In March of 2013 — fresh off my life’s first major surgery — I sat in the speakers’ lounge at SXSW and checked my email.
In my inbox, two emails of note: One from a Self-Management for Actors student offering me tuition to an online entrepreneurial course that would absolutely impact my life in complex and phenomenal ways far beyond what was taught in the course itself. Another from a Self-Management for Actors student offering me tuition to the upcoming Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within weekend in Los Angeles.
First of all, how awesome are my clients? Y’all fucking rock. FACT.
Next, I took it as a sign. Here I was bravely traveling way earlier than I had been cleared to do so by my surgeon and the reward was the timing of these amazingly generous offers. I said yes.
Due to my physical limitations, there was plenty I was not equipped to do (*ahem*, walk on fire? Yeah. Bad idea for my adrenals at this time) and I only experienced about half of the amazing weekend in Downtown LA (even got a room at The Standard so as not to spend hours driving each way each night and day so I *could* experience as much as possible and have the ability to take naps throughout the day in my hotel room or poolside on the roof of the gorgeous hotel).
Yeah, I wanna experience another Tony Robbins course at a time when my body isn’t fighting having been invaded first by a growth and next by a surgeon trying to protect me from that growth, but I’m still so very grateful for what I *was* able to enjoy about this bizarre and intense weekend downtown.
Very clearly, I was meant to — at an extremely vulnerable and open state — experience all that I did in this jam-packed weekend. It’s a bit like how Keith and I came into one another’s lives as we had each undergone a trauma. Like, we never would’ve been vulnerable enough to open our hearts so fully to each other had we met under normal circumstances.
The big takeaway from my experience at the Tony Robbins weekend was this: There are six human needs that are met by all our choices, beliefs, attachment to emotions, and behaviors.
When we meet any THREE of these needs with ONE efficient behavior, we risk addiction. Because of the efficiency of that ONE thing creating a payoff for three human needs simultaneously, we will have to really work to let it out of our lives.
NOTE: I realized as I got toward the end of shooting this vid that I had misattributed the quote I shared about getting credit. It’s a Harry S. Truman quote, not a Calvin Coolidge one. I tapped into my “care less” muscle (even though I clearly couldn’t “care less” about the weird stuff my hair was doing during the shoot today) and decided I’d just tell you here rather than reshoot or even do a text overlay on the vid about the misattributed quote. 😉
And with that…
From my notes in 2013:
In making this list, I knew that CERTAINTY was my #1. I grew up in a single-parent household after having had a very stable first few years. The chaos that followed caused me to cling to anything predictable. My OCD patterns emerged as a response to having no idea how we were going to survive and feeling out of control in my ability to help.
If you can assure me how things are going to be — even if HOW they’re going to be is “not good” — I feel safe. I feel safe in the certainty.
My secondary — as I wrote these words in March of 2013 — was SIGNIFICANCE. Keith and I always joked about how he believes we can best give to others without getting credit and how I believe without getting credit the give is useless. NOTE: I am saying this in the past tense. THIS HAS CHANGED in my life since 2013.
In fact, some of this changed right there in the Staples Center. It’s like I was punched in the gut, hearing Tony Robbins scream these things at us.
My most dormant from this list in 2013 was LOVE.
Wow.
How fucked up is that?
I’m not saying it’s better to be motivated by love than by the ego-twisted significance, but for the LAST of the six to be LOVE? No wonder I’ve spent my whole life sure I need NO ONE (and that anyone has been able to stick around in my life has been the result of their stubbornness winning over mine, nothing more).
Yeah.
Here I was taking breaks from the pumping-music rock-concert-style energy 6000-person on-our-feet jumping-and-screaming seminar to repack my wound and change my surgical dressings in my hotel room and I could feel the impact of this bit of information about myself more than anything else.
This SETTING of mine had to get fixed up. And fast.
Here I am on the other side of this list by four years and here’s what I can tell you: My new primary and secondary needs are GROWTH and CONTRIBUTION.
