Ah, so happy for November’s topic, glorious creatives! 🙂 You KNOW I am here for this, right?!?
This month is all about your relationship with self-care. If you’ve spent more than a hot second with me, you know I live my life as though I am *majoring* in self-care (and I’m on the 100-year plan with attaining this degree). Zero apologies for how incredibly invested I am in self-care. In fact, if you apologize for your self-care, it’s not really self-care in the first place.
One of the reasons self-care is SO hard for most of us is because it must be administered unapologetically to actually matter. And especially as artists, creatives, healers, storytellers on a mission to make the world a better place… welp, one of the last things we consider is how to put ourselves first. We have important things to do! No time for something so self-indulgent as hedonism! Gah!
Yeah. Fuck that mindset. Seriously. That self-care is considered selfish — wait, strike that. That SELFISHNESS is considered a BAD THING… *that* is criminal. It is to dishonor the value of gratitude we naturally crave sharing for the gift that IS this body, this soul, this mind, this heart, this entity we’re embodying for this lifetime and all we’re meant to do while we’re here.
Let me make this clear: Self-care is a form of gratitude for the gift that IS this life. (Tweet it.)
I don’t know about you, but I’m seriously effin’ grateful for this life of mine. Always have been. And maybe that’s why self-care comes easily for me. Now, there was a time that I labeled things like drinking all the vodka, staying up all night playing cards with friends, being available to everyone who needed me for anything ever always as “self-care” but let’s be real: that’s numbing to feelings, taking care of everyone else, and being a hero to puff up my otherwise low resting state of enoughness.
Ah… that good ol’ dispassionate labeling! It’s so damn good! Let’s use some of that dispassionate labeling to define our terms, shall we?
What Is Self-Care to You?
First thing’s first: How do YOU define self-care? It could be as simple as those “If I’m the best in the world at what I do” non-negotiables from Get in Gear. Drinking a glass of water upon waking. No screens in the bedroom. Stretching and breathing into the day’s intention-setting from a mindful, peaceful place. Abraham-Hicks MP3s. Walling off hours from anything or anyone that makes you reactive (AKA digital detox, DND status, or other limits on insipid energy drains).
It could be a monthly massage. Breaking up with a toxic friend. Meat-free Mondays. Going for walks at least three evenings a week. Tech-free Sundays. Daily meditation. Week-long retreats twice a year. Nice candles. Upgrading to the next-tier option when traveling or investing in gadgets you’ll use every day. Buying a freakin’ plush robe and then sitting around in it after a LUSH bubble bath as often as possible.
Y’all. There’s no one way to do self-care. In fact there are endless ones! Hey… let’s gamify this bish!
Self-Care Bingo and the Dip Kit
Hee hee! Yasssssss! Download your very own Self-Care Bingo PDF here (there’s one grid already mapped out for you and another blank one you can fill up for yourself). Start with baby-steps items like just doing more of things you already do that feel really good, that are nourishing to your spirit, that connect you with your own enoughness effortlessly.
You’ll see some of my favorite items in the first grid involving how we treat our bodies, setting boundaries in our lives, rituals for journaling and connecting more fully with ourselves, working forgiveness into our lives, beautifying our surroundings, increasing a sense of presence, or simply doing things that feel really dang good. Share some of your additions in the comments below! And HAVE FUN attracting more self-care into your life, even in the tiniest of ways!
If you find you’re starting from a deficit — which, let’s be honest, many of us will be if we don’t already have a strong muscle for regular, ongoing self-care — you may wish to revisit The Dip Kit from The SMFA Vault! We’ve opened access to it for you right here, and I’ve even updated the PDF (so re-download it even if you grabbed it when we first rolled this out).
The reason The Dip Kit is such a great starting point is that it helps you anchor activities that bring you OUT of the downs — and the PDF really makes it clear which activities you’re under-experiencing for the amount of value you KNOW they bring to your life! Guess what. That’s a key component to your self-care recipe! If it brings you UP, do more of it.
How’s Your Self-Talk?
Oy. What the heck is Bon doing putting self-talk in a month about self-care? Yeah, right? 😉 You do know the coach in your brain is on the job 24-7. Make sure that coach is EXCELLENT at her job. There’s nothing anyone outside you can say that’s as powerful as what you’re constantly feeding yourself about what is possible, what you deserve, who you are in the world, how things are meant to be for you.
Clean. It. Up. That’s the biggest act of self-care you can engage in and it’s 100% free, super simple (note: I didn’t call it “easy”), and filled with ripple effects. Start with a short-run challenge (you’ll recall I gave up complaining for Lent back in the ’90s and I didn’t even know what Lent was, but my friend who had given up complaining for Lent was seriously #goals for handling EVERY challenge in life and that meant I would be trying it too). Give yourself a goal of going a run of ten days or whatever it takes to get a reset going in your self-talk.
Part of how we prepare for the success we WANT in any area of our life is by cultivating a language of success. Speaking it into reality, yes, but also just making our vocabulary one that does way more to support where we want to be (vs. pushing against where we don’t want to be). Be on your own side. Permit yourself acts of self-love that may have been conditioned to be “NOT okay” in your life. And be prepared for a bit of rebellion in your system if anything nurturing has ever felt unsafe to receive.
About That Safety Thing
Dr. Gabor Maté — whose phenomenal book, When the Body Says NO, is a must-read — has this to say about why we may choose to prevent ourselves from receiving self-care (and ultimately care from anyone else, too), even if we really WANT to make a change.
For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, Hans Selye observed. To such persons, stress feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be avoided.
So. If you feel outright unsafe engaging in self-care, the initial work is to normalize the experience of allowing yourself peace, love, silence, centered breathing, presence.
“It is safe to be still.” “It is safe to be loved.” “It is safe to be nice to myself and teach others to be nice to me too.”
Breathe.
Hand on heart.
Other hand on gut.
Exhale longer than the inhale.
You are safe.
You’re eventually going to love on yourself so damn much that EVERYONE wants to get in on that action. But *you* have to tolerate a level of self-love that begins with positive self-talk and of course encompasses self-care FIRST. There’s no convincing anyone else on the planet to treat us well when we role model for them what it looks like to be in an abusive relationship with ourselves.
Best You
I had a really interesting thing come up just before the last SMFA Escape in Desert Hot Springs. One of our returning ninjas asked if I’d be making my famous Whole30 deviled eggs with bacon flags again.
I hadn’t planned on it. When I had made those — and my famous NOT Whole30 spinach dip in Hawaiian bread bowl — for a previous SMFA Escape, I had not yet entered the dark night of the soul that has been the deep mind-body healing journey of the past couple o’ years. It was NBD for me to make food offerings for the welcome party back then. Now? Eesh… it was going to add a whole new layer of timing and organizing and scheduling and packing that somehow felt more complicated than it would be possible to conquer.
But of course, I love making people happy so I did my best to try and make this work. Until I realized I was really violating some self-care requirements in order to do so. My life suddenly became consumed with how I was going to get these eggs made and transported and not lose my ever-lovin’ mind.
Finally, my tools for healing kicked in enough to override the momentum that was trying to take care of others and I stopped and asked the question, “What does this person WANT at the SMFA Escape?” And the answer was not, “Whole30 deviled eggs with bacon flags.” The answer was, “She wants Best Bon.”
Right. And how does she get Best Bon? She gets Best Bon by this boundary right here… I’m not making the damn eggs.
Big picture. Macro POV. People want the best version of us to be fully present. That means in the micro, we may have to disappoint them. But when we do everything we can to serve up the micro promises — betraying our own self-care in the process — we end up cheating them (and others, and ourselves) of the macro that is Best Us.
Let me say this again, for emphasis: We *will* disappoint people in the micro in order to serve up the Best Us that is the macro. It is of vital importance that you disentangle someone being disappointed that you cannot X [insert micro thing here] from the idea that this means they are disappointed in YOU. Noooooooo… we do NOT become a disappointment to people just because we disappoint them from time to time. And anyone who has ever tried to lump disappointment in us with our disappointing them about a thing is cruel in ways we get to reparent today. Yay!
The world wants Best Us. WE want Best Us. We can do so much more in the micro when we *are* Best Us in the macro. So… priorities. And when our priorities are clear, we’re actually not disappointing people in having boundaries. Because honestly, our most important boundaries are with ourselves.
That’s right, folks. Boundaries aren’t JUST for others. In fact, they’re way less for others than they are for ourselves. When I’ve overcommitted, I say so! I will decline an invitation by saying, “I’ve overcommitted this week and need to pass on your super sweet invitation. Thank you so much for helping me stick to this boundary with myself.” When I revealed that there would be no Whole30 deviled eggs with bacon flags, there wasn’t even mild disappointment. There was a shrug. That’s it! I was going to make myself sick to deliver on the micro until I felt my self-care muscle kick in and take over. Good girl. Good, well-trained, toned and strong muscle!
How do you start strengthening that muscle so it’ll come rescue you when your brain tries to override your gut? By asking one simple question and really listening for the answer: “What’s the kindest choice I can make right now?”
Not, “What’s the way I can stress myself out the most to sacrifice and give-give-give so someone else will love me enough to make up for how little I love myself.” Not, “What’s the way I can get myself sick so I have a valid excuse for falling short of the unrealistic expectations I set out there so people will love me so that I believe maybe I am enough.” Not, “What’s the way I can avoid conflict by being a doormat and ignoring my own needs.” No, no. Not any of those. Just a simple, “What’s the kindest choice I can make right now?”
Simple. Fucking. Question.
It’ll change your life if you let it.
An Important Note about Boundaries
When you begin to change the rules on people, they don’t like it. Don’t be mad at them about that! If you’ve been low on enoughness and crazy fluid with your boundaries, it’s going to feel abrupt with even the tiniest bit of an increase in the self-care department. With those in your inner circle, try introducing self-care as an experiment.
Try this script: “I’m in a class and I’m meant to add five hours of unabashed self-care to my life this month in prep for the holidays and all the running around I’ll be doing. You can help me celebrate getting it right when you see me doing [FILL IN THE BLANK].” When I chose sobriety in 2016, I had to invite Keith to consider falling in love with a totally new human being than the one he’d been with since 2001. And I had to be prepared that I was changing our relationship’s dynamic so much that it might not work.
Self-care is a similar act of self-love and it’s one that can make you into a different person. Don’t fear that. Those who react badly to our new boundaries are the ones who benefited the most from us NOT having any before. See that reaction as a filter. Now you know. There are some folks who’ll be outright outraged at your acts of self-love — because it confronts them about how much self-hate THEY engage in and how possible it is to choose the far less socially-acceptable self-love route too. But for those who only want the best for you, let them in on how some of this self-care experiment is going to feel this month. Involve them in it! Gamify it. Have fun with it. 🙂
And if they’re not on board, just remember: You’re a lighthouse, not a liferaft. Shine on and let them ask you what makes you shine when they navigate to shore via your light. Always allow others the dignity of their journey, knowing your self-care and your boundaries may be confronting to them. That’s not a sign you need to NOT engage in self-care; it’s a sign *they* see self-care as something impossible for THEM to allow themselves without disrupting the status quo.
