpower Sunday because it is SO timely, as always. I didn’t have time to read it today because life has been bananas. Good bananas, but a level of bananas that I’m still getting used to. I’ve been dealing with anxiety from the amount of data my phone is now receiving due to a recent tier skip. And it 100% has affected my sleep and productivity.
On Saturday, I taught a workshop at Camp Heal (hiiiii, Jen!!) that forced me to unplug, and wow…I felt loads better. It reminded me how very much I need this as a part of my daily practice of self care.
The timing is brilliant, as per usual 🙂
Right ON!!! 🙂 Stay connected with the big planet, not the little screen. What’s that phrase? “May my bare feet touch the earth before my hands touch my phone.” Ground yourself, go within, connect to source… THEN catch up on all that data your phone is trying to serve up to you. Congrats again on the tier skip, girl! So excited for you!
My email server ate my Superpower Sunday email – anyone willing & able to forward their copy to me?
kimberly_logan@yahoo.com
Make sure you post in October if you don’t get a response here, hon. Not sure how many folks are revisiting September. 🙂