I try new things because they delight me. I challenge myself because it’s fun to see what might happen next. I surround myself with people whose intellect and charisma make it fun to “yes, and…” one another. I love to GROW through my every interaction. I’m not afraid of being changed because now I understand that growth doesn’t mean I *lose* myself. I improve upon my me-ness. It’s awesome.
I no longer care whether I ever get thanked when someone whose life I’ve affected holds up something gold and shiny. Sure, it’s fun when it happens but I no longer need the praise. I know what I’ve created. I know what I’ve built. I know who I am in the world. I know I have contributed. Good. I’m leaving this world a better place than I found it. No one can take that away from me. And it’s not by telling me I’ve made a difference that I made one. I made one. Period. The rest of it is ego.
Certainty is comforting and I can still see myself gravitating to its pull because of how dominant this force was in my life for decades. Now and then my ego will ask me to be significant and I’ll correct it by assuring it that contribution is the more aligned cause. Keith is in my life as a constant source of uncertainty (OMG, to live with a Pisces who celebrates “the eternal NOW of dog-time” was once so challenging to a formerly-certainty-driven gal).
And wouldn’t you know it? LOVE has become a much bigger part of the equation, though still not my top two. It doesn’t need to be. The bliss I get from growing while I contribute surrounds me with more love than I ever could have expected.
Holy shit. My life changed when I learned all of this at the age of 42 and I love that I know it can continue to change every day if I invite it in.
This is one of the reasons I love working with artists. We’re not afraid of change. In fact, we thrive on it.
I am so gratified by this life lesson — whether or not I got the firewalk that usually accompanies it — that I just had to share it with you glorious creatures.
What are your primary and secondary motivators? More importantly: What would you LIKE for them to be?
First of all, YOU fuckin rock!
Definitely coming back to this.
YOU fuckin’ rock! <3 Love you and love this. 🙂
This was absolutely MIND-BLOWING, Bonnie! OMG! I had to listen to these vids twoor three times. I did Tony’s first and then yours, but then I went back to Tony’s because I think your vid made his speech clearer for me.
I’m uncertain (ha!) about the “3 addiction” factor, because I feel like my calling to act is part of all 6 of these needs: the certainty, the uncertainty, the significance, and love, the growth and the ability to contribute. But we’re looking at what I lead with, right? My motivation.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel like I’m leading with Significance, to be recognized for my work. But I’m scared about that, ashamed as you said on your vid, because I’d like to aim for a higher purpose and see Contribution as my main motivator. But can I get beyond needing praise? I’d like to, but I’m still attached to it.
And it pisses me off that someone stole your work! Holy Toledo! But I’m impressed with how you worked through that and found more power (and it sounds like more recognition) by letting go of the need to control that. Fascinating!
“You should really go to Bonnie because she invented that.” YEAH!
Interestingly enough, my husband recently told me that he sees me doing everything for LOVE, that I am purposeful in my need to connect to others, to give and share love, and that makes me cry because that feels SO TRUE. But is that the primary or secondary? I’ve always struggled with ego vs. higher love.
I will say Contribution has been growing (ha!) for me lately, and I’ve felt good, sharing what I’ve learned with others, because I hope it helps them, I hope it gives them wings to soar. If what I’ve learned can help someone else win, we all win! 🙂
Like you, I also like to feel certain. However, I don’t think it drives me, but… I do read the end of a book because I want to know that the characters are going to be ok. That makes the story more enjoyable for me. 🙂 So perhaps that’s still a strong piece for me.
I’m also feeling the insistence of growth. It’s feels like an actual PUSH: “Just do it, Laura! Write, create content. Act in your own films. JFDI!”
Wow! “You’re ON PURPOSE.” Brilliant, Bonnie. Looking to connect to my own purpose as well. Good stuff! 🙂
it’s Laura 🙂
So glad you loved this, Laura. It’s deep work so definitely let it take its time to wind around in you now that you’ve started to digest it a bit. And just get observant. You may see tings you never thought of when you first started doing an inventory of this as you watched the vids.
