You can have everything else in place, but without the right mindset, you won’t have a lifetime of success. Join Anna Vocino, Jack Plotnick, and Colleen Wainwright to learn the importance of a healthy community, tenacity, and focus. What is Friend Shui and why do you sometimes need to do it? How can your choices ensure that the phrase “struggling actor” no longer exists in your life? Find out now on Your Actor MBA!
Mindset: If your head’s not on straight, if you’re not centered, all the tools in the world won’t help you reach your full potential as an actor.
Community: Jack says it’s not hard to find your community. You just have to get out there and meet people (because your community can’t form from your sofa, no matter how powerful social networking may seem). Anna says that “keeping score is the kiss of death,” and Jack adds that “compare equals despair.”
Get Out of Your Own Way: Don’t let the negative, ego-based stuff rent space in your head. That’s valuable real estate and if you let negativity take up residence, it will spread like a cancer. Jack’s foolproof saying for combating this is: “I release and destroy the need…” (with the end of that sentence being whatever it is that you’re using to block yourself).
Tenacity: Jack Coleman told Anna, “Stick around long enough; they have to hire you.” It’s true, if you’re out there creating and building your community. Those of us who’ve been here a long time can tell you, endurance makes a huge difference.
Expectations: Come up with a release when you don’t book. “You don’t know what’s best for you,” Jack says. Being results-oriented will make you crazy. Give yourself time to grieve, acknowledge the feeling of loss, but then move on.
Friend Shui: “Sometimes, the ones closest to you are the least supportive,” Bonnie reminds us. Mitchell acknowledges that they mean well, but just don’t understand this business sometimes (see TIPS for Mitchell’s tactic to get his family up to speed with the journey). We teach people how to treat us, and we condition people to expect complaining or solution-oriented discussions from us.
Know Your Focus: Colleen tells us about a Sufi saying: “Comparison is of the devil.” It’s not possible for most people to avoid destructive self-talk every minute of every day, so the goal is to identify when you’ve “gone there” and get out and start creating again as soon as possible.
Struggling Actor: Who came up with the concept that artists must struggle? We hate this concept! Be more excited about the cool stuff you have going on than you are about the audition you have coming up. And get happy before the money starts flowing in, because money simply accelerates what you already are (happy, sad, addicted, whatever). You control your thoughts and every emotion is a choice. Decide how long you want to struggle and then decide to stop struggling.
Attitude: Mitchell talks about working with a life coach and choosing to go for five-year goals “right now.” Why wait? Go for it! Remember the kid in you who just wants to create, simply and freely. Remember at your core what’s important to you about this pursuit. Go have fun. Colleen advises, “Be a crappy realist.”
Gratitude: “Remind yourself how far you’ve come,” Mitchell suggests. Bonnie shares the analogy that acting at the professional level is like playing in the Super Bowl. Not every player gets to that highest level of excellence, and very few have names the general public will shout from the stands. But just by being invited to play—even if you sit on the bench—you get the ring. “Act worthy of the ring,” Colleen wrapped up.
When It’s Time to Quit: Jack asks, “If acting doesn’t bring you joy, why are you doing it?” Of course, so many decide to pursue acting but don’t spend much time actually acting and the pursuit is what brings them down. So, find ways to create to be sure you’re being fed, creatively, while you pursue. Remember that it’s okay to put acting on ice and come back to it later, if you want to. Your best years as an artist may come after a mental health break! You never know.
Jack says, “Your job is to do your craft. Find a way to be acting.” This goes back to last week’s episode on Self-Producing and how our guests stopped waiting for permission to do their art. Keep creating! Find a way. Showing the world that you’re an auditioner isn’t enough, according to Jack. You have to be creating.
Bonnie’s mission in life is to surround herself with the best people on the planet and make sure they all know each other, so magic will happen. If you know brilliant, creative people and want to be inspired, make sure those folks know each other. That also takes the pressure of you being a source of inspiration. You will be, by making those introductions, but you won’t feel that you have to be.
Anna says that “having a rich, full life helps you through the downs.” We all have the downs, so don’t try to avoid them. Instead, wallow in ’em when they come, get through ’em, and get back out there to create something. Being creative is the ultimate cure for Actor Funk.