Most of all — in one of the KINDEST moves there is — find ways to be happy without requiring others to be happy. Let them have their feelings, but don’t let their feelings become your feelings. One of the coolest byproducts of self-care is that you really do learn where YOUR feelings end and someone else’s begin. Even if you’re the most empath-like creature anyone has ever known, when you have a self-care practice, there is no confusion about whose pain belongs where in your life. In a lifestyle that always makes room for self-care, there is clarity of ownership in a world that used to be messy.
Talk about an enoughness turbo boost, my friends!
Of course, I like to think I’ve always been decent with self-care; we know I got a whole lot better at it when my body required it. Part of the reason we’re focusing this month on self-care is because you don’t HAVE TO have your life put you on your ass in order to make changes that do magical things for your life and the lives of others.
How. Fucking. Cool.
Here’s a post I made that probably helped them think of me so easily:
FIRST things on the calendar are always self-care. Well, speaking engagements, book signings, tours — long-term-planned stuff is there first-first, but I’m talking nuts-and-bolts calendaring here.
Self-care: couples counseling, massages, spa days, private Pilates and now TRX (OMG TRX! I am obsessed and all the good sore!!), the 12th talk with the hubs (GAME CHANGER in our relationship), acupuncture, sober coaching, mind-body healing group meetings, EFT sessions, ladydates with my core people… and THEN I set up things like team meetings, my livestreams and in-program interactive sessions, followed by opening up windows for my coaching clients. LAST.
Yup, the thing that pulls in the most money per hour is the last thing I open up on my schedule. Because everyone paying top dollar for 1:1 time with me? They want Best Bon. How do they get Best Bon? Only if all that other stuff gets on the calendar first.
I probably always THOUGHT I was good at self-care but it wasn’t ’til I stopped putting poison in my bod and calling it food (Whole30, Aug. 2016), then got sober (Oct. 2016), then got handed a big-ass upper-limit problem due to all the success at once and not having made proper space for being PRESENT for making it feel SAFE to be so successful (kicking off the deep mind-body healing journey that had me hospitalized and then on bedrest for 3.5 months in 2018) that I really started structuring my life to be a space filled with investment in Best Bon — consistently, proactively, on EVERY level and never again reactively or as an afterthought — and holy balls if it didn’t transform not only my enoughness (duh) but also my business, because now people come to me for THIS.
It’s like by living through something that at its darkest looked like it was creating the end of my life as I knew it in a much more grim way — and finding a way to navigate success, invest in success, fortify my primal brain to feel safe in the most successful spaces I feel called to occupy — I created the framework that is now providing my clients with more success than they’ve ever known.
More importantly, it’s sustainable success. SAFE-feeling success. There’s no backlash for doing well because we’ve front-loaded the next-tier experience with all the self-care required to have success feel not only safe but RIGHT on a cellular level.
So, it’s not like any of this set out as something I was doing for my business. I didn’t clean up my eating or get sober or even learn all the neurobiology of healing in order to serve my business and I was never even considering what my clients — or the world at large — might get out of what I was doing to create Better Bon and then Best Bon.
But as I’ve created a system for excavating my own enoughness, sure enough, a whole new depth to our business is born. And it’s expanding my work far beyond showbiz and my core fanbase. Which means I get to continue making it feel safe to push beyond these edges. Again. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Some mantras you may wish to play with: “Self-care is a gift for future me.” “Self-care is an investment in Best Me.” “Self-care is my role modeling how everyone is meant to treat me.” Share others that resonate with you in the comments below. Remember… it is safe to receive love (especially from ourselves).
As Tara Brach says, “This revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.”
Allow space for this. Your enoughness is counting on it.
Aligned Hustle Calendar
We kick off with Venus in Sagittarius, and this means love, beauty, all things pretty and happy-feeling will be way more adventurous and free. While I didn’t put this particular bit o’ news on the calendar itself (because I save the more dense things like Saturn sextile Neptune for our Aligned Advantage deep-dives, where we can really get into the nitty-gritty of it all), note that on the 8th, we are UNSTOPPABLE! Set big goals regarding the things you most enjoy and brace yourself for material gain. Yes, that’s what I said, baby!!
On the 11th, when Mercury conjuncts the Sun, check impulsive energy surrounding situations you thought were long-lost (Hai, Mercury retrograde energy, much?). That full moon in Taurus on the 12th is great for amping up the gratitude and releasing all the things that never came together from seeds planted six months ago. A week later, as Mars goes into Scorpio, we’re really gonna be exposing some brutal truths — and then feeling all the feelings that go with that intimate reveal. That’s kind of what Scorpio is all about: getting to the bottom of things, one way or another.
We’re freed of Mercury’s retrograde illusion on the 20th and while that Virgo moon will feel like a blop o’ ketchup just came out of the stubborn bottle, do remember to go easy on new projects or tech commitments for another few days just to be on the safe side. We’ll shift signs from Scorpio to Sagittarius on the 22nd and that means easing up on the intensity and deep-underbelly discovery going on and MOAR FREEDUM! And travel! And flow!
Venus conjuncts Jupiter on the 24th and that means fortune is boosted (because Jupiter is how we get lucky and Venus is all about the love), followed by Venus entering Capricorn on the 25th, which grounds love a great deal (Capricorn being all earthy and pragmatic and all). We’ll be more realistic and less pie-eyed about love AND we’ll pull more career focus into alignment with our heart. Sounds great to me, y’all!
With the new moon in Sagittarius on the 26th, that’s intention-setting time for the next six months, especially where goals of travel and exploration are concerned. Vision board it, baby! And when Neptune goes direct at long last on the 27th, our dreams will become clearer… but, oops… reality will be a little hazier in exchange. Phew! Let’s dig in on your best GSD days for November, shall we?
Remembering that most of the month has the “double-check everything” overlay of Mercury retrograde, your first great biz-focus day is Sunday the 3rd, when doing group work will be powerful and lighthearted. The 5th is a good day to get going with some networking too. In addition to the 8th having all that magical planetary goodness above, it’s also an Aries moon *on* a 4 day numerologically. See? I’m telling you. UNSTOPPABLE action on this day! Gold stars!!
The 9th will be more playful but still filled with GSD energy. The 10th turns more to home and domesticity as the void moon chills ’til moving into Taurus, which is doubly good for home and also convos about investing and big-picture planning. Remember, planning is fine; taking NEW action under Mercury retrograde is not advised.
Despite the void moon on the 12th, it’s a powerful day for big-picture stuff, especially letting go of things that never came together. The next good GSD day is the 14th, followed by the 17th (although focused on more personal issues than career), and you will feel so frisky and playful on the 18th it’s not even funny! So have FUN, yo!
I’ve already mentioned that Virgo moon coming in as Mercury goes direct on the 20th is gonna make you feel like “Ahh… let’s GO!” and that’s cool especially on the 21st when we’re in an 8 numerologically. The 23rd is another good GSD day, and a bit of the 25th despite the void moon. 26th is get shit done time once again, and we end the month on a void moon, yes, but it’s an 8 day coming out of a Capricorn moon so by midday — as we head into Aquarius moon time — there’ll be cool stuff happening if you’re doing something more than shopping all weekend. 😉
Phew! LOTS of opportunity for self-care between all those GSD days, right? YES! Look for days with numerology of 2, 3, 6, 7, and 9 for the best of it, especially under a void moon. Just be inside cat, soak in the tub (oh wait… inside cats and water don’t mix… or do they), and treat yourself to next-tier you goodness because it’s so worth getting used to, m’love!
Stay wrapped in care!
All my ninja love,
Wanna join us for our monthly LIVE interactive mastermind meeting? Register here ASAP! This month’s meeting will take place via Zoom on Friday, November 15th, at 2pm PST. Translate that to your time zone here.
After you register, you will receive an email with information on how to connect. You are welcome to go on camera for this mastermind session, or simply unmute yourself to participate live audio-only. Yes, we will be recording the meeting and putting its replay here for you to consume. Hooray!
Please post questions *here* (even though the robot email from Zoom includes an email address for questions). Thank you. 😉
If you’ve never Zoomed before, we recommend you get all set up *before* our meeting. Zoom is free, and there’s info on how to get going here.
And of course, any questions for us, pop ’em in below! This is where the magic IN YOU happens outwardly. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us… and the whole damn world! They’re important and so are you, babe. I cannot WAIT to cheer on all your self-care this month (and beyond)!
Click here to download a PDF of our li’l chat from today’s meeting. All the self-care!
Post-Zoom, here’s some homework to explore.
Homework:
- Explore Baseline Criteria for self-care by asking yourself these questions: What environment do I require in order to thrive? What little things can I begin to do to teach my nervous system it’s safe to receive nurturing? In every situation, what’s the kindest choice I can make right now?
- Revisit the Karpman Triangle (The 3 V’s) and explore where you are in the role of Victor, Villain, or Victim in your relationships. Know that the voice of your bossy brain (my 8-year-old Bon, Constance’s Wilma, that Becky a whole bunch of my masterminders started using way back) is usually trying to be the victor. Try letting her know that you — current you, with all the resources available to you today — are far better equipped to be the victor and how ’bout let’s all take a break from the drama triangle for a bit when it comes to self-care. K?
- Really consider that the happiest people *and* the most successful people have very similar routines, non-negotiables, practices of sleep hygiene and digital detox hours and boundaries that are lovingly preserved without apology. This is not an accident! And while it is absolutely easier to make choices that include spa days and saying NO to money jobs when there’s money in the bank, without question, there are choices we can make BEFORE we’re at that level of ease that in fact *lead* us to that money-in-the-bank space sooner. Things like walling off a few hours one day a week for no one but yourself. Stuff like adding buffer hours to your travel so your schedule isn’t packed to the gills at a time that’s already pretty frazzled. And of course being unwilling to compromise when it comes to basics like sleep and hydration and body movement and self-talk of the highest quality! No excuses for getting started on this… other than the “excuse” that is, “I don’t yet feel safe allowing myself to receive nurturing.” Ah… and then THAT may be the work right now. Journal about that, and share in the comments if you’d like support.
- Check out Jerry Colonna’s book, Reboot. Let me know if you’re digging in on it! We’ll do a mini-book club about it! So glad this upper-limit convo is becoming more and more mainstream. That means this healing work we’re doing is ahead of its time and about to be recognized as the groundbreaking goodness that it is!
- Remember, healing is a lifestyle. Balance is key. Anything to excess is poisonous so the work is all about dispassionate labeling, knowing our ding things, having that sexy rebranded Dip Kit (seriously, my Canva Pro skills are legit) handy, and not waiting ’til we’re unwell to provide ourselves even minimal self-care. “It is safe to be still” will help you become aware of what you’re avoiding through all the busy-ness in life.
Why on Earth would I ever get fully well if suddenly I lose all of these wonderful people, this doctors-order-level self-care, and how good all of the patience and flow feels to me? Ah… but I want to be well, so the convo becomes, “Can I be well and STILL *deserve* the perks of a Sick Bonnie?”