I’d say it makes perfect sense that acting serves all six of these to some extent! I can easily say that my service to others with my life’s work is serving enough to be labeled an addiction. Not all addictions are BAD! 😉 It’s just important to note this about ourselves because we can push ourselves to overwork or ill-health just because that thing we love doing is so efficient at getting our needs met. And that’s when it becomes potentially unhealthy.
Keep coming back to this work! It’s big!
Thanks, Bonnie. 🙂 It’s funny how my ego wants a concrete answer now (Certainty) but my spirit says, “Answers evolve (uncertainty). Surprise! Enjoy the ride!” 😉
This finally got through to me, Bonnie: “It’s just important to note this about ourselves because we can push ourselves to overwork or ill-health just because that thing we love doing is so efficient at getting our needs met. And that’s when it becomes potentially unhealthy.“
So much about 2021 feels like it’s calling me to find my balance.
YES! I’m thinking a future month will be “Your Relationship with Labels” or “Your Relationship with Focus” — and those could even be two totally different topics, of course! But I’m noticing how often I’m labeling “I’m doing this because it’s giving me a dopamine hit and I need that right now,” and it’s such a kindness to just label that thing and not judge it. Hell, maybe “Your Relationship with Needs” is coming soon. 🙂
You’re the bomb dig, Laura! 🙂
Hi guys! Fancy meetin big you in “Mindset”! Haha I love this stuff! I’ve never actually heard Tony Robbins speak, and though his voice is a little intense (yours was a welcome change of vocal tone, Bonnie! ), this shit it DEEEP. I look forward to digging into this!!! Thank you for all these cool clips!!
Yeah, a little bit of Tony goes a long way for me personally, but his message is outstanding. Glad you dove in on this! 🙂
It felt to me like he was shouting himself hoarse and yet the message was important. Is that common at his rallies?
Like Liz said (hello, Liz!) I appreciated hearing your voice, Bonnie. 🙂
All good stuff!
At the four-day event I attended, it was nonstop shouting, jumping up and down, yelling at OUR row-mates, seriously ROCK CONCERT level energy sustained for hours and hours at a time. I had to leave and find a quiet place and just sit and journal every few hours because I “digest” better with levels vs. nonstop ANYTHING (but especially that yelling).
At the more recent Oprah event where Tony was a guest speaker for a couple of hours, he screamed the whole time, had us up and down at least a dozen times, had us scream at each other and compete to have the most energy, etc., so it’s just “his thing.” The philosophy behind it is that we take in the information differently when we change our STATE and so often our state is sitting at a desk in front of a computer or sitting in a car or whatever, he feels spiking the energy reminds us we can attain what he calls a peak state and then our goal is to BE in that peak state as many times throughout the day as possible (so much so that after attending his events, people will start using their bathroom breaks at work to go jump and scream and such).
This dude I adore recently wrote about how he bailed on the UPW event (that’s the same one I attended in 2013) because of that energy/screaming thing. His assessment of it all was pretty spot-on. https://okdork.com/why-i-walked-out-on-tony-robbins
Oooooooooooooooo. I know what I used to be driven by… Significance through contribution. I was the savior, the one behind the scenes making everything happen and you’d better acknowledge it if you want me to keep saving your ass. I didn’t want *everyone* to thank me, just the people who were out front taking all the public glory. I wanted them to acknowledge that they couldn’t publically take their praise without me, the great and wonderful OZ, doing everything behind the curtains. 😉
I’d say contribution is still my primary or secondary. But I could care less about significance these days (well, most of the time.). Growth is high up on my list, but, honestly, certainty is my primary motivation. I do want to be motivated less by certainty. My need for certainty is frustrating me right now because I know what my next step is, yet I’ve been hesitating to fully commit because it’s uncertain. 😉
This is helpful, now that I can accurately label why I’ve been resisting my next step, it’ll make it easier to overcome it. 😉
Right ON, Chandra! So delicious! Can’t wait to see how this plays out for you. XO
Following up after my coaching call this week and listening to these videos.
My needs are, as everyones’; all of the above. I feel like my focus on any particular need is contingent upon my life situation at that time. If a need is not being fulfilled, I’m focused on it. Obsessed with it, perhaps.