Never set a timeline for “making it” in this business. If you say, “I’ll give it a year,” all you’ve done is set a ticking clock that will drive you batty. It takes time to build a career in this industry. Enjoy the journey!
Bonnie loves to ask any stressful situation in her life the following question: “What are you here to teach me?” Because there’s a lesson in there somewhere, and the sooner we get to it, the sooner the stress can dissipate.
Mitchell taught his mother how to use IMDb-Pro, so she could feel like she’s a part of his journey without always hounding him about how this audition went or how that callback went. By getting a broad overview of the industry and how long it takes for booking even that first co-star, your family members can become more supportive and more constructive in the types of questions they ask about your progress as an actor.
Know that family and friends want you to be happy. So, if you can assure them you are happy—even if “happy” doesn’t look like they thought it would, when they created a picture in their minds of how you could (or should) best find happiness—they should stop worrying as much.
Megan Mullally told Jack to figure out how to not need the job. Everyone has a different strategy for this. There’s having that full, rich life outside of acting, which we’ve already discussed. There’s reading. There’s doing things not associated with the entertainment industry that allow you to give back, selflessly. There’s meditation. There’s walking the dog. There’s creating your own work, which is incredibly satisfying and gratifying.
Jack says, “Acting is easy. Making a career out of acting is hard.” Amen!
There’s a Cherokee parable that Jack shared about two wolves, always fighting one another. One is all the “bad” (anxiety, depression, anger, bitterness), the other is all the “good” (creativity, love, hope, gratitude) inside us all. Which wolf will win the fight? The one you feed.
As Joseph Campbell says, “Follow your bliss.” Truly, if you do that, you’ll enjoy the journey.
This episode of Your Actor MBA with your hosts Mitchell Fink, Bonnie Gillespie, and Marci Liroff was recorded on August 8, 2010.
OMG I LOVE THIS!!!! I feel like I’m at the coffee table with y’all!
I gotta add, Bonnie, the section on dealing with The Downs made me think of your marvelous piece on Dip Management: https://bonniegillespie.com/dip-management/
Good eye, Laura! 🙂 And yes to the sitting at the table with us! When we conceived of this show, it was modeled after Dinner for Five. https://youtube.com/user/DinnerForFive — You’re meant to feel as though we’re all just hanging out, talking shop! Hooray! (I have another half-dozen or so of these to clean up/update and put in The SMFA Vault for you. Glad to know you’re enjoying them!)
You know, Bon, The Vault is so vast! It’s like finding treasure every day! 🙂
That makes me happy! 🙂
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST PIECES I’VE SEEN YET!
It encapsulates so much of what this is all about.
I can tell you that having my family has been such a good thing for me as an actor and writer. Oh Lord. I remember when first started acting — it was my be-all end-all. It tore me apart if I didn’t get the job and I was always striving to get to the next level, and I always had an inner emptiness that nothing could fix or fill.
And if you’re only an actor, what the hell do you have to draw upon? How could you play a husband or wife or a parent that has true understanding? I mean, I guess you can and I wouldn’t want to second-guess anyone who has played those roles without experiencing them. My point is, the more fulfilled you are in your life, the more fulfilled you are when you go into an audition and then leave.
I was at an audition the other day and heard some guy coming from that empty place that I used to have and it was so so painful. I felt grateful that I’m not there anymore.
This is a good article about being an actor and getting married and starting a family:
https://www.backstage.com/advice-for-actors/the-working-actor/papa-was-a-working-actor/
(I’m quoted in it, for what it’s worth.)
I love walking the dog in the park and just relaxing and watching a good movie. Or reading a Stephen King novel. I had an acting teacher (the gifted Phoebe Brand, one of the founding members of the Group Theater) who said it’s so important to read and learn. That’s another way to become a good actor.
Anyway, that’s my take on all that you have to say, Bonnie. Thanks for this page. I am going to come here often.
Oh I’m so glad, Randy. And isn’t it wonderful to be on the other side of that place we once were? But so important to be really gentle and forgiving with that past version of ourselves too, of course. Love this share! Thank YOU!