It’s the vitamin vs. painkiller issue. We’re permitted painkillers, but people roll their eyes if we take vitamins. If we’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, OF COURSE we’re in counseling to set groundrules and get healthy. If our relationship GETS healthy… suddenly we aren’t allowed the “indulgence” of regular therapy sessions?
Such HUBRIS to believe we aren’t *better* versions of ourselves when we employ a team of coaches, guides, trainers, and wellness practitioners to help us along the way! Of course we’re BETTER when we have a dream team, helping us do things their guidance makes us better at doing! Yet for most of our lives, we expect ourselves to be able to do everything on our own and see the use of such a dream team as self-indulgent. Something to be apologetic about needing. So… we get ourselves (and keep ourselves) sick enough that this sort of care is allowed. Oh man, y’all. Let’s heal this stigma RIGHT NOW with our leadership.
You game?
Those of you in Aligned Advantage, I’ll be going deeper on the December calendar with y’all on November 20th. Everyone, look for the December calendar on the Expansive Capacity welcome page shortly. Our December Zoom (on Your Relationship with Happiness) will be on the 15th.
Don’t forget!! Grads of Get in Gear for the Next Tier, we have our membership overhaul Q&A session on November 25th and I’ll be sharing so much exciting news with you all! Yay! 🙂 Growth!
’til our next jam sesh, please continue your brilliance in the comments below. I continue to be so inspired by you all and I love spending time together like this. Means the world to be a part of your Best You journey! Thank you for trusting me to join you on the enoughness path.
Well, this is right on time! I was just sorting through self talk and how mine has latched onto negativity lately. Over the past few years I’ve done A LOT of work at putting several toxic folks firmly on the outside of my boundaries. It feels much better. Weird, but better. Then I came up with some ideas to branch out my business. Some of them are ideas that had their conception when I was still in contact with the toxic folks and putting a lot of value on their opinions. I was deluged with all of this “what if [insert negative outcome]???!!” thinking. For about a week it weighed me down to the point that even basic self care became difficult. Then I realized that the concerns were not in MY voice. They were the voices of the toxic folks! I think my brain actually missed the routine of having any new or outside-the-box idea met with a swirl of negativity. Whoa. What great proof that I don’t feel safe without the stress that the toxic swirl of negativity provided.
Yeah. That quote from “When the Body Says NO” really landed with me. THUD. Most of the folks I needed new boundaries with were my family of origin. I laid out what was making me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unloved along with changes I needed to make in our relationships. I reassured them that this was coming from a place of love and asked that when they were ready to respond from a similar place that they reach out. A year of silence has followed.
Logically I know that no contact is much better than toxicity. But, fuck it hurts. I’ve also realized that I had a tendency to align with friends and business associates who mirrored my family’s toxic traits with me. I’ve set new boundaries with all of them and for some that did result in an end to the friendship or business association. Again, I see this as a good thing. But I’ve noticed recently that I’ve been isolating myself. I’ve realized that I don’t trust myself not to find those toxic traits again. I’m gun shy. I think maybe that’s normal after such a massive overhaul of the people in one’s life. My soft little Cancer self pulled WAY inside, but I think I’m ready to start coming out of my shell again. And I know this is a safe place to start.
Sending you all gratitude, love, and light. 🙂
Kate, thank you for sharing this. Interestingly enough, I’m in the realm of creating new boundaries with my family of origin as well, and it is very challenging. But as you wrote, “No contact is much better than toxicity.”
I understand your concern about isolation and trusting yourself… I keep thinking of Bonnie’s, “What is the kindest choice I can make right now?” And I have amended that to, “What is the kindest choice I can make for myself right now?”
In creating your safe space and cultivating self-love, you will find the courage to trust yourself and allow people into your life. And if you have to reset boundaries, it’s all good.
I’m thinking of that day in GIGFTNT where Keith says, “Let’s make 10 mistakes today!” 😉
Just know you’ve got your back, and you can do anything.
Thank you, Laura. “The kindest choice I can make for myself” LOVE that! It is challenging.
You and Keith are right, mistakes are opportunities for growth, creativity, and strength.
Reminds me of an improv class I took where if you messed up you were encouraged to say “Woot! Woot! I failed!!” and do a little victory dance. 🙂
I LOVE that Victory Dance, celebrating a mess-up. YES!
Hello my astro twin. 😉 Here’s what I know about the Cancer isolation factor with all that Libra backing up the core personality build-up: You are incapable of isolating for too long. Your NEED to bond with others will override the cautiousness you’re feeling about “being wrong” in whom you let in, next time, and you will begin to feel the gun-shy-ness lessening. Here’s what’s important: You need to allow yourself to move away from that Cancer-deep-inside/alone status sooner than it feels safe because you need the Cancer’s discerning eye. You need that pickier PICKER as you decide whom to allow into your inner circle next time. If you wait ’til Libra forces you out into the world, you’ll be less discriminating, and you need the caution you’re feeling. Just… trust that you’ve refined your picker. Because you have.
Write a breakdown for the people you want to attract. Qualities. Essences. Needs of yours that they will meet. DRAW IT IN, babe. Get very very very specific. They’ll show up. I promise! My life right now is very much an example of how this works (I wrote about buying my friends here).
BTW, it’s gonna sound weird but I’m lucky that my mother — my very best friend in life — passed away 19 years ago. Yes, it SUCKS to have lost her so young and to not have her around to share so much of my life with in physical form, but what I mean by saying “I’m lucky” is that her personality, her ego, and her low enoughness was SUCH a factor in my life — even as I made one of the biggest moves WITHOUT HER APPROVAL, just in the final two years of her life — that were she still here, at that resting enoughness state, MY LIFE would not be as fully expressed as it is.
That I would have sat with her and said, “These are the rules for interacting with me going forward,” much as you did and, if I hit her at the wrong moment with the wrong words and her low enoughness got dinged and her ego got in charge, she would’ve cut me off from contact like ICE COLD territory. Having her energy ONLY now around me in its fullest enoughness state (because so much of the resistance she experienced in the physical world is not a part of her being anymore, of course), we have a MUCH cooler relationship, even though my ego misses so much of her, of course.
Sharing that because I know it feels icky to have folks we love disconnect when we set boundaries, but if they were truly in THEIR best level of enoughness about THEIR lives, they would be so proud of us for drawing lines and sticking to those boundaries when it comes to how we feel safe and our best selves in life. 🙂
Twinsies! 🙂 I can recall having the Cancer isolation looking to settle in for the long haul in the past and having the Libra jump at the first connection who presented itself like, “Dude! I’m BORED!” Cancer’s pickier picker would have come in very handy and saved stress later.
I LOVE the breakdown idea. Genius! I got energized as soon as I read that. Actually, right after I posted yesterday, I looked up a local meditation group I’ve been meaning to join and put one of their events on my calendar for tonight. I did this because I was thinking of when I met the hubs – the best friend I’ve ever had – and it was because I kept showing up for whatever was offered with a local theatre group after I moved to VA. My focus wasn’t on finding friends or a date, but on getting around people with similar mindsets and doing something that I loved. So, without having the vocabulary for it at the time, I put myself into the vortex and focused on what I did have and by doing so I allowed more to manifest.
It does SUCK that you lost your mom so young. But how wonderful that you can feel a closer connection with her now. Yeah. I see so much of my relationship with my mom in what you wrote. My brother is SO MUCH like her. And dad just doesn’t rock the boat. When I feel the chill from the ICE COLD territory, I remind myself that it’s because of things like low enoughness and ego. And also that I can’t fix that for them. Because that’s what I used to do before I set the firm boundaries. I’d regularly slip through the boundary with some excuse to myself and wonder why my “boundaries” weren’t respected. You’re absolutely right that their silence is a reflection of how they feel about THEIR lives. In the past, even if I did hit them with some delicate talk at a good time for their enoughness and ego, the best that would happen was that they agreed in the moment, I wasn’t frozen out, and everything went back to “normal”. Because they have to come to truly accepting and being able to expand their enoughness on their own. I can’t control that (and wouldn’t want to if I could!).
Hey Kate, I am going through the same thing with creating boundaries and finding it a work in progress. Reading this I realize I need to get clearer on what and what not works for me. This summer required self care as I received several toxic phone calls where there was envy due to the fact that I was changing lifestyle tiers. It hurt. It brought out the evidence of who were the real cheerleaders and support that were celebrating with me. My trigger is guilt. So working on acknowledging it when it comes up!
A couple o’ books to put on your radar — even just looking at the images on the Amazon page of this first one was helpful for me!
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and Guilt Trip: My Quest to Leave the Baggage Behind. Don’t go overboard. But see if there’s something here that’s helpful? This is for everyone… not just Bex/Kate. 😉 I’m just keeping the comment in the thread.
Love y’all!
Thank you, Bon! Yeah, I see what you mean about those covers! These look really helpful.
Hi Bex 🙂 Thank you for sharing that. It does help to confirm that I’m not the only one. Totally a work in progress. And the progress feels so much better! It is hard, but I’m finding that the more work I put into it, the better I feel in general. Hope you are finding the same!
So much good stuff to think about, Bon, and play with!
I’m in the midst of recovery from childhood trauma, and my body and mind have been insistent that my healing comes first. As much as I thought I was doing that – my parents often called me “selfish” for focusing on my own needs – it’s been a shock to realize that I was putting others’ healing and well-being first, including my abuser. I got caught in the classic trap of trying to heal them first, so this month of self-care comes right on time for me, because I have been learning to let go of these toxic people. And going with your mantra, “What is the kindest choice I can make for myself?” has been so enlightening.
It’s also such a month of Thanksgiving, and I’m very thankful to be working with an excellent therapist who has been helping me to focus on self-care. Simple things like buying flowers if I want to, giving myself time to meditate each day, listening to that gentle urge inside which has been begging me for a yoga class. Instead of thinking what I “have to be” for others, what will happen if I really put my self-care first and just BE?
I don’t know, but I’m excited to find out!
PS – Really love this, Bon: “find ways to be happy without requiring others to be happy. Let them have their feelings, but don’t let their feelings become your feelings.” That’s been an incredible gift of insight, and I love seeing it here in black and white.
Also, how cool that you’re leading the talk on self-care for your mastermind entrepreneur group, Bon! So fucking COOL!
Love you, lady!
Isn’t that the coolest?!? OMG, so awesome! Love you. Glad this is resonating. XO
Ooh, this sounds like you’re already well on your way to filling a Self-Care Bingo grid, Laura. So good!
Bon, I gotta tell you, I wasn’t sure about the self-care Bingo thing, and now I LOVE IT!
I was telling some non-actors at my day-job about Expansive Capacity, because they were having a hard day, and I said, “I’m doing a month of self-care through Expansive Capacity.” And they were fascinated and asked more, and I said how you brought up this glorious thought of “What is the kindest thing I can do for myself today?” I know I’ve morphed it a bit, but these young women were FLOORED! They couldn’t believe they’d never thought to be kind to themselves, and the energy amongst us just raised up, and it felt SO GOOD, and I thought, “I’m playing Bonnie’s self-care Bingo!!!” Ha!