I feel like my Love need is fulfilled. I am so grateful for the ability to appreciate all the love that surrounds me. This is consistent throughout my life. I know I am loved and I actively give love.
I feel like certainty is on overload and without permission. I wanna barf all over certainty.
The needs I care less about are certainty and contribution. I feel like certainty happens all the time, so I don’t have to try to get *more* of it. And I feel the same about contribution – like I’m contributing by just interacting, producing, conversing, showing up. Love me or hate me – we all need someone to love or hate. I contribute to that social purpose by just existing.
I can’t believe I’m going through this here in the comments like this. Hey, maybe someone will be glad I did in the future. Anyway …
My needs that are NOT being met, and therefore I am most focused on, are: growth, uncertainty and significance. I quietly currently believe I need to reinvent everything about myself to satiate this triad. Seems like every 11 years or so I see a pattern of breaking it off with my Lover, moving to a new city/going out on tour, choosing a different performance discipline. I am really overdue. I’m bored! I’m bored, bored, bored with it and with me. I feel tied down. I’d like to find myself and my world surprising and adventurous again. I’d like to grow through pursuing the adventure!
And as I mourn the loss of a loved one – still – nearly a year after the fact, I’m seeing that that has more to do with my perception of life’s insignificance (and my own) than probably anything else. Why do any of us do anything we do, anyway? Does it *matter* that he lived and died? Does it *matter* that I am doing the same? Everyone I love is going to die and probably before me. These feelings and questions have been constant for too long – I’m bored with my certainty of our insignificance and my own stagnancy in this. I’m also hurt by it.
Yup, it all is a metaphor for my career, too. Desperately seeking something pretty to distract me. NEED it.
On another note, isn’t it funny how certainty and uncertainty are sort of identical.
Love you, hon. Sure, we can think that there’s no point to anything because it’s all just gonna end anyway or we can enjoy every bit of time we’ve got, which is the path I’ve chosen. I’m sure you’ve chosen it at times too. But, like our love for our partners, it’s not something we choose once and then that’s that. We have to choose it (and them) every day. Or not! But staying with it (or them) when we’re actively not choosing it (or them) is madness.
Love seeing you do this workout and hope you can see it as such. Workouts are always good for us, even when they’re challenging.
Great reading, great watching, and very timely for me (as we discussed in my coaching call, Bonnie). My question is about your last observation re changing how we’re fed. You have obviously done it, but from any other source I’d have rejected his concept thinking, rather than changing how I’m fed, I need to more fully accept and own how I’m fed. How do we dial up the fulfillment of meeting needs that are lower down the hierarchy for us?
Awesome, Richard. I’d say — before you’re “ready for it” (meaning, ’til it feels like it did for me in an, “OMG, I *must* shift this primary and secondary because they are NOT how/who I wanna be in the world”) — it’s more about just softening the primary while amping up one you’d like to bring up the ladder a bit.
As with all change we recommend, it’s turning a dial rather than flipping a switch, so if you see it as mood lighting and turning down the certainty focus and turning up the HEALTHY uncertainty (for example — and I chose that for you because I know your life is handing you that one a bit right now), you can lean into what’s GREAT about not knowing how it’s going to turn out, about not having a recipe to follow, about the mystery and delight of discovery (vs. feeling it’s chaotic to not be in control after you’ve been so rule-abiding and recipe-following to get results in life).
Remember that what we focus on expands, so if you’re hoping to turn up, say, growth (like I was and am), find itty-bitty places where growth feels good and give yourself a ton of credit for leaning into that. For me, this would be even GOING to pole class, even if I couldn’t do a trick and got frustrated. I’d say, “You’re in your 40s, plus-sized, and TRYING something that’s classified as an extreme sport in which fit, athletic 20-somethings excel. Give yourself credit for showing UP, girl!” That’s growth.
The fulfillment level will increase because you’re putting your attention on it and giving yourself credit for baby steps. So pick the one you want to bump up through slow, small progress and start leaning into that with loads of gratitude for every little success you see yourself having along the way.
That’s how I’d start!