I LOVE this. It left me with two separate topics I’d love advice/feedback on. For myself, all the work we’ve done together made this video feel natural. I’ve done and am operating at the level of bliss, joy, and commitment that you spoke about. I still need a bigger community and am in the process of building it. But I’m working on it and that’s what matters!
If I’m being 100% honest with you guys, one topic is not my own journey but that of someone dear to me. I’d like to learn how to help them but if you don’t want to address that, I TOTALLY understand as it’s not someone who is really in this community.
1) One area I’m personally struggling with the vapid, basic conversations that we have every dang day. The world around us has such strict ideas of what success is. With my semi-new support job (catering) I talk a lot about what I do and I find that I’m one of the only people who seems to enjoy the career of acting. Everyone is comparing, almost everyone is bitching. Then I’m over here like “I love this stage too! I get to create art on my free time and talk to cool people!” But I worry that people think I’m naive. More detrimental than anything else other people keep feeding this part of my ego which asks, “Why don’t you have an agent? You need representation to move forward.” Although I talk about the awesome targeting I do, or my short I just submitted, but in the end it’s still eating at me. My ego wants to impress random people with cool reps, or big bookings. What I hold onto, and take solace in, is when I really think about it, I’m so proud of where I’m at and am excited every day by something in this pursuit. My question is- how do I respond to that BORING question “who’s your rep?… why don’t you have one?…What have you been in?” in a way that redirects the question from the same conversation and prevents me from dipping back into those ego-driven fears?
2) I write this part to learn how to help heal others. I remember one day (not sure if it was in the vault or the 100 days) but we spoke about how after we’ve healed ourselves we should use our tools to guide others. The person who most needs my help is my ex boyfriend, who I met at my first TTT and is an amazing person/artist. For context, we only ended our romantic relationship because he was depressed and, after experiencing how amazing I’ve been since Jan 1, didn’t want to get in the way of my happiness or success with his mental health troubles. Although he’s a fabulous actor with decent reps, we both know he’s bitter. He’s so results oriented and it’s partially why he’s experienced such a mental health disaster. He constantly says that he’ll only celebrate when he books a job, or he’ll only be happy when he gets a paycheck and I know he’s missing out on everything that’s wonderful about this journey and life. We still see each other once a week and support each other’s endeavors. He’s ridiculously proud of me and is joyous and supportive for/of everything I accomplish, so I don’t need/want to cut him out. Sadly he doesn’t give himself the same love as he does for me. How do I help this person? How do I use the tools I have developed to bring them closer to joy? As someone who has spent years dealing with mental health issues, it breaks my heart when the people I care about are in pain.
Thank you all! I’m so inspired by you and this is a community that I’m elated to be a part of.
I know I wrote a lot yesterday, but I also want to say how truly grateful I am for this program and community. It came to me before I ever got bitter and has allowed me to understand and practice such crucial concepts at such an early stage. Thank you, Bon, for creating this and helping me stay inspired and not get sucked in by the negativity people focus on. ❤️
Okay, so a lot here. (And you’re welcome. Creating this class was — is — hugely important to me and it’s a form of *my* service to the community of artists who feel called to stay in a place of JOY while on the pursuit of it all. So thank you for the feedback and you’re welcome. It’s my honor.) Let’s break this down a bit.
First, the ex. I love that you’re staying connected as much as is healthy and I love that you have an understanding that just because the romantic part of the relationship ends doesn’t mean that the friendship and caring for one another has to stop. As someone who is friends with almost EVERY guy she has dated, I respect that you’re clear on the difference between the romantic relationship ending and the caring/friendship ending. That’s awesome and it will serve you well in life.
Now, from what you’ve written, it sounds as though he’s totally HAPPY about your joy. That he’s not some poison playmate or energy vampire who sucks off your happiness or begrudges you your joy or makes you feel like you can’t idle in a place of gratitude for what’s working in your life. That’s awesome. And that means that your job remains: BE THE LIGHTHOUSE. It’s really all you *can* do. Because you can’t want mental health for him enough to have it suddenly click for him differently than it already does. You also cannot get down in the muck WITH HIM and have it make a difference. All that will make a difference is you continuing to model the joy you want for him, the unconditional love for your career pursuits you have, and your use of the tools that are serving you so well.