You rock, woman. Thank you for shining your light and inspiring us to shine as well. Love you!
I am standing on my chair celebrating you and your coworkers, woman!!
(Actually, I’m in a snuggly bed in my hotel room in Phoenix, soft flute music wafting up from the courtyard below, but same diff.) 😉
Love you!
LOL snuggle on!
Laura, you are SUCH a lighthouse! So. Cool! XOXO
Thank you, Kate. Shine on!
I also started a recovery link list, and if anyone needs help building boundaries, I really liked this link: https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
Ooh, good boundaries list! Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing this, Laura!
Oooo so great!
I’m so excited for this topic! I’m really leaning into, “What is the kindest choice I can make for myself?” I’m traveling to see my family during Thanksgiving and I had a little dilemma deciding if I should rearrange my flight to be there for my birthday or just honor that it’s best for me to stay in Los Angeles. It’s not because I don’t want to be with my family, but I don’t want to spend 12 hours traveling to see them before they go to bed and eat alone anyways. 😀 It’s baby steps in the right direction.
Always a fan of baby steps! 🙂 And HOORAY for such a kind choice you’ve made, Aaron. I’m celebrating you!!
You got this, Aaron! It’s your birthday! You celebrate it in whatever situation is most joyful for you!
Oof, so many things jumped out at my in reading this month’s info.
First – I’m very excited to explore the dip kit and build upon my toolbox for getting myself out of the down periods. I’ve found that when I’m really down, I think to myself, “What would bring me joy right now?” And I often can’t answer that question! So having a short list feels like a great thing to have on hand for myself.
That Dr. Gabor Maté quote…goodness. My therapist recently pointed out that I had a fairly volatile/stressful childhood (which I internalized and made excuses for, so this was a revelation for me) and the ‘absence of stress evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness’ describes me to a T. I love the idea of scheduling self-care first. As much as my logical brain knows the benefits, certain types of self-care often still feel like something that I need to earn, instead of being a celebration and expression of gratitude for this life. I have a difficult time separating what I do from who I am (hello repeating themes), so this is definitely something I want to practice. This came up recently when I was working to develop a morning routine and found that many people included leisure reading in their morning routines. This blew my mind – and it caused me to step back and realize that I viewed reading as some sort of reward if I had time at the end of the day (unless it was a script, etc). But to read first thing in the morning, to get those creative juices flowing and do something that brings me JOY just because – how fun! What great energy to begin the day with.
“Self-care is a similar act of self-love and it’s one that can make you into a different person. Don’t fear that. ” After finally working with my husband to set boundaries with his parents this year (which has been a HUGE stressor in our lives), I was talking to a friend about some of the upper limits work I was doing – including boundary setting – when they asked if I was worried I was changing so much that I wouldn’t even have language to talk to people like my in-laws (who exhibit low enoughness) because I’d be in such a different place. So I really appreciate the discussion about letting others experience their journeys while not allowing that to detract from my own. I can feel myself moving forward in this enoughness journey and also feel where there are sticking points.
Great work, Sarah. I’d love for you to look more at where this LANGUAGE thing plays into things. Why is it do you think that you will lack empathy (or enough empathy/understanding) to be able to communicate with folks at different enoughness levels? Do you feel that way about different financial levels? Different ages? Different cultures? I’d love to tease this out a bit because it’s so interesting that this became a worry of yours!
As for the earning the delight of reading a book at the end of the day, yeah, that whole idea of having to BEHAVE a certain way in order to DESERVE something as lovely as letting your mind run free like that is so worth softening! If you didn’t catch yesterday’s livestream, watch its 2nd part here (Mercury retrograde had its way with us). It’s about lifting up that enoughness space of BEING by DOING less. 🙂
I love that it’s only “certain types of self-care” that you see as things you must earn. That means there are OTHER types of self-care you just GET are allowed and you allow them. 😉 Good. That means you can continue to turn that dial one little enoughness micro-step at a time.
The Dip Kit is a MUST mainly because when we create the list at times of feeling good, it feels like a love note or a treasure map we left for ourselves later, when we sooooooo need any little kindness. How nice when that kindness comes from ourselves, huh?
I don’t feel concerned about lacking empathy for folx at different stages of their enoughness journey – that was a concern that was put on me, and it wasn’t something that had occurred to me prior to that. But it seemed like a clear example of someone who is at a different place – they saw the work I was doing and wanted to point out that it might threaten some of my relationships, like they were feeling defensive about it. It felt like a good reminder to have grace with people who aren’t in a place to understand what I’m doing and why. But I also liked your perspective that some of those people may filter themselves out.
Oo thanks, I’ll go back and watch that livestream.
Haha yes, it really is only with certain kinds of self-care. Working on turning that dial 🙂
Sarah, thank you for sharing all this. It really resonated with me, especially as I’m working on boundaries with my own family. I’ve often asked my therapist, “How am I going to talk with these people?” because what held us in place before was me unconsciously agreeing to let them run all over me. Now that I’m conscious and am working on setting boundaries, it changes the language of how we interact and how I speak with them. For example, my mom will try to dump her stuff on me and look to me to “fix it,” but instead of falling into that trap, I say, “You know, mom, a good therapist would be able to help you sort this out.” I NEVER thought I’d get to that point, but it’s been incredibly freeing, knowing I have an advocate, my own therapist, in my corner, and knowing I can set boundaries with my mom. It’s still very difficult in some cases, because there’s still a lot of stuff she’s trying to foist on me, but the more I work on my own health and healing and enoughness, the more I can speak up for myself, and for me, that language is priceless.
Hope that helps. And good for you for working on turning the dial of allowing/accepting all kinds of self-care into your world.
LOVE this, Laura! What a gift you’re giving your mother!
I feel really excited to keep delving into and unpacking “ It is safe to receive love, especially from myself,” this month. I have been clocking some fear of intimacy that has been arising as I am opening myself up deeper in my friendships and preparing for coming relationships. I am so grateful for this vocabulary to be able to name where the fear is arising from: RECEIVING LOVE, and how I can so actively practice this with myself through self-care practice.
Historically, since before I was cognitive, receiving love was dangerous. And I previously carried this story out into my romantic relationships and friendships. But I am thrilled and filled with butterflies as I begin to dig into the self-healing and reparenting that is shifting that STORY into the reality that ‘it IS safe to receive love.’ I feel so empowered in being able to identify and label this story and to have the awareness now that I can see when the story gets triggered and when the fear feelings arise, I have the tools to do deep self love and reparenting work.
I was definitely feeling some resistance at the beginning of the month around self care. Old stories were creeping up out of the wood work, aka ‘self-care is selfish.’ But diving into this month, I see how much I have built self-care, self LOVE, into my daily non-negotiable practice. The self love day to day practices I have been actively building these past 10 months of Expansive Capacity (and year of GIG4NT) are deepening my enoughness and allowing me to be ready to do this SUPER deep healing and awareness.
I am ready to delve into this part of my healing that is rooted in Trauma, and that is terrifying and thrilling. As I meditate, journal and steep on the mantra “ It is safe to receive love, especially from myself,’ I feel my body calling up trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze and energy moving to specific parts of my body. Being aware of these responses, being able to stay cognizant during them, and being able to love, support and coach myself through the experience is significant and powerful. I am thrilled to make this healing a focus and commitment this month and to meet future me, whether that is in December – January – months – and years – down the road, who is farther along on this healing journey and see how it is shaping and deepening her life and relationship with herself and others.
Thanks Bon for all these powerful tools, and thank you AJ for showing up and actively working through them.
OH! also wanted to share that I have started using the app Moon Calendar, to complement and suppor the aligned hustle calendar. It is so great in that it also provides journaling prompts and self-care suggestions. Loving being able to check in with it on the daily to support the work we are doing here.
https://apps.apple.com/ca/app/the-moon-calendar/id1373675189
Ooh, great tip. Thankee!
This is SO beautiful, AJ, and really resonated with me: “I am thrilled and filled with butterflies as I begin to dig into the self-healing and reparenting that is shifting that STORY into the reality that ‘it IS safe to receive love.’ I feel so empowered in being able to identify and label this story and to have the awareness now that I can see when the story gets triggered and when the fear feelings arise, I have the tools to do deep self love and reparenting work.”
Isn’t it amazing to be able to identify and label the data and have the awareness to give yourself the support you need? What a gift!
Holy cow. The deviled eggs with bacon story FLOORED me, Bonnie, because I have done exactly that: bending over backwards trying to do the thing and ending up not showing up my best self because I was thinking micro and not macro.
I felt a HUGE sense of relief reading, “You *will* disappoint people in the micro to serve up the best us in the macro.” Something about the is-ness and the complete acceptance in that statement was very liberating for me.
Loved: “It’s safe to be still.” I have trouble with that. I’ve been thinking about how I’m such a work horse, and it’s because I don’t know better. It’s all I’ve known. Ever since I was little, it was a million classes at school because I was in honors, then tutoring, then piano, then art class, then swimming, then homework, etc. Just jam packing each day with a thing to help me succeed. That quote about being addicted to high levels of internal stress I think is nails it on the head. I’ve been working on softening my sense of work so that I can rest. It’s really hard for me to rest, but I know I need it. I’m starting to see how crucial rest and play is in order to create.
Also, thank you for sharing that post about how you calendar/prioritize yourself. That’s really powerful stuff, and something really delicious for me to chew on.
Just realized that I have been putting me a bit first these days a la your self-care appointments, Bons, and I do notice a difference in myself/my work. I have tight shoulders from being on the computer a lot / driving, which sometimes causes my back to flare up from a car accident a few years ago, so I have been taking the time to stretch a few times a week to alleviate the tightness because I’m in constant pain.
Though it’s tempting for me to put stretching off to do more work or put a time cap on it, the days that I do make it a priority, I feel so much more focused, refreshed, and present. And I don’t let myself look at the clock and be a time Nazi about how much time I took to stretch. I take as much time as I need.
Oh, that’s beautiful. Yay! 🙂
Oh, I’m so glad, Q. I have to say, I don’t think there’s EVER a *full stop* version of rest for people like us. We were “born busy” and have very active minds and hearts and it’s just too EASY to be go-go-go with so many things all the time. But even opening ourselves up to a little bit of downtime, a little bit of restorative goodness for the bod, a little bit of breathing… it makes a difference. Just like you wouldn’t show up to pole class, toss your bag down, and jump up on the pole into the hardest trick you know, there’s WARM-UP. There’s BUILD. There’s CONDITIONING and STRENGTHENING. And of course, there’s COOL-DOWN. There’s REST. Ahhhh.
Omgawsh, thank you for acknowledging us. It really warmed my heart to read that because it meant… I’m perfectly fine the way I am (I’m enough!), but I just have to know where my limits are and make space, so that I can keep going.
Yes, totally. The warm-up is one of my favorite parts about pole. It’s the first step in getting me tuned into what I’m about to do, so I LOVE that example.