Ok first – I feel like you and I have some fairly similar paths in our lives Bonnie. So many times when you’re sharing tidbits about your past, I have this “hey thats pretty similar to this aspect of my life/my past”, which is awesome and makes me feel a little more calm in my moments of discomfort. Someday I’ll be as badass as Bonnie, in my own section of life.
Second – I may be wrong, but didn’t Tony Robbins get in some legal trouble? I remember working at B&N and we got a new financial advice book in from *someone* and everyone in the stock room was mocking it because the author had gotten into trouble with the law re: finances or something, but I cannot for the life of me remember who that is now. Anyways, I also don’t get good vibes from his video, personally. I didn’t enjoy watching it, I felt uneasy, idk. Had it been any longer than it was, I would’ve turned it off. I much preferred your video, plus it made much more sense coming from your mouth.
Ok. As far as this stuff goes. I have been going through a huge period of discomfort, stress, depression, and frustration lately. its about 90% related to money and finances, maybe even 95%, and the rest spread out over lack of creative work/energy/still feeling like a newbie to Los Angeles without the friends/family/connections I had back in Seattle. I mean shit, in Seattle I was an empress warrior magician; throw something my way and I will conquer it and learn from it and get shit done. I will not only work two retail jobs, but I will also work on 3 short films simultaneously AND still find time to drop my friend some flowers and Starbucks when she’s having a hard day at work and hang out for a bit.
Here, I feel like a newborn kitten who hasn’t gained her eyesight yet and is howling for her mama. I’m adorable, but I’m useless, weak, and unable to function on my own.
I hate it. I really fucking hate it. And yet, until today, I felt completely unable to conquer that feeling.
So, that being said, I feel like being in this realm of discomfort and uncertainty, I literally feel like I have no idea where I rank these things with the exception of growth being number 1. If I can’t go out and experience new things that allow me to grow and learn new things, I am reading (or more accurately lately, listening to) books that are outside of my own life experience. Fiction, nonfiction, anything that lets me experience life through a new perspective.
I think certainty may be high up there, but then I hit periods where – for example – I know I need to check my bank account and make sure I know with certainty that I have enough funds in there for my bills and the postmates dinner I shouldn’t have ordered, but I will push it off until I absolutely have to check. (sidebar: I recently read a book about motivation, was it Better Than Before? Or maybe it was Mindset by Dweck… that may have been it… who discusses the difference between procrastination and someone who needs pressure to work well. I was one of those people in school who thought I was a procrastinator, but now that I’ve read that book I realize I needed the pressure for my brain to actually function optimally. In this case about the money, its probably procrastination). But I don’t think I enjoy uncertainty…. but then again I travelled alone for 3 weeks across like 6 countries and 11 cities in Europe, and would gladly do it again if I had the time/funds, and aside from planning the transportation and sleeping accommodations, I didn’t really plan anything else. But I do like plans, at least an outline of them, and I like to be involved in planning (especially if I know the people I’m with are crap at it), until I’m tired and exhausted of planning and just want someone else to take the reigns for a little bit and let me rest.
I think Love is fairly low, but I don’t understand if its genuine love, or more collecting relationships/attachments. I am a fairly private person, and while I will gladly talk to people, I don’t care for anything less than a genuine connection. I suppose it must be genuine, for collecting “relationships” would be part of significance maybe? I don’t know. Its a weird one. I’ve been ferociously independent for a while now, and moving here last December just re-affirms my need to not need to rely on anyone. My dad had to actually convince me to take my motorcycle into the shop rather than figure out how to DIY the fixes that need to be made. So idk, maybe I’m just not quite grasping this core of that need.
I think significance is pretty low. I like my anonymity, and if people give credit to me for whatever than I am happy to take it, but I rarely feel the need to be like “yeah no, thats mine/because of me”. It does still crop up occasionally, and it does feel good to get that credit, but am I motivated by it? I don’t *really* think so? Which is why I think Contribution is, at the very least, higher than significance. Or maybe I like the idea of contribution and just need to work on getting rid of the ego portion?