Either he’ll see the lighthouse you are being and learn, “It CAN be another way” and try a little bit here and a little bit there *or* the pain of being around you (which it doesn’t sound like exists, but I’m only going off what you’ve written here of course) will cause him to “vibrate out” of your space, to use an Abraham-Hicks phrase.
I know it feels challenging to “let go” when we are FIXERS at our core, but it’s like the biggest issue Keith has — and is working through in therapy — is something I cannot FIX for him. I can only love him soooooooo much that he trusts he can work on this issue and not see my love for him waver. And I have to be okay with him *never* having the fix. Because he very well may not. *shrug* But I know there is NOTHING I can do to create this change for him. I can only show him how badass everything is over here on “this side” of the issue, if he’d like to join me here.
As for your situation, if you cannot detach from YOUR (perceived) responsibility to FIX him, you may have to spend less time around him. For both of you. Because you being around him feeling sorry for him or judging where he is in his happiness for living (which it sounds like he’s pretty clear about what’s working, what’s not, and the conditions he’s placing on his happiness) isn’t doing either of you any favors.
Consider that you are *already* doing everything you can to help him. There’s not some EFFORT that will fix things; only your unconditional love and modeling how good it feels to detach the way you do will do the trick. But it’ll take time. More time if you keep struggling with what you THINK you’re “supposed” to be doing.
As for the community around you that is vapid and basic, I’ll never forget when I stopped drinking and I would say to Keith when I came home from just about anything, “Oh my GAWD, the tedious fucking conversations people have!!!!!” I apparently had numbed myself to noticing how seriously insipid some people’s topics of interest can be. It took time for me to build a muscle for tolerance in social situations that can’t be avoided and I spent (and spend) a lot of time in my mind noticing things about people and the way they operate, basically turning these encounters into character studies, psychology classes, opportunities to delve into the human psyche and understand people who are NOT in my “top five” or maybe not even in my “population of thirds.”
When I feel the social niceties muscle forcing me to engage in convos with people I have already labeled as vapid in their interests or level of discourse, I remind myself, “You’re going in, Bon. Be sure you don’t get triggered.” And that’s what it seems is missing from your experience. You KNOW you’re about to answer a question — just because it was posed to you — without first putting on a convo-condom. “Lyd, girl. The person who is asking you who your agent is thinks TMZ is a news show. Don’t look for an opportunity to feed your ego with diminishing feelings and use this convo as your excuse.”
Because that’s what you’re doing.
You’ve got some little bit of you that still WANTS the results as proof you’re doing the work, proof that you’re talented, proof that you’re enough, etc., and you’re attracting people to pose the questions *outside* of you so you can say it’s THEIR fault vs. your own energy attracting the opportunity to stew in your NOT enoughness.
Start using this sentence wherever you can: “I no longer hold you responsible for how I feel.” Because NO ONE outside of you is in charge of how you feel. Ever.
(See how this laps around to the ex? It’s the exact same issue, but from the other side.)
Here’s an Abraham-Hicks quickie that may help with this too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs4NTwHT0EY
You’re doing good work, honey, and *so* young to be doing so. I’m not drawing attention to your age; I’m saying just imagine how powerful you will be in your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, and so on… with all this work already done. Wow. You truly can change the world through your storytelling. Just stay out of your own way.
WOW! I was going to add my own answers to this, but Bonnie’s answers are just so masterful.
I will say, I know how you feel, Lydia, when you’re humming with joy about your creative life but others seem to be testing you with their own negativity. GIRL, I hear ya! And I hear this a lot: “Why don’t you have an agent? You’re so talented! How is it someone hasn’t snapped you up?” And I see this as Brandprov actually. It’s a little something I worked on with Bonnie. And actually, the question I get from agents is, “Why haven’t you made it yet?” That one still sits weirdly in my body, but you know what? I’m going to do the Clearing Old Beliefs exercise with it, because I KNOW I’m good enough, talented enough, and a Hell Yes agent who GETS me now comes into my world and we kick ass together.
I’m choosing where I want to put my energy and my headspace, and as Bonnie pointed out, you don’t have to let these people drag you down or be an excuse for you to drag you down.
I LOVE that you’re delighting in every step of your creative journey, Lydia! SING IT, sister! ENJOY every step of the way!