Re: Woo-Woo Wednesday, I’m a water queen because I have a LOT of water, but when you look at my chart in terms of Cardinal, Fixed, and Mutable, I’m actually pretty balanced. 6 in Cardinal, 4 in Fixed, and 4 in Mutable + I have one water sign each in each of the modes. Though I do sometimes feel a bit of a tug-of-war with myself because I don’t lean one way or the other in this area. Is there a way to feel less pulled?
^ makes a lot of sense why I, depending on the situation, lead/work/flow and I’m not keen on one or the other.
I think that’s GREAT! Since you have each of the three modes pretty well covered — especially because you have water in each, and you’re a Cancer — I think that allows you to be pretty adaptable.
I’d ask you to look at situations based on the planets that rule them. Like, Jupiter is how we get lucky; Mars is how we fight and lead; Venus is how we love; Mercury is how we communicate… that sort of thing. So, let’s do my Venus. It’s Leo, which is a fire sign, but also a fixed sign. So… how do I love? With ego, with passion, with needing to be made to feel VERY special, and I’m fucking stubborn as hell about liking what I like when it comes to what love needs to look and feel like.
See how the fixedness of the Leo in the planet of Venus plays out?
Try it! 🙂 This is fun!
Ohhhh fascinating… I am gonna try that… thank you!
YW! LMK if you have questions about this. I love geeking out on all of it! 🙂
Although self-care has been in the front of my mind over this summer, it has taken me time to jump into this month. I actually had all my family stuff come up last month as I took a 7 day cruise with my sister and brother-in-law who invited (and paid for!) me and my best friend to go with them. This was set up over a YEAR ago. It was so unreal to me – but I wanted to make sure I spent as much time with them while on the cruise and the port calls as I could. and it became apparent after 2 days of trying to coordinate with them that it was a crucial thing. They were doin what they wanted to do, and so we could do what we wanted to do. I just kept checking in with them. And when they got sea-sick (thank you, Nor’easter), I found them some pressure point bracelets that help my friend, and my sister actually used them.
All this to say that I did my best to be aware – and when I was clear, I could let go of “should” and actually enjoy the cruise. And now, for the holidays, I can spend time with my chosen family. So that is all good.
After a summer of real nesting and introverted naval-gazing, I am looking outside now to see where I want to engage with folks. I am starting to reach beyond my known group, while making sure I honor my time and don’t overload (chilll, little go-getter).
Most important, because of the loving support of friends, I am going to all the doctors I am avoiding to straighten out things that have been going wrong physically. Not to the extreme you experienced, Bon, but I have been having “age-related” physical stuff come up. And I don’t like the feeling that I can’t do what I want physically. So a slate of appointments are coming up. I feel a little tweedy about them, but I also know that being an ostrich is not going to make things better.
And as much as insurance is a pain, I found a wonderful woman doctor at the practice who is a plain-spoken straight shooter who listens to the thinks I have to say. Being heard is such a GiFT! I feel I can express all my concerns, and accept that some of my conclusions might be wrong without feeling wrong about them.
Finally, I have have to bring up how all this relates to my next tier jump. I am so clear that the jump will not happen because I do all the right business things. I will happen because I am doing all the right self-care and healing things. Because the more I take care of myself, the more I can be myself. the more I can be myself, the better my work. the better my work, the more opportunities will present themselves. Not because of classes or social media or publicizing. Because I am a better, more content, more aware, more conscious me who knows her place in the world and revels in it. those are my lofty goals. And I am sticking to them.
HONEY!!! That! Is! Everything!! WHOA! 🙂 Sooooooooo good!
YES! That is exactly how the next tier shows up for us. I am so freakin’ inspired by all of this.
Also, wanted to note that this line: “I feel I can express all my concerns, and accept that some of my conclusions might be wrong without feeling wrong about them” is epic. What a GIFT indeed!
Congrats on going in for the med stuff, PITA as it is. It doesn’t get easier the longer we wait and I’m proud of you for showing up with your enoughness intact and just doing the damn thing. Congrats on the headway with fam too. Wow… your results are just glistening, baby! Yay! Way to do the work!
Thanks, Bonnie. It is a surprise to me that all of these revelations are pretty sobering, as opposed to jumping around in jubilation. Especially as I tend toward the jumping around aspect…….LOL.
Monkey mind wants to say “Well, where’s the excitement then?” And that is what I am contemplating now. There is a quiet voice in the background saying “Well now, that is th e question, isn’t it ? Let’s see what happens.”
And for the first time I am listening to that voice instead of looking for the adrenaline rush.
You’ve hit on something that has fascinated me about my healing process these past couple o’ years. When I would meet people who were on this journey, farther along through it than I, would always note how CHILL they seem. How very OKAY they are. With EVERYthing. It just felt so nice to be around them because their enoughness was just THERE. They were fully in their BEING state (vs. DOING state) and it was such a pleasure to notice that pattern.
I’m noticing more and more, that’s me these days. Wow! Whodathunkit? I’m CRAZY type-A. I’m SUCH an *on* personality. I rev HOT. I never stop. Except… OMG, I have changed. The adrenaline rush — as you labeled it — is just not a thing. No more dopamine hits over drama. And to not spike and dip all over the place? Holy balls, this feels GREAT.
Glad you’re exploring this. See if the pattern deepens.
such glory for both of you, women!
i’m cheering (chill-like) over here!
I thought this was an interesting piece exploring a complicated topic: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2019/10/22/sharp-rock-soft-pillow-the-balance-of-self-care-and-tough-love/
I can relate to the feeling of balancing and recalibrating self-care while trying to catch it before it tips into resistance – because giving in to resistance does not feel like caring for myself. Needing self-care and giving into resistance often feel similar to me, and I’m working on more finely-tuning in to myself so I can differentiate them. Does anyone else relate to this?
This is why we put Keith’s essay about poison in the orientation days of this program. (Here’s the post, if you need a refresher.) ANYTHING to excess is poisonous. So… yeah. Balance. 😉 It’s what makes any of this work.
The problem is, we’re usually soooooooooooo out of balance for self-care before we even consider granting ourselves the kindness of it that we really overcorrect or we get stubborn about never going back. It’s a bit like going from an abusive relationship to believing that all people are evil and therefore NEVER AGAIN on partnering. Neither extreme is healthy. And a healthy person knows there ARE extremes. 😉
Hence, all the self-awareness work that is at the core of THIS work we’re doing. First you’ve gotta know yourself well enough to know when you’re bullshitting yourself. THEN, you do the work, show up for yourself, and know when you’ve hit the little bumpy things on the freeway that let you know you’re nearing the edge of your lane.
Love this month! The quote from Dr. Gabor Mate hit a chord. And “It is safe to be still” works for me. Going to process and write in my journal some more. Oh so good. Especially with the upcoming Holidays in December. Baby steps but all so good steps. Thx again Bon! Mouah. xo
Love you!
Looking forward to the call tomorrow, this months self care relationship has been good,… thanks for all the direction, ..following on from the feel of what came up in last months thoughts,,,, felt quite easy in some ways this month, as part of my self care i think is in being pacient,, having more pacience with myself , in lowering my expectations, in being gentler , also disciplined which i general am mostly, in acceptance, going with the flow more, and sometimes not ,listening to music… not done enough physical work recently, have been very tired, but always give it some attention and short sessions of stretching or yoga or pilates, and some dance, if not lots of it as i like,…. Making some short plans and things to look forward to helps , a couple of short trips, and somewhere to be at christmas and new year that i will like,as i am not ready yet to make a bigger move but will have too soon inn the new year. Not to panic also part of self care, and to do less, not to worry, not to do anything i really dont want to do, when i want to be elsewhere,, booked to see a couple of things at the theatre, one ive seen, already inspired, making me feel i’m part of the world i want to be. Trying not to be hurt by anothers coldness towards me (my brother ) , to feel the hurt and trying not to fight for love and acceptance,actually i think he is partly reacting to my coldness but i am like that as he is not fulfilling anything for me, and i am changing my behaviour now , to anyone who makes me feel small.I have found that sometimes the reactions i get are suprising nd not easy to handle, and not sure if i do handle it so well.
‘grateful for life’ so important, to feel grateful and value this precious life, to treasure every second , moment to moment is taking care of myself,stretching, taking time to do things, space, to do the work i ned to do moment by moment, quietly , to trust its enough, not to panic and close off, not to fill up the empty void, ‘people want the best version of us to be fully present’
‘ what’s the kindest choice i can make right now,. sometimes i feel able to do this and at other times not, afraid to dissapoint still, but it’s clearer than before that i can choose. Sometimes i have the urge though to instead of walking away from something when it doesn’t suit me, , is to try to explain or show my disapproval,, and that doesnt work.. ‘find ways to be happy without requiring others to be happy ‘
Bonnie the story about your mother and had she lived what you would have said to her, a beautiful story . i related to this . I think the last years i had seeing that my own mother adored me and admired method all the anxiety and worrying possessiveness, even jealousy and envy , was getting in the way, but we gelled when she let go of all the pretence . also now i found a book of poetry with a few poems of hers in and it says’ to Janet with love and thanks for unwavering inspiration form Mum 2005 so she had it then only i couldn’t see it as all the other stuff was interfering . i need to feel the love and energy as you say , soak me up now and let me move calmly , confidently, and clearly, and not let old quibbles and battles get in the way in the form of conflict and tension and disappointment with my own brother,
Both my parents equipped me with a mind and skills and experience to have the ability to enjoy life to then full, I’ve always really known this, even though i forgot it .
Chill from the ice coldness i feel from my brother , is it from a low enough ness and ego, or is it something else i dont know, but it is affecting me badly. i say i will not care and not expect anything from him , but it seems i cant win with anything i do right now, I hardly have any contact with him., the communication feels like tis broken down,that he’s not there at all, its painful to feel the void,.i have always wanted to fill it up with chatter and my creativity and now i want to try to leave it alone, i need to communicate with him about practical things and that’s not happening either,Its hard to accept that something feels dead, i still feel somehow i love him, but i cant be in this kind of non relationship , all on his terms, it takes away all my strength, I think that all the things i have said here about that are what drains me the most as he certainly doesn’t have patience or understand what i am doing or want to do,. and it feels cruel and unkind,
I read the Dips page and have many things to add to the list , which’ thrill me to the core, mostly i can do alone, and do them, maybe ‘need more things to do with friends and friends to do them with.Sitting around talking to friends usually doesnt help me, except sometimes in a crisis when i need to be heard and understood instantly , but hard to find anyone for that too,
I need sometimes more discipline to stick to my plan for the day, but im not doing too badly with that.
I liked ‘its safe to be still ‘ so much and it applies to my work too so often there is a dispersing of nervous energy, its a relief when i find i’m ok being still.
so till lots to work on in the self talk, but mainly with how i am affected by others and how it throws me off balance,
Temporary slow down of the momentum before the climb sounds good.
I hope my thoughts were not too jumbled to follow some thread to do with self care..
.