Unknown. But what I *do* know, especially after going over my Actorswork workshop notes and transferring them from one notebook to a new one, is that I haven’t turned away from this discomfort that has been tagging around lately. I have been attempting to find the correct turns through the maze that is this discomfort, only to stumble into some dead ends, but I am not pushing it away. And I know that means some serious growth is coming my way.
So, at least theres that.
Remind me, Alexandra, have you done the CLEARING OLD BELIEFS item yet? It’s in the Woo-Woo section. I think some of this discomfort could be eased by finding out what it’s rooted to and working on THAT old issue with the exercises outlined there. Might be worth a shot. Because if you could figure out what’s at the root of that discomfort, then maybe do another pass of THIS work, you’ll find you’re better able to label some of the things that don’t feel spot on for any of the six categories (like DIY fixing the bike, for example).
Not sure about Tony’s financial dealings… I don’t follow his work or news about him since his style is not so much aligned with mine. But as always, when I find something brilliant I can “yes, and…” to work out some of my OWN shit, I love sharing it with y’all since it may be helpful for you as well. That’s me: always curating. 😉
Isn’t it great when we can identify another pace car? If I’m that for you in ANY way, that’s awesome! 🙂 We’re all role models for one another, and the work we do to share and say, “You’re not alone” really does have value. I think it’s important to remember that!
You’re doing good work, kitten! XO
I have not done that one! I will go skim over it right now, and sit down and actually go through the day when I have more than 20 minutes before work. I had planned to check it out earlier, but my body decided it needed a 2 hour nap instead. Things will change soon, I am working to make that happen in a way that I can meet my financial needs and keep my balanced app above the line, which includes allowing daily content creation work.
Oh totally, when you explained it it made sense vs the way Robbin’s was talking, and I can feel that when I am more settled this is going to be very beneficial. I appreciate and admire the way you “yes, and…” with this amazing material. Thank you Bonnie!! ❤️
You’re welcome, darlin’! 🙂 I’m consuming a massive Flow Theory class these past two days and taking a ton of notes to go through and distill down to a “yes, and…” to present to y’all in the vault soon. Holy crap, it’s so much fun to take these principles and bring ’em into a more relatable SMFA-sized package to share! Looking forward to hearing how this settles in with you over time.
I wonder about the Significance part, too, Alexandra. I hate being overly praised for something I’ve done well, but if someone ELSE gets the credit for it, I’m like WHAT!? haha
Wow! This has really blown me away because it does put “motivations” behind everything in perspective. I think mines are Certainty and Growth which is what I think gives me so much anxiety! Growth can be a scary place especially when I don’t realize it’s happening or it just HURTS. I would like them to be Love and Growth. Mainly because I have a very similar story to Bonnie’s: growing up mostly one biological parent after being raised by two other beautiful humans.
Certainty and growth are tough ones to have as companions, since growth requires a leap of faith so much of the time. Looking forward to learning how you reconcile this! For me, I leaned into the growth SO HARD that I realized I *had* to get okay with a certain amount of uncertainty — and that perhaps that could mean I didn’t need chaos in my personal life because I could get my dose of uncertainty FROM my growth! And that started to feel a bit like… OMG… certainty to me! Like, “There *will* be newness in this growth I’m about to experience. That much I know FOR SURE!” somehow comforted the part of me that was weaning off the certainty addiction.
Really good! <3
I loved the Growth/Uncertainty overlap! I think that’s the zone I want to be in, too!! I wrote way too much stuff about it below. hahahah!
“I’m not saying it’s better to be motivated by love than by the ego-twisted significance, but for the LAST of the six to be LOVE? No wonder I’ve spent my whole life sure I need NO ONE (and that anyone has been able to stick around in my life has been the result of their stubbornness winning over mine, nothing more).” <– Oh, Bonnie. I hear you so loud and clear. Will definitely be looking more deeply at this one… Thank you! xoxo
You’re welcome!
I came back to it! This one CALLED ME today!
1) Thanks for your honesty, Bonnie! It’s always more interesting and helpful to see where someone was before they got to where they are and the humanity in that journey than just to be, like, “look at me!” haha. You continuously demonstrate your growth process out loud which is RULL GREAT!