Do you know that Jason Bateman, when he was between gigs, and years before Arrested Development rebooted his career, he’d go to these red carpet events, and interviewers would ask him, “What are you doing now?” And he’d say, “Just enjoying life.” “But what’s your next gig???” they’d press him. And he’d say,”Enjoying myself, spending time with my family.” It seems like he chose to stay in his happy place no matter how they wanted to push him, and it led to so many good things for him later on.
So keep on celebrating your love of the journey, Lydia. You got this!
And, Bonnie, thank you for your words of wisdom. Just WOW-ness across the board.
I appreciated hearing your frustration about being with people when you’d stopped drinking and how bizarrely tedious it was, because I’m not a big drinker, and it’s always been confusing to me to go to a bar with people in the biz and then not be able to hear each other because the music’s too loud, and no one can really talk or connect until they get drunk. I like your idea of treating it as an acting exercise or character study.
One thing I’ve read about with Broadway actors, specifically, is that most of them don’t go out and party. They go home to save their voices and recharge their emotional and physical bodies, because 8 shows a week can be exhausting. But I remember this about Robert Downey Jr. too. How he was a disaster til he got out of the party scene and started focusing on his health. Our body is our instrument and we gotta take care of it.
Now that I’ve completely gone off-road with this convo, I’ll end with one of my favorite quotes from this conversation:
“Don’t look for an opportunity to feed your ego with diminishing feelings and use this convo as your excuse… Put on a convo-condom.” Brilliant. 🙂
Had to share this: “My goal is to get another 30 years out of this business. So I need to figure out the fuel to do that. And so far, I think it’s respect and quality and company, not celebrity or box office or stardom. It’s not a sprinter’s approach. It’s more like a long-distance thing. You can stick around a lot longer if you kind of slow-play it.” Jason Bateman
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000867/bio?ref_=nm_dyk_qt_sm#quotes
DAMN that’s good! <3 Thank you, Laura. You always find the best stuff!
Reminds me of someone else I know who encourages us ninjas to see that this is a long-distance run, not a sprint. Hint! Hint! 😉
Tee hee! Yeah, I like convo-condom. 😉 I think I’ll keep that one.
Wow. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love your idea of treating those questions like a brandprov exercise. That’s a skill I need to hone some more and it’s a question I get ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME! I could so have more fun with this. I love Jason Bateman and enjoy hearing about actors who actually take care of themselves. I respect them way more than those who destroy themselves and their lives in the “pursuit” of art. So grateful for another reminder of this!
I loved every letter of this comment, Bon. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. Part of me was processing and the other part was held up by support job work.
You’re so right on all accounts here. I was monitoring his happiness and his mindset. Using that to prove so many things about him, the relationship, and myself. All I was doing was making myself crazy. I am looking forward to just being a lighthouse. I know cool things are on my horizon in the near future– who wouldn’t be inspired by that? 😉
I love Laura’s idea of using those annoyingly basic questions as brandprov experience. I am excited to try that and your suggestion of doing a character study. I’ve already implemented the character study part into my conversations at work and it’s been better. My conversations when I’m not looking for proof on my not enoughness are much more exciting. I can tell people all about the films I’m excited to develop, or the log line of my upcoming production company. But you’re right that my anxiety about not having an agent made those conversations steer in that negative direction. I was looking for proof that I wasn’t enough. Just like I was watching my ex’s mental health journey as proof– because if I can’t help him, then I wasn’t good enough or would never be loved enough. Which is soooo soo soo incorrect! On both accounts!
I’m excited to refocus my brain and energy onto all the wonderful things that I’m doing and are surrounding me. The universe is conspiring for me! I am loved. I am enough.
If I could type the sound of a whistle (like I’m cheering at a sporting event) I would. Good work, girl. You’ve got this. Keep this bookmarked to remember.
ooo excellent idea. I want to come back to this anytime I start to fall back on old habits.
Wow, Lydia. WOW! Great insights, lady! And I’d be happy to Brandprov with ya. You’re in NY, right? PM me on Facebook, and we’ll figure something out 🙂
Oh this is such great stuff, only a couple days into the Vault and I am in heaven…
xoxo
This makes me so happy! 🙂 Way to dive in! More to come!