Love seeing you work this out. Trust there’s a time in the future where some of what feels complicated or cold right now WON’T feel the same way. Just knowing there’s a future you with a different relationship to something with which you struggle today can be a big relief and allow some of that energy to flow in a more gentle and soothing direction for all parties involved. 🙂
Hola ninjas! I can’t make the Zoom today but look forward to hearing you all on the playback, talking about RADICAL SELF-CARE! 🙂
Love you!
I’ve been transforming my relationship with self-care over the last couple of years & while I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, I’m realizing some reframing is necessary. As an upholder, it’s hard for me not to turn self-care into a check-list. As a perfectionist, I can get hyper-fixated on checking everything off that I lose the restorative purpose behind the actions. I will meditate, practice yoga, listen to Abe Hicks, journal, read, take my herbal drops – I have a long list of coping mechanisms. Some days I will do ALL of it. Most days I don’t. My old pattern is to beat myself up for missing anything bc that could mean I left room for my brain or mood to fight me. I’ve even worked myself up while trying to engage in self-care because I realized I would only have time to less than I planned. I couldn’t see the day as “productive” by my standards if I “miss” anything. I do that with a lot of areas in my life, not just in self-care. How can I let myself see that value in what I DO get to each day? I’m not incomplete if I choose to do one activity over the other. It is safe for me to take & leave what I need. Keith’s mantra of “everything I do is fun” from last month has been really helping me shift my perspective on how I approach the actions I take throughout my day. I’m not a failure for not doing it all. The fact that the word failure popped up lets me know that I’m identifying with my doing as opposed to my being. If anything, I “fail” when I do all that & still don’t feel any better. I was letting the doing define my mood, rather than being in what I choose to do. I can choose one action a day & that would be enough. Releasing the need to put so much pressure on every moment & action. Also making space to not be perfect at that. I’m building new patterns of thought & behavior. It’s okay if that takes time. What could I do with the space I make from not beating myself up for every uncomfortable feeling? Reframing self-care to be an act of love as opposed to hoping for survival. Self-care is to support me, whereas I was hoping for protection from the unpredictability of my emotions. Also learning I don’t need to find an answer for questions that pop up during introspection. I can let them flow in & let the answer unfold as my awareness grows.
Yesssssssssssssss! Oh, this is so delicious, Bianca. Love it! Love YOU!
Fellow upholder, here, and yes… when we turn things that are meant to be fun, relaxing, good for us, etc., into MUSTS that we beat ourselves up for NOT doing, we’ve missed the whole point of having ’em on the to-do list to begin with. There’s a great exchange from Friends in which Monica is stressing about all the things that aren’t coming together on time for starting the thing (the thing is either a dinner party or vacation or some other something that’s supposed to be fun, right?) and she says something about how awful it is that everyone’s disorganization is keeping everyone from being on time, “Because we have a schedule to keep because that’s when FUN is supposed to start” (paraphrased) and Phoebe says, “And CLEARLY not a moment before!!”
Because she’s making so much about all the prepping to GET to the thing so UN-fun that there’s clearly no fun happening along the way.
Ah… that feels like this, to me.
And the fix for this energy is that breath, that heartbeat, that extra “count to ten” moment of remembering the WHY behind the WHAT.
“WHY am I listening to Abe?” “To feel good.” Then if it’s not feeling good to try and FORCE five minutes of Abe into your schedule, you don’t get into a better-feeling place by forcing that to happen, even if you could succeed at it. The checking off of the list needs to be less about WHAT you’re doing and more about WHY you’re doing it.
Maybe even add to the list the WHY behind the things.
~ listen to Abe (to feel good)
~ journal (to feel good)
~ practice yoga (to feel good)
And anything you start to use as a weapon against yourself, stop EVERYTHING and ask yourself why you need to feel punished around self-care right now. Why it is that it feels unsafe to take care of yourself? That sort of thing.
OOf! “You don’t have to have your life put you on your ass…” Welp, I guess I did. I thought I was doing pretty well with self-care. I try to get at least 7 hours a night, I have days where I don’t schedule too much (or anything) and I was just rolling along. And then last week, in fact the last few weeks I started pushing again — lots of commitments, lots of meetings, events, etc. And boom! Last Sunday I, quite literally, fell. Actually not on my ass but on my face. I did a face plant. Yikes! At an event at the Mayor’s house, in front of a bunch of people (not the Mayor, thank goodness!). Oh, they called 9-1-1, I cut my lip open quite badly, probably cracked a couple ribs and maybe had a slight concussion. Lots of bruising and soreness all week and I have, literally, done virtually nothing this week. I didn’t set any alarms, I cancelled all appointments, and it was heaven. And I got completely bored. So, actually, I didn’t “do nothing” — after a day I started writing in the afternoons because… I needed to do something! But wow! What a BIG message from my body and my psyche. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF KATHI first! Okay. Message received. I don’t think I need quite this dramatic a message and I have decided that the next few weeks, when things usually get VERY busy for me, I am going to make sure I schedule time for me. Naps (for sure). Down time (for sure). And I’m not going to overschedule myself — I will make sure I have at least one down day per week that I can just do nothing… or at least do whatever *I* want to do. Gonna take a good look at that DIP kit for some suggestions!
Good, Kathi. You’ll be so glad you ritualized walling off time for yourself. There is NO downside to it! And for sure, letting your brain know, “It is safe to have down time” before it has to create ways to force it is exactly how we prevent such dramatic resets from happening in our lives.
Sending you love and healing vibes!
Kathi – so sorry for your fall! i hope you’re on the mend.
i, too, had a literal manifestation (slipped down an escalator) and am reminded of taking care of myself (bringing moment-to-moment awareness) is so important!
that it’s “safe to have down time” reminder is SO IMPORTANT.
when i feel not-so-productive for whatever reason (and i feel like TIME is slipping away — there we go again!), i really want to remind myself of that. otherwise i make myself feel like poop.
the zoom was wonderful y’all; i so appreciate each of your helpful offerings!
i’m usually pretty good balancing the micro and the macro when it comes to project, so applying that tool to placing best self in the macro and boundaries/potential disappointments/guilt in the micro is brilliant! i think there’s something there with NTZ (macro) and Wilma (micro), too, with which i want to remain mindful.
two questions from the end of the call —
are there good “promo” days for us in december?
and
modes? i’m a taurus sun (earth/fixed) — which you beautifully discussed — and leo rising + leo moon (fire/fixed). would you mind sharing how leo fits in with fixed and more of what that means? (obviously, i’ve got a lotta fixed happenin’ here!)
thank you, most handsome beauties!
Fixed of course for all three is the same dominance as Cardinal for all three of my big personality placements (Sun, Rising, Moon). So, the way you see me taking leadership on no matter what, you have the same amount of doing the work being your setpoint.
Perfect example: That spilled soda in Simple Studios during one of our SMFA classes in New York. You sprung to your feet to tend to it (I know you remember this moment and what I made you do next, sweetheart). What did I do? Your instinct is to do the work; my instinct is to show leadership.
The fixedness plays out that way. As for the fire of Leo, that’s got more motion than super earthy Taurus of course, but because it’s a FIXED fire, it’s like a firepit rather than, say, a Sagittarius fire — very fluid, thanks to being mutable.
So, a Taurus is fixed/earth — as planted and dug-in for the work as it gets. Leo is fixed/fire — that firepit (contained but roaring).
And then back to me: a Cancer is cardinal/water — showing leadership from empathy. Libra is cardinal/air — showing leadership by talking everyone else into executing her charming ideas.
Is this helping? We can do it with more signs if you’d like!
oh my lordy! this is SOOOOO interesting!
THANK YOU for the fire pit imagery. that really helps. it makes sense that i’m a fire pit rooted in the earth. totally get that. feel it in my bones.
i also hear you with that spilled soda example. i took that lesson as my habit of “being helpful/the host” which i do NOT need to lean into on the regular because that action/tendency pulls me away from my center.
that said, my attachment to WORK is a little baffling.
let me explain.
i know i’ll stick with a project through to the bitter end, even if it takes me FOREVER, and it often does! (phd, get in gear for the next tier, clearing out my apartment — still haven’t finished that one!, producing a show, etc.)
and i like gaining clarity on what’s really MY project and what’s one that i was “conditioned” to take on… that’s great!
but — here’s the thing — i’m NOT an upholder. i don’t actually love the HABIT of work, if that makes any sense. i wish i did because then i might get shit done faster and more effectively. i feel bad about myself because, in my estimation, i don’t really do the work my project takes on the daily, if that makes sense. hence why i’m a little confused about my triple-threat fixed mode or why it feels odd to lean on (even though i know it’s right — eternal fire pit rooted in the earth!)
this mode also makes me wonder if that’s part of why “pumping the breaks” is so loaded for me… (in other words, i haven’t done ENOUGH work to pump the breaks and feel SAFE TO RECEIVE.) ahhhh… that’s a loaded ding, ding, ding there…
i really like your last statement re: fixed in the woo-woo wednesday: “when their self care is ritualized, fixed-sign people do very well at maintaining the slow-and-steady-wins-the-race pace that suits them just fine.”
processing (um, doing the work!), is really something.
thank you!
Promo days for December:
12/2 (but it’s a void moon, so it’s a lukewarm one), 12/6, 12/11 for sure, 12/15 BIG for sure, 12/20, 12/22 (a little bit), 12/24 (so-so), 12/29 bigtime.
Have FUN! Are you learning which combos of moons and numerology do best for promo? 😉 Track those trends!
i’m beginning to see the trends. i see some overlap with GSD and promo days.
thank you!
here’s something i’m contemplating & wonder what you/others do:
if you are planning a marketing campaign of sorts (posting, blasts, whatever), i KNOW (for example) that most folks (Bonnie) execute with a specific schedule/days of the week.
so… knowing that, how do you use promo days to your best advantage?
does that make sense?
thank you & smooches,
questioner NTZ
and if i use the phrase “if that makes sense” one more time…
ugh!
i caught it!
I know you asked this in EC (vs. AA) but I’m going to answer you in tomorrow’s AA meeting so you can hear me talk it out. 😉 K?
wonderful!
thank you, sugar!
Oh geez, Kathi! Hope you’re healing easily.
Thanks, all, for your kind words and good wishes. I napped yesterday (a first in a while for me — yay!) and I’ve just been taking it kinda easy today — catching up with some loose ends, reading a script I have been needing to for a few weeks (really? Weeks?!) and feeling a LOT like “it will all get done in due time — no reason to stress about ANYTHING.” So yeah. This month has been a wake-up call for sure!
Holy Toledo! The ZOOM. So much GOOD STUFF!
When Keith said that our inner panicky voices need to be heard, I wanted to weep, because I’ve been doing a lot of inner child work and “dark journaling” (journaling in the dark to completely remove any judgement and simply get the words/emotions out), and the thing that came out this weekend was my inner wounded child saying, “See me. Hear me.”
And then Bonnie’s offer to experiment with “Let’s see what happens.” GORGEOUS. That’s been my inclination too – to play and simply try stuff.