2) That article about “Why I walked out on Tony Robbins” was a good-n-fun read! (and I particularly loved the gif of Tony Robbins “weirdest clap” ever. Ahahah!!! YES!)
3) My Needs! Oh my damn, I was thinking through some of my biggest believe systems and, IF POSSIBLE, I seem to be all about CERTAINTY and GROWTH:
CERTAINTY
– At my old job in a middle school main office, I HATED DELEGATING because I “could do it better alone”; I was only accountable for my own work and no one else’s, and there’s comfort in that. Though I never admitted it and shoo-ed off praise there (I don’t wanna be praised for being good at cleaning out a supply closet! COME ON!!!), I think there was a little bit of comfort in SIGNIFICANCE at the school which is why I stayed for so long. If you’re significant, people want you around. There’s no guarantees of that kinda thing in acting.
– STAND-UP COMEDY is a solo life, which is one reason I haven’t full-on pursued it ever, but there is much more certainty in it, then, say, improv. My script is my own. If it’s shitty then that’s on me. MY COMFORT IN CERTAINTY KEEPS ME FROM COLLABORATING WITH OTHERS SOMETIMES (my biggest venture was a SOLO sketch comedy show! haha)
– I RARELY MIX FRIENDS– unless they all happen to come to a show I’m in and meet there — because I’m afraid of the uncertainty of it (ESPECIALLY in today’s political climate; my friends/family are very diverse). I’ve been so controlling about these interactions for a long time (with some positive moments where I let it go!) because I’m afraid that my friends will like each other so much that I will become less significant to them (SIGNIFICANCE, GET OUTTA HERE!!) OR dislike each other so much that I will become less significant. Maybe the fear is loss of LOVE more than significance? The need for CERTAINTY PREVENTS ME FROM CREATING A TEAM, building a joyful community that I can be a part of!
GROWTH
– strangely, as much as certainty has RULED MY LOIF!!! I have a spark of REBEL in there! My grandmother used to always say “HAVE ALL THE ADVENTURES IN LIFE YOU CAN” (she lived til age 97 and traveled around the world with her 2nd husband at age 80!) and I always keep that in the back of my mind! I try new things with friends (one at a time! hahah), take safe but silly risks, interact openly with strangers, crave travel (more travel in 2018!).
– I left my job because I felt that it provided too much safety, preventing me from growing anymore as an actor
– I wrote a solo character show because I wanted to make a BIG GROWTH MOVE! GROWTH IS EMPOWERING!
– I tried to get my husband to crash a wedding with me at a hotel where we were staying for New Years (random trip!), but I think part of me knew HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT, so I was kind of calling my own bluff.
– There’s a Leeeetle uncertainty in some of these things (shake me up! Who knows what’ll happen!!?), but most of my “adventure” is planned in some way.
And then there’s my messiness at home. I don’t know what need feeds that behavior BUT HOLY HELL IT IS STRONG FO’ LIFE. haha
LOVE is always in my life in some way (wanting more of it!), but I’m less desperate with that need than I have been in the past, which allows me to be myself more and know that I’ll still be loved!
I think I need to lean more into UNCERTAINTY and CONTRIBUTION (combined with growth) so that I can allow myself to collaborate more! Contribute my humor to others and give them openings to contribute theirs! Lean into the fear and uncertainty!!!
The end. This was really long. Thanks. 🙂
Ok, I am going to process through writing this post.
I have lived with CERTAINTY as a motivator for so long and I believe so much of my struggle and interior fight has been my soul wanting to free myself from the restriction of living for certainty.
Heading into 2018, as I reflect on my goals, focus and attitude: it all centres around GROWTH ( I am in love with the word expansion and it pops up in my journals, goals, everywhere!). As I look at all of the actions I am taking, the relationships I am cultivating and the mindset muscles I am strenthening, I feel centred and grounded in GROWTH. I experience some discomfort around uncertainty, but when put through the lens of growth I welcome surprise and discovery.
I have to acknowledge and be straight up with myself and own that LOVE has always been a motivator: but previously in a very unhealthy and needy way.. So then maybe it was SIGNIFICANCE? Wanting to be loved, to feel loved, but also so terrified of being loved for all of me that it was always a back and forth: love me – but I am not worthy of your love -but I need it- but dont touch me! SO yeah, maybe it was needing to feel significant, then, not love. Hmmm, yeah that feels more truthful: I wanted to be significant… to others, to myself, to the world.
However, now I feel like with all the shifting and processing and opening and musclebuilding, I have shifted the love from a need (to be significant) to a state of being. Living a life of Love: leading with love and being so full of it that I overflow and radiate love. That feels so right.
I am so impressed with this work, Alejandra! Wow! Great insight. I’d love to know how this continues to permeate.
This was all SO incredibly fantastic and after watching the videos and doing some self-reflection some things about me and my behavior at times definitely makes sense now. My #1 need is to Grow, to continually better myself and my surroundings which makes sense because I am always making lemonade out of lemons and challenging myself. My #2 is that my life has meaning, a purpose. My friends say I am very inspiring and that my examples and sharing my specific #1’s helps them. That feels AMAZING. I do next have the need to feel unique, special and acknowledged and now I see how this is okay but how I have at times let it take over and cause negativity in my life when it hasn’t been met as I wanted. something to be aware of and let go of…… I LOVE uncertainty!! I used to work in an ER so this wasn’t surprising to me HOWEVER I always had a steady paycheck so I do LOVE the certainty of money! LOL I’m going to have to work on that one because things are all over uncertain with acting. LOL. I also realized that in my life I have confused having significance, being special with being loved and connecting with. hmmmm, sheds some light on some past relationships but will definitely help me grow in my relationship now. Thank you!!!!!!!!!
Great work, Stacy! 🙂 Can’t wait to see what you do with this foundation!
Love linking this with Day 2. “What needs do I want to lead with?”
Yes! So good!
Jaw on the ground – literally. I think my primary motivator is probably Uncertainty. I’m kind of in shock right now is that I have a really hard time controlling my finances. And, I just realized that maybe – just MAYBE – that is because it creates uncertainty. In a huge, negative way – but, it definitely creates it. I also have a horrible habit of self-sabotage. (And being a Rebel Tendency and a Catalyst Archetype – oh, my goodness, are you seeing a trend?)
My second motivator has got to be Growth. I devour new subjects. I check out 10 books on my new topic of the week from the library. I go down the TED talk YouTube rabbit hole on a regular basis (and don’t even get me started on the “Watch Anything” choice on the TedTalk App – that thing is crazy! It satisfies my need for variety, and I usually learn something new that I never ever would have looked up on my own.) Growth is definitely my secondary.
I think that my most dormant is probably Significance. Perhaps that’s why I routinely under-value my contributions to any project or to other people? And unfortunately, it may be why I don’t seek out the pretty important thing of BEING PAID? Hmmm, lots of things to think on here….
As far as what I would like them to be….
Growth could move up to Primary. That would be good. I love learning new things and stretching and growing. That would be easy to “grow” to a higher priority. haha see what I did there?
For a secondary motivator, I could probably go with either Contribution or Love. I feel myself leaning towards contribution because that is something I can control. I can’t control if people make a connection back to me with what I put out in the world. And, I feel like trying to make that a higher motivator could end badly. (Yes, I know that it is a motivator for everyone, but I don’t know that I should try to make it more important than it already is…)
And I do love Uncertainty so much that it would probably always be in the top 3. But, I can definitely see how I may be more likely to feed this need in negative ways. I am so good at shaking my own ship, that it is dead scary. I need to find positive ways to feed this motivator.
This lesson has been an eye-opener for me! Thank you so much for sharing. (And, I agree with others that your explanation was much easier to follow! And, really caused my a-ha moments!)
So glad you’re getting so much out of the vault goodies, Dawn. This one definitely sounds like a biggie for you and I love that you now know what you could try to lean toward if it helps you create some shifts in your life that would feel better. 🙂 Hooray!