And Dr. Stephen Porges’ “no such thing as a bad response… there are only adaptive responses” was super helpful, Bon. Thank you. And “Trauma is a chronic disruption of connectedness.” WOW! That blew my mind, because to me, it means really amping up meditation or whatever tool I have to find my safe space and be connected. “That boundary was for me, not for them.”
A lot of this self-talk makes me think of “Inner Bonding” by Dr Margaret Paul. It’s something I’m working with and has been very helpful in gaining clarity of what my inner child wants and how I call upon my inner adult or higher self to find the truth and create loving support for myself.
May we all find our way.
I always love how you round up our work, Laura. Love seeing it all through your eyes. Love you! Glad you got so many good takeaways. 🙂
ditto re: the laura round-up!
thank you, laura!
Ohhh I’ve never heard of dark journaling! This is so cool. Thank you Laura!
Here’s more of Laura’s brilliance on that, Bex.
Laura, all this rings so true for me as well. I grew up thinking I was invisible, that people didn’t really see me. It came from the Catholic and military training of being seen, not heard; work hard and be the best, but asking for recognition is prideful and selfish. Do for everyone else, but don’t ask anyone to do things for you. It (the emotion, the recognition – hell just the simple acknowledgment) was all going in an outward direction, and I was trained not to ask for, let alone expect, all those things to flow toward me.
Something in my soul rebelled madly – how else would i have know what my life’s work would be at the age of 16? I knew because being an actor was the only way for me to be able to express all my emotions, to overtly connect with others and EXPECT them to reach back in kind. I may not have know all that consciously, but I sure did know it felt a lot better to be on stage, then to be in Catholic school or representing my dad the Colonel in a way that honored him.
So I do what Kevin asked me to do when I went to the first Escape: be happy I am selfish and keep it going. Don’t let anyone put me down for it! It’s how I protect myself – whether in every day life or on stage.
I am so proud of you for all the work you are doing. I can’t wait to see more and more of your deep dark. I am betting I will love it just as much as your outer cheery, positive self!
oh deb — our shared catholic upbringings!
i’m so grateful for your work and how you’ve reconfigured honor and care. (which, for my money, is really what the teachings are!)
it is such a joy to witness you, Laura, and each of you – !
Constance – thank you, darling. Come on over, because it is so much easier, so much more comfortable to shed all those “shoulds” and revel in NOT feeling bad or guilty or not part of. It is so worth the work. it’s all lightness on this side of the line!!!!
thank you, sugar!
i’m trying to do just that; it’s a fairly constant endeavor.
but to be honest, i’m feeling a little spent and tired of working on myself. i really want to feel good and confident about who i am and what i do and let go of all of all the work i do. [um, enoughness much?] i’m exhausted and i just don’t feel like i’m sitting in a better place in reality, even though intellectually & somewhere in my body, i know i am.
i had an audition yesterday that sent me down into poopland & not because i may not book the job, but because of me. i was so freakin’ excited & grateful to have an audition, felt pronoia that i could change my schedule to accommodate and have a day as an actor, & so happy to do the preparation & coaching. i felt super-centered with a great mindset before going in.
coming out — not so much.
fucking hell. i’m tired of this pattern—how much more do i need to process and learn before my mindset is firing on all cylinders and i can relax into my work, esp. at an episodic casting?
i recognize that this is a poop-party here. it’s what i’m feeling today. thank you for the space to share without apology.
i will ramp up some self care today & take care of myself, of course.
love y’all.
One of the things “they” say about this work is that at some point, to create the most meaningful shifts in our lives, we have to get really fucking tired of our own bullshit. This sounds like one of those kinds of experiences.
You’re in the messy middle, babe. It’s real. But it’s also temporary. Stay the course. Keep showing up for yourself… even if the form “showing up for yourself” takes on any given day is to completely clock out of this work, eat a pint of ice cream, and VEG OUT. It’s all good.
Hey Constance, I KNOW. It’s like living in Suckyville.
I have a question: how did you feel WHILE you were doing you audition? How did you feel in the moment of acting? It sounds like you did all your prep. You were grateful. Is it just habit that when it’s over and you walk out, you automatically go to what was wrong? Or is it possibly the letdown/depression that the acting moment is over?
I am curious what that middle portion is. Because if the acting part was good, then the poopville part may be more habit than truth.
Just wondering. Hang in there doll.
Ooh, great questions, Deb! You’re getting so good at this!
bonnie & deb – !
thank you glorious women!
bonnie, i know that this is part of “contraction-ville” after what i would deem some pretty incredible expansion this past august/september. thank you for your confirmation. my tools are much better, esp. in terms of my self talk. so that’s a blessing. and, while i had NO DESIRE to attend the theatre last night, i stopped my work, took a shower and made myself put on a DRESS to go out. somehow that shift helped & already i feel better today.
what frustrates me (deb, love), is the repeat habit of what seems to happen in the middle: it goes so quickly and i’m not SURE of how present i was, but i suspect that because it feels so fast, i wasn’t 100% present and bringing in my a-game/all that i had rehearsed.
now, that said — i know i was self possessed, i didn’t push, and i got several takes & listened to her direction. this was a co-star ONE LINER, folks. i knew my job was to get my patient to the OR going into the room, but somehow, i lose that center.
and BECAUSE i was not 100% present, you are absolutely correct, deb — i feel a loss when i walk out. i hate goodbyes in general, and i’m sad when a moment to act is over, especially if i didn’t feel i got to live it completely.
i KNOW this is all mental gymnastics — again, this was one line and my demeanor and delivery was probably fine (and besides, i’m not booking it; i look like the sister of the star of the series with whom i’m speaking).
what i’m frustrated with is that despite all of the goodness of my mindset and work in preparation (and folks, i take it seriously — i worked with a coach on this and gave my character the dignity she deserves), i still don’t seem to hold onto all of that in the moment.
(and then, of course, when i put on my black dress and crawl into my hole, i load it all down with “fuck, what’s freakin’ wrong with me? am i EVER going to audition well and book a job? i’m so tired of feeling sub-par. bullshit, self-loathing, fun, fun, fun.) i get it. i’m not even sure that person is wilma. that’s probably wilma’s twin sister, thelma, wearing the long black dress!
i know we’re getting a lot more “technical” here — i really didn’t mean to get so specific to my personal details, but here i am.
one thing that crossed my mind as an action for next time is that i DON’T engage with the CDs as i’m escorted to the room/walk inside/whatever. maybe my short friendly connection — whatever it is — is pulling me away.
i never go on & on. it’s always a check-in moment of courtesy so-to-speak, but maybe i gotta dump even that brief exchange that for myself. if they ask how i’m doing — a quick short answer “fine, thanks.” i KNOW that’s gonna feel uncomfortable, but i’m just wondering… anyway, it can’t hurt to try it.
and it makes me wonder if that’s part of what we’ve been discussing re: my potential brand confusion. yes, i’m the host. it’s what i do. but my straight-shooter get down to brass tacks character may get belied by my gracious demeanor…
So, when this sort of thing happens to me — especially the longer I’ve been at the work of recovering Best Me and excavating enoughness — I see it as rumble strips. Those are the bumps at the edges of the road to let us know, “Hey, you’re about to cross out of the lane and cause a problem here, jackass. Stay alert. Stay awake. Stay in your lane.”
I see that jarring feeling of the rumble strips of enoughness to be a GOOD SIGN. It means I’ve gotten so used to staying in my lane that it’s a bit of a shock when I drift out and am not aware it’s coming. Because unlike upper-limit problems we can see coming (knowing we’re going up for a role at a higher tier; working toward a goal and making good progress and feeling those edges coming at us as we go), the daily life of just DRIVING sometimes puts us into auto-pilot a bit and that’s when we coast over and hit some rumble strips and it feels like shit.
It’s supposed to.
Our work is to quickly get alert and focused on the bliss that is staying in our lane, not taking for granted that this work is ongoing… and the times it feels the most like shit are gorgeous indicators of how much more comfortable we’ve gotten living in a state of enoughness. We lose our tolerance for being out of alignment.
Good.
That’s the point. 🙂
oh my goodness, Bonnie!
thank you!
this is absolutely beautiful and such the tonic to throw on thelma when she appears!
i still want to investigate what happens to me “in the middle,” but recognizing those rumble strips for what they are is nothing short of brilliant. so helpful!
THANK YOU!
Wow, okay so many incredible insights from all of you in this thread.
And this just being the cherry on top. Thanks for this analogy Bonnie. Beautiful. <3
Took some time with the self-talk section. With the questions as a prompt (“What are you constantly feeding yourself about what is possible? What you deserve? Who you are in the world? How things are meant to be for you?”), I wanted to brainstorm new self-talk options, cultivating my Inner Ally.
I found the “I deserve” and the “how things are meant to be for me” were a bit sticky. I generally don’t believe in the general use of the term “deserve”, but I’ve come around to defining it like I deserve, because we all deserve, and me saying “I deserve” is NOT me saying anyone else *doesn’t* deserve it, which is my mother’s story that I hear echo through my head. I had a slow time coming up with how things were meant to be for me for similar reasons. Reminding myself that my acknowledgement of these as Inner Ally thoughts for me, doesn’t mean they’re not meant for other people too. <–deffos will be exploring this story with a focus on softening it.
I've also not often thought about what's "meant" for me, to avoid entitlement, or resentment….but with the tools from the past 11 months (expectations specifically) I'm excited to find ways to keep it light. I heard my mum one too many times lament "what was meant to be," so I have an extra dose of resistance here. I am already beginning to detangle this emotional attachment to a story/belief that isn't mine, and create my own relationship to these words –more as a positive inner-world community, a manifestation.
Sharing my brainstorm here as an offering, and as a commitment to myself.
Who I Am
I excel at what I do
I have space for myself
I have time for myself
I do great things
I have great people in my life
I bring out the best in others
I am uniquely me
I do right by myself
I am vulnerable
I am strong
I am wise
I am kind
I am learning
I support myself
My contributions are impactful
I am independent
I am community-oriented
I am collaborative
I am soft
I am flexible
What Is Possible
Abundance is at my fingertips
I have access to all I need
I am on my own side
I have boundary-setting skills that allow my relationships to flourish authentically
I'm in win-win situations
I feel all my emotions, and have to tools to manage them
I can handle this
It's easy for me to make money
What I Deserve
I deserve to feel good about my body
I deserve to live my life for me
I deserve to pursue my interests
I deserve non-interrupted thoughts
I deserve space to feel any and all emotions
I deserve to know myself
I deserve to be at ease
I deserve a full human experience
I deserve a clutter-free life
I deserve clarity
I deserve a fun, healthy, expressive sex life
I deserve friends with like-minded sensibilities (growth oriented, nourishing, celebrating, etc.)
I deserve friends who push me to grow
I deserve friends who I admire deeply
I deserve friends who admire me deeply
I deserve to believe in myself
I deserve to believe anything is possible for me
I deserve emotional intimacy
I deserve boundaries
How Things Are Meant To Be For Me
Things are meant to be growing
Things are meant to be exchanges of energy
Things are meant to be flowing
xx
Ooh, this is so glorious and lovely! WOW, Em, really good. I love how you’re disentangling the mother-fed ideals in particular. Just knowing that stickiness is there allows for so much more space to come into the convo now. Really gorgeous work, all the way around! Your lists are like poetry. 🙂
2 quick things –
After that quote jumped out at me earlier this month, I put Gabor Maté’s “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress” on my wishlist and someone just sent it to me as an early bday gift! (Sag fire up in here). So excited to dig in!
Also, as someone who struggles to separate doing from being, I just heard this phrase and love it –
“Your work isn’t what makes you great. YOU are what makes your work great.”
It feels like such a clear reframing – a reminder that taking care of myself so I can show up as Best Me will allow me to do the work I want to do in the way I want to do it. I’m writing it on a post-it and hanging it in my office 🙂
Wishing everyone the best as we enter the holiday season. I’m going to be practicing some boundaries that haven’t been in place previously, so here’s a reminder (that I need to hear) to be gentle with ourselves as we work to implement new practices.
((LOVE))
I *love* that work/great reframe. Thank you for sharing it! Absolutely wonderful!
Also, having seen you in person recently, I can say your enoughness is very real and I think the holiday boundary work is going to go very well and present nowhere near the stress that lower-boundaries did in the past. Excited for you to discover the new normal with everyone!
That Gabor Maté book was a gift to me as well (from one of you glorious people, actually). It’s dense but so good to thumb through, consume a bit of, then let percolate a while. At least for me! 🙂
<3 <3 <3
Love that this is the theme/idea/focus for this month. It’s been a big month of moving home this month and all the ripples that come of that – making room for it in my schedule, the physical demands, the emotions that resurface or get triggered. Also Just. So.Much. To.Do.
I have found myself showing signs of anxiety in a way I’m not used to: racing mind, pulsing muscles, heart pounding. I even have thoughts of ‘Is this okay? Am I allowed to have this?’ The answer of course is YES. But funny how the lizard brain is hard to convince, no?
I have felt guilty for my self care. I haven’t felt guilty about it in a long time. Yet at times my body is too sore and tired to do anything – exactly like Bonnie’s journal talks about. If I don’t feel 100%, I can’t drag my body through space no matter what it actually wants. I am looking forward to downtime this holiday weekend and to tap into rest, self care, and reflections. The heavy lifting (ha!) is done for my move so I can drop the to do list and listen deep to what was stirred within me.
More than ever I feel a new season coming and it’s all the things I’ve been asking for. The big leaps, exponential growth, and glorious connection. Yet creating the space to accept I am allowed to have those things and deserve them is I think where I need to put focus next. Why’s the good of living my wildest dreams if I feel bad about it? ❤️
THIS!! Yes! Because if we carry around any bad feelings about getting what we want, OMG, what torture we end up creating for ourselves. Sending you so much love for a nice little holiday reset this week!
Almost the end of the month and its felt good, all this exploration and attention to self care, felt like i was sailing through,flowing, and i think he swimming image is good to have always , in everything, I usually actually swim a lot, feel at home in the water i like it, but haven’t recently, just because of circumstances, and logistics, but I will get back to it when i am in the right place for it. But that is real swimming and you were talking about swimming as an image and pushing the water etc which i loved, My first acting teacher used to often use the image of that its like swimming,
I see that i require an open clear space to have my things, books , place to stretch .with light if possible, and also darkness at night in order to sleep.I would like to feel some air and nature and also require other people, and access to the city…
I thought a bit about the triangle, and have been the victim in it a lot, for too long , very comfortable, keeping others happy, even when i knew i was i stayed one ,until i rebelled, harder now for me to be there, hard to be the villain in it and sometimes i rock the balance it seems i can be one its easy, but when i have more space and calm to think i can manage to be the victor i think much more often, (if i am understanding correctly the traingle analogy, I liked the way you explained it Bonnie in he call and it seems very clear,.
Sometimes one has to be clever and not prove a point or preach to others as they will not understand. Just behave differently or move away, I think i may be sounding a bit superficial now, i need to go deeper with this…
I find lately i am being offered things , invitations etc by some people, old connections in which i dont feel entirely comfortable, i mean i dont really feel the connection, and dont really feel like taking them upon on it,, i feel i am being not nice or unkind, but the truth is i am not that interested,, in the past i may have been upset that they were not interested in me, and tried to prove something to them .
Sometimes i have stayed small in order to seemingly be taken care of, needing to please, but it has held me back big time i don’t need these people at all of course, i havnt really found mine yet,,, but i am liking a lot more people i come across, and see potential everywhere . Maybe it is that i am becoming more of the leader that i am meant to be due to this work, and so am beginning to choose what and who i like again,
Sometimes when i have come across some brilliant minds and talents and got to know them i have felt a pride in knowing these people. as if i was grateful they paid attention to me and valued me , and i see that i need to see this in myself, and move forward with pride in myself and joy in being myself It all is maybe too many words to say one thing , but as it seems to be a safe place to share here and i am grateful to be able to express myself and feel i am heard i am just allowing myself to flow with my thoughts,
In some of the past stagnant ‘friendships ‘ (not sure what to call them i feel stuck and weak even through people can say all sorts of things to you, thinking or saying they care about you , they are taking care of you. I also maybe need to learn to like certain parts of someone and not others, my therapist said to me something about that, I see see things quite black ands white often,
Taking care of myself is also to accept to be alone while /until good things , people, come.
The people who see you see you and your are safe, even though you may feel for a minute you are not.
One friend i stayed with last week in munich ,i went to a concert the played in, who i know values me, we were walking in the mountains and she told me i was speaking very loudly and just getting worked up, she said she didn’t mind, but maybe not good for me and she was right as i was just going over repetitive dramas frustration and when i quietened down and listened and talking quietly i felt much better and more prepared for what i need , more connected, Sometimes i go on and on and its a waste of energy.
I also recognised i have people who think or say they are taking care of me but they are not, It is all about them and hard for me to break it to them , to break the spell, the myth,
This was not the case with this person, I also felt a joy for her success what she was doing , both professionally and personally and can see that her self care and life style has been since i knew her a few years ago always of the kind you talk about here , of sleep and eating and boundaries and relationships and hard work,
As far as work go.s i havnt mentioned much here recently Hoping that the self care and feeling better will help my approach / is helping my approach to everything i need to do,
I have had no auditions at all so cannot see from that angle if it is helping me but am on a better road,
I want to book a private coaching session with you soon Bonnie , to talk to you about a few things , and plans that in have to come to the US. and to help me to see what i can do meanwhile,
I was in contact with my agent briefly, but there has been nothing at all, he sent me something asking me what i thought of a breakdown of a student film no pay . I told him that i vowed not work for no pay any more as it got me nowhere, and just asked him to ask a few questions about it in case there was any reason that it might be worth me doing it, but have heard nothing, Even though i decided this no line, i did find it not easy to say it to him , and it took me 2 emails, one longish one , and one very short saying that i would have to know ,much more about it to say if i was interested or not, not just the wild description , and i could see was not going to be a good idea,. i start to doubt myself and then am unclear,
You see my integrity i lose often by beating about the bush , being gentle , polite, nice and the truth was the second email, So i think there is nothing happening and i need to not be afraid to say no even so.
It is maybe the3 resting point before the climb. As you know its been a hard year and few years and i need to be patent and kind with myself and my situation and that needs to be most important, But when i start thinking or talking about ‘ work; and agents and and possibilities , lack of possibilities, , money, audtions, i start to become and sound very anxious still. I’ve read some other people here have talked about similar feelings which i identified with too,.
Hoping and trusting that pacience and focus on the right things will pay off, but also know i need to be proactive more when i am right now, .
It is a time for me of reassesing, and renegotiating everything, and am grateful to have this space and support for this.
The fear is still there hugely if i think of an audition or meeting i can feel frozen and shaky all in one,
The zoom call i find very useful , its not easy to talk to other people on it and express yourself, Sometimes i feel i am glossing over things although i have been finding a lot of light and pleasure in the calls and love listening to it all, i make notes and where I’m look later on there is so much there i have learnt and absorbed and thought about,
I always in then past before was an actor, early on, gave a lot of attention to the tension i had in me and knew that i had to ‘stop’ to ‘do’ all the things i was doing to disturb myself all the time, and that i will discover things – and now full circle i have come back to this, with this work .The acting had put me in a huge state of tension, and ambition , and and this needing to be validated, , as if not being a ‘successful actress’ i was worth nothing , and not even being able to see the little sparks of ‘success’ along the way.
Which of course i know to be untrue and have already done a lot of work to help see all that that in the GIGNT of course, But it has affected me badly , all; the tension and feeling ‘not enough’ , the underdog ,or something, I gave it all far too much importance and lost my specialities 🙂 and charm and own way of expressing myself …
The money part is also a big problem though as at the moment i have no regular income coming in and once i finish my savings soon it will be difficult, . This work i hope will lead to something more in my acting career and i am thinking of other ways i have earned money in the past which i could start too use a bit again as well perhaps but i am not there yet, And i am not sure what else i can do apart from that.
I’m going away for the holidays to Israel to stay with good friends where i feel at home and looked after and hope to start the new year with energy to do what i need to do here with the house and then to make a move and i hope to make myself a base somewhere else but the road is not clear yet..
I liked the conversation with Cathi i think it was and Kieth about maintaining your integrity and expressing when you are feeling something is not right in a collaboration , and negotiating it and all the possibilities that could happen that was talked about . I think i can learn a lot from that , as infant it very hard and i respect the people who do it, bravely , Even when i have been on the other end of this , i have felt hurt in one instant and years later been approached but he same person to work with them as the heart was in it and i was never really hurt by them.
What is the kindest choice when it comes to honouring your schedule between now and the end of the year, ‘
I think it is to take it slow and easy, do what i can do, respect my space , and time and what feels good ands gives pleasure .
You said Bonnie in your last comment after what i had written , that some of what feels cold right now wont feel the same way and to allow some of the energy to flow in a more gentle and soothing direction for all parties involved . Just after you said that i did notice that there was maybe already a alight shift there which was amazing to see, I don’t expect anything now but am surprised at a bit off goodness now and again, and that there is still a connection,
I also can see now in relation to some of the people i mentioned there , is that i am very strong and so must see that , and learn to leave behind some of the mistrust and resentment and rise above it,
My word for this year was heart i realised not love as i thought yesterday but its similar .
Joy and enjoy i had never before even given the word a thought , that en-joy was in joy , made of joy!
My mother said in a poem she wrote about my birth that they should have called me ‘Joy’ as i brought them so much joy when i was born ! She loved life.
Another word i thought of perhaps was ROOTS and threads,
My low bank balance and dwindling savings and fragile position could lead me to panic and worry making me behave in a tense way or do things that will not help me at all in the long run,
I am trying to trust , to take care of myself , as if all is all ok, will be ok , as if i deserve its to be taken care of, if i don’t , then no-one will.
Thats all i can say right now,. The time has flowed past, Time to eat,
Thanks to everyone for all the thoughts and thanks Bonnie .
You’re doing great. 🙂 This is